The Jenni Chronicles Archive

See you at Wordpress!

2006-11-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

I moved my blog to Wordpress.com
come see me there
http://jen872.wordpress.com/

Blustery Day

2006-11-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

Blustery Day

Whew, what a night we had!
For the last week or so the weatherman has been telling us about this cold front that was coming, but I never expected quite such a dramatic change. It was 80 degrees here in Austin yesterday, and in fact I had my ac on for a little bit during the day. I decided to get myself more in the mood for the holidays by decorating for Christmas. I put up the tree, the lights, and the whole thing; and then at about 9 last night the weather warnings began. Tornado watch, strong wind warning, and severe thunderstorm warnings ticked across the bottom of my television as I was just finishing hanging all my lights. I decided to take a step outside. It was still quite warm out, but off in the distance I could see huge black clouds rolling in with lightning shooting out at every angle. The weatherman then said there would be freezing wind and rain coming. I had to act fast- I had to save my plants!

I keep a ficus tree on my front porch, not a huge one but it is pretty good sized. I carried that thing up my stairs all by myself, and it was heavy!!! So I now have a tree in my office. If I had thought about this sooner I wouldn’t have put up my Christmas tree, I would have just decorated the ficus! It’s actually a nice addition to my gloomy computer room; I think I may keep it there (I also don’t want to carry it back downstairs!)

I walked back out into my backyard and noticed my neighbor with her plants bringing them all in the house, there was no way I could bring all my plants in- I have no room! So I remembered what mom used to do in the winter, cover them all with sheets. I gathered them all up and placed them on and under the bench I have on my back porch and the rain started to come. Great! I covered them all with a sheet and made sure it wouldn’t blow away. The ferns are too huge to even move so I covered them where they were. Then there’s the vegetable garden. I have this four foot tomato plant growing up a wire trellis that I have to save, but as soon as I covered it this enormous gust of wind came and knocked it on its side. Pulled the trellis right out of the ground! I thought I was going to get blown away so I grabbed Cody and we ran into the house.

It was a little scary; the rain was torrential and the wind was just amazing. I’m really surprised the screens are still on my windows. The thunder and lightning was exciting, I was almost hoping the electricity would go out…I love storms. But this was a tad bit scary. The temperature dropped so fast the tornado warnings lasted until 2am, and I was still awake because I couldn’t sleep with all the noise (and I was scared) I made Cody get up on the bed with me ha ha. I think I finally fell asleep at about 6am and it was still windy and raining.

I don’t even know what time it was when I felt Cody’s wet nose nuzzling under my hand. He was really excited about something and wanted me to get up. Then I heard chirp… chirp…chirp and I think I saw my breath when I opened my eyes. It was literally freezing in my house. I lay there listening to the weird chirp noise while Cody ran around the room like a crazy dog trying to figure out where it was coming from. I realized it was my smoke detector telling me I needed to replace the battery. Ugh, of all mornings!

Cody really wanted to find that chirp so I took him downstairs to let him out. The yard was a mess! Leaves everywhere, the patio furniture was now overturned and blowing around on the porch, the sheets were soaked by the rain and were frozen (the plants were ok though) the tomato plant was rolling back and forth in the wind and its sheet had just completely blown away. The Christmas lights I hung were all over the place now. What a mess. I yanked the smoke detector off the ceiling and I went back to bed…I had only been asleep for an hour.

I also took a little movie, but it doesn’t do the wind justice. The wind will literally knock you over outside right now! When I was filming, the chairs blew all the way across the patio. You can also see the drawstring from the hoodie I was wearing blowing in the shot ha ha.
Winter is really here now- Yay! Now I need to figure out how to keep the Christmas lights on the house in the wind...Off to do more damage control!
-Dorothy and Toto

Are we There Yet?

2006-11-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

Are we There Yet?

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving;
I know Cody and I did!

The drive there was nice, dad bought me a new cd player for my car so this was really the first time I could listen to a mix cd on a long trip. I think Cody was perturbed though because I sang the whole way! He hates it when I sing, normally he will bark at me until I stop but in the car he just kept poking me in the ear with his whiskery wet nose from the back seat. Trying to tickle me to death I think. He loves trips in the car, so I think the ride there and the ride back were the highlights of his trip.

Mom and I were baking from almost the minute I got there but it was nice to get to talk to her while we prepared for the big day. I got there on Tuesday so we made the pies that day and cooked the breads for the stuffing mix. Mom had this whole meal envisioned in her head from a Martha Stewart magazine she read so the magazine was sort of our instruction manual this year. Instead of making the usual pecan pie, we made a Nut Torte with chocolate morsels and nuts soaked in brandy. And instead of using pre-made piecrusts, we made them from scratch! It was quite fun actually. I made a cinnamon crust for the apple pie that turned out incredibly. I will have to get the recipes next year.

Dad bought mom and I some Cointreau so that we could make ourselves our “drinkies”, we love to drink Cosmopolitans and pretend to be Carrie Bradshaw you know. I made a double batch in a pitcher and by the time we each had one, we were pretty relaxed! Cosmos have become our signature get together drink these days.

The next day dad took me and Gramps out to the lake to see the new house that his sisters (my aunts) will be moving into soon. I have since named it “Casa de las Tias” which translates to The house of the Aunts. It will be nice when it is finished; they basically built the house around their two little dogs. There is even a permanent doggy door built into the back of the house, you have to see the picture. They are both in their mid 60’s and have both recently retired so this will be their dream house I think. Aunt Janie has her workshop, and Aunt Pat has her plants and her art pantry. They will be happy there.

On the drive back Gramps was a bit chatty and told us one of his Gramps stories; we passed a cotton field and he remembered that his father and his uncle were given a bale of cotton every year for Christmas by their father (Gramps’s grandfather). They would then sell the bale for $500.00 and back in that day that was a lot of money! He remembered his uncle would love to go into the city and spend some money on a tailored suit. I thought that was interesting. He has some neat stories sometimes, and other times he just wants to talk about football. Dad was getting worn thin by the time I got there because Gramps had been there already for a few days. Gramps requested we go to the Collin Street Bakery downtown, and I think dad expected Gramps had a major reason; when we got there all he wanted was a couple of cookies. And for anyone who knows about the bakery, you know that this time of year is extremely busy, so to go there for just a couple of cookies on Thanksgiving week is an event you don’t want to try. Ces’t la vie, it was an adventure anyway and Gramps got his sweet tooth satisfied; even though dad wasn’t happy.

Thanksgiving day started early, even after mom and I were up late preparing casseroles, sauces, and cranberry sauce. Mom used the blue and white china that was my grandmothers once, and it looked almost just like the cover of our Martha Stewart manual. We used my grandmothers silver flatware as well, who knows how old that stuff was; but the table was beautiful. This year mom draped the turkey in cheesecloth soaked in butter and white wine to keep it juicy while it cooked, I think she needed a bigger oven though because the cloth burned on the top of the oven and smoked up the house for a bit, but in the end the turkey came out wonderfully. The family began to arrive that morning, but soon disappeared out into the back of the property to help my dad with a project he decided to start that morning for some odd reason. He disappeared right after breakfast, and we soon discovered he was pulling the cover off the old greenhouse in the backyard. What he thought would be a partial day project by himself turned out to be a two day project even with the help of his sisters and brother! So much for everyone helping us in the kitchen! Mom and I pulled it off without a hitch (except for the turkey taking a bit longer to cook) Everyone was stuffed, and went home with leftovers.

Gramps and I mostly watched football the entire time I was there. I figured out that if you want to have a conversation with him, it had better be about football or the conversation will be one sided. We watched the Texas game; which was very disappointing, the Colorado game and on Saturday watched the Florida game. He and I were rooting for opposing teams and my team was winning, I got up to visit the bathroom and when I got back the channel had changed. That’s one reason why dad gets so mad when Gramps comes to visit- he takes over the remote. Anyway, I think my team won, but I didn’t get to see the end of the game!

On Friday the Tias came over and brought my cousins and all us girls went out to the Galaxy drive in theater to see Happy Feet! That’s one good thing about Texas; there are still some of the old-fashioned drive ins left. It has changed a bit, they don’t charge by the carload anymore so no one had to hide in the trunk, and you can listen on an FM radio station instead of hanging the speaker in your window. It was another adventure let me tell you. Mom couldn’t figure out how to turn off her lights which were timed to shut off after she turns the keys off. However, she wanted to roll her window up right after the movie started- blam! her lights went on…people were not happy with us. She pulled out the keys and I called dad because she was afraid to put the keys in again- he explained how to shut off the lights and turn the radio on. It was so embarrassing! People were actually yelling at us from other parts of the parking lot! But by the end of the movie, everyone had forgotten how annoying we were with our lights. However, we couldn’t figure out how to get the interior lights to come on when we left so we were driving blind, not knowing how fast we were going. We also lost my aunt on the highway, and missed our exit- having to call my dad once again to rescue us from the evils of the outside world. Sigh, it was an adventure.

Yesterday I drove back to Austin with Gramps. That was interesting. He didn’t speak for almost the entire three hour trip! I thought I would make him more comfortable and turn the radio to a light rock slash oldies station and turned it way down so he could still hear me talk, but still- I got nothing out of him. I tried to talk football at one point, but he didn’t respond; I don’t think he could hear me anyway. Cody was good on the way back, he just laid down most of the time, but when we made stops at lights, he jumped up thinking we were there. Just like a kid, I swear. Mommy are we there yet?

Well, that’s all the stories I have from Thanksgiving! Hope you all had a great one and would love to hear your stories as well. Is anyone else decorating for Christmas yet? (I think I’m going to put up the tree tonight! YAYYYYY! I love Christmas!)
-Jenni

When Father's Attack

2006-10-31T17:39:00.000-08:00

10/31/2006
When Father's Attack

A funny -slash- scary Halloween Story

It was high school in the late 90’s; and it was the night of my homecoming dance. I was dating a boy who was two years older than me and I thought I was sooo cool because the boy was like the most popular boy in school ever! My dad never liked him even though we had been dating for over two years but of course dads never like the first boyfriend. This year the annual Navy Halloween Ball and my Homecoming Dance fell on the same night. And on my end- growing up in a Navy family you had to learn to endure the parties and get-togethers our parents went to year after year, as I am sure they had to get used to our high school dances. Coincidentally daylight savings time just so happened to be falling back an hour this evening as well.
In my naïve young brain, I thought to myself “hey this is great, I am supposed to be home at midnight- isn’t that when the time falls back? I have a whole extra hour and my parents probably wont even notice!” so after the dance and after changing into jeans and a sweatshirt my friends and I went off to a party to celebrate one extra hour of freedom from our parents for the evening. I hadn’t even seen my parents that night, since I had my hair done at a girlfriend’s house that afternoon, but I knew for sure they would be at their costume party for hours and that I would be safe. That was until my boyfriend dropped me off that night.
Why were they home so early? Gosh they had an extra hour since the time changed that night, why hadn’t they stayed out later? I slinked out of my boyfriend’s car and snuck into the front door as quietly as I could, holding a puffy dress and heels in my arms. The lights in the house were out except for the master bathroom where I heard the voices of my parents. One of them was in the shower, I couldn’t tell who but I decided to sneak into my bedroom as if I had been there all night. I even got into bed in my shoes and sweatpants with my hair still done up in full “do”. They would think I’d have been there all night.
The next thing I hear is the front door slam, and the car start up. Where is my dad going? I sit up in bed to listen, and I hear nothing but the shower turning off in my parent’s bathroom and my mother cough. My father had gone somewhere, but why? Oh god, I hope he hasn’t gone to look for me. I lie back in bed and pretend to sleep as my mother props open the door to peek in at me in bed. Oh god, I am in trouble! But wait- I have been here the whole time! They were in the shower, they didn’t know I was there…and then my phone rang.
It was my boyfriend on the phone. He told me that a man in a Dracula costume came to his door asking where I was. Oh my god, my reputation at school was over. My father went to my cool boyfriends house dressed as Dracula!!! Apparently the only thing my dad said was “where is my daughter?” in a deep and menacing voice. My poor boyfriend! He didn’t quite know what to say other than he had already dropped me off at home, and even as he was still speaking my father turned his back and walked away from him into the dark.

I hung up the phone when I heard our front door slam once more. My bedroom door opened just as I tucked my hand back under the covers I was hiding under. There was a silence so thick you could cut it with a meat cleaver. I turned my head and looked up to see Dracula in full costume peering in at me and I couldn’t help but gasp. Wow, great costume dad, it was seriously scary this year! No words were spoken for what seemed like forever and then Dracula walked away. Then I heard my mom say “you are grounded for…like-ever, starting now!” and my bedroom door shut quietly. Man, I thought I had the best alibi ever with daylight savings time, but that Dracula costume was enough to scare me into admitting anything! And I swear to god, no one even spoke about it the next day. I stayed in my room for the next week, and I didn’t ask any questions. It was never spoken of from that day forward. Ha ha! I wonder what my dad would say today about that….

Its great to be here, except it isn’t there

2006-10-25T17:38:00.000-07:00

10/25/2006
Its great to be here, except it isn’t there

Its great to be here, except it isn’t there.
Back from FL…I miss him already. s i g h
He has this way of erasing all of the things I am self conscious about. It’s a huge ego boost to be with him, because I know he truly loves me for who I am and can look past my shortcomings. It’s like looking into a magic mirror or something; miraculously instead of feeling fat and old, when I’m with him I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I swear when I left my house I looked in the mirror at myself and thought “dear lord I’m fat, I cant wear this tank top without a shirt over it” and as soon as I got there I SWEAR I lost twenty pounds, my boobs grew a cup size, and I wore that tank top proudly with no cover up! It is miraculous! He was even great when I turned into a huge pimply mess the last couple days of the trip.
So I have a history of breaking out around my mouth once a month, usually they are just small cold sores on my upper lip. I have learned to deal with them over the years, though they are embarrassing most of the time. There is no fix for them in times when you need to. For some reason, (possibly because of the new birth control I’m on) I had the worst breakout I’ve had in years while I was there. Of course, I had to turn into huge freak while I was there trying to be sexy- way to go hormones! Great timing! Its hard to be sexy when your upper lip is swollen twice its size and you have FIVE cold sores around your mouth, very kissable indeed. When I woke up and felt the swelling, I almost wanted to start crying, plop a pillow over my head and stay in bed forever. But he didn’t care…..I think. At least he didn’t show it, which was nice of him. I half expected a look of horror from him when I showed my face that morning, but he was great.
It’s funny dating someone who you already know from a previous relationship. Even though it had been probably 9 years or so between our breakup back then, and when we started seeing each other again, there are a lot of things that haven’t changed about us. Basically the only thing that has changed about us is our age. We are a few years older, a bit wiser, and more worldly but that’s about it. Sometimes I feel like those years never went by; as if I am right back in 1997. It’s been sort of a time warp for me, being with him all over again. I loved him so much back then, and I love him even more now.
Now, the “L” word is an interesting phenomenon in the dating world. You don’t want to say it too early because there is the chance the other person might get scared off. You don’t want to say it too late because the other person might get antsy and lose interest. You have to say it when you feel it, when you really mean it; otherwise it just becomes words without emotion. It has to be just right. For me, I knew I loved him after our first reunion. The second I felt a pang of yearning to be with him again I knew I was falling in love with him again. I have been waiting for so long to hear those words come from someone that I truly loved in the same way. It feels phenomenal.
I had a great trip.
It was fantastic to see him and actually be able to snuggle with him without a bazillion miles between us.
He’s the greatest guy I have ever met.
I am so lucky.

Stronger than Yesterday

2006-10-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

10/4/2006

Stronger than Yesterday

It’s been an insane few days since I got that first email from Kitty. I haven’t changed clothes in three days, and I desperately need a shower. These pajamas probably need to be burned. I am up until 3am in front of the computer and then get up at noon to get right back where I was in front of the computer. I do take a break during Dr Phil to eat something, but I just can’t get myself to behave like a normal person.

It was almost painful for me to make myself clean my house today; my body is sore from sitting all day in one position. The house needed it, I think it’s been two weeks since I cleaned, washed dishes, or laundry. I even put all my laundry away instead of stacking it on my bed. I know it just sounds lazy but I don’t feel like I have been. I have been working hard to find a job; and working on my new club "Homegirl Investigations". So far its just me and Kitty :)

But then I find myself becoming lost in thought at times, drifting in and out of reality. I have been getting more and more emails from Kitty. All of them full of horrible stories and timelines of events that happened over four years ago. Our paths had crossed indirectly in the last four years that Dreamer and I were together (and with her). Four years. Not two months as I had originally suspected. Four years.

I was such a fool to think that I could remain friends with him. After reading what Kitty has been telling me, I feel like the life I thought I was living was all a lie. Four years? How did I not ever find out? Was I just so blind and caught up in his lies that I didn’t realize it? The man that she describes is completely foreign to me, but I know it was who he really was. He was real with her; his life with me was completely false.

I never want to hear from him ever again. I never want to speak to him ever again. I will not remain in contact with him EVER again. He is dead to me. I don’t even want to hear his name ever again. And if god forbid, I ever see him again, keep sharp objects away from me because I will go straight for the jugular. He is a horrible person who deserves nothing but horrible things to happen to him for what he has done.

Oh you can mark my words; he will get what is due to him. Karma is a bitch. I have complete and total faith in karma. I am not worried, one day soon he will get it. All I have to do is sit back and wait. You watch- karma will get him.

I went back and read my first entry ever from November of 2004 when I first discovered Kitty existed. Do you know it’s almost been two years that I have been stressing over finding answers? It feels so FREAKING great to finally know that I was right. After all of the times he denied ever cheating on me. I WAS RIGHT. After all the times I felt in my gut something was wrong. I WAS RIGHT. After all the times he lied to me and I didn’t believe him. I WAS RIGHT.

It’s finally over. I finally have the answers I deserved two years ago. And it feels fucking fantastic. -Me

Forgive and Forget

2006-10-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

10/2/2006
Forgive and Forget

She contacted me; Kitty-The girl that Dreamer cheated on me with…I am FREAKING out.
I pulled one of my famous stupid Jenni tricks and accidentally sent her a request to add her to my friends list on myspace. I had a list of favorites in myspace and a lot of them were bands, so I was sending all of them friend requests and somehow I sent her one too. I am famous for doing these things; it’s a part of my accident-prone personality. sigh. Cant go back now can I?
All this time I have known she was on myspace but I never had a clue she even knew about me. At first I thought, I will just let her get some stuff off her chest and I will play it cool. I will be calm and just let things roll off my back. She sent me this:

From: Caitlin
Date: Sep 30, 2006 12:49 PM
Well I have a lot of things I have wanted to ask you and tell you and apologize to you for over the past few years but I will wait. I am not sure how you found me (maybe it's because I check out your page a lot, I'm not a stalker I swear lol), and I am not sure what you know about me so I will wait until I hear back from you, before I say more.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Caitlin

So when I got it I knew- shit! I must have accidentally sent her a friend request! OMG omg!
o. m. g…I am so stupid!!! I can’t believe I am so careless with these things. But I guess that’s what I get for spying on her all this time. Instant Karma.
I sent her this:

From: a little bit crazy (me)
Date: Sep 30, 2006 5:33 PM
You really have checked out my page a lot? Wow- I had no idea you even knew about me. Crazy. Well I had a ton of things to say a couple of years ago. But mainly now I just wanted to say that I'm here if you have any questions about what happened. I’m sure you know Rob was lying to both of us at the same time, and it took me a long time to forgive. But I have. I’m pretty much over all of it. Just know that you and I have a lot in common, and probably a lot of feelings harbored. If you ever want to chat- you can find me here or at jen872@msn.com. Best of luck to you. I know we are both in different places in our lives now- thank god!
-Jen

I never expected her to write back to be honest. But she did. And what I read, I still cannot believe. It made me sick to my stomach. I took out some names, and places…

From: Caitlin
Date: Oct 2, 2006 10:26 AM
Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Thanks for being so cool about this. I am sure you hated me for a while. Yep, I guess I have sort of always known about you. I don't want to bring up a bunch of old stuff that is going to make you look back at your entire relationship with him, I don't want to make you feel badly, so I am sorry if any of this hurts your feelings, that certainly isn't my intention.

I always knew he had a girlfriend. To tell you the truth, he and I hooked up at a party when I was 18. From then on, every time he would come into Los Alamos he would call me, over and over again. But I knew he had a girlfriend and honestly I knew he was an asshole so I ignored him for a good three years. Then finally he was in town (for W and A’s wedding) and wanted to cook me dinner so he came over to my house, I asked if he had a girlfriend, he said no. Then B and those guys pulled me aside a few nights later and told me that he was just using me, that he had a girlfriend and that I deserved better than him. Of course I didn't listen. Anyway, it was a huge mess from the get go.

I knew he was lying about you because he couldn't even keep up with his own lies. So when he went back to Denver, I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. He would always try to get me meet him in Chama but I told him I wasn't going to do it because it was fair to you or me. He said that you had moved out. Well, this is probably something you don't want to hear, but I am going to tell you anyway...Whenever I was in Denver to see him, the neighbors would ask where you and Cody had been and he would always say "I killed them" and then just walk inside. Well, I started to get a little curious about this (he messed with my head big time) because he would always tell me not to say anything to my family or anybody when I would go up there, he said he wanted it to be a secret because he was going to kill me, he said he had even talked to his brother about it and since his brother worked for the Medical Examiners office in Albuquerque, he would be able to get away with it. So, anyway, one weekend I drove up there and he got "called into work" and had to go to Idaho or something, so I stayed there because I had other friends in Denver. I decided to get a little nosey and I found all of your stuff in the garage. Your pictures, clothes, jewelry...all that stuff. Your yearbooks were still in his bedroom along with your shampoos and stuff were in the bathroom. Then I found some of your mail. I freaked out, I was convinced he killed you. So I am an idiot because I still went up there to see him after that.

I don't know if you know about the accident we got in when he totaled his truck or how he slammed me up against a wall in front of 30 of my closest friends, or how I finally had to call the police on him because he was on his way to my house and he told me to call an ambulance ahead of time because he was so mad. It sure was a lot of drama for the few months it lasted. Wow, sorry for going off on a tangent. I was using the excuse that I was young and naive since I turned 21 while we were hanging out, but I should have known better.

I am so sorry for whatever pain I caused you. I really am a nice person, I promise.
I know you spent a good part of your life with him and I am so happy that you are away from him now! You seem like a really sweet, caring, interesting and wonderful person and you deserve much better than him! Best of luck to you too!!
Stay in touch!!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Caitlin

Sickening.

I am still reeling over this. Surprisingly not in a bad way. I feel like a huge weight is finally off my shoulders. And finally after these last couple of years I have the answers that had been bothering me since I found out about her. The questions unanswered that had been weighing me down with guilt all of a sudden were gone. All of a sudden she is a person, a real person with feelings and emotions and I feel bad for her. I believe every word she says too because when I found the emails between them in 2004, they fought about it. She is a person, just like me.

And all of a sudden I am realizing that it wasn’t my fault that he cheated on me. It wasn’t her fault either. It was his fault. I can forgive her. He is sick and he needs psychological help. I now feel sorry for him and not her.

In my relationships after The Dreamer I am constantly questioning my own actions and what I say because I am scared that it will happen again. I am scared that it is something in me or something that I do that will make men stray from me, and that if it happens it will be my fault. I know differently now. It has nothing to do with me. And you have no idea how wonderful it feels to finally realize that. it sounds really silly now that I think back on it, how hard I am on myself, how careful I have been in my relationships since then. But I can rest easier now knowing the truth.

I thought a lot about publishing my reply back to her, but I think I will keep that for myself. I told her 100% of the truth and that made me feel liberated. Besides, it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that I know the truth finally and I can be happy with that and I can finally – god- after all these years, I can finally let this all go!

Thank you Caitlin. Thank you for being so brave and contacting me. You finally gave me the answers I so desperately needed. You finally put my mind to rest and my life will be much easier now. It feels great to forgive.
It's funny how things work out isn't it?

-Jenni

Cabin Fever

2006-09-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

9/28/2006
Cabin Fever

I'm soooooo bored y'all
I have often thought about how nice it would be to not have to go to work every day. To be able to stay home all day and get stuff done around the house. Boy was I wrong. I am so friggin bored, Im tired of this house, and I am going batty! Unemployment is boring!

So far, no job still. I did go into what I thought was a fantastic interview on Monday morning. The job description was a mix of my last two jobs so I thought it would be perfect for me. I went in, I was confident in my interview answers and the whole thing lasted 45 minutes which - so far- has been the longest interview yet. I thought I was in! The woman I interviewed with told me she would know after Tuesday and give me a call. But what does that mean? If she knew Tuesday shouldnt she have called me on Tuesday either way? So far I havent heard back from her either way. I am one of those people that likes to know what I did wrong if I don't get the job. Its nice to know what I need to better about myself, but it also makes me feel like an idiot most times.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed these days. I thought for sure I'd have a job by now. Its almost been a month and I've really only had four or five interviews out of all the work I put into trying to find a job. Is it supposed to be this hard? Either I'm overqualified, I'm asking for too much money, or I'm not a fit for the position. What is wrong with me? Can someone give me some insight into the world of being unemployed and job hunting? I'm getting depressed because of all of this.

A big part of me is telling me to just pack up and move back to Denver. I mean whats the difference right? I can be unemployed in Austin or unemployed in Denver...eh...I guess Im putting too many options in front of my face and I need to stop that. Its just complicating things. I need to just concentrate on getting a job here and then plan the move back to Denver after the job thing works out. And then I start stressing about breaking my lease, because most likely I wont live here for that much longer- I hope I wont be here that long. But there again, I dont need to be worrying about that just yet. I just want to be closer to Rugby Dude.

Speaking of mister wonderful, I have gotten two more postcards from him since last I wrote; too cute. He is having the time of his life traveling around Italy, Slovenia, Slovakia, Hungary, Budapest, and now he is in Munich for Oktoberfest! I told my friend Nicole who lives near there to go Rugby Dude hunting at the festival! That would be too funny. Small world. We have been able to talk on the phone for little bits of time every couple of days or so. He blows my mind. No man I have ever been with would want to call me long distance while on a grand adventure as he is on, and he calls me all the time! It feels so fantastic to know that he is actually thinking of me while he is over there. I can't wait for him to come back to the states so we can continue our relationship and make it stronger. I really want this to work, he is the most amazing man I have ever been with.

I wrote him a letter the other night because I wanted him to know that I really am waiting for him and I do truly miss him. I have talked about this issue before in the blog but it is a big deal to me that I actually have strong feelings about him while he is away, that I miss him as much as I do. Because I don't miss people like I should because of the way I grew up. Here is a bit of what I wrote to him explaining why:

"...I grew up in a Navy family, and I learned how not to miss people while they were gone for long periods of time. I learned how to take care of myself, and be patient until my father got home from being on “cruise” for up to thirteen months at a time. Even my best friends growing up were all Navy kids like me, and I only saw them probably once or twice a year unless I had the extreme privilege of living in the same town as them. I am probably different than other girls you have dated because of this. I don’t know if I should be apologizing for it- or to be proud of it because it made me very independent. I guess you could say I have been conditioned in the way I act on my emotions when it comes to the people I love.
To some people it may come across as detached, or cold but I promise you, it is not meant to be that way. It is how I grew up; it is the way I learned how to act ...My sister and I have had this constant problem with the way we deal with distances and our relationships. It has been a really hard thing to explain to people. She and I have had many conversations about it, and we have never been able to put it into words so that anyone else could understand."

It is a hard thing to try and explain in words. Its not that I don't miss people the way I should, its that I'm more accustomed to being far away from the people I love. It is easier for me I guess, when it comes to long distances and relationships. But it doesnt mean that it isnt hard for me too- I just deal with it differently than most. I'm planning to go see him at the end of October in Florida before he moves to Denver. Man, I miss him.

I suppose I should get back to job hunting. But before that I'd like to share a silly little story that happened to me yesterday:
________________________________________
Where is he?

Earlier this evening I was mowing my lawn. It was so nice outside and kids were riding their bikes on the sidewalks before dinner. I was sweaty and red faced and a little girl, probably seven or so came up to me on her bike as I was putting my mower away.

"You tired?" she asked
I laughed, "yeah, I'm all sweaty from mowing my lawn"
"where is your husband?"
I cracked up laughing "you know I ask myself that question all the time..." I said to her.
Without a beat she said "...cause if you have one, he should be mowing your lawn not sitting on his lazy ass watching TV" and she rode off with her little attitude and her I don't think so! tee shirt.

ha ha. Im still laughing about that.
-Jenni

The sky is Falling!

2006-09-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

9/25/2006
The sky is Falling!

Happy third day of fall everyone! Or as we call it here in Texas- Same.

This time of year is always the happiest for me; I absolutely love autumn weather. The other day I opened the door for Cody to go out and the morning light was just a bit different, the sky seemed a little deeper blue and the sun was at a different angle. That’s when I knew- Fall is here! I really have no memory of the first year I was here in TX for fall- but last year really never changed from summer through the fall. This year the weather has been fantastic so far. Its in the 50’s in the mornings and really only has gotten into the 80’s during the day.

Why do I love the fall? To me it means that the holidays are near for one; Halloween was always such a great fall holiday when I was young. It means that family will be coming together soon for Thanksgiving. The crispness in the air, the smell of the recent rain, the wind on my face, I love it all. It means that football games will become the excitement for everyone looking forward to bowl games and cheering their favorite teams. The taste of a warm drink on a cold evening watching football sigh what more could you ask for?

And the colors of the leaves, ugh, don’t get me started. I had the privilege of living in the most beautiful state in our country- Colorado (in my opinion) has the most spectacular fall show of anywhere I have seen in person. The mountains are covered in aspen trees that turn the hillsides into glittering golden splendor every autumn, nature’s finest grandeur right there for all of us to enjoy. I miss seeing that every year, it was the time of year I loved to take road trips into the Rockies to see the patchwork quilt Mother Nature has laid out for us. One day Ill go back, I’m not worried- I will see it soon enough. In central Texas we don’t get much of a showing of fall leaves changing colors, although there are some trees that will eventually shed their leaves at Christmas time.

Did you know- that leaves don’t technically FALL off the trees in autumn? Yes it’s true! The leaves are literally pushed off by a layer of cells between the base of the leaf and the branch of the tree. So you could say the tree cuts its own leaves off. With that cellular barrier the leaves will fall off for winter, but if that barrier never developed the leaves would stay on and put the tree into danger of breaking if heavy snow were to fall.

And why do the leaves change colors in the first place? Well I will tell you! As the days become shorter, the trees begin to respond to less and less sunlight by producing less chlorophyll, which keeps the leaves green. Eventually the trees stop producing chlorophyll, which lets the non-dominant carotenoid cells become dominant again and they are the cells that create color. The weather, cloud cover, and freezing nights have a lot to do with the color of the leaves too. If there is more cloud cover during the day and colder nights the leaves will be more yellow than red, and vice versa.

-Jenni

an Apology to my Dog

2006-09-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

9/23/2006
an Apology to my Dog

*disclaimer* no animals were harmed in the making of this entry

My dearest Cody,
I am so sorry for the way I have been acting these last few days since I lost my job. I am sure you are wondering why your schedule has been so messed up lately. I promise it will get back to normal soon. Just continue to be patient with me.

I know you like to get up early and have your breakfast and go out for a potty before 7am, but mommy doesn’t like getting out of bed in the mornings if she doesn’t have to. When I wake up for the first of many times, I will feed you and let you outside before I go back to bed. Just make sure to shut the sliding glass door when you are done because Ill be too lazy to wait for you. You’re a big boy, and I know I can count on you to take care of yourself while I sleep all day.

I’m sorry you have had to sleep on my piles of dirty clothes and beer cans in the bedroom because I have been too lethargic to do anything. You are used to having a nice clean soft carpet to sleep on next to my bed, I know. But I noticed you have made due and have created a little nest in my laundry to sleep in. I promise it won’t be like this for much longer.

I am sorry that I haven’t let you take me for a walk in such a long time. I just have no energy to walk outside, not to mention I would scare people. I am sorry I haven’t taken a shower in two days because I have nowhere to go. Maybe if we scheduled a walk for outside I would take a shower and put on makeup for a public presentation. But I will need to do laundry first.

I’m sorry you have had to take yourself to bed every night because I stay up way too late. I know you like to go to bed before 1am, so you just go ahead and go upstairs to your nest if I am too drunk on the couch to take you up to bed. I am sorry if I wake you up when I come to bed, I promise I can’t see you in the dark and never meant to step on your ear that one time. Plus I was a little tipsy.

I’m sorry I forgot to buy you food last week and that you had to eat leftovers and cornflakes instead. It was only for a day or so; I just didn’t have the energy to go shopping. Besides you liked the leftovers better than your normal food, even though I know it isn’t very healthy for you. But remember I got you a treat along with your normal food though so hopefully you will forget about the leftovers soon.

One day soon, our schedule will return to normal, god I hope it happens soon…and we can return to our normal lives. I promise I will try and get out of bed before 2 tomorrow, but I will get up and let you outside long before that. I will actually get dressed and not wear my pajamas all day and all night so that I can join you in the yard to play. I will get the laundry done and pick up the empty beer cans so that you can have a nice place to sleep next to my bed. I will take a shower and take you outside for a walk when it gets cooler outside so that we can both enjoy it.

You are the best dog ever. You never give me dirty looks or tell me that I smell bad, and you are the greatest listener ever. You are so patient with me, and hardly ever talk back. You are great at acting like you really missed me when I go out of the house for errands, even if it has only been for three minutes to check the mailbox. You never tell me I’m a bad mommy, and you love me in spite of my downfalls. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I’m a bit absent from your life. I love you.

- Your drunken unemployed depressed sloth of a mother who watches too much television

it's the little things

2006-09-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

it's the little things

Speaking of the GOOD people in my life...
He loves me. I know he loves me not because he tells me he does, but because I know he listens to me and actually hears me. A few days ago I recieved a postcard from Torino Italy from Rugby Dude with the picture above on the front. He knew that would bring a smile to my face, and picked that one for me. He was thinking of me, and he knows what I like. He sent me those flowers a few weeks ago, knowing that my favorite flower is the sunflower because he listened to me. You know a man really loves you if he can pick up on those little things, and make them a big deal for you.

I remember the first time he came to visit me here in Austin. He was such a gentleman the whole time. Even when he left, I was finding little things that he left behind. The first one was that he actually refilled my ice cube trays! This sounds so silly now but at the time it was the most exciting thing! I had to text message him to tell him thanks and to ask when we were going to get married because he is the only man who has ever refilled my ice cube trays after using the ice!

I swear, I know its cliche but its true- It really is the little things that count. They are definitely adding up for me!

-Jenni- a very happy girlfriend

Superficial meaningless blog of tripe

2006-09-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Superficial meaningless blog of tripe

Today, I sat down to my new daily schedule of searching for jobs online when I saw a tiny little email flashing at me from my junk mail box. Low and behold- it was from that piece of junk the Lummox. I left it there for a few minutes before opening it.. I sat back and let my heart rate slow down, because when I react impulsively- that’s when I get into trouble.
Since the middle of July, I haven’t had contact with him and for good reasons. I found out from a good friend in Denver, that right after Lummox and I broke up- he actually had the balls to call her and coax her to have sex with him- for one thing that is so tacky, and for another she is married! She and I decided not to talk to him ever again. I let him know that our mutual friend had confided in me and he sent me the nastiest, most malicious email I have ever gotten from someone who claimed to have loved me once. He called my life “superficial and meaningless” and described my blog as “tripe”. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I told him to go to hell, in so many words. He has become toxic.
My girlfriend in Denver and I still talk about that. She will never be able to be a friend to him after he hit on her and hasn’t spoken to him since. We both have known him for so long that we predicted he would turn around, and that wouldn’t be the last we heard from him. Voila! We were right. I really wonder if he sent an email to her as well today thinking that he is a martyr or something. He is just sad and lonely.
I thought long and hard about whether or not I should reply. For a while I had decided to just ignore it. But then I remembered all the cruel and spiteful things he said to hurt me. I had to calm myself down again, but I decided to give the situation some closure. I tried to be short, and to the point while still letting him know why I will not give him another chance. This is what I came up with:
“It’s amazing how predictable you are- I knew I’d be hearing from you. But I thought you had already said goodbye to me Lummox, long ago? How quickly we change our minds eh? I know my mind was changed the minute you began lashing out at me with maliciously cruel and painful words. I can’t be your support system, not for a person who purposefully hurts me out of spite, not anymore. I loved who you once were to me, but I don’t have love to give you any longer. I have moved on.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Good luck to you.
Back to my “superficial meaningless life of tripe" as you once so bluntly put it. - C’est La Vie
-Jen”
Hopefully that will be the end of it.
A couple of months ago I decided to push out all the toxic people from my life. Lummox became a toxic person the second he brought feelings of anger into our relationship. I don’t need that in my life, I have much better people in my life to spend my time and thoughts on. And I am so much happier for it. Onward and upward!
-Jenni

I will never forget

2006-09-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

09.11.01
It was a Tuesday morning in September. I had called in sick because I had been diagnosed with Mono and I was still in bed. I lived in Denver, alone in a tiny studio apartment so when I heard my door being unlocked it startled me. The only person who had a key was The Dreamer but he should have been at school. I pulled the pillow off from covering my head and sat up to see, and in he walked.
“What are you doing out of school so early?” I asked as I collapsed back into my bed relieved. He looked at me with grey sunken eyes, as if he wasn’t able to speak. I sat up again worried. “What’s wrong?” I asked anxiously. He dropped his head and closed the door behind him. Still he said nothing. I began to really worry. He was pale and his movements were painfully slow as he put his keys on my kitchen table. He looked at me again, furrowing his brow and finally spoke “oh my god you don’t know do you” he said almost whispering as he suddenly tuned to the TV. “What?” I was getting impatient and watched him switch to MSNBC.
“We are under attack,” he said. My eyes moved from him to the TV, I can still see that scene in my head as if it just happened. What I saw on the television took the breath from my lungs. I stood up in the middle of my bed and covered my face with my hands. Everything around me swam with the sounds of the television. I stood there for what was probably half an hour watching them replay over and over the same scene from the world trade center being hit by those planes. The Dreamer had been talking to me but I didn’t hear a word he had said. I couldn’t believe it. This couldn’t possibly be happening in our country. There must be some mistake. And then the third plane hit the pentagon. I fell to my knees. I don’t think I have ever been so scared.
I could not even blink, I don’t know why but I couldn’t pull my eyes from the images I was seeing. Tower two collapsed first and that is when the tears began to drip off my elbows because my hands were still on my face. People were running for their lives as that huge cloud of debris engulfed the city and took hundreds of lives, right before our eyes. The city turned white. I remember seeing a documentary about the firefighters that survived, one of them explained the debris “nothing was left, it was all turned to dust” he said. This cannot be happening. I must be dreaming I thought. I wish it were just a bad dream. A very very bad dream.
Coincedentally, as we sat in horror watching the images my VCR was set to record a program that morning, instead it taped a horrible day in history. I have still not been able to watch that tape. I am not ready to re-live that day. Movies are being released, and I cry just at the glimpse of the sadness portrayed in the previews. I am not ready, but I will never forget.
I remember reading an article that said “It changed everything about our world when the first plane hit. When the second one hit it changed it again.” I will never forget that day EVER. It changed so many of our lives that day; it changed the world, as we once knew it. Where were you?

honey

2006-09-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

Honey

It was late August of 2004. I was still getting over my epic drive from Denver, even though it had already been three days past; it was still fresh. I remember laying on the floor of my parents TV room when we got the call that my grandmother had been in a car accident. I heard my mother hand the phone to my dad and say “its your sister, I think there’s something wrong” when I heard him say “oh my goodness” I knew. Honey was gone.

Honey was the heart of our family. Everything revolved around her because she held us all together. She was the glue that kept us all close. And she was one of the main reasons that I decided not to go back to Denver. At that point I was still with The Dreamer, naively thinking that we could fix our relationship somehow, and still working remotely for my boss in Denver thinking that I may return after a couple weeks. When Honey died, I made my decision to leave The Dreamer, and quit my job. She would have given me that advice, had I confided in her; so in a way Honey was my guide.

There is a tradition in my family; at least for the female side of the family, every Labor Day weekend we all gather together for a few days to relax and catch up. That was my first year at what we now fondly call “Estrogen Fest”. There was a huge emptiness where Honey would have been, but we used that time to laugh and talk about Honey stories and remember her lovingly. We were all dramatically saddened that she wasn’t there, but we knew she would have wanted us to have a great time.

We used the weekend to help clear out Honey’s house; it needed to be put up for sale. Tears were shed as we emptied the house; I think each one of us had our own little breakdown that day. It was so final. The house that we all grew up in just wasn’t the same. My cousins and my aunts and Sarah and I all had our individual memories of Honeys house, but one story in particular entwined us all in similar ways. I’ve written about it before, but I thought it appropriate to tell the story again of The Red Room.

The Red Room was the room that all of the grandchildren would stay in when we visited. Remembering that this was my grandmother’s house, and it had been for at least 40 years- it was a time capsule from the 1960’s in there. The interior décor hardly changed over the years, and that is what made it so endearing to us all. The Red Room was so named because of the red corduroy covered trundle bed, and red floral curtains among other red decorative accent pieces in the tiny room. Nothing ever changed in that room, the desk always had the same picture frames, the same typewriter etc, but the most interesting thing on that desk in the red room was a small ceramic statue of Cupid holding a big red heart.

We called him the Caveman though, because as children we didn’t really have a grasp of what a cupid should look like. That cupid looked like a caveman. As we were all cleaning out Honeys’ house that Labor Day weekend, we found ourselves crowding into the Red Room to get one last look at the infamous caveman; still on the desk, still holding that heart.

If you knew Honey, you knew she had a wicked sense of humor. That innocent looking Cupid on the desk in the room that all of us slept in at one time or another, had a secret but we all knew what he was hiding. We couldn’t look at that little statue without cracking a smile because he was to all of us, our first glimpse of a penis. You thought this was going to be a sad story didn’t you? Under that heart he had been holding so enthusiastically all these years was a very large boner! I remember accidentally knocking the heart off its perch once when I was a child and staring at that thing for hours in bewilderment. I always thought I was the only one who knew his secret, but we all knew. Some of us passed on his secret to cousins or sisters, but none of us had told our parents. My aunt never knew after all these years that the heart was removable; she was very surprised when we all showed her. We discovered Honeys initials on the bottom of the caveman, my grandmother painted it!

When it came time to leave the caveman behind, and even though none of us really wanted to take him home with us, we all secretly wanted him to stay in the family. I volunteered to take him for a year on the condition that someone else would take him after that. And so another tradition was born.

Now every “Estrogen Fest” the caveman is passed on to a new owner, we even have a special little ceremony to commemorate it. There are strict rules that we must abide by and the caveman has to go with its owner to at least two interesting places with photos for proof. I had him for a year and then he was passed on to my sister who had him for a year. Caveman now resides in Mart, TX with my second cousin.

I have the pictures from Estrogen Fest ‘06 up. You can see the infamous caveman, with and without his heart for your enjoyment. It was a blast again, and will continue to be a wonderful tradition. Honey would have loved to see our new tradition; she is still a big part of us.

Bizarro Land

2006-08-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

8/31/2006
Bizarro Land

I can already tell that today is going to be a strange one.

I got up this morning and tossed the shirt I wanted to wear into the dryer to get rid of some of the wrinkles, and put on a crappy tee shirt while I got ready. I am now at work in the crappy tee shirt; I completely forgot to change shirts! I can’t believe I did this; it’s been a nightmare of mine for many years. The one I have most often is that I put on two different shoes and do the flamingo pose in the mirror to see which shoe looks better, and then I leave for work with two different shoes on. I often walk out the door barefoot, forgetting to put my shoes on, but I catch myself on that one. Today I didn’t catch myself! I think the stress is getting to me. So now I’m stuck at work all day in a men’s XXL Hanes white undershirt!

And then... I went through the drive through at a certain golden arches, and the girl on the intercom tells me “thank you that will be $1.70 at your first window” so I drive through. I get out exact change and hand it to her and she says “um...it is $1.78” and I looked at her in confusion. “I get the same thing everyday, and it is always $1.70 was there a price change or something, you told me it was $1.70” and then she pulled out her attitude and her posture changed as she rotated her neck. “My register says $1.78” and she turns the cash register display so I can read it. It reads $1.70!!! I felt like I was on candid camera. “Your register reads $1.70 and that is what I paid you” I say back, and I was really trying to hold back from being patronizing to her even though she was a total bitch to me. She didn’t even bat an eye, called over the manager and whined to her that I didn’t want to give her the right change. WTF? Are they hiring people now that can’t read or what? The manager corrected her and gave me my money back and apologized for her attitude. So I drove to pick up my coke and hash brown.

Different girl at the window now...hands me a huge heavy bag full of food, and a super large coffee.

“This isn’t mine” I tell her.

As if she didn’t hear a word I just said, she says “would you like cream and sugar with your coffee?”

“No, this wasn’t what I ordered. I ordered a coke and a hash brown”

It was as if I told her the world was coming to an end and she didn’t know what to do first. Same manager comes to the window to help her, and I finally get my order.

What the heck? I just want my morning caffeine and grease! Is that so hard?

So, its only 9:45 and the day is already turning out to be a weird episode of the twilight zone. I’ll fill you in later, because I’m sure there will be more.
Who knows what lurks in the shadows....of bizarro land.

-Jenni

It could be worse...

2006-08-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

8/29/2006
It could be worse...

I broke a new personal record for time spent at a job.
It took me exactly 4 hours to quit.

That place was a veritable shit storm of disorganization and craziness. I made an agreement with them to come in on Monday for training half day because I still have to finish up things at my old job, to help close up shop. By the second hour of training I was ready to leave. My instincts were telling me “RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY FAST!!!”

The girl I was supposed to take over for, had already cleared out her belongings from the office, and there were stacks of papers all over the place. Nothing was organized and even she couldn’t find things when frantic co-workers asked. Her computer wasn’t even on her desk because there wasn’t room for it. It was across the room on a table that she couldn’t sit at, so when she needed it she stood over it. WTF? Her desk was used mainly for a pile of paperwork that continually grew during the time I was there, from co-workers coming in and out adding to the stack. There was no organization I could tell because that was the way her brain worked. Some people just thrive on it I guess. She was trying to train me but she would get stuck on another thought, you should see my notes...one full page of training with little arrows going back and forth following her train of thought. It was insane! I was supposed to pick up where she left off, but where was it- Under the pile of unspecified paperwork somewhere on her desk?

I asked her for a price list per vendor, and she told me “Oh well I have that all in my head”. Um okay...will you please leave your brain when you go because I’ll need to access that information sometime soon I am sure? I asked her for a list of contacts and she pulled out her cell phone and started writing on the back of one of the pieces of paper she had just received!!! No wonder she can’t find anything, she is using invoices as note paper and her own personal cell phone for vendor contacts! What the heck was I supposed to do when she left on Thursday with no price list and no contacts?

She was on speed too I think. She didn’t stop moving the whole time was there, and she couldn’t keep one thought for more than a few seconds. At one point she got on the phone so I decided to walk around to meet some people and get out of her orbit. I came across an office in the back of the building with a poor girl at a desk piled with random paper stacks, and I said hello. She looked up from her chaos at me with sad eyes and said hello back. We chatted for a minute and I found out that she had been working there for only a week and it was utter pandemonium there. She then said “I have no idea what I am doing” That is when I decided I should probably high-tail it out of there. I felt bad leaving here there. When I left I thought, I should have grabbed her by the arm and taken her with me! I called them later and respectfully resigned.

So, I’m back at my old job working through Thursday to help close things up around here. You wouldn’t believe the bad luck this place has had. I’ve only been working here for two years and in that time the company has gone under due to multiple thefts. When I first started here, there had been a break in to the front offices and all the computer equipment in 6 offices was stolen. Just recently we discovered a theft ring working internally in our warehouses. It had been going on for quite a while under our noses apparently, but we lost over a million dollars in product. Just this weekend, after everyone was notified of layoffs, the warehouse was broken into again- Twice! A man who owns land behind our warehouse saw it happening in the middle of the night and called the police as he drove to where it was happening. The thieves caught him, accosted him, took his cell phone and ran over him with the truck they were using. I haven’t heard anything more- but I think the man is alright, just a little bruised. Can you believe that?

As I write this, the bills the company hasn’t been able to pay are catching up with us and our internet and email was just shut off. Hopefully there will be electricity tomorrow so I can finish up!

I guess it could always be worse. I spent yesterday in an anxious, emotional fog. I think it finally hit me that I was officially unemployed. I knew I would freak out, just wasn’t sure when. My freak out day was yesterday, and boy am I glad I got it out of my system. I went to bed early last night after a fantastic conversation with Rugby Dude (who is in Torino, Italy now) and he cheered me up instantly. He is great at making everything better. I love talking to him; it is like a breath of fresh air. I miss him. He’s my number one fan.

I woke up this morning renewed, and ready to face the world. After all, it could be worse; I could have been accosted by thieves who took my cell phone and ran over me with a truck! I’m glad I wasn’t that guy! Oh and I did apply for unemployment, what could it hurt? It’s there to help me, so I figured what the heck.
Back to the drawing board. Wish me luck!

-Jenni

oh and pee ess...Thermostat at home is now set at 80 ...needless to say- I carry a fan around with me all day but it will save me money in the long run!

Is prostitution an option?

2006-08-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

8/25/2006
Is prostitution an option?

Well I got a job.
I’m sort of excited about it.
I think...

Yesterday after the interview I was pumped, but the more I think about it- the more I think it sucks. Who are these people that think that anyone can survive on $10 an hour? I talked them into paying me more but still it isn’t enough to sustain me for very long. Plus, they only pay for half medical and half dental and “frown upon” overtime. What the heck? Crappy I say! So for the next 30 days I’ll be prostituting myself for two dollars less than what I’m used to making. I made a deal with him that if after 30 days he likes what I can do he will raise it one more dollar per hour. Its still less than I make now. Poo.

Needless to say, I’m still looking around. I need to get drunk tonight.
I have already taken measures to try and save money, and now I have to cut back even more I guess. I set my thermostat at 78 during the day while I’m not there and 74 at night- which means that upstairs is at least 80 all night. It sucks sleeping in a pool of your own sweat. I went and nabbed a desk fan from my office to blow on me all night, I didn’t sleep very well but I guess it’s worth saving a little money-Ill get used to it.

And now for something completely different

This morning something strange happened to me on the way to work. I was at a stop light and noticed what a crappy car was in front of me. I thought to myself “why don’t people take care of their cars better?” and then the light turned green. I then noticed that said crappy car in front of me had a slightly wobbly wheel. Now normally I don’t talk out loud to myself, but this morning I felt it appropriate.

“Dude, your wheel is going to friggin fall off.” I said out loud to myself, as if he could hear me and nod in agreement. I thought about passing him, but then....his wheel fell off!!! Sparks went flying, the car shifted off to the right and I immediately slowed down just in case. The tire went off on the loose down the road and hit a poor innocent car in the turn lane across the street. Poor woman didn’t know what hit her, but it hit pretty hard and it was a rolling tire from a crappy car that probably doesn’t have an owner with insurance.

What was even weirder- the guy with three wheels and sparks flying just kept on driving! Gosh, I can’t imagine driving a car with only one front wheel but I can only suspect it feels a lot differently than driving on one wobbly wheel and one normal one. Guess he got scared, and probably didn’t have insurance. Bastard Glad I didn’t pass him.

-Jenni

Pavement Pounding

2006-08-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

8/22/2006
Pavement Pounding

Looks like once again; I am out of a job.

I got a phone call yesterday from my boss letting me know that the company I have been working for is dissolving. Of course I was sad, selfishly I was sad mostly because I hate looking for jobs and I have absolutely no savings. So unless otherwise specified, I have a week left. How is it that the last two companies I have worked for have gone out of business? I guess this is a sign that I have to swallow my pride and work for someone corporate.

How do people do it? How do people survive in the time between losing their jobs and finding a new one? I am not the kind of person to apply for unemployment; I would rather close out an insurance policy or something than resort to government money. I am a little worried that I won’t find anything as soon as I need to. I probably have enough money to pay next months rent and bills but after that, I’m dead broke.

I called last night and closed out my life insurance policy, that should give me a pretty good pillow of money for a little while. I’d rather not use it at all, but I will feel better if I have a little savings to fall back on in an emergency. I can’t get a friggin credit card for some reason; they tell me my credit score isn’t good enough. Well how am I supposed to work on building my credit up again if I can’t get a credit card!

Speaking of emergencies, that means I won’t have health insurance for a while! Last time I picked up my prescription of birth control, my insurance had bumped my co pay up from $30 to $50 with no warning. I have been planning on changing my prescription for a while now anyway. Where can you get the pill without a prescription? I guess I don’t have to worry about being on the pill for a couple months at least since Rugby Dude will be in Europe until mid October.

He flies to London tonight. Eeek. I’m going to miss him a LOT; which doesn’t really make a lot of sense because he is in Florida now, so the long distance is still there- he will just be in another country. I’m not sure if we will be able to talk as much as we have been either because of the time difference. On any normal day we talk on instant messenger all day, and then either a phone call or a chat on Skype.com with my newfangled webcam. I will definitely miss the communication every day.

His plans are to move to Denver at the end of October. He has hooked up with a family friend and they will be renting a downtown loft for a year or so until Rugby Dude can find a house he wants to buy. I’m already planning to go visit him as soon as he gets back from Europe in October. Hopefully by then I will have a new job, and a little savings, and birth control.

Anyone out there hiring?

-Jenni

Relationship

2006-08-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

8/18/2006
Relationship- DEFINED!

Funny how flowers can just make everything better.

A couple nights ago, before my freak-out, Rugby Dude asked me a question on instant messenger. How would you define our “relationship”? Since I am the Jenni, I didn’t think first and I jumped on the chance to ramble and blabber out how I felt for him. I pretty much made a fool out of myself spewing out a bunch of emotional and long-winded dribbeling. At the time it sounded great, but then I realized – oh shit, I think maybe he was joking. I have a habit of letting my mouth run before I think about what I may be getting myself into. The conversation was pretty one sided, I rambled and he listened. I got flustered and the conversation didn’t end as well as I hoped it would. And then the breakdown of August 17th happened.

The funny thing is, I don’t think he even read my blog but I got a call from him last night. He wanted to know that I was okay, and that I was feeling good about us. He cleared everything up for me. He was so amazing about it too! No one has ever cleared up my worries like he did for me yesterday. He really opened up last night, and without going into detail lets just say- I’m in love! As soon as we got off the phone I felt like I was floating. I am back to knowing exactly what I want, and what I want is him. He makes me extremely happy. More than anyone has ever made me happy before. He still gives me butterflies, even just hearing his voice on the phone or getting flowers from him gets me all fluttery inside.

I have no worries now. I know how he feels, and I trust him 100%. I know that he knows how I feel, and I know that he is happy. That’s all that matters to me. All I want to do is make him happy. I want to be the girl that brings a smile to his face, because that is what he does for me. I can’t stop smiling!

Everything else before this moment in time was just a waste of breath. I never even knew what I was missing. I have talked before about love, and after last night I know for sure that I have never been in love. This is so much more than anything I have ever experienced. This is a different feeling, a much more intense feeling than anything I have ever felt for anyone before this. This is what love should feel like.

Everything else was just the road that led me here.

-Jenni

A little bit crazy

2006-08-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

8/17/2006
A little bit crazy

Has anyone else out there ever been in an “undefined relationship”? And if so, are you as confused as I am? I can’t deny the fact that I am a woman, and I think a lot differently than men do, but why can’t relationships just be easy? I know it is silly to want that, if relationships were simple there would be no excitement; the rollercoaster is part of the fun. It’s supposed to be anyway.

I have really been trying hard to change the way I think about relationships lately. It is a lot harder than I thought. I have actually been doing really good about it, and then I have days like today and I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. I don’t know what it is about being a woman, but we tend to over think things until they are huge piles of mush taking up the place where our brains should be. Right about now my brain is long past mush- its pulp.

• The way I want to think- take is slow, live for today, have fun, no worries.

• The way my brain is used to working- define relationship, set boundaries, create rules, plan for future, worry worry worry.

• The way my brain is working today- pppjjhhhhhllleeeeggggggmmmmmmaaaaaaagggghh
I definitely don’t want to become naggy and overbearing about it, because I know where that can lead. But I have these days like today, where all I want is some answers. As a woman, sometimes I just need them to make my mind shut up. And if my mind shuts up so will my mouth. And if my mouth shuts up I won’t get in trouble..(Unless I document it in writing- like in a blog perhaps?) Sigh.

I just don’t understand how guys do it. How are they always so aloof and carefree about relationships? Do they ever worry about things like women do? Or do they just set their own rules and keep them a secret from us until we snap like crazy stalker lunatics. Men have a rulebook somewhere, I just know it! I will admit, I do set my own relationship rules from time to time, but I make sure they are public knowledge to whoever I’m “dating”. I also have no problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve. I will voice my feelings at the drop of a hat, and you don’t even have to ask. Why is it so hard to get a man to tell you what is up? Even if its bad news, I will be fine with it, as long as I’m in the loop!

I know, I’m just having a bad day and I worry too much. I should just have fun with it, and just take things with a grain of salt. Its soooooo hard though! I know exactly what I want, is that what is making me crazy? Maybe I should throw all that out the window and start with a clean slate. Maybe that would make my brain hurt less. Maybe having absolutely no expectations in regards to this relationship will make things “easier”.

I suddenly find myself right back where I was. Nothing is easy, especially relationships. But I guess we can make it easier on ourselves by eliminating the drama in our own heads. As a woman, there is constant drama in my head. I wish I could turn it off and think like a man. I wish I could change the way I think, and I’m really really trying, I am. Some days are just harder than others.

Ugh...my pile of mush hurts.

-Jenni

UTI think I'm gonna die

2006-08-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

8/16/2006
UTI think I'm gonna die

Dear baby Jesus, make it stop.....
It just wouldn’t be a year in the life of a girl without getting one- a dreaded UTI. (For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about a UTI is a urinary tract infection aka bladder infection) How do people function normally in their daily lives while dealing with this? I woke up feeling like I was going to pee myself and almost didn’t make it to the toilet before I realized what was happening. When the thought entered my mind I felt my face squinch up, but that may have also been from the agonizing pain of fire shooting from my body. Why does it always feel like molten lava coming from you? Dammit I hate these things.

Last time this happened I stocked up on the ingredients to remedy a UTI, according to the wisdom handed down to me from friends and family members. I have gone to the doc before for these things, but all he really tells you is not to have dirty sex, and to stay clean while taking a load of pills. I’ve been able to cure it myself before for a lot less than that co-pay cost.

I’ve tried Cranberry juice before, and all it really does is help you to pee more. I have even tried 100% sugar free cranberry juice and people I DO NOT recommend it- it’s disgusting The idea is that the anti oxidants in the juice will help to neutralize the bacterial growth. But if the bacteria are already there...the cranberry juice does no good. Cranberry juice is only protective in the early stages. It doesn’t work.

I’ve tried drinking massive amounts of water. All this does is making the frequent trips to the bathroom more bearable. The idea is to purge your urethra of any bacteria hanging around. But all it really does is make you have to pee even more! It doesn’t work, but it does help.

I’ve tried drinking teaspoons of apple cider vinegar and honey in warm water. This is just disgusting, Id rather pee molten lava than have to drink this concoction six times a day. Yuck!

I’ve tried drinking baking soda mixed in warm water- again, it’s gross and helps in the beginning but in the end all it does is make me feel worse.

DO NOT DRINK CAFFEINE. I repeat- do not drink caffeine at all! Stay far far away from coffee and soda because all it will do is make you feel even worse. Caffeine is a diuretic and makes you feel like you need to pee more. I am guilty of thinking, there’s water in coke...right Jenni, great thinking.

I’ve tried the over the counter UTI pain relievers that come in the little orange pills. The first time I had an experience with these was through a prescription from my doctor. But you can buy them at the grocery store for much less. I was startled at first because it literally turns your pee iodine red. It also stains your toilets if you aren’t careful. These little tiny pills will take care of the sting, but there is nothing in them to help the bacteria. It helps, but doesn’t cure.

A couple years ago they found out that the live cultures in yogurt are helpful to women and their digestive tracts. I tried the new Dannon brand DanActive drinks the last time this happened and it helped IMMENSELY. I drank one drink for breakfast and another at lunch mixed with the pain relievers and gallons of water. This works!

Halleluiah!

So on my way to work this morning I stopped at the grocery store for some DanActive, some distilled water, and some UTI pain relievers. Hopefully by the end of the day I will feel better because I had to scoot to the restroom twice while in the grocery store alone! People look at you funny when you are bent at a 45 degree angle running through the store with your hands in your crotch like a two year old. \
Wish me luck! I'll post an update later today.

****Please note- I am NOT a doctor and these are merely suggestions. They may not work for you, but they work for me. If anyone has any more suggestions feel free to leave a comment. But please don’t sue me if your urethra falls out.

-Jenni

Other Peoples Children

2006-08-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

8/15/2006
Other Peoples Children

I don’t remember disliking babysitting as much as I do now.

Well it may have something to do with the fact that I am babysitting unwillingly from the extreme discomfort of my desk at work. Now, please don’t get me wrong- other people’s children are lovely, as long as I can give them back at the end of the day. This one in particular is a sweet kid, I have written about him before because he is precocious and funny sometimes. This morning in particular he was bold in his first comment to me.

As he walked down the hallway in front of my office after a brief wave hello through the sliding window to my desk I looked up with a cheerful smile as he said “um Jenni what’s up with the dark circles under your eyes?” My smile wilted abruptly with early morning irritability the second my boss laughed at him.

It’s her kid you see, and I believe she is using him as a torture device to drive me insane. She thinks it’s funny; she must since she brings him in at least twice a week and discards him onto me.

“Isn’t there a school or a prison somewhere that is missing you today?” I ask him as he plopped his backpack to the floor and took the seat in front of my desk.
“Seriously is that makeup or something because it’s really really dark under your eyes”

“Where is your mother...” I whispered in my best cynical sigh

I decided to ignore him, maybe he would go away. I suddenly had a new appreciation for my dog because he can't talk.

His mother, apparently assuming that every time she brings him in with her I will be his nanny, was now sitting comfortably in silence in her office down the hall. I pretended to ignore him but he wouldn’t let me. Kids need attention, but this one has to have a permanent spotlight on him at all times.

I had zoned out at one point, but after about an hour of hearing his voice buzzing in my ear about who knows what I decided to listen in to his blabbering. Is he still here? He had been talking for almost an hour about how awful I look today. Gah! What the heck happened to child care, why isn’t he in school, and why does he choose me to annoy today?

So what if I had been up since 4am on the toilet taking a much needed 5-day-old poop and just never fell back asleep? So what if I decided to go sans concealer this morning because I had been too lazy because of said 4am pooping. So what if I have perpetual dark circles under my makeup and frizzy hair that just won’t stay in my ponytail and decides to stick straight out instead? I’m pretty dammit! And I’m at friggin work- who cares? No one sees me all day unless they have stumbled into the wrong building anyway. And who are you- a 7 year old with no manners- to make me feel like crap this early in the morning anyway? Why am I arguing with a fetus anyway?

I decided to keep all that to myself however because you know what a 7yr old can do with that type of information, especially when you include the word poop and a raised voice. I realized he didn’t know any better, apparently because his mother won’t pay attention to him long enough to teach him any manners. And who also laughs at his bad behavior instead of correcting him.

Instead, I smiled extremely pessimistically at him in a very Jenni way and got up out of my desk straining to remain calm

“Here...”I said as his backpack was politely but forcefully handed back to him. “...let me help you put this back on for your trip down the hall”
“Wait, where are we going?” he whined

I pointed to his mother’s office and said “go find your mom and tell her this is why Jenni doesn’t have children!”

Okay I didn’t really tell him that, but I thought about it heavily as I watched him drag his feet down the hall to his mother’s office. I heard the familiar sound of a pint sized backpack falling to the floor, and a mumble of one sided conversation.

At one point I heard a miniature running noise and then “oh no look, my pants fell down!”

She took him home soon thereafter.

-Jenni

Happiness Revisited

2006-08-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

8/8/2006
Happiness Revisited

I am falling for him all over again.

It’s hard not to, he is the epitome of what I love about being with someone. It is funny; I can be completely myself around him because he already knows I’m like this. It almost feels like I have been in a coma for the last nine years and I’m getting back into him just like I was before, but even more so; As if we just took a nine year break. I’m being very careful about it though. I guess I shouldn’t so much; it takes away from the experience. I just don’t want to screw anything up this time. He is the best thing that has happened to me in years, and I don’t want to lose him. Not again.

I am trying really hard to re-train my brain in the way I think about things. It’s really hard not to think about what my future holds, especially when I am with him. I can see forever in his eyes, but I don’t want to jump that far ahead just yet. It’s a “to be continued” story, I have to keep telling myself. I can’t jump ahead to the last page. I have to remember to take it day by day, and it is turning out to be a really spectacular thing. I don’t worry as much anymore, because life reshapes itself all the time.

You know, this might sound silly, but about a week before I found him on myspace I took one of those silly quizzes to waste some time. It was the “Which Sex and the City Vixen are you?” quiz. I am apparently most like Miranda according to the quiz. I guess it must be the redhead thing, that and the independent personality I think, however I don’t agree with most of it. This one was different though, it had a romantic prediction listed at the end. If you go to my myspace page I have it posted, but it reads “Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect...But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.” I keep looking back at that and thinking to myself...weird, because it’s true.

I am in this mindset that I’ve never experienced before- as far as relationships go. Normally I’m all about staking my claim but this time, I’m a lot freer with it. I truly think we are perfect for each other, and I know he feels the same way about me; but the timing is just not there for us to really truly be together right now. He has a lot going on in his life, he’s traveling, and he’s figuring out his job situation, he’s relocating in a few months; he just has a lot on his plate. But the weird thing is, I’m okay with just having fun with this and be casual about it for now. I’m happy just knowing he’s out there somewhere, and that he feels the same for me as I feel for him. Unless he tells me any different, I’m not worried about it at all, in any way shape or form. This is really unusual for me. Things will work themselves out in the end.

He’s coming to visit again this weekend. I can’t wait. After this weekend I won’t get a chance to see him again for a couple months probably because he will be going to Europe. Going to stock up on snuggles this time. It feels amazing to be around him. He makes me feel amazing no matter where he is in the world. I literally feel like I can breathe easier when I’m around him. The rest of the world could be spinning out of control around us, and we would never know. I like it like that.

Cheers!

Serendipity & Second Chances

2006-07-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

7/31/2006
Serendipity & Second Chances

So this weekend on the road trip- Rugby Dude and I were playing the “ask me a question” game. I personally love playing this game because the more questions you start asking of each other the deeper the questions get after a while. It can take some really interesting twists and turns and before you know it- you find out some really interesting things about the other person! I’m a big fan of the game.

So it was Rugby Dudes turn to ask me a question.

“What prompted you to find me on myspace after all that time?” he asked.
It’s amazing how many thoughts can rush into your brain in one instance, and at that instant I had 9 years of memories fluttering around in my brain. I didn’t really have a whole answer for him though; I was a little stumped because there was so much underneath the reason why I searched for him on myspace. It wasn’t just because of one event or thought; it was because of a million little things.

The day I searched for his name on myspace wasn’t the first time I wanted to talk to him in the years since we parted ways. It was just the first time I had the guts to. You see, I was a (for lack of a better word) bitch to him 9 years ago. I was selfish, and wasn’t very careful with his feelings back then. I never expected for him to ever forgive me for the way I ended things between us. And what’s more, I never dreamed we would become friends again, let alone ever see each other again. But it happened.

It was 1996 or ‘97 I think if I’m remembering correctly. I met him in class, in Flagstaff where we were both in the same major in college. I don’t remember a lot of how we became such good friends, but I do remember being over at his house all the time just hanging out. Things progressed; we got closer and started seeing each other seriously. We graduated, I stayed in Flagstaff and he moved to Phoenix. We had plans to move in together and I got cold feet. The year before I had ended my first seven year relationship because I wanted to date other people, and then I met Rugby Dude. It scared me a lot that I had such strong feelings for him so soon after becoming single. I remember looking at apartments with him, visiting him in Phoenix and panicking when I realized how strongly my feelings were for him. I was scared of getting right back into a relationship, and I really really liked him, I was falling fast. I broke it off by telling him I just wanted to be friends. It was an easy out, and I was extremely careless with his feelings. I was a big chicken. I hate myself for that.

What I hate even more about the way I handled it was the fact that I met the Dreamer just weeks after breaking up with Rugby Dude. Pretty soon, my whole focus was on Dreamer and I completely shut out RD. Part of that was because Dreamer was so jealous, and I was heartless to turn RD away even as a friend. I knew it would only hurt him further if he knew I had fallen for someone else so soon after our breakup. I stopped answering his calls, never answered his letters and soon completely lost touch. I was selfish and I regret that.

Hindsight is 20/20 and we all grow from our mistakes. I never forgot about him though. I thought about him a lot through the years, often wondered what he was up to, where he was, how he was, but never had the guts to try and find out. I know that breaking up the way I did was wrong but in some ways it was a good thing. Who knows what would have happened if we had stayed together, but I know I wouldn’t take back the years because they are a part of me now, and I’ve learned a lot about life, and what love really is. I learned how to grow from my mistakes. People change, I have changed a lot since then. I understand the value of being completely truthful with the ones you love, and being true to yourself, and after all these years I understand how completely important it is to live life with no regrets. Things happen for a reason, and for whatever reason I think all this time has passed between us for some purpose. I don’t know what yet, and maybe it isn’t for me to know, but I do know I am completely thankful for whatever reason it was that led to us meeting again.

I can hate myself, and apologize for things over and over, but I think its time to forgive myself for the way I behaved back then. I was so young. We were both so young. And seeing him now just reminds me of how immature I really was when it came to love. I threw away a really good thing back then; I just didn’t know any better. I know now. I have grown up in so many ways since then, experienced so many things, met so many people who helped me to gain new perspectives and taught me how to look at life through adult eyes. I wouldn’t take back a second of any of that. I know he wouldn’t either.

So here we are almost 10 years later; a few more wrinkles, a lot of new scars (inside and out) a few pounds lost and gained - the package has aged with time but what’s inside is still pretty much the same. I’m so happy that I finally found the courage to look him up. I think if it were at any other point in my life it might not have worked out the way it has. I’m even happier that he still has such a big heart, and could forgive me for my mistakes. It’s in the past now.

I’m not sure where it’s going, I’m just happy for today. And the fact that he is back in my life is enough to keep a constant smile on my face for a very very long time to come. I will just end this by saying this is definitely a “to be continued” story that started almost 10 years ago. I’m not going to rush with any of it, I’m not going to live for tomorrow, and I’m not going to worry anymore about the past. I’m living for what is right now; and all I know is that right now, at this very pin point in time I am happy and that is all that matters.

*Note to self
Don’t mess this up again Jenni
just follow your gut
and wear your heart on your sleeve.

-Jenni

One of those Deja vu things

2006-07-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

7/26/2006
One of those Deja vu things

I haven’t had Déjà vu in a very very long time.

I'm not sure whether I should be scared of that, or relieved.
You see, I am one of those people who believes in a few things that not a lot of people do anymore in these times. Reincarnation, fate, and the fact that we are here on earth to fulfill a purpose are a couple of things I strongly believe in. In addition, déjà vu is very important to me.

I am torn between two theories on déjà vu. The one that most people will give as an explanation is that it happens because our brains recognize a memory but don’t know where to retrieve it from, so it makes us feel like we have done something or been somewhere before in a similar way. Or that it was a dream once. Unless I’m psychic, I’m just not sure I buy that.

What if we are living in alternate realities over and over again after reincarnation? What if our souls really are brought back and when we experience déjà vu it is because our soul is reliving the same memories over again because of fate? What if our lives are already mapped out for us, and déjà vu is a way of telling us that we are on the right path? If déjà vu is a reminder that we are here for one reason, how do we know when we have gotten there?

But what if déjà vu is a way for fate to tell us that we are on the wrong path- again? If our souls really are living the same lives over and over again to reach one final purpose, those memories are there repeatedly because in past lifetimes we took the wrong path. Otherwise our souls wouldn’t be remembering a former lifetime if it had reached its goal; it would be renewed to create new memories. So if there is no déjà vu, does that mean we are on the right path?

I like that last hypothesis best. I think that I am on the right path finally, and not having déjà vu is a sign that I haven’t been down this road before; it’s all new to me. Maybe because of the changes I have made in my life recently, I have changed my own fate. Is that possible? Or is this what fate has had in store for me all along?

If fate really is written in the stars, maybe experiencing déjà vu is a way of showing us our own roadmap in a tiny glimpse. Maybe it happens at the crossroads of our destiny, and it is up to us to choose the right direction to follow. Perhaps a few years ago I wandered off the path that fate had in store for me to follow and because of the lack of feeling that déjà vu thing, that’s fates way of telling me I’m going to be okay. I like that.

Yeah, I feel good about this; I think I’m back on the right path finally.

-Jenni

Friday blabbering

2006-07-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

7/21/2006
Friday blabbering

Not a lot has happened since last I wrote. Tonight I’m heading up to Corsicana again for the garage sale at my grandparents old house. Last weekend I drove mom up and back so that we could mark all the sale items with colored stickers and organize and such. Let me just tell you, it was so hot I had to have lost at least 5 pounds in sweat alone. Last weekend the high was 103, but I am pretty sure inside that garage was about ten degrees hotter. This weekend should be cooler but I’m going prepared to sweat!

I plan on taking a bunch of pictures of the old house. I love that place. I remember it being so huge when I would visit as a child. The old red truck is still in my grandpas garage, and there used to be a swing hanging from the enormous trees in the back yard. I don’t remember going to the greenhouse much when I was little but its there behind the garage. I smashed some pennies on the railroad track last time I was there, just like Sarah and I used to do when we were children. Its still exciting to go looking for the pennies after the train has gone by. I remember once when I was about seven or eight we were visiting and I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I got lost inside the house. I remember it being so big inside, with so many rooms; when I go back now it amazes me how tiny the house really is! There are a ton of interesting treasures and out of the ordinary things to take pictures of around the property, Id like to make an album about the house.

My grandfather used to be a brick layer in Corsicana for many years, and there are about a million bricks built in to the lay of the property. The yard is just so amazing, huge even now as an adult looking up into the enormous treetops the tower over the house like guardians; they make me feel small again. I hope my parents decide they like it there enough to stay for a couple more years. I will be so sad when that house sells...it’s a part of me and my history.

The railroad tracks directly across the yard, the bright red bricks, the sprawling lawns surrounding the old house, the old red Chevy truck in the garage, the ancient red bicycle inside the greenhouse, the grandfather clock that keeps us all awake in the night, the locust shells all over, the grape vines, all the junk in the garage, the garden I never knew was there...all of it has some meaning. It’s all a treasure for me to go back to. I will miss it.

On a lighter note, Rugby Dude bought me a plane ticket to fly to Denver next weekend! (Insert HUGE smile heeeeeeere) I am sooo super excited. I will only be in Denver for the night because then we will be driving back to Austin the next day or two. I know it sounds silly, but he said he wanted some more face time with me so that made me feel great. And then he bought me a plane ticket! I’m really excited to have some more catching up time with him. We talk almost every day now, mostly on IM and phone so it will be reallllly nice to see him face to face. I need some snuggling time too.

I sort of divulged my crush to him the other day- eeeeek! Well indirectly- he read it. I got a super nice email from him after he read it, although I’m still not really sure of what his feelings are. He has told me that he thinks of me often, and that is enough to keep my heart beat fluttering. I know it would be silly of me to think that anything serious may come of this, but I still have a little hope. So until then, I’m just floating day to day, I think of him all the time still, and that is enough to keep a smile on my face. I can’t wait for the road trip with him. Maybe Ill get some more answers out of him, although I will not pressure him, he does know how I feel so I guess the ball is in his court. We will see. And even if nothing comes of it, I can live with myself knowing that I put it out there. I’m definitely not going to be that girl anymore that sits around waiting for things to come to her. I figure if I’m truthful with my feelings right off the bat- no games will be played on either side.

Speaking of games- got a really nasty letter from Lummox the other day. I wasn’t going to talk about it, but I just want to get it out there that I am so very happy that I got out of that relationship when I did. That man has got a really nasty and ugly side to him that I am glad I won’t get a chance to know any further than I already have. He is one of those people who is abusive with his words and he gets off on it. I read his email and promptly told him to go to hell. That is the last I will hear of him hopefully. I don’t need people like him who are just out to hurt me to make themselves feel better. Oh and by the way, I got another email from a married friend Lummox and I once shared. She claimed that he came on to her a little after we broke up- what a fucktard. How tacky is that? What was I thinking that I could marry a guy like that? I’m glad to have purged him from my life for good. This is the last of the negative energy he has caused me, and although it feels good to get it out, I don’t plan on writing anything more about him.

I deleted all information dealing with and relating to both Lummox and the Dreamer. I took the Dreamer off my myspace friends list, and deleted both of their email addresses and emails from my accounts. I don’t need them hanging around my life anymore, they are useless to me now and only cause more drama in my life. Its jut too bad I wasted so much time on them.

Onward and Upward!
-Jenni

I'm gonna be an Aunt!

2006-07-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

7/18/2006
I'm gonna be an Aunt!

My sister is PREGNANT!!!

WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!

As of today she is officially 16 weeks along and very very excited about it as we all are. Okay so I have known for a while now but I didn’t want to jinx it ;) She found out about two weeks before mother’s day, and very appropriately I might add. She sent me a photo message to my phone with a pic of the pregnancy test, I promptly called and yelled “that’s a little bit more important than a text message!!!!” and then we rejoiced together over the phone. I remember jumping all around my living room and in the back yard.

I was really proud to learn that I was the first person to know, not even Nathan knew yet! I am the worst person to divulge your secrets to- I can’t stand it- I have to tell someone!! She wanted to wait a week before telling Nathan and our parents so I had to hold it in. I didn’t even attempt to call my parents for fear that I would slip and spill the beans! It was sooooo hard!!! AND she made me promise not to blog about it!!! GAAH!!. That was the hardest part I think :)
The week before mother’s day she made a surprise visit to Dallas where Nathan was finishing up school and she gave him a little box all wrapped up. When he opened it he saw tiny little Michigan booties and a tiny little Michigan cap. I’m not sure how the rest goes, but I heard he was super surprised and very happy to hear the news.

Then they got in the car and drove to see our parents to break the news to them. Sarah was sneaky again and added a line in at the end of moms mothers day card that let her know she would soon be a grandmother. Mom and dad were very happy; it was a great surprise to them as well.

And then I still couldn’t talk about it because they hadn’t told Nathan’s parents yet! I am really not good with secrets :) it was driving me crazy until my parents called that weekend and I could finally stop holding my hand over my mouth. I did tell Lummox though ha ha, I HAD to tell somebody!

I am so excited to be an aunt! I am going to be crazy aunt Jenni that her kids love to come and visit because I will spoil them rotten. I say “them” because I hope they have more :) And hopefully also I will have children one of these days so they can have some cousins to play with! If not- Ill just steal a kid from the store for the day and we can all play make believe! All jokes aside, I am a very proud sister these days. Congratulations Sarah and Nathan! I can’t wait for December!

-Jenni

I found my Sparkle

2006-07-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

7/14/2006
I found my Sparkle

you know whats weird-
This whole time I have been thinking- i need to change myself- I need to go out and find friends to make myself happy

but you know what- what i want to do is what makes me happiest- and what makes me happiest tonight is staying home; finding my most favorite songs and playing them the loudest I can possibly play them without pissing off my neighbors, and singing at the top of my lungs with my hair wet from a fresh shower and a tee shirt fresh from the dryer and nothing underneath...dancing around like crazy because theres no one else here but my dog and he loves me no matter what.

and its completely fun for me because its what I want to do

no one else decided for me

this is what I want to do tonight

i love that

and i love this song

and I am doing what make me happy, and only me

fuck it

i dont care what anyone else thinks

anyone

im happy

-Jenni

Choices and Changes

2006-07-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

Choices and Changes

Okay, so before I can invite anyone into my life I need to take care of a few things. I need to take care of myself and learn how to be by myself comfortably before I can move forward I think. I have some issues sure, everyone does. But I think maybe some of my issues are getting in the way of living in the truest way that I can. I need to rebuild myself. Rugby Dude called it the tower of power, the pyramid of Jenni :)

First issue is to lose this weight. It has really changed my self esteem in a way that I do not like. I still feel pretty with clothes on, and I still feel like I am a sexy person...until I see myself naked. Ick!

It’s all trickle down. Because of my low self esteem- I don’t take care of myself like I should. I don’t get up early enough to work out because I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the energy because I don’t work out. I don’t fix my hair, or make myself look nice and presentable because I don’t give myself time in the morning because I am too lazy! I am not that person! I am a pretty girl; I should use my assets and make them work for me.

I have man problems because of my own decisions. I chose to be with the Dreamer for almost 7 years and let him walk all over me- I’m throwing him away for good. All he does is hold me back anyway. I’m letting go of the Lummox because he has let go of me. There’s no use holding onto the past anyway...those two are just keeping me down. Or let me rephrase that. I am allowing those two to keep me down and I will not allow that anymore. Moving on!

Insert big exhale here

Now. How and where do I start? How about 20 things...hmmm

1. Delete anything having to do with said men who are weighing me down. Purge thoughts and feelings about them for good.
2. Get big fat booty out of bed in the mornings and walk for an hour.
3. Shower in the mornings and fix hair and makeup nicely without having to rush.
4. Cut all fast food and junk food. Switch to water and diet coke.
5. Work on resume to achieve higher paying job
6. Sit ups and push ups when I get home from work or before bed.
7. Stop drinking so much...beer. (I gotta have a glass of wine once in a while!)
8. Purge all negative thoughts and negative energy from my life.
9. Be a better person, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better single girl
10. Get out of the house and have some fun
11. Get GPS system and learn to not be afraid of driving and getting lost
12. Plant garden to tend to on the weekends
13. Start drawing and painting more
14. Start reading popular books at night so as to have some form of conversation with said new friends
15. Meet new people and gain friendships
16. Get back my “sparkle” (I don’t know where I lost it)
17. Get some sun!
18. Stop taking life so seriously
19. Breathe in and out every day and enjoy life.
20. Like myself more (I’m a great person!)

Okay...I think that is a good start...off to begin a great weekend with my parents! Have a great one!

-Jenni

Universe and You

2006-07-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

7/12/2006
Universe and You

I've got major man problems.

I am a complete and total mess right now. And it is all because of the men in my life. I know I may have caused this drama, and some of it is only in my head but god, I am in a very weird weird place right now.

Last night I finally had the balls to let the Dreamer know that I had seen "Kitty" the girl he cheated on me with. Lets just say it didnt go over well. I wasnt mean or spiteful about anything, I just let him know that I saw her picture finally on her myspace page. I thought she would be gorgeous. I am not really sure why, but I always thought that if I saw her and she was beautiful I would be able to understand. She is quite average, normal looking. I think in some weird sadistic way, it makes me feel better that she is just average...why the hell is that? In any way, I think I pissed him off. My bad.

And I havent heard from Lummox for a long long time. He isnt online, he erased his myspace page and his blog and is never on IM anymore. The last email I got from him ended with "in my last true attempt at friendship I say- goodbye Jenni. I will miss you." what the heck does that mean? It has been driving me crazy since I read it. It is confusing, if he wanted to be friends still- why the goodbye? Why the silent treatment? Was he just trying to get the last word? sigh, he makes my head hurt.

And now...I have a CRUSH! God, what the hell am I thinking. Why do I fall for guys who live hundreds of miles away from me? I can't stop thinking about him. I feel consumed with it. He gave me butterflies, no one has given me butterflies like that in a very very long time- not from Lummox and not from the Dreamer. I can still smell him on my pillows, and on the shirt I wore while we snuggled one night. I find myself drifting off into daydreams and smiling at inappropriate times because I am thinking about him. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant concentrate...Even thinking about him gives me that falling feeling in my tummy. What do I do now? He is basically the un-gettable man, and I know that he doesnt feel the same about me and probably never will. It makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. What the hell is wrong with me.
sigh

I need a glass of wine.

-Jenni

a dude sighting

2006-07-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

7/10/2006

I had the greatest weekend!

I spent the whole weekend with Rugby Dude and it was fantastic. I hadn’t seen him in person in almost 9 years but even in spite of that, it was almost as if we picked up right where we left off! It was great to see him again.

He came to stay with me on his way to look for a house in Denver and decided to stay for the weekend; I’m so glad he did. We went out for sushi and cocktails on 6th street on Saturday night. And then we spent the rest of the night talking and catching up until almost 5am. It was so fabulous to have some much needed human contact, and there was no one I’d like to spend a weekend with than him.

It was great to see him in the flesh, since we have kept in touch only lately through phone, emails and instant messaging. And after all these years he is still the same big lovable teddy bear he used to be! With a few subtle changes of course. And I can’t speak for him, but I think we still click like we used to. We have always had a lot in common and could talk about anything easily, and it is still the same for me- he makes me very comfortable still, even after all the years we didn’t speak.

He is one of those guys, the kind that every girl describes when they dream of their perfect man. He’s got it all- good looks, a brilliant personality, fantastic sense of humor, he’s warm and caring and loves to snuggle. He is a great guy...period.

I was sad to see him go this morning. I hope that it doesn’t take another 9 years for us to get together for a visit again, and I hope we never lose touch. I missed him.

Thanks for the visit RD, I enjoyed it immensely. And that present you gave me was spectacular! Ill never forget it. You can come back again whenever you want; my door is and will always be open to you.

-Jenni

Kids...

2006-07-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

Kids...

I just had the most fascinating conversation with a seven year old about Bill Clinton.

My boss brought her son in with her today; I’ve known him since he was a baby. My mom was his nanny until last year, and they are also close neighbors to my parents as well. Grayson is his name and he is a big silly pants when he is around me. I have become that girl who kids are drawn to because I can get on their level, yes I’m a seven year old trapped in a woman’s body. Anyway, today he came into my office to have a chat and to tell me his silly made up jokes and suddenly he asked “Did you vote for President Clinton?”

I sat there stunned, not knowing where this one came from because we were just having a LOVELY conversation about boogers. I had to think for a second, and then I remembered that Yes I did vote for Clinton. It was 1992 and my very first time voting in a presidential election; it was my first year in college so of course I voted, and it happened to be Clinton that I voted for.
“Yes, I voted for Clinton” I replied as I watched his brow furrow and his nose crinkle up.

“How could you vote for him, he is such a liar!” he blurted out in a very loud inside voice. “..you shouldn’t vote for people who lie Jenni, he is a bad man”
I laughed out loud and agreed with him, yes you shouldn’t vote for people who lie.
“I think he was just mad because of his wife” he said as his face grew stern.
“Because of his wife?” I asked eagerly awaiting his reasoning on the subject.
His eyes grew bigger and he gave a big sigh and said “yeah because he should be afraid of her cause she is going to be scary when she becomes president”
I had to laugh. Smart kid, his mom taught him well.

Gone Fishing

2006-07-06T20:30:00.000-07:00

7/6/2006
Gone Fishing

Today was cute boy day at the grocery store.
And since I’m single and NOT looking,
what a better place to send off mixed messages! Yay!

I did my best at playing the part, since I have been studying up on How to Get the Guy- a great show by the way. On the first episode they teach you to make eye contact and smile, it’s very important. So instead of walking around with my head down and staring at the floor- I walked with my head up and eyes roaming. On the way in I met eyes with a very handsomely sporty guy and I had just enough time as I walked by to smile at him- he smiled back! Yay! I was off to a great start, and it was an experiment anyway.

I bought condoms today for the first time in FOREVER. You know, for just in case...just in case I run into someone who may need one, and then falls over on me repeatedly...with no clothes on. You know that sort of deal. You can never be too prepared. I think I learned that in Girl Scouts- Always be Prepared... (Or is that a Boy Scout thing?) Thanks to my Girl Scout leaders for that one...yeah-I’m sure they MEANT to say “Always remember to bring Condoms” in our 6th grade meetings.

So anyway, I made sure the box of Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive Lubricateds were in the very front of my cart as to attract any cute single men who might have been grocery shopping amongst the masses today. I used them as a sexual lure of sorts; does that make me a hooker? If I could have worn them around my neck with a flashing sign I would have. I got a lot of smiles from a few guys, and a few upturned noses from elderly ladies but they can just go and...Oh why don’t you just knit me a quilt old lady I need to get laid!

There was one particular guy I had my eye on and I followed him all the way through all the isles that us single people shop in- dairy, bread, and produce and got a couple of smiles out of him before I “accidentally” bumped him with my cart while I was eyeing the bananas. He giggled when I apologized and explained I lost my concentration, but he moved on. Coincidentally he ended up behind me in the check out isle! Wonderful I thought, but when I glanced at his hand- he was married. Damn. I had to throw him back.

I’ll try again next week; same day same time. Now I just have to think of new bait. I hear boobs work good...maybe Ill meet him next week in the melon isle...
-Jenni

Jonesing

2006-07-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

7/5/2006
Jonesing

Hope everyone had a good July 4th celebration! I ended up spending the weekend at mom and dads. It was nice to visit and have a long weekend with them although because their house is on the market, it was a little tough when people wanted to view the house. We would have to pack up and move and erase all traces that we were there. I became a master at “erasing” footprints from the carpet. Luckily my parents are watching the neighbor’s house while they are gone so we just retreated there while realtors and visitors walked through the house. Cody wasn’t too happy that he had to move around all weekend, but he dealt with it.

Mom and I went shopping and saw a movie- The Breakup with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn and it was really great. Very funny. We took gramps out to Chinese food and basically just hung out all weekend. Their neighbors had a cultisac party on Monday night and we drank beer and barbequed until the fireworks. It was nice but I realized that I have nothing to talk about with people- even in small talk! Maybe it was because of the age gap between me and the people in my parent’s neighborhood...plus I don’t have anything in common with those people other than knowing my parents. It felt like all I talked about with everyone was where I moved to, how my job was, and how I am dealing with my parents move. Boooring. I’m a big yawn!

It’s amazing how different I feel from the women in my age range in their neighborhood. There are a couple of girls who are probably only a few years older than me, but they live in huge houses, have kids and husbands. I have absolutely nothing in common with them! I can’t begin to compare my life with theirs and every time I visit my parents it becomes apparent that I am just...different.

Where are all the other single thirty something girls with no kids hanging out? Do they already have a circle of friends? Where do I begin to fit in? When do I get accepted into a group of friends and not considered the new girl? How do I find other single people to just hang out with? I’m tired of just staying home on weekends, it would be nice to meet some friends for a beer, or for a movie sometime. It shouldn’t be that hard to meet other people my age who share my single lifestyle right?

It seems like when I do meet new people, they are married with families and have already established friendships with people who are like them. I definitely don’t want to be the only single girl in the group. Another problem I’m finding is that, well a lot of women my age already have kids and their lives revolve around caring for them, and I’m not prejudiced against them, but it would be nice to hang out where there aren’t children sucking up all the attention in the room.

Finding new friends is almost like finding a guy to go on a date with. There are certain qualities that I look for in potential friendships just as I do when I look for a man. Is she single like me? Does she have no kids like me? Does she like to drink socially and bash on men, like me? Where are all my single friends in Austin? They are probably hanging out with all the single men that I’m not dating.

Why do I feel like Bridget Jones all of a sudden? Oh god, I think I am Bridget Jones...

The World Spins Madly On

2006-06-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

6/28/2006
The World Spins Madly On

Tonight, I got into bed thinking I would just go right to sleep but I couldn’t. So I put in my Tuesday night TV tape. Last week I taped Tuesday Night Book Club, have you seen it? It’s a great show for us women who haven’t got it all figured out yet. If you haven’t watched it yet- you should.

But wait, I got ahead of myself…

All day today I had been having an internal struggle with some things that have been going on in my life recently, and have been thinking about some big things in my life that need to be changed.

I got an email from the Dreamer a couple days ago, and it got me in the gut…it just was a little sweet and I never expected that from him. Its just been rolling around in my head for a couple days now. I don’t know how to digest it.

This afternoon I had a really great talk with Rugby Dude (he knows who he is). He really helps me to get things into perspective. I told him he should be a motivational speaker because he has successfully been able to kick my ass on two occasions now. He got me to start walking every day, and today he got me to line up my life priorities. The talk with him really showed me that I don’t need a man in my life right now, what I really need is to take care of myself first. If I can get that going everything else will fall into place. He’s right you know. Thanks Rugby Dude.

So after all this going on today I finally lay down to rest my mind and while watching Tuesday Night Book Club I hear this song. It really got me in the gut. So much so, that I haven’t stopped crying. The lyrics can mean so much more than just the obvious. And to me it means I need to start some movement in my life. I’ve done too much standing still, waiting for it all to come to me. It’s time to get out of my bubble and get going. I can’t just sit and watch the world go by anymore.
-Jenni

My secrets out

2006-06-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

6/25/2006
My secrets out

I am going to die. And then I’m going to kill my dog.

On any normal weekend Cody is in need of a lot of attention, he’s an attention hog of a dog. So when I’m not giving him full attention he will find ways to force me to pay attention to him. His thing is going into my bedroom, grabbing the hair band I took out the night before, or a sock, or underwear and running to me wherever I am to make sure I notice. Fine, it’s his thing and I have never been able to break him of this, and secretly its kind of a fun game we play. He puts it on my lap or at my feet and when he sees that I have noticed he grabs it before I can get it, runs downstairs and waits for me to come after him. He likes making me chase him, its fine most times I’m able to get whatever it is away from him before he runs outside with it. On a couple of occasions I have found my undies in the yard…must have been a day when I didn’t feel like playing the chasing game. Today was one of the days I didn’t feel like playing the chasing game, and I’m paying for it in pure embarrassment.

Normally he only blackmails me into the chase with one of three items; socks, undies or hair bands. Today he chose something new…

how should I put this?

*Ahem* he chose my…
massager…

my battery operated boyfriend…my…

Alright Ill just say it- he got my vibrator!!!

I don’t know how he got it, honestly I don’t remember leaving it out, but I must have forgotten to put it away…anyway he got it and I had no idea.
I had been cleaning around the house and he dropped something at my feet that I just assumed was one of his rubber toys and I dismissed it because I was busy. He even barked at me a couple times and I never raised my eyes to see what he had for me!!!
Oh my god and there’s more…

He took it outside.

He took my vibrator into the yard!

A few minutes had passed since the barking incident and now he was outside barking at something. I stuck my head out the sliding glass door to see what it was, and noticed Cody at the edge of the fence, and a couple of kids with their mom walking on the sidewalk on the other side of the fence. I shooshed him because I thought he was barking at them. He wasn’t. And the kids stopped to look.

When Cody stopped barking to look back at me, I could hear something sort of humming, something sort of buzzing against the fence where he was. It sounded like a toy airplane that you wind up or something. I wondered if one of the kids on the other side of the fence had maybe dropped a toy or something and it rolled under into my yard so I walked over to it. It wasn’t a toy airplane, but it was a toy, my toy! It must have come on while he was tossing it around in the yard. The worst part about it, I could see those kids and that mother through the slats in my fence, and I saw the look on her face before she rushed them off down the sidewalk…away from the vibrator in my yard.

Oh god, I think they were walking home from church.

I’m so mortified!

I tried to get to it as fast as I could before she saw, honest! But it took me a minute to comprehend what it was that was buzzing against the fence in my yard!

Oh god, I’m going to hell.

-Jenni

A Carrie Quote

2006-06-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

A Carrie Quote

One of my favorite S&TC quotes by Princess Carrie Bradshaw:

What if prince Charming had never showed up? Would Snow White still be sleeping in that glass coffin forever? Or would she have eventually woken up, spit out the apple, gotten a job, a heath care package, and a baby from her local neighborhood sperm bank?
I couldn’t help but wonder; inside every confident, driven, single woman is there a delicate, fragile princess waiting to be saved?

Do women just want to be rescued?

Yes, it has been another wonderful day with my four favorite girls from Manhattan. I got through the last four episodes of season two and the first of season three. I love this show!! It never fails that I find something to cry over, something to laugh about, and about a million things in common with these girls. I take back my former shoppers remorse, this was definitely money well spent.

Speaking of Sarah Jessica Parker. I just noticed her new ad campaign for her perfume Lovely. Have you seen it? It’s Lovely! Lovely is one of my favorite words to use in conversation. You can be sarcastic with it, say it with a British accent, or just say it like it is meant- Lovely. Also the print campaign was based on one of Marilyn Monroe’s most famous photo shoots. Recognize it? Three of my favorite things all wrapped up into one lovely little pink package; Sarah Jessica Parker, Marilyn Monroe, and Lovely!

Getting Real

2006-06-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

6/22/2006
Getting Real

I’m done being nice. And I’m done with men.
I tried my hardest to just let him have his space...he is the one who says hello on IM for the last few days, I didn’t approach him. If you are going to talk then talk, don’t say hello and then give me the friggin silent treatment. It’s as if he had a gun to his head-and if he started a topic of conversation or said more than one word at a time that gun would go off. If you have things to say then say them, don’t wait for me to ask- I’m through pulling things out of him that he is really willing to tell me anyway. It like pulling teeth getting him to friggin talk to me- have a normal conversation. He has things to talk about- he just sits there and waits for me to ask about them, if I never said anything- he wouldn’t say anything at all. If all you have to talk about is relationship stuff, things you hate about me, or you just want to play the blame game – sorry bud, I’m done with that stuff and I’m moving on. If you have ammunition to throw at me- go somewhere else to throw your temper tantrum, I’m not going to take it. And if you actually decide to drop a bomb on me- mean it, don’t turn right around and apologize your ass off as if you are a martyr. Apologies are cop outs and if you never meant to say it why did it come out of your mouth in the first place...you meant it that’s why. If you aren’t ready for a friendship- don’t even try to pretend, don’t come on IM and just say hi and then wait there for me to come rescue you, its not going to happen. You can’t pretend to want it either, if you want it you would be where I am and really trying to stay upbeat in conversation, not dwell on the past, I’m moving on he is stuck in his own quick sand. But you are not, don’t pretend that you want to be friends, when you can’t let go of the relationship. The relationship will never happen, a friendship is possible but you can’t wallow in your sorrows and expect me to pull you out. I can’t be that girl who listens to you talk about your ex- girlfriend (me) and how she ruined you; I am not that person anymore and its silly to view me in that light. And stop pointing fingers at me, it took both of us to break up, this was your decision too. What, were you trying to scare me into working things out? Stop telling me that I didn’t lose anything from this; I lost just as much as you did, the difference is that I am choosing to get up off my pitiful ass and get on with my life. Don’t expect me to understand your feelings, they are YOURS to understand, I have my own feelings and I understand them, that’s all that matters. And for fucks sake GROW UP. I’m done with him bringing me down just because he is in a bad mood. Don’t steal my sunshine if I’m having a good day. And don’t take out your frustrations on me if you feel like shit and I’m trying to cheer you up. I’m done with always being the person who listens to his problems when I’ve got problems of my own, but he doesn’t care about them since he’s so focused on his own woe is me story. Its tit for tat buddy and I’m taking my tits elsewhere. I’m done with talking about what went wrong, why it went wrong, and whose fault it was. What is the point? Its over! Deal with it!

I am so ready to just live for today, not for what could be in the future, not for what was in my past, and definitely not for what could have been. I’m living for what is, and that is today- reality.

When he is over the relationship and reverts back to the Lummox I used to know; He knows where I am. He needs to stop stalking me, stop IMing me, stop snooping on all the myspace messages Ive left other people, and stop reading my blog.
Yes I am a bitch. A very fed up, tired, emotionally exhausted, done with men forever- bitch with a capital B I T C H. I don’t need a man to complete me. Now I know why some women go lesbian.

-Jen

The Waiting Game

2006-06-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

6/19/2006
The Waiting Game

We all love Drama...

I don’t know what to do about Lummox. He has completely stopped talking to me. I guess this is the space I should be giving him, but I suppose I’m just not used to it. Not responding on IM when I say hello, not responding to emails that I send, not responding to text messages the I send...I’m not going to call him because I figure when he’s ready, he will call me or whatever. It just isn’t normal for him to just blatantly ignore me though. I guess Ill just back off completely until he calls.

What if he never calls?

How long should I give him? I suppose the answer to that would be- as long as he needs. Ok, I just answered that for myself. Sometimes I guess I talk myself out of my own worries, but it isn’t until I work it all out in my head that it really goes away. I guess I should hope for the worse, and if something happens, it was meant to be that way. I guess I just never expected Lummox to stop talking to me altogether. Last time I talked to him was on IM last Thursday, and it ended with him saying something that was just out of the blue hurtful. He apologized for it after I hung up on him, but I haven’t heard from him since.

He also erased all his blog entries...he did that around the same time he was interrogating my blog and myspace pages. I’m not sure what is up with that, but I guess I expected to see some new writing from him. Guess he’s not willing to show his real feelings to the whole world like I do, (even if I don’t personally know who is reading). Blogging has never really been his thing I guess. In some ways I think he only had a blog because I did, and only had a myspace page because I did. He never really worked on either of those things, they were just there. He’s always been a writer, he used to write even more than I do now, but he doesn’t write anymore. The only writing I have seen from him are fictional stories with characters resembling people in his life. I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want to face reality. Oh well. I guess Ill never know.

On another note I finally watched The Valley of the Dolls this weekend. *sigh* I wish I had been a thirty something girl in the 60’s. Sharon Tate is fantastically glam, and Patty Duke is soooo over the top dramatic, I think that’s what makes it funny. I don’t know what my obsession is with this decade but looking back, it has always been a theme in my life. When I was young I listened to my parents Beatles albums on my record player instead of the radio most days. I was so in love with Paul McCartney when I was in third grade! But not the Paul McCartney of the 80’s, the Paul McCartney on the front of the record sleeves and in the black and white pictures I used to see in magazines. I remember gushing over him to one of my friends from school, and she goes “who is Paul McCartney?” When I went to college I started wearing my eyeliner a bit darker and thicker, I think they call it Doe Eyes, like the girls used to wear in the 60’s. I still wear my eyeliner like that, only now I add false eyelashes when I dress up. I’ve always been in love with old movies, and the stars that act in those movies; Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe are my all time favorites. I’ve always loved the music of the Rat Pack as well. Most nights, when I want to relax Ill pop in my Tony Bennet or Sinatra CD’s. I just love that era! I’d love to decorate my house in gold, white and light blue- retro furniture and lighting, but I know it would seem odd to anyone who came over. And secretly I have adopted some of the mannerisms of the girls in the movies, isn’t it just creamy, and what’s the big idea? I know...I’m weird. I just wish I was dainty and refined and glamorous like my grandmothers were.

-Jenni

In Limbo

2006-06-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

6/14/2006
In Limbo

Why do I feel like I was the one who ended this relationship? It was a very mutual thing. Why do I feel guilty like I was the one who broke this off? I’m not the only one who decided to end it. In fact he was the one who repeatedly said things like “I’m sorry I’m not going to live like this.” I think he expected me to change so that the relationship would continue on his terms. I honestly thing he was surprised that I agreed with him, that I too could not live like this. Did he expect for me to just lie down, do what he asked, forget everything I wanted from the relationship and things would be peachy?

How come I feel like I am the only one asking for forgiveness here? Am I asking too much? All I want is for him to see the possibility of us remaining friends. I’m not asking for it to happen immediately, I am aware that he is hurt because I am hurt too. I’m not asking for him to change, all I’m asking is for him to decide one way or another. But it seems all I’m getting from him are a list of things he doesn’t like about me. That’s not an answer.

I don’t feel like he is doing anything more in this situation than obsessing over what was said and done in the past. By saying past- I mean our relationship up until last weekend. Maybe he just isn’t ready to move on. Maybe he just wants to sit and wallow in his hurt. I guess I should just let him. It’s not helping either one of us to just talk again and again about the same issues.

I don’t agree with his side, just as he doesn’t agree with my side of the breakup and what led me to the point of backing away from him. He just continuously asks me to see things from his side. If I saw things from his side, I wouldn’t be here right now. It’s a ridiculous thing we do in relationships; thinking that the other person will think the same as you. It doesn’t work that way. If you want a mirror image of yourself, you are just asking for trouble. We are two different people, with two completely different points of view. If you can’t agree to disagree on some issues, you will just drag each other under. Right now I feel so dragged down, I’m not sure which way is up.

All I want is to move past all the things that didn’t work, and work on what we have left. I’m tired of talking about the same issues that got us here, were just running in circles. Again, I want to let things go; while he is still examining the same old issues. Let it go so we can move forward with what we can salvage. Hopefully this can return to a friendship, I can let it but can he?

Am I asking him for too much too soon? Am I being irrational here?

-Jenni

Venting

2006-06-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

6/13/2006
Venting

Vent (v ent) n.
A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet.
To express one's thoughts or feelings, especially forcefully

Disclaimer:
There are two sides to every story. This is my point of view. I wrote this while very “in the moment” so it may come off sounding angry. I am sure I will feel better ten minutes from now, tomorrow and next week I may feel differently. This does not define who I am, just what I felt in the moment- Venting.

Well, I think it’s over. I think the friendship died between Lummox and me. RIP. There is this weird dynamic between us now-either he doesn’t listen to a word I say- or misinterprets what I say and he is way over my head most times now. If I tell him I’m confused he goes off on a rant Oh yes of course it’s me that is always confusing. The part that I can’t deal with is when he talks to me as if I’m some other person- gives me major guilt trips, raises his voice at me, and is completely sarcastic about things. I have never seen this side of him before and frankly it scares me. He has become so cynical- I don’t like talking to him when he is like that. That is the side of him that made me start to back away in the first place. Now it seems as if that is how he is going to be whenever we talk, and I guess I can’t handle that. I know I need to give him some time, and at first I thought he didn’t want me to give him space. But I am going to give it to him even if he doest want it.

Why do we think that after entering into a relationship that gives us a free pass to say things to hurt the other? I try really hard to be a genuine person, but I am not going to say something underhandedly to hurt anyone. I try to keep those things to myself, but still in ways I don’t understand- Lummox is continuously hurt by the things I say. He is so fragile it’s like walking on egg shells lately when talking to him. I can’t ask a simple question; even just asking him to clarify his thoughts for me because I was confused sets him off on an angry outburst. He presumes that I don’t have a clue. No- he doesn’t presume- he claims to know that I don’t have a clue what HE has lost in this situation. Oh Pardon me...I have lost just as much as he has lost in this situation; it’s not all about him- I was half of this situation and it works both ways.

I am choosing to try to get over it, and get on with my life. My last relationship brought me to my knees. I changed myself so much over the 7 years I was with the Dreamer that when I finally got out of it- I didn’t know who I was anymore. There is no way I am going through that again. I have spent almost two years building myself back up from ruin, I will not go back to the weak minded person I once was. I will not do that for anyone, not even my best friend. If you don’t like me for who I am, the way I am, move along because I can not be changed. And I sure as hell won’t change for any man ever again. Why can’t Lummox see why I backed away from him when he was showing those same traits I hated about the Dreamer?

If I really sit back and remember back to his last relationship, I can pick out clues I saw back a few years ago. I should have seen those as red flags and just left our friendship as it was. I shouldn’t have touched it. I remember thinking back then- when he would fight with his girlfriend at that time- he would become obsessed with thinking about it, working over it in his head, over thinking most times, and running it into the ground, and having really angry phone and IM conversations with her- and then come running to me to tell me about all the things he wishes were different about her. Um hello- red flag. I don’t know how anyone could live with that for the rest of their life. I guess I never saw it until now

I told him I would give him some space yesterday after yet another argument. And today he was right back in my face- So much for that idea. I don’t think he will ever be the same again. It’s my fault, I know. I guess I didn’t invest as much as he did into the relationship and we are now in different places with different levels of emotions. I don’t know why I’m like that, I am not saying it is a bad thing, but I got over this a lot faster than he will. It was gradual, and started the minute we first argued in February, but I think I’m past the emotions he wants to see from me.

I guess now its up to him, he already knows I’m ready to move on from this. I just don’t think he is strong enough; understandably. I am not heartless, I am not perfect, and I deal with things differently. I have issues, but I think I have them under control. The most important thing to me right now is that I remain strong. I will not let this destroy me. I will move on from this, with or without him.

ru•in (roo-in) n.
An irrecoverable state of devastation and destruction

-Jenni

summer sunshine

2006-06-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

I tried to keep myself busy all weekend, so as not to think to much about my breakup with Lummox. I replanted some plants I got in November that have grown incredibly since then. Who would have thunk it? I can actually keep plants alive! Now, tomato plants are another story. I think they are just about dead. I transplanted the ones that werent that bad off, but they are still very puney. I watched two Jennifer Aniston movies because she is my breakup idol. I made the mistake of watching Pride and Predjudice, it just made me sadder. But I did get a good painting out of it. One of the scenes inspired me to do a watercolor. Its very dark and dismal but I love the dramatic scope of it. When it dries Ill put a pic of it up.

Lummox hasnt spoken to me since Friday, and even then it was like pulling teeth. He tells me he just isnt ready for "happy talk" and that he is pissed off when he thinks about our seperate futures. I wonder if this friendship will survive. Like I mentioned before, I am a serial friendship ruiner, and I just have a feeling in my gut that Lummox wont get past this anger.

I think I kept my heart more protected than he did in this situation. I dont know if I will ever be able to fully leave my heart open to anyone again, for fear of the unknown, for fear that I may be hurt again like I was hurt from my last breakup two years ago. I am a lot more guarded than I used to be. In this case, it saved me from being destroyed. The old Jenni would have been in bed all weekend contemplating how horrible life is. I haven't even really cried yet. Does that make me a horrible person, or does it just make me hardened? In either case, I dont think Lummox expected this from me. I guess I've just made access to my heart a lot more difficult. I know I have changed, but it is only to protect myself from being hurt again.

Well, Cody is bugging me for a walk so Id better pay him some attention before he eats more of my laundry. It really doesnt feel like its 99 degrees outside, especially with this cd playing! Off to the park~
jenni

Comfortably Numb

2006-06-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

6/9/2006
Comfortably Numb

Maybe I’m just not relationship material anymore. Maybe I have gotten so used to taking care of myself that I don’t need anyone to take care of me anymore. Maybe I have toughened over the last few years for my own protection. Maybe my instincts tell me to run when I’m put into a situation of pressure. Maybe my intuition tells me to back away when I feel uncomfortable. Maybe now that I’m older I have learned to rely on myself, and no one else. Are these such awful things that they make me a horrible person?

Yes, we broke up again. He told me that I am too protected and have become distant lately. That isn’t what he wants, understandably. Well I have become distant lately because he has changed too, it wasn’t just me. He has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. He is a lot needier than I can handle. I mean, I don’t know many people that deal well under pressure. I for one am not a person that does well when pressed for answers, or when my actions are under the microscope all the time. Yeah- when I am put into the spotlight my instinct tells me to freeze, like a deer in the headlights. If there is a possibility that I could do or say the wrong thing, I just clam up. It’s engrained in me. I can’t help it. It’s just who I am.

I have a big thing with feeling safe. If I don’t feel safe, I run home. It has been a constant theme in my life when it comes to relationships. For once I have created a safety all on my own. I have built my own little empire that I can finally feel completely protected in. I guess I am not ready to give up my personal security for the unknown, and that makes him angry. I don’t know why that is so wrong? I have to protect myself.

There are things I know that I just can’t fix. I mean there are a lot of things that I never knew about him that I’m not sure that I could live with for the rest of my life. I’m sure there are a lot of things he doesn’t like about me either. Don’t get me wrong- I have major issues myself and I would never point fingers at him, but there are some issues here that overshadow a lot for both of us. Most of it is that I am continuously hurting him in one way or another. I have 5 years of hurting him, constantly hanging over my head haunting me every day. I guess I can add this one to the collection.

Good relationships are easy, they just happen, they naturally just work. Our friendship worked effortlessly, but the dynamic between us changed tremendously when we took it further. I’m definitely not saying that relationships aren’t hard work, but this...This one takes too much energy. It’s too much for me emotionally. I feel drained of everything lately. I literally am just exhausted of working on “things”- things that I don’t have the capability of fixing or making better, because I don’t believe they should have been issues in the first place. He expects me to be able to fix it. I just can’t live up to the expectations that have been set, nor can I live with the constant picking apart of my words and actions. I can’t do or say what he wants me to, and I am not who he expects me to be. So I shut down, and that makes him angrier. What a disappointment I am. I can’t fix it. There is no fix.

Lummox is a great guy, I thought maybe I could take our friendship and make it work romantically, but it just doesn’t work. The dynamic just isn’t there like I thought it would be, and once again I have hurt him. I am not sure how any of this will turn out, not even sure if he will want to remain friends, the last time this happened he said he couldn’t handle being friends, so we will see what he decides. I wouldn’t blame him if he just never wanted to talk to me again. I shouldn’t have started this relationship; I should have left it at “just friends”. I probably ruined both a good friendship and a good relationship. I have been guilty of doing this before; I am a serial friendship ruiner.

What I need, is some time away from all of this. I am completely drained of any personality that I used to have to be able to deal with something like this. I am numbed.

I predicted this when I was six years old. I remember back then, boys had cooties and I just couldn’t understand how anyone could marry them and have kids with them. Boys were stupid when I was little. I had my whole life planned out back then. I would be an artist, live in an apartment and save money in a coffee can until I had saved enough to have a baby, no man in the picture. Back then, I wasn’t sure where babies came from but I knew they cost a lot of money. Gosh, it sounds so simple doesn’t it? The thought has somehow lingered in the back of my mind for 26 years. Maybe it really was a prediction for how my life would turn out?

Want to know the sad part? I think I am okay with it...for now at least.

-Jenni

Hello Kitty

2006-06-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

6/5/2006
Hello Kitty

I accidentally found her.
It has almost been two years since I found out the Dreamer had been cheating on me with a younger girl in another state. He had another life, one that he created secretly and separately from the life he had with me. I was just as much a secret to her as she was from me in his little world; until I hacked into his email account and read about their mystery life.

He told her I had left him long before I had even thought about leaving. He told me he was going out of state for work. He would leave for a couple weeks at a time, sometimes; and it wasn’t until after I finally left him that I discovered he had really been going to see her instead of working. I was even paying for the rent he couldn’t pay because he had taken so much time off to go see her. It was sickening when I found out.

In an email between them, I read the lies he was telling her about me. He told her I had moved out months before; when she questioned why my personal belongings were still in the house we lived in together. She had been in my house, probably in my bed with my boyfriend at the time; probably used some of my things and all the while I never knew she existed. Revolting.

What makes me more nauseated was that he would go on these “work” trips to go see her, spend time with her, and then come home to me and tell me that he loved me- and I believed him. I believed that he was going on work trips because his friends backed him up. These are the same friends that I trusted as my own friends; one of them was also our roommate (Ill call him Musty) and a guy who I thought was one of my best friends. Turns out nothing was what I believed.

Today, on my myspace page I was reading through the newest bulletins posted and noticed one from Musty which was unusual because he does not use myspace regularly. He also had changed his normal picture so I decided to pay his myspace page a visit. Now, lets back up a bit- Last year, I was obsessed with finding out everything I could about the girl that the Dreamer had cheated on me with. I only found out a few things before I lost interest; until today. After only a couple of clicks on myspace friends, there she was.

Caitlin. 22 years old.

The rush of anger and betrayal came back to me all in that one glance. My heart began to race and seemed as if it had moved up my chest and into my throat, I could hardly swallow. “..my friends know me as Kitty...” I read in her about me section and I couldn’t move. I sat there staring at her myspace page listening to the blood rush in my veins, and I didn’t know what to do. I finally found her, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. Am I so cowardly? Or am I just over it?

If this was last year, I would have sent her a little email already and would be anxiously awaiting a reply. I don’t know where it would have gotten me, and it probably would just create a sort of drama that I don’t want in my life anymore, but possibly it would have gotten me some sort of closure. Today, just knowing where I can find her, is closure enough on the situation. I’m over it.

Maybe the fun was all in the chase, and now that I found her it’s not so much fun. Maybe I am just over the drama? Maybe I am scared to bring up all those old feelings again? Who knows? (She doesn’t have a picture of herself up yet, I’m really interested in what she looks like.) I don't know wheather to feel sorry for her or hate her.

I do know that I am finally past all that. I decided long ago to put all that stuff behind me; I just wish it wouldn’t bring back all those feelings of anger and frustration all over again. I need to learn how to get past those feelings of bitterness before I can finally be free of it.

I will tell you; for me, writing about it gives me some contentment and release.

-Jenni

fasting day two

2006-06-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

6/4/2006
Fasting- Day two

Firstly I'd like to say- Correctol is the Devil.

The back of the box will tell you that "relief" will occur in 6-8 hours. They lie.

Yesterday morning, bright and early I got up to let Cody out and decided I should take one before I went back to bed. 45 minutes later I was studying the inside of my bathroom from a not-so glamorous vantage point. Those pills work yes; and without going into too much description, I thought I might actually die at one point. Dead on the toilet at 32. What a grand exit. (Suddenly I felt sorry for Elvis) Luckily the discomfort went away about three hours later.

I found myself doing nothing yesterday, mainly because I had absolutely no energy but mostly because I was starving! I drank so much water yesterday you could have heard the ocean if you put your ear up to me. I passed on the coffee for fear that it would put me back into the bathroom, so I had no source of caffeine to boost my energy. I made it through the day by watching PBS cooking shows and memorizing the recipes, I was too lazy to write them down. I took two naps, and by early evening I was having strange fluctuations in body temperature, I could not get warm enough. I stayed in bed for most of the day only venturing out of my bedroom to give Cody a bath and a brushing, and to retrieve my water.

By around 9PM I broke. I am not strong enough to will away the hunger pangs. I had an orange, and it was the best orange I have ever eaten. At one point I dipped my finger in some salt and had that too, and it was delicious. I think maybe next time Ill get a bottle of Gatorade for salty sweet emergencies. After the attack of the orange I just went to sleep. By 12AM it seemed as though my hearing had become heightened and I could hear every car that drove by, and every click in my ceiling fan. By that point I felt a little irritable, and had a fight with my earplugs for a while that almost turned to tears. After Cody huffed and puffed at me, I settled down finally and went to sleep.

Surprisingly I didn’t wake up at all last night. On any normal night of sleep I wake at least two times; always at 3AM and once or twice again before my alarm goes off. I woke this morning at the time my alarm would be going off for work, and decided since I could, that I would go back to sleep. I feel great this morning. It feels nice to be empty, and I am actually not hungry! I have a lot more energy than I did yesterday, and I think I will make a pot of coffee.

Mom called earlier. She wants me to come to a movie with her and then to an early dinner with my gramps. I couldn’t say no, so I guess the fasting will end short of 48 hours. Next time I think I will skip the Correctol, add some Gatorade, and make sure there are enough food programs on TV to last me an entire day. Maybe Ill try again next weekend.

Hmmm, I wonder where we are going to eat tonight...mmmmm...food.

-Jenni

fasting day one

2006-06-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

6/2/2006
Cleaning House

I am going to try and do a cleansing fast this weekend.
Sounds fun right? Wishful thinking!

My plan is to start out by taking laxatives to empty myself completely, and then just take in different versions of distilled water. Hot, cold, ice, lemon...I may add coffee in there just for energy because I am sure I will need it. I have heard the effects of coffee on the liver are good for releasing toxins trapped there.

And no- I will NOT be doing the coffee enema, no matter how many people have told me how wonderful it is. I’m sorry but I’m not sticking anything up my bum, especially not coffee! As far as I’m concerned, my rear end is for exit only.

I will probably be taking notes as I go, on how I feel and the effects of what I’m doing. I have never gone on a fast before, on purpose, so this should be interesting. I rely too much on food! Eating has started to rule my life, and I really do not like that. I’ve come to think about my meals too often during the day, I don’t think that is healthy, but it is the one thing I can control.

I have read many good things about the effects of fasting, so I am really looking forward to the next couple of days and what they will bring me. I have rented a bunch of movies because I already know I will have no energy to do anything actively productive. Hopefully the coffee will help with at least cleaning my house like I usually do on weekends! Hmm, cleaning my house while cleaning my "house"...

So bear with me, you may see some pretty strange posts from me over the weekend as I progress with the fasting. I have heard fasting causes some enlightening experiences, and can relieve stress and depression. That is what I am looking forward to. If anyone has any advice or guidance, I welcome it!

-Jenni

They shoot single people don't they?

2006-05-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

5/31/2006
They shoot single people don't they?

I don’t blame them...whoever “they” are.

The two days after Lummox and I broke up seemed endless. And if you know me you know that if I have too much time to sit and think, you know I could probably be categorized as a crazy person. And actually I got out most of my misery in the first 24 hours of doing that stupid girl- waiting by the phone thing- driving myself crazy and creating my own drama in my head. By the end of the second day I had come to terms with my mortality. I would die single.

I sat down on Sunday morning and within three hours I had created my entire future existence. I went somewhere into a zone, in those three hours, and had my whole life planned out as a single girl, stuck in Texas forever. I thought, well, if I can’t make it work with Lummox it definitely won’t work with anyone else...I’m screwed. I began to plan out how I would have a child on my own, and how other women have done it in the past. Would I need to freeze my eggs soon? Where do you buy sperm? It all began to flash before my eyes. I was stuck in Texas forever, alone and pregnant. I figured it would get better when the baby was born, but how could I ever afford a baby? I would have to go back to school before anything else, and get a higher paying job. That could take years. Then I thought, I should probably move closer to my parents, wherever they end up because they would want to have a part in the baby’s life too. Gosh, my whole life changed so much just because I broke up with Lummox. Suddenly I became a single mother who would never marry? Where did my happy ending go?

To make it worse, Newsweek came out with their June 5, 2006 issue on MSN.

Inside, the article tells us that the new averages for a woman to marry are much more optimistic but they have the median set at age 25 for women to marry. So now, I’m dwelling over my odds of getting married at my age and after, and you take into account that I had my future husband right at my fingertips and I lost that at 32 years old? I was doomed.

Break up rule #1 don’t let yourself sit for too long, because the more time you have to think, the worse you will feel about your life. And so it was then that I decided shopping would be a great idea.

Half a paycheck and 48 hours later, Lummox and I had decided to get back together. Thank god. And suddenly my whole life flashed before my eyes, the good version of my life, the one that doesn’t include sperm donors, and I returned to normal...whatever normal is. I’m so glad too; the thought of being without a man for the rest of my life was starting to scare me. Not to mention being without Lummox. And that is not a life I would want to live.

-Jenni

Pretty in Pink

2006-05-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

5/29/2006
Pretty in Pink

Breakup Rule#3: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.

Yesterday, while mulling over the possibility that I could be alone forever, I decided there was only one thing to do. Go Shopping. Now if I were Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City, I would spend hundreds on a pair of Manolo-Blahnik shoes in some putridly lovely shade of pink. But instead I decided to go buy a little Sex and the City of my own. Actually I didn’t just get a little I got a lot. I bought the entire series of Sex and the City. It came in a putridly lovely shade of pink, and it fit me perfectly.

I got home as soon as I could, put on my fat pants and sat down to unwrap it. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Covered in crushed fuchsia velvet and satin, with its own beautiful hard plastic cover; it looks like a pretty little piece of hard candy- good enough to eat. Inside are all six seasons, that’s 20 discs in all, with episode guides and gorgeous pictures of my four favorite girls from Manhattan. Who better to spend a Sunday afternoon with when you are feeling down?

I finally got to watch the entire first season yesterday, while stuffing my face with junk food in my pajamas. It was so nice to be able to relate to the stories, and to know that I am not the only messed up freak of a girl running around unmarried in my thirties feeling sorry for myself. And let me tell you, it was the best money I have spent in a long time. Thanks Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha. You made my life seem a lot less upsetting. Compared to them, I’m pretty normal…in a sociopath with no life sort of way.
-Jenni

A clean slate

2006-05-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

A clean slate

Once again, I am starting over.
It seems to be a theme right now in my life, starting over. It is amazing how much can happen in the period of a week. My blog ended, my relationship came to an end, and it seemed like all stability in my life went out the window. But in the matter of a few hours this afternoon all that was restored.

Yes, Lummox and I broke up for a couple of days. It gave us a chance to gain perspective of what we really wanted from this relationship. Today, after a few hours of talking, we have decided to make it work. We called the discussion a board meeting. The meeting was to discuss the state of repair that was needed to save our relationship. I even took notes on points that needed work. We will work through it. I have faith in that.

I have decided to keep the blog open to anyone who wants to read, and comment...including Lummox. It was wrong of me to think that by keeping the journal private from him, that it would solve a lot of problems. Obviously it only caused more. So, the journal is open again...its just in a new place where not so many people have access anymore, namely relatives and friends. It's out of the "whats your story" spotlight too, and I think I like it better that way.

So bear with me, hope you don't think that I'm flighty and can't make up my mind...I'm just doing the best that I can with what I've got. It will all work out in the end.
-Jenni

Parting is such sweet sorrow

2006-05-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

May 21
Parting is such sweet sorrow

Dear Diary,
The inevitable day is upon me. I knew it was coming; the thought has been there for a long time. Its so hard to make someone understand why your journal is on the internet, not for the purpose of thousands of random web surfers to read, but for the sole purpose of journaling your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I can’t verbalize my emotions out loud. Most times if I sit down and get into the moment and with no other distractions, I am able to get those emotions out on paper. Most people who are close to me believe that by putting those emotions out for the rest of the world to see, that I am shutting them out in some way, because I didn’t share it with them first. To me it isn’t about sharing my journal with the world, most times when I write; the fact that thousands of people may be reading isn’t even a factor in my reasoning. To the people in my life however, that fact looms heavy.

I have been self-editing a lot lately, mainly since mid-November when MSN and What’s Your Story decided to include me in their weekly series. I was so excited about the fact that my little blog was being recognized, that I didn’t think through the consequences of inviting the people I know to read. While it is a great honor to be featured by MSN, it is a double-edged sword. You want to share your excitement with family and friends, but you also want to keep your privacy from them. In my case, I didn’t stop to think.

Feelings were hurt and misunderstandings have taken place since then, and that wasn’t my intention at all. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself, when it comes to relationships, family or otherwise. You have to be very careful what you say because those are the people you cant afford to lose. I thought if I stopped self-editing in my writing, that I would feel better. But that has caused too many wounded emotions, offended feelings, and misinterpretations for me to continue writing here.

Going private will solve a lot of problems, hopefully, and make life a lot easier on my end. Having to explain myself all the time was getting exhausting and it shouldn’t be that way. Journaling is supposed to be therapeutic, not stressful and cause anxiety. Gosh…sooo much drama.

And so dear diary, our time here has come to an end. It has been lovely, and I am going to leave you right here. I hope that anyone who picks you up and reads you will understand why I have decided to abandon you. I will check in from time to time, and I will add lists and fun things, but I cannot continue to write entries here, for the sake of my personal life.

To my loyal readers: Thank you for so much laughter, and so many great new friendships. You have offered me so much great advice, and support. More than anyone could ask for. I appreciate your loyalty and encouragement.
Ce la vie. I'm off to walk Cody into the sunset.

Love always,
Jenni

So far down

2006-05-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

May 19
So far down

mel•an•chol•y
n : a feeling of thoughtful sadness
Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom

Have you ever just felt like crawling under a rock somewhere, or hiding in a dark cave, just to get away from the world? One of those days that just seems like it will never end, from the second you opened your eyes in the morning; those days that you wish you had never gotten out of bed for. The day that you just want to be alone, not talk to anyone, and not have to answer to a soul; to just be emotionless.

Sometimes it feels like the world is against you. It seems like nothing and no one can make it feel better for you. Not even the most important people in your life can say anything that will make you feel like a normal person. It would be better to hide away from the outside world, than to pretend like you feel happy…no, wait… it isn’t unhappiness; its something deeper thats been drained from your soul and you can't put your finger on it.

It’s the sort of dark gloom that can drag you under if you aren’t careful. If you allow yourself to stay in bed it will take hold. The sound of your own heartbeat is a disappointing sound when you awake wishing you had stopped breathing in the middle of the night. You find yourself cursing at the sun, the brightness in your eyes, the heat on your skin hoping for the clouds to roll in. It’s a sort of heaviness in your being that you can’t contain without becoming exhausted the second you try to pretend its not there. It feels as if something larger than life has hit you at full speed and has flattened you out.

The pretending becomes begrudging and you begin to become angrier and angrier at everything that is keeping you from just letting the darkness take over. You do everything in your used-up being to try and find a place alone, away from everything and everyone, so that you can just be. A place where no one can hear you pray to god that you don’t have to go through another day like this one, for fear someone might pick up on your façade. Because god forbid you have a day like that when everyone else in the world is acting like a normal person.

This kind of gloom possesses you like an infuriated spirit weighing down on the essence of who you are. A day you hoped the sun would stay buried so that you wouldn’t have to face it. What is worse than forcing a smile on a day you wished you had never opened your eyes… I haven’t experienced anything more awful.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. me

Chasing Cars

2006-05-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

May 17
Chasing Cars

“Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive.
...Family, Love, Sex...
But we only need one thing to actually be alive,
We need a beating heart.
When our heart is threatened we respond in one of two ways.
We either run or we attack.
There is a specific term for this;
Fight or flight.
Its instinct, we can’t control it.
Or can we?”
-from Grey's Anatomy season 2 finale

Can you believe Denny died? I can’t believe Denny died! Poor Izzy, and after she let herself finally be happy and say yes to his proposal. I haven’t cried that much over a television show since Dr Green died on ER a few years ago. I am so neurotic about the show that I watched it, and taped it, and then watched it again last night to write down the narration. I thought the scene where they were all getting interrogated was pretty neat. Each one of them said something that perfectly summed up who they are, their personalities showing through. I specifically loved what George said:

“I can’t tell you what you want to hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just cause you cant say something doesn’t mean you don’t want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. You can love someone and not be with them. You don’t need to love someone to want them, but that’s frustrating. You know when your brain tells you what you want and what you actually want don’t match up, its exhausting and well, complicated. But that’s life. And life...sucks.”

I also can not believe that Meredith left Finn on the dance floor and had sex with McDreamy again! He is just going to do the same thing to her all over again, what is she thinking? Mark my words- those black lace panties she couldn’t find will make a return next season. Ill bet Addison finds them in McDreamy’s pocket and leaves him. I like Addison, she deserves better.

Sarah called me a couple times during the commercials to talk about what had happened on the show. Then for the rest of the show we text messaged eachother on our phones.

"I hope Denny doesnt die"

"omg"

"NOooo"

"OMG"

"Oh no!"

"O M G!!"

"I cant stop crying"

My predictions for next season (which is switching to Thursday nights mind you) Meredith is left with McDreamy or Finn, and I think she will walk away from them both. I think McDreamy will leave Addison or vice versa. I think Izzy and Alex get back together, has anyone else noticed how much he has changed? I think Christina will break down some of her walls and stop being so stoic with Burke. Bailey, well she will still be a bulldog, but we all love her.

One thing I can always count on when watching Grey’s Anatomy, is the awesome music. At the end of the season finale I heard Snow Patrol singing. I’m a huge fan of Snow Patrol and I don’t think they get enough credit. If you get a chance- go get one of their albums, you won’t be disappointed.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

To the Doggie Fairy

2006-05-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

May 16
To the Doggie Fairy

Thank you to whoever left the dog food.
This morning as I was leaving my house for work, I noticed something on my front porch. Now, I don't normally leave my house through my front door, I leave through my garage, so when notes and things are left on my porch it takes me a little while to notice. This morning there was an entire bag of dog food on my porch- unopened and new! Thank you dog food fairy.

Please dont take this as an insult, dog food fairy, but I don't think I will use the dog food you left for me. Lately in Austin there have been horrible people going around and poisoning dogs in the area. I watched in horror as a woman on the news last night cried her eyes out after losing her three dogs to anti- freeze poisoning. And the sacry part was, it happened right in her back yard. I am sorry dog food fairy but I just cant afford to trust that the food is safe to feed my dog. I love him too much to put him in danger like that.

It may have been just a nice gesture, and I my be completely wrong about the whole thing, but that is not a gamble I want to take with the animal I love most in this world. I hate to be this untrusting and cynical, but I have to be safe. There are terrible people in this world, and I have to protect myself and my dog. My dog is my baby, he is like a child to me, and if anything were to happen to him I just couldnt forgive myself. So thank you again, dog food fairy, but I'm going to pass this time.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni and cody

A very Mommy weekend

2006-05-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

May 15
A very Mommy weekend

Happy belated Mothers day!

Mom and I had a wonderful weekend, relaxing and just spending time together. She came to stay with Cody and me for the weekend. I got home from work on Friday and she was there playing with Cody in the back yard. She spoils him so he loves it when she visits. She brought me the most amazing sunflower from her yard! She spoils me too.

We didn’t do much of anything but relax, but there were some outings too. On Saturday we had to shop for a new TV. Seems that mom accidentally fried my TV when she was watering the plant that I had above it. I just laughed when she told me the story. She waited until I had a couple of drinks in me to tell me: sneaky- that one.

“I did a bad thing,” she told me.

“What did you do?”

“I think I broke your TV today”

“What?” I laughed

“Well I was watching Oprah today, and was a little bored so I decided to water your plants for you. The one on the TV was so dry the water just came pouring right out the bottom of the planter!”

I just laughed as I listened

“I started to hear a hissing noise and I panicked and unplugged it as fast as I could, it was awful, its not funny Jenni”

“Its okay mom, its only a TV” trying to comfort her, I could tell she was upset, but I couldn’t help but laugh

“It was just like an I love Lucy episode, I swear I can’t touch anything without messing it up”

“Its fine mom…”

“We will get you a new one, you needed it anyway”

And so I have a new 20 inch Sony TV. It was another adventure trying to get that thing into the car. First of all the box was heavy and no one offered to help us to our car. Oh well, we can do it ourselves right? We wheeled it out to the parking lot in a shopping cart and both of us lifted it into the trunk, well not into, it was more on to the trunk, it didn’t fit. So I made mom back the car out so I could try and get it into the back seat. There we are in the middle of the parking lot, with the doors wide open and a shopping cart rolling down the road trying to shove this huge box into the door- and it didn’t fit. Great! All the while I can see these three guys on break in the foyer of the store, not one of them offered to help. Mom moved the car off to another location after we wrangled up the shopping cart again and got the box back in it, I wheeled over to the car in a more secluded location. We decided to take it out of the box, and put it into the back seat. It fit! You should have seen us, doing a little dance in the parking lot “We don’t need men!” I yelled, sweaty and out of breath. That thing is heavy!

Saturday night we went out to my favorite Mexican food place and had margaritas. It was nice just to sit and chat over dinner. Then Sunday we slept in and I wrapped up a painting I did for her. I painted a picture of our cat, BC, who passed away not too long ago. Mom was still sleeping so I left it at the foot of the bed for her. When she woke up she came in with it, and had tears in her eyes, I’m glad she liked it. Mom is a weirdo and always gives Sarah and I mother’s day gifts too. Her card made me cry:

“I’ve cherished these shared times with you lately! Haven’t had too many of them over past years and can’t ever get enough.

I know you wanted me to write something about being a mom for mother’s day. It has been a most wonderful journey, one I would not alter or change in any way, shape or form. Perhaps if I had the power Id remove the pain emotionally you’ve endured in the past few years, but probably not the occurrences and relationships you had because you grew so much through it all. And pain is after all a part of life, but so very hard for a mother to see a child endure, ever.

Most of all thank you and Sarah for making me a mom! You two are the best part of me, the best I’ve ever done and that of which I am most proud in my life. And I have to say “I done good!” cause look at what gorgeous, smart, strong, talented, generous, loving women you are now! I am so grateful you are my daughters. I thank you for making me the mom I am. You gave me my identity in this life. I created you, (well dad and I) and in a way you created me too. You are gods greatest gift in my life, besides your fathers love. Thank you for making me a mom, for giving me so much love and for allowing me to love you with an all consuming power and intensity that I pray someday for you to know too, as a mom. I felt this love the first moment I felt you move inside of me, the first moment I laid eyes on you, my little rosebud. That love will never change. Thank you.

Always,
Mom”

Return of the Mack

2006-05-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

May 10
Return of the Mack

The white Mazda was back this morning.
I know I am probably being paranoid and ridiculous right now, but Im a tad worried. Remember in February when I called the police on that crazy man in my yard? (see Feb 10, 2006) Since that night he was arrested, I haven’t seen him or his car and I was not complaining.

Last night after I got of the phone with Lummox, I heard yelling and cabinets slamming in the other half of the duplex I live in. That is unusual because the women that live there with their sons, are very quiet people. I sat and listened for a while to make sure everything was alright, and it did settle down after a few more minutes. The unusual part was hearing a man’s voice coming from the walls next door. I let it go when it got quiet and went to sleep. This morning after looking out my window, I knew who the voice belonged to. The infamous white Mazda was back, parked in the same location it was the night I called the cops.

I remember his eyes vividly from that night, staring back at me in the dark and rain. It is haunting. When I left for work this morning I never expected to see those eyes, but there they were, attached to the man himself. I sat in my car for a minute while he crossed directly in front of me on route to his car, but he never once looked at me. I got out to close my garage door and he crossed once again, not acknowledging my presence. If he had looked at me I would have nodded at least, or said hey, but he didn’t.

After that night in February I was worried about how my neighbors would feel about me, since the man somehow belonged to one of the women who lives there. But they never treated me any differently, and I have had nothing but kindness from them since the day I moved in. My worries about them have since disappeared.

Now that he is back though, if he remembers our meeting in the rain, is he harboring any bad feelings towards me? He was so out of his mind that night though, it is possible he won’t even remember, but I am still anxious. If he had looked up at me this morning, I may have different feelings; since he didn’t I’m a little nervous.
He left this morning at the same time I did, let’s just hope that Mazda is not parked there when I get home.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Damage Control

2006-05-08T19:58:00.000-07:00

May 08
Damage Control

“We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there; Doing damage to ourselves and to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we’ve done, or that’s been done to us.

Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
Were all damaged it seems, some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us, and as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.”

-Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy episode 24 “Damage Case”

When people question my love for Lummox I guess I get a little, well, maybe the word is overly, defensive. What most of you don’t know is that he was the only person on this planet who actually knows what I have been through, and why I am damaged the way that I am. He was right there with me, holding my hand through it all while it was all happening. And for someone to love me even after seeing all that, and knowing right where my scars are- knowing I am scary and damaged- is still so amazing to me. I would never question a love like that. I love him infinitely more than words could describe.

I am sure from the outside looking in; it may appear that I am holding onto the past when I write about my ex etc. But you don’t see my journal like I do. You only have a tiny glimpse into my life. I use writing as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, I get it out, and then I don’t look back on it. Most of the things you see in here are not what makes up my life, they are thoughts rolling around in my head for a few minutes a day. 99% of my life is not written about, it is the part I am living. So when you see that I am writing about my ex, or my past it isn’t because it has consumed me, it is because this place is my outlet for a lot of the thoughts I don’t know what to do with. It is really easy for people outside the situation to say that I am still holding onto my ex. They are all wrong.

I have been really proud of myself for the last year and a half since I left the Dreamer, because I have gotten on with my life finally. He doesn’t occupy my thoughts all day and night like he used to last year. I have let go of all that, but I still have issues that I am trying to fix. I am far from perfect.

What do I have left after letting go of him? Anger. Lots and lots of anger that I do not know what to do with. I wouldn’t say that I am holding onto this anger, I am trying to let it go but I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I never got any answers from him. I never found out why he lied to me for all that time. Never found out why he chose her over me. Never found out why he won’t admit anything to this day. I am trying to get hold of the fact that I will probably never get any answers, and that just fuels the anger. My damages are almost completely healed and instead of consuming my life with it, it takes up a very insignificant portion of my life now. And I am proud of myself for that.

I am trying to fix what’s left to fix. It is far from being more than I can handle, that doesn’t make up who I am now. The rest of the 99% of my life is filled with normal things, and most of it is filled with a man who understands me and loves me like no one ever could, despite my imperfections. Lummox is my life, no questions asked.

The purpose of this entry you ask? It is more of a disclaimer for outsiders, than it is for me. I already know what my life is all about and it’s not found in the pages of this journal, it’s what’s in my heart. This is me standing up for my emotions.

Never question someone’s love for another; you don’t know the whole story.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Grocery Store Etiquette

2006-05-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

May 05
Grocery Store Etiquette

Note to self:
Never shop for groceries when there is pms involved
There should be a contract that all people of the earth should have to sign before grocery shopping. Grocery store etiquette has gotten way out of control lately people! Todays grocery shopping experience was enough to make me want to hire a personal shopper so I don’t have to deal with the madness. Here are a few things on my personal grocery store etiquette list:

-Just because you drive a Hummer, doesn’t mean your shopping cart is bigger and better than mine. I have shopping to do also, and I drive my shopping cart nicely. Drive friendly people! Its only groceries not a race to the finish!

-If you decide you need to ponder which macaroni is really the cheesiest, make sure your cart is not parked in the CENTER of the isle. No one can get around you either way, and we don’t feel like watching you slowly sprout roots where you are standing. Park to one side or the other, preferably on the same side that your roots have sprouted so other people can pass you without having to bump into your cart or your bootie.

-When shopping in the produce department and have a sudden allergy attack, please at least cover your mouth, or a great idea- flee the area. I do not feel like watching your saliva and snot fly through the air and onto the grapes I wanted to buy before you contaminated them. And please use the hand you didn’t just cover with germs to squeeze the tomatoes, Id like to go home without your DNA if at all possible.

-If you bring your children, please pay attention to them. I don’t feel like chasing your four year old because he is threatening to eat the raw meat he snagged from my cart. I am not Captain Salmonella, but that can’t be healthy. If you decide to drive them around in the giant green car shaped cart, please be aware that people have ankles, and they do not enjoy having them run over. Once again, just because your cart is bigger and greener and shaped like a race car or a truck, doesn’t mean it is better than mine. See rule #1.

-If I am walking in the isles and you are following behind me, make sure you have ample room in case I decide to actually stop my cart and grab something. I do not enjoy being rear ended. Please pass to the left if you feel I am walking too slowly. Do not tailgate, it’s just not nice, and it makes me feel rushed.

-If I have ten items or less I use the checkout that is labeled quite clearly “10 items of less”. If you have 45 items, you need to go to a different checkout. I will be happy to help you count, but if I’m in that lane, I only count to ten sorry.

-Tapping me in the butt with your cart will not speed up the checkout line. Plainly there are other people in front of us, and it is not your turn yet. Be patient, or things could start to get ugly. Your warning will be a dirty look, after that I can’t promise there won’t be condiments thrown at you.

-If I am loading my items onto the conveyer belt, please wait until I have emptied my cart before loading your items in behind mine. I will signal you when I am finished by politely placing a plastic divider on the conveyer after my last item. If I have not placed the plastic divider yet, and I am still bending to grab items from my cart- that means I am NOT DONE YET. Please wait for me to empty my cart.

-If you are in front of me at checkout, and are about to sign your check, you are not allowed to go grab “just one more thing” before you pay. I don’t feel like waiting for you to find the panty liners you forgot. That is not my fault and I shouldn’t be punished for it. If you forgot something- too bad, go back to start, do not pass go-do not collect $200.

-And finally, just because you are a soccer mom and drive a Hummer does not mean that driving through the parking lot against the arrows is permissible. I don’t care how many kids you have and how many stickers you have for their teams on the back window of your SUV, the arrows are there for a reason.
It’s all about patience and politeness people! What happened to being polite and following the rules?
Dammit I forgot to buy Midol.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Suspicious Minds

2006-05-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

May 04
Suspicious Minds

I still think he lies to me...

What is it about us women that we just can’t accept that our ex’s are doing well in life? What is the desire inside of us to want to see them to fail? I have become very cynical lately when it comes to my ex, The Dreamer. For some reason, no matter where he is in his life, I become skeptical at the details. I find myself hoping to catch him in a huge lie so I can call him on it. Don’t get me wrong, I wish him the best...kind of...but secretly I just want him to be a loser so I can feel better about my life and rub it in his face. I know that is evil, but that’s just the way it has evolved to be.

I was doing my quarterly check up on some friends, and decided to send him an email; you know, to make sure he wasn’t dead. Just a simple hey what’s new email, nothing more than one sentence to keep it safe. (and yes, I am fully aware that my need to make sure he isn't dead all the time is an irrational urge that I need to get hold of, just bear with me here) Normally he ignores me for a couple weeks, but this time he wrote back within a normal period of time for internet correspondence. The last time I heard from him was a couple months ago when he sent out a mass email about the restaurant he works for in NYC.

First of all, when I heard he was working for that restaurant I didn’t believe him right off the bat. He was way too inexperienced for the position he was claiming to have, and of course here I am-still cynical about that. At the time, I did a ton of research on the restaurant. Yes, basically I stalked him. I don’t know why I do these things, so don’t ask. I know I am effed up in the head sometimes, but that is another Oprah. Needless to say, I didn’t find anything to call him on...dammit.
So today, before I even opened his email, I was already getting myself all worked up over what lies he would tell me today. Why am I like this? Shouldn’t I be thinking, oh that is great, good for him? Instead I am building up all this drama in my head that he is telling these huge elaborate lies to make his life appear to look better than it really is, and dammit I am going to be the person who uncovers it all and tells the world! Bwahahahaaaaaaaa!!!

Sadly, I think he may be telling the truth. However he claims that he is in line for a promotion...I’ve heard that one before and with The Dreamer that just translates into I am better than this position. He also claims to be the subject of a couple of articles in a wine magazine called Tasted. And yes, I have already stalked him today, once again to see if the magazine even exists. It does. I am sure he will send out another look what I can do email to the masses when the article comes out in July. Will I buy the issue when it comes out? *sigh* probably.
Drat! Foiled again!

Clean reading

2006-05-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

May 02
Clean reading

This happened to me in the grocery store yesterday:
Me- standing in book isle reading the back of a Dean Koontz novel as an older woman in her 80’s walks up behind me.
Her: “Ohhh that is such a great book! You should definitely read it.”
Me: “really? That is great, I love Dean Koontz”
Her: “she is such a great writer you know, I’ve read nearly all her novels.”
Me: thinking to myself, hmmm isn’t Dean Koontz a he and not a she?
Her: rambling on and on about the book she thinks I’m holding
Me: “wow that sounds like an interesting book”
Her: “...and then the grandmother and her granddaughter join the same knitting circle and share their yarn and it is just so heartwarming...”
Me: turning over the murder and suspense thriller in my hand to make sure I’m not crazy
Her: “...and then the grandmother dies at the end and the granddaughter is so wrecked that she never revealed her true feelings...”
Me: discovering she is not talking about the book in my hand, but the book next to it on display
as the woman walks away I say “well thank you, Ill definitely take a look at it” even though she just ruined the end.
Her: walking away from me “...that is if you like clean stories”
Me: astonished. Did she really just say that to me?
I sat there laughing to myself because I started to think, what does she think, I am some pervert in the grocery store book isle looking for some naughty books? I looked up and met eyes with a man standing across from me laughing to himself too, so I didn’t feel so bad.
Me: furrowing my brow at him, “gosh, what does she think I was looking for anyway?” Him: looking across the display, over my shoulder and then suddenly pretended to chase after the old woman as he said “hey, you think she has some suggestions for dirty stories?”
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Tipping the scales

2006-05-01T19:53:00.001-07:00

Tipping the scales

Okay, second entry for today...
I took a whole week off and “cheated” a lot while I visited Lummox. Although I wasn’t that bad, I did have ice cream and eat a lot of restaurant food however. It was hard to choose a salad for lunch, or fish instead of a pot pie or pizza, but I think I did a good job, and I am proud of me. Yay for me! Go me!

I didn’t gain a pound either. But I just can’t seem to get over this 5 pound hump. I lost five pounds, but I haven’t lost anything more. Why is that I wonder? I have heard that everyone has their own personal weigh barrier, if you want to call it that. And I have also heard that once you get past that barrier, the weight will come off faster. I am really looking forward to that. I’m tired of getting on that scale every morning and seeing the same weight!

I bought my scale at Tarjay, and it is super nifty. Not only does it weigh you, it memorizes your personal info like your height, gender and age, including what you weighed last time you stepped on. I got one that measures your body fat also, although I am still not sure how to use that information. All I know is that according to the chart in the users manual, by percentage of body fat is in the “high” range for women my age. I don’t doubt it; I haven’t been very active in the last few years.

When I was looking for my scale, browsing the isles at the store, there was a girl walking towards me from the opposite side of the store. We met at the same display, the scales. After a couple of giggles at each other because we were both aimed at the same destination, we discovered we weren’t the only ones after that scale. The store had none on display! She was nice enough to call for help, and while we were waiting for a department representative we played with the higher priced model scale.

Now, I am not one to judge, but I saw her body fat percentage and was surprised that even though she was a lot taller and “larger” than me, my percentage was pretty close to hers. Yet, still I am in the high range? I am a lot smaller than her, in height and weight, but I have almost the same body fat percentage as her? That blew me away. According to both scales, I am 36% body fat. Gross- no offense to said girl in scale isle.

Now what do I do with that number? Do I compare it to the “average” numbers on the chart and try to make it to that number? I’m just not sure what to do with that number, and if I even need to pay attention to it at all. I need to study up on body fat percentages I suppose.

I have noticed that changing your diet takes a lot of time and effort! I spend at least an hour every night just working out my meal plan for the next day, calculating the calories, documenting everything, not to mention making the meals. It is like homework for my new lifestyle. I figured out that in order to lose a pound a day, I need to consume 1250 calories a day. Some days though, I don’t think I even take in that much. How come I’m not losing weight??

It’s getting frustrating, but I’m not going to quit! Go me!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Censored

2006-05-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

May 01
Censored

Congratulations to my friend Nicole for making the What’s your Story? list this week! It’s a grand honor that has been bestowed onto her, and just in time for her 32nd birthday! I was among the lucky ones to be invited to read her blog from the beginning. Before she started though, we had been pen pals for a while. When I was featured on Whats your story in November, she became a loyal reader and we began exchanging emails. We discovered that we have so much in common and before long, we became fast friends. She takes the most amazing pictures of her life, her babies (cats and dog) and Victor her hubby, and is very devoted to writing on almost a daily basis. I love reading her entries, because there is so much diversity in her writing. She can go from serious family matters, to funny humor about her animals or her gnomes. I just love her.
She was smart from the beginning. I wish I would have gone about things the way she did. When she was asked to be featured on MSN’s best of blogs list, she was excited beyond words, as I was, and she wanted to share the honor with her family and friends. I went through the same feelings. I wanted to tell the world that I was featured on MSN! I chose to tell my parents and my sister and a few close friends that I trusted with my private life and happenings. What Nicole did that I didn’t do, was to ask that her family and friends only read the week she was featured, and to respect her privacy after the week was over. She invited them to join her in her excitement, and trusted them with her private thoughts.
It’s hard to get people you are close to, to understand that you want your privacy when you are putting it all out there for anyone to read. I compare it to leaving your diary out in the open at home, and expecting that no one in your family will look inside. Blogs are more like leaving your diary on a popular street somewhere. You probably wouldn’t mind if someone you don’t know picked it up and read it, but if someone you know finds it- its hard to deal with. There are trust issues there. It’s hard because it’s a choice you personally make, and you expect that people will play by your rules. But it doesn’t work that way.
If I had thought more about the consequences, I would never have invited my family to read my blog. I find myself holding back a lot in my writing now that I know they read. I know it was like handing a kid a cookie and saying now don’t eat the whole thing, just take a bite, when I let them in on my blog. Honestly though, I didn’t think they would take the time to go back through my old entries and read EVERYTHING...but they most likely did. At one point I went back through some old entries and actually censored them to save my parents from worrying about me. I hate that I did that, because it is MY journal! I am fully regretting inviting my parents to read, because of the self censoring and PG writing I have changed to since being featured.
People have a natural tendency to wonder, especially parents with their kids. I fully understand their need to know, but I wonder if it is even worth it to them now that they are inside my head where I don’t want them to be. I am guilty of snooping in the past, where I wasn’t supposed to look, and found out some things that I was probably better off knowing in the end, but at the time I wished I hadn’t looked. I know they found my blog behind my back last year when I wrote on blogger.com, and that is the main reason I moved it to MSN. I didn’t want my parents to read my private journal. The difference is this time is that I invited them to look, trusted that they understood not to read before or after that week I was featured, I guess I was naïve to think they would respect my privacy after giving them access. Now instead of a blog that comes straight from my head, there are filters on my private thoughts, and it’s written for everyone. I want it back, the privacy I used to have. I wonder if the same thing will happen to Nicole this week. I hope it doesn’t because it will change a lot, as did with my blog. I hope her family respects her wishes and discontinues reading after her week.
One thing I learned with the whole experience. Sometimes you just need your privacy- from family, and need to keep your thoughts your own. Sometimes you need to have secrets for yourself. My parents definitely do not need to know everything about my life, but I know they want to. I invited them to read, that is my fault entirely and I do regret it. Some advice to fellow bloggers: keep your blog private from people that you know personally, you will be a happier blogger in the long run. But whats done is done, and I can't change it now. Hindsight is 20/20 right? Ce la vie.
Good luck Nicole, I hope everything works out. You are definitely still one of my favorite blog buddies. I am planning to vote for you as much as I possibly can this week!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Bugged

2006-04-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

April 17
Bugged

You never think about all the things that you will inherit when renting a house. Some people get leaky roofs, some are stuck with squeaky floors. I inherited ants...lots and lots of them; and they are everywhere.

I have associated these little red ants with bad luck since I was little. Mom took Sarah and I on a trip to Disneyland with a family friend and her two kids, and the trip was nothing but a series of unpleasant events. One of which was that our motel room was infested with ants, and instead of moving us to a better room the motel owners just handed us a bottle of bug spray and walked away. We tried to cheer each other up by singing dead ant, dead ant, deadant dedant, deadaaaaant..to the tune of the Pink Panther theme. I think we were so intoxicated by the fumes that we didn’t care after awhile.

Now flash forward two decades and I’m turning on the faucet in my tub, out come thousands of tiny red ants in the stream of water. Ack! All I could do was let them wash down the drain in disgust. I try to make coffee, they have infested my coffeemaker, great, just what I need; caffeinated ants. I open my pantry door and they are streaming in like a boot camp towards my jar of honey. I picture them in army gear, marching in unison, singing a little song sound off, one two, sound off, three four....my house is the enemy territory and they have attacked.

I wonder what goes on in their little bug brains? The queen has given her army their orders, and now they must seek and destroy the target, or at least carry it off in very small pieces. If the target is my house, I wonder when I will come home to find my furniture and television gone. They’ve already taken my coffeemaker, my honey, and my upstairs bathtub, and they try really hard to take my toothpaste, but they haven’t gotten far, but have gotten close to taking over my whole bathroom!

Aside from calling an exterminator I’ve tried everything. I started with the aforementioned bug spray but all that does is kill the ones you can see and leaves a horrible smell. I have successfully conquered bombing their camps in my back yard with pellets, but it is not recommended for use indoors. I am contemplating it lately though, since the five types of bait traps I’ve laid around like land mines don’t seem to work at all, I think they are using them as bunkers for safety.

I think I am slowly going insane from these little bastards. The other day I found myself pretending to be King Kong above a stream of them coming from my sugar jar, I walked my fingers over each one of them squishing them one at a time and laughing wickedly and humming Pink Panther theme. I think they are whispering in my ear while I sleep, with their tiny army ant propaganda, I wake up with the strangest urge to cover myself in sugar so they can carry me off in the night to use in the coffee they have been accumulating from my kitchen.

The one thing I have found that works 100%? I mean besides squishing them with your fingers? Toothpaste. It makes for great tooth brushing entertainment and it has worked every time, I have made sure and watched as they come marching up, take a piece of toothpaste and if they don’t get stuck in it first, they suddenly die on the spot.....fluoride poisoning. Bwwahahaaaaa I’m waging war! You can start calling me Sergeant Colgate.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

A Bunny Tail

2006-04-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

April 14
A Bunny Tail

Easter reminds me of her

Mom says I’ve always been a bunny person. A couple weeks ago when I was helping her go through the old stuffed animals Sarah and I had accumulated throughout the years, I noticed there were a lot of bunny rabbits in the mix. I don’t remember liking bunnies so much growing up, but I guess I did.

I remember one of my favorite presents as a child was a rabbit puppet from my uncle John. He had it packed away in his suitcase one year, and made me keep it a secret that he had given it to me; I’m sure he did the same thing with Sarah because he is the greatest uncle ever. I still have that bunny; she sits next to pooh bear on my bed to this day.

When I first moved to Denver, my ex, the dreamer, and I had just moved into our first apartment. It was a couple months after the Easter holiday, and there were news stories about all the families who given their children rabbits on Easter morning, but had decided against it. People were taking them back to the pet stores in droves, and I couldn’t help but gush over the images they were showing.

I hadn’t found a job yet, since we had just moved in, and I was lonely since my ex was in school all day and already working. One day when I was out running errands I came home to a surprise. I opened the door and my ex was standing there with a little tiny bunny rabbit in his arms. She was so little and so precious as I held her to me. She had the cutest little cotton tail and she loved to sniff and tickle you with her whiskers. She was so soft it was like holding a cloud. I called her, simply, Bunny.

Over the years as she grew I moved her from the small cramped cage she lived in as a baby, to an elaborate multi level bunny condo, complete with a log cabin that she loved to hide in. I didn’t name her for a couple years, until mom came to visit me and playfully called her Hop along Cassidy one day while Bunny was roaming the carpet in my apartment. She became Cassidy from that day on. But she had a lot of nicknames too- Cass, Mama Cass, Cassie, piggy, etc. even though I still lovingly called her Bunny most of the time.

There are a lot of things I didn’t know about owning a rabbit as a pet. You can treat them like a house cat, letting them have free roam of the house if you wish, but they love to chew. What a lot of people don’t know about rabbits is that their front teeth are continuously growing, hence the need for constant chewing. The corners of my walls, the baseboards, and electrical wires in my house suffered greatly from her chewing, so I was constantly chasing her away from the corners of anything within her reach. Christmas tree lights never lasted more than a couple of days either.

Everyone has seen the movie Bambi right? Thumper is so adorable when he thumps and proclaims “I'm thumpin! That's why they call me Thumper!” When it is 3am and suddenly your bunny decides to start thumping on the floor of her cage, it is startling! Nothing adorable about your heart jumping out of your chest when you are deep in sleep. I used to watch her, she would get all balled up, on all fours and her ears would lie back...and then suddenly...THUMP! She would quickly tense up and smack her back feet on the floor like she was spring loaded. I still don’t know why bunnies thump; it is an interesting thing to witness though.

She loved to swim. I know this sounds funny, but really she did! I would have to give her baths a lot because her fur was so dense around her backside that she couldn’t get her head around her fat little body to clean herself. I’d run a warm shallow bath for her, and she would run and hide (her favorite place to hide was inside the box spring of my bed that she had secretly made a nest inside of, that was fun to clean up) I would finally round her up, and I knew she loved to swim, but she hated the bath part. She would grunt at me like a little piglet until I got her into the water. Once she was there, her legs would straighten out, her little tail would unfold and I would let her float there in the bath water. She was a great swimmer! You would never know that about rabbits unless you’ve seen it before, but it’s true. She loved it.

One day after a bath I wrapped her in a towel and carried her around for a bit while I did some cleaning in the kitchen. I put her little towel-wrapped body down on the carpet next to a plastic grocery bag and turned my back for a second. The next thing I knew she had wriggled out of the towel and had the shopping bag in her teeth, tugging at it and hopping around the bag with her ears perked straight up. I had never seen her so excited about something. She had a lot of toys, but she never reacted to any of them like the shopping bag.

She hopped around the apartment that day with the bag in tow like it was her blanky. She had her head held high, and it was as if she was prancing she was so proud of it. Soon her pace quickened and she learned that if she ran with the bag trailing behind her, it would catch the air and fly above her like a parachute. It became apparent that this bag was now her favorite toy. For the next few years, whenever she was out, she would immediately find her baggie and go running with it flying in the air behind her, around the apartment. It was the silliest and funniest thing I had ever seen. It made me so happy to see her like that.

As the years went on, Cassidy got older, and less and less sociable. She loved to be out on the balcony, in the leaves, and would chase you off if you tried to join her. She had her territory and loved to be alone. She didn’t like to be held anymore, although she still loved her nose and head scratched occasionally. She would still let me give her eskimo kisses too. Most days she would stay in the little nest she had built for herself inside her condo and just sleep the day away.

One day, I found her curled up in a little ball at the bottom of her cage. She was quite sick. I knew she was sick because she actually let me pick her up without grunting at me. I held her to my heart and she snuggled under my chin with her tickly little whiskers. I warmed a towel and wrapped her in it like a baby and cradled her in my arms as she slept. Bunny didn’t make it through the morning. The vet said she had a mass in her tummy that probably was a cancer; poor little bunny. I had her cremated with her favorite blanket from her nest. That was one of the hardest days I've had to get through.

I was heartbroken over her for a long long time. Even after all the trouble she was, the chewing, the piggy grunting, the thumping at 3am, the wireless christmas tree lights, and the burrowing into my box spring, she was still my favorite little pet. Although I wouldn’t recommend buying a rabbit for small children, and now I understand all those parents I saw so long ago on the news who took back their bunnies to the pet stores, I loved my Bunny and Im glad I didnt take her back. She was sweet, in her own special bunny-with-an-attitude way. And I know she loved me too. I miss her, my sweet little Easter bunny. She still makes me smile.

I got home from work today and found that the Easter Bunny had visited my house early this year! I had an Easter basket filled with chocolate eggs, and an Easter Lilly! Thank you Easter Bunny. Thank you also for the beautiful little soap dish, my great grandmother Winnie Lou Bush hand painted it in 1971, it is definitely a treasure.
Happy Easter!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Epiphany

2006-04-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

April 11
Epiphany

This is what its all about.
I don’t have moments of clarity a lot, but when I experience them they are usually life changing. I woke up this morning, not realizing that my thinking would be completely changed on my drive to work.
I have been living the last few years in the mindset that; my days will be based on the feeling I get with a beer in hand, on the couch relaxing after work, clouding my mind, self medicating, escaping reality. This morning I changed my mind.
After a text message to my biggest cheerleader – Lummox, I went to bed last night 100% alcohol free, and was able to get up on time without the side effects I normally wake up to. I could see the whites in my eyes, no blood shot red color like they usually are. I wore my hair down today- not in a ponytail like I have worn every day for the last year. I didn’t have to hide the dark circles from under my eyes, because there were none. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I would realize all this.
On the drive to work, eating my waffle, drinking my coffee, listening to my favorite morning radio show; I was laughing. I don’t remember the last time I laughed out loud in my car...in the early morning no less! I felt great. It was then that it all hit me. This is what it's all about.
Why am I not living my life for this?
For this feeling right now...
This is what I should be basing my days on
Why did I not think of this before?
I decided I haven’t realized this before because I haven’t had one of these mornings in...I can’t remember the last time I felt like this, and that is truly sad. I should be feeling like this every day.
Instead I have been living my life completely on the other end of the spectrum, feel great at night, feel like hell all day. Normally I would wake up late, with sandpaper eyes and a headache, put my hair up in a ponytail, and trip over my flip flops as I ran out the door. My drive to work would not be joyful; in fact I would usually curse the day. I would get to work late, and shove some caffeine down my throat, normally in the form of a huge McDonald’s soda, so that I could get something else in my body to replace the alcohol thin blood that was creeping through my veins. At work I would groan the day away while listening through my headache and the whooshing of my heartbeat in my ears. I’d eat something greasy, most days in the form of fast food, and at the end of my work day I would finally start to feel better. The cycle would continue when I got home and popped open a beer, and plopped down on the couch.
No more.
I am living my life based on the way I feel all day long, from my alarm clock in the morning, until my head hits the pillow at night. One hundred percent sober. I will remember this feeling, each time I crave a beer, instead of the feeling of a temporary high. I will base my life on what is true, and not the false reality I get when I drink. I will be happy, healthy, and motivated. And best of all... I will laugh out loud every day.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Mood swingin'

2006-04-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

April 10
Mood swingin'

I don’t want my blog to become ALL workout all the time, but it seems like it has been lately. There really is more to my life than diet and working out...like sitting on the couch and watching movies! I will say that I am super excited about a trip I have planned for next week though.
I’m going to Denver to visit the Lummox! 9 days and counting. I am so excited!
I secretly planned it around my cycle, you know, cause I don’t want to have aunt flow hanging around while I’m there...that would be a bummer. Suffice it to say, this last week before my period has really been a bummer. What’s funny is that Lummox has decided to keep track of my ailments during this time. I don’t know how he is doing this, but in the back of my mind I am imagining charts and graphs and pie charts. I guess next month we will be able to compare and contrast, perhaps with a bar graph, maybe an excel spreadsheet, we haven’t decided yet. A PMS pie chart...hmmm, hopefully it will be chocolate. My imagination gets away from me sometimes sorry...mmm chocolate. I think he should start a PMS man blog.
I seriously think women should get an automatic week off during PMS. After all the weird symptoms I get, by the end of the day I am exhausted. It is quite a trip we go through isn’t it? Fluctuating emotions, bloated bodies, swollen breasticles, sore nipples, and the rage...the rage I think is what should qualify us for time off. Time-off by reason of temporary insanity would definitely save me from planning the demise of my co-workers once a month too. Death by fax machine is still my favorite scenario. “Disgruntled woman bludgeons co-workers with fax-machine, blames PMS- tonight at eleven
This morning I weighed myself, the last time I weighed myself was on Wednesday and I had lost a couple pounds. I have lost 5 pounds! Yay! It wasn’t for nothing...granted I was sick for three days and skipped my workouts, but I still stuck by the diet and didn’t cheat all weekend. Today I am going back to the beginning, and starting out in the easier workouts on the schedule. That 45 minute cardo party DVD was just too much for me to keep up with all of a sudden, I think. I am back on the horse and five pounds lighter. Yippee!
That in itself is motivation to go further with my attempt at losing weight. I know it won’t happen instantly but I guess I am impatient when it comes to these things. I want to be thin- now. If only I didn’t have to work for it...golly I am lazy.
Why can’t it be as easy as it was to put on these pounds? I eat a burger- instantly I gain a few pounds...it takes me two weeks to work it off, that sucks! But it is life, and I am happy to add- the only burger that has been on my plate recently is made of ground turkey and was breadless. Boy do I miss McDonalds!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Reflections

2006-04-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

April 08
Reflections

…she was looking kind of dumb
with her finger and her thumb
in the shape of an L
on her forehead…
I turned on my media player this morning and a great song started my day. It used to be my theme song. You know, the song that I would choose if I had a band following me around all the time? You would see me walking down the street with my head held high with a group of retro-Elvis looking fellows following behind me singing All Star so everyone would know that was my theme song- the soundtrack to my day. Or so it would seem.
I have always been the kind of person that has needed hand holding to get anything important in life completed. A theme song playing in my head helps, it motivates me to want to do it, but it doesn’t have enough force to lead me. I guess you could say I have a problem getting my motivation going in the right direction. I need cheerleaders. I need the constant voice in my ear telling me that I am doing the right thing. I need the push in the right direction, but I also need the hand holding to get me through it. I suppose I am co-dependant. I don’t like being like this, even though I don’t see it as an unhealthy thing either. But when I am left to my own thoughts I get lost.
It is so much easier to give advice than to actually live it. I can look at people with the same exact problems as I have and give the greatest suggestions! Why can’t I take my own guidance? If it is a will power issue than I would say that I have none. Most of my motivation is based on the way I see myself through other people’s eyes. A lot of it might not even be based on how others truly see me, and I just think that they do. This new endeavor with weight loss is one of those issues.
If I were left to my own mind, with no other outside influences my weight would not be an issue. I am really okay with how I am. I don’t think I am attractive to other people though, that is the thing I can’t get past. I can’t get past seeing myself through other peoples eyes because I have no real self-image. Where does my soul meet my body? I have the soul of an eternal teenager with the body of a very curvy woman. I need to just accept that. I feel like I’m getting all Dr. Phil on myself here.
As it is now, I am only working out for the outward appearance of who I am, and not for the inner person I know I am. I know that I will be healthier, and feel better about the body I see in the mirror, but will I still be so detached from my body when I am thin? Won’t I still be the same person inside looking at a body that others will view as unattractive? I will be in the same position as I am in now, no matter how much weight I have lost because it is all in my head- it isn’t about my body. I need to accept myself, and reunite my soul with the body that I have. Easier said than done.
Is it my soul I need to fix or my body?
Do I want to be happy the way I am?
Or do I want to be thin so I can be happy at the way other people see me?
The work out gods handed over my instant karma after I skipped my routine on Wednesday. I got sick. I haven’t worked out for three days now. Did I lose the motivation I had last week? I feel like I have. But looking back on my history, this is what I do. I give up. It is way too easy to say, I quit than to actually follow through right? My plan is to start again on Monday and go from there.
A second chance…again. Life is really just a series of second chances right? I know I have flaws, I’m not perfect but I know I am trying to do the best I can do. I feel like a loser. This isn’t me giving up, it is just me finally seeing myself in the mirror and coming to terms with what I see…
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Mid-week Meanderings

2006-04-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

April 05
Mid-week Meanderings

I think my ADD is flaring up today or something
My brain is jumping around with too many thoughts today to tie them together into one topic...so here are the tangents of my thought process.
This morning, I can hardly move, let alone lift my arms above my head to do my hair. The fact that I have made it through almost a week of working out every day makes me feel great. I think I even saw my jaw line making an appearance while I was putting on my makeup, and I was surprised to look down and see my toes this morning in the shower! My tummy pooch has shrunk a bit! Yay! I can deal with the soreness, in return for the loss of my pooch and double chins. That is a fair trade.
Cody is not a fan of my work out routines. Normally if I am jumping around being a goof he will bark at me. So when I first started working out, he sat in front of me and barked until I got mad and put him outside. I’m sure he is thinking “what the heck is wrong with you? Why are you jumping around all over the place? Why are you kicking the air like that? Mommy, what is going on here? Hey listen to me!” The second day he was a little better, I think it makes him anxious that I am sweating and grunting and breathing hard or something. He is definitely not used to seeing me move around as much as I have been recently. Monday was toning and weights day so as soon as I had to lie down on the floor, below Cody’s level, he was right on top of me wanting to play along. I think I bonked him in the head with my weights a couple times before he got the hint I wasn’t down there to play with him. He is getting used to it though, he now lies on the couch or in the kitchen patiently and waits for me to finish. Good dog.
I think I lost a day somewhere. I woke up this morning thinking it was Tuesday. When I left for work, I wondered Why in the heck is my trash can out in the middle of the road? Its not trash day....wait, it is trash day! It is Wednesday! Where did Tuesday go? Who put out my trash? I know I didn't do it- so thank you to whoever put out my trash this morning...sorry it was so smelly Ive been eating more fish lately.
So American Idol fanatics, who do you think will be going home on the results show tonight? I think the bottom three will be Bucky, Paris, and Ace. I am not a fan of Ace, I think he has gotten through this far based on the votes of 15 year old girls who dream of his creepy stare. He reminds me of last seasons Constantine the way he stares into the camera as if he’s undressing me with his eyes. Ick! I hope Ace goes home, finally, at least sometime soon. I can’t stand getting the creeps every time he goes into that shrill falsetto voice he seems to incorporate into every song. Bucky has got to go. As much as I like him, he just doesn’t have a star presence. Paris did a horrible job last night with her rendition of How do I Live. I realize country music isn’t for everyone, but that was a horrible pick for her voice. Paris is normally a great singer though, so I think she will stay for at least a couple more rounds. I think it’s between Bucky and Ace tonight.
Who else is in love with Nick Lachey’s new single What’s Left of Me? What a great song! I am so totally on team Lachey. Jessica can take her little hooker butt back to Hazard County and choke on her Pizza Slut bites. Walk those cheating boots somewhere else- I for one, am tired of hearing about her, and if I see her on TV you can bet Ill be changing the channel. I am hoping Nick takes her for all she’s worth- she is a hooker. Go Team Lachey!
Okay, I am done...for now. My head hurts...
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Things to do instead of Drinking

2006-04-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

April 03
Drunk Girl Interrupted

Things to do instead of Drinking
In my process of trying not to drink, I discovered that you can only clean your house and do laundry so many times in a day before you have nothing else to clean. So I tried to keep myself busy in the mean time. I came up with this handy dandy list;
Things to do instead of drinking:
(All of which I completed this weekend)
Workout
Go to bed early
Go shopping
Re upholster antique bench seat using only a king sized pillow case and a hot glue gun (yes you may call me MacGyver) see pic
Give yourself a pedicure
Decoupage and trim a hat box for your mother (see pic)
Plant tomatoes (see pic)
Paint and sand your Grammies old bird cage (see pic)
Transplant ivy from yard to a small pot for later use in bird cage
Give yourself a facial
Pluck your eyebrows
Take your dog for a walk
Sunday take the day off from working out (I could not move on Sunday morning I was so sore!)
Weigh yourself every hour and watch in astonishment how it fluctuates throughout the day
Set off all smoke alarms in attempt to try broiling a chicken breast
Successfully burn both the front and the back of your arm simultaneously in the oven (never let your jumpy dog sleep under the oven door)
Replace the air filters in your house
Watch ants scramble as you pour ant killer on their dirt pile
Kill weeds in yard
Watch 3 movies from netflix (Elizabethtown was great, In her Shoes is cute, and Proof is good)
Spend an hour trying to get spray paint from bird cage off your burned arm
Re-arrange linen closet
Overpay your taxes
Wash all dog toys
Wrestle last pair of “good” underwear from your dog because he has nothing else to play with
Replace vacuum hepa filter and vacuum for the third time in as many days
Read newest copy of Vanity Fair magazine front to back
Photograph spring flowers in your jungle of a back yard (see pics)
Play in the hose with your dog because its 90 degrees outside (ick)
Complete Nip Tuck season one dvd collection
Attempt broiling chicken once again
Alphabetize your spices (when you only have six, this goes very quickly)
Pre- cook dinners and freeze them for next week
Dishes, dishes, dishes.
Bed early
I was really proud of myself, after the fact. On Friday somehow I stopped at the gas station and bought a 12 pack of beer and took it home. I did my workout and made my dinner and showered. Later that night I grabbed a cold one out of the fridge and took one sip- and that is all. I put the can down and left it sitting there next to me but that was all I wanted- a sip. I did a little happy dance before bed, the first Friday in a long time that I have gone to bed sober.
I should start planning what to do next weekend, I’m almost out of ideas!
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Day twhew!

2006-03-31T19:47:00.000-08:00

March 31
Day twhew!

I can’t believe I did it...

I actually made it all the way through a 45 minute cardio routine without stopping! I thought for sure I would be flat on the floor after the first ten minutes, but I was able to keep up! I will admit I was out of breath in the first half and it took some time to get the moves down but I did it! I would definitely recommend TurboJam to anyone who loves to dance and likes good music when they are working out. Normally in workouts the music just blows, but in TurboJam they have remixed actual songs we have all heard on the radio, and put a faster beat to them. At one point they had me doing tae bo punches and LL Cool J Mama said knock you out is playing- LOVE that! The moves are actually really fun and dance-like instead of the usual tired old workout moves. The music, though, was the best part of it; the music is what kept me moving. Lots of standing ab work, and at no point do they have you lying on the floor doing crunches. I am actually looking forward to doing the routine again today after work!
I thought for sure that I would be sore today, so sore that I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. But I am not overly sore, but I can definitely feel that I worked muscles that haven’t been worked in a long time. Mostly I am sore in my core abdomen area and down my sides, which is perfect because that is the area I need the work in. After the routine I saw myself in the mirror and I was beet red in the face! I’m glad no one else was around, because I was sweating like a man. After I stopped moving I thought I was going to pass out, but I kept walking around for a while until that passed. Is it strange to get a massive headache after a workout? I had a steady ache in my forehead for about two hours afterwards. Maybe I was dehydrated before I even started? Who knows, today I am drinking a ton of water though.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Day One- Weight loss plan

2006-03-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

March 30
Day One- Weight loss plan

Day one on the road to the new me!
This morning I got up 20 minutes early and actually had time to sit and have a cup of coffee and a whole grain waffle, and had time to kick around a ball with Cody! He also had more time outside this morning which I felt good about. Normally I’m rushing around like a crazy person in the morning, so breakfast is out of the question. Getting up 20 minutes early in the mornings adds more active time in my day to burn more calories too.
I was eating my waffle and watching Good Morning America this morning and they had some interesting facts about ‘thin people’. One of the facts was that 80% of people who keep the weight off eat breakfast in the mornings. That made me feel like I was off to a great start. You can read the other facts by clicking HERE, they are really interesting and make a lot of sense. I am going to incorporate them into my new schedule.
Today I plan on eating five small meals instead of three bigger ones, and I took a multivitamin. I pre-made my lunch and two snacks last night based on the meal plans given to me in the TurboJam pack I got in the mail. Normally I don’t follow the meal plans, but I figured I might as well go all out because I want this...I want it BAD.
I can not wait to lose this weight that I have been carrying around for the last few years. I am looking forward to gaining back my self confidence, and being able to say I have a positive self image again. I haven’t had that for almost ten years now. I want it back. I am lucky to have a very encouraging Lummox at my side, who loves me in any shape and at any weight, but knows I want to do this for myself and supports me.
I am doing this in a very public way, only because I believe it will give me the motivation to continue to lose the weight and not quit if I have an audience. I have a couple of blog buddies who will be working on their own weight loss at the same time, adding to my motivation. Thank you MonnyKat for being my workout buddy! And congrats on your 30 day sobriety! That totally rocks, I’m proud of you! Amy started her new workout regimen yesterday! Yay! That’s two people... Anyone else want to join us?
So with no further ado...here are my Day One Statistics;
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 145 (ten pounds more than I thought! Arg!)
Measurements:
Chest- 39
Waist- 33
Hips- 39
Upper arm- 11 ½
Thigh- 22
My goals:
Lose at least 15-20 Lbs
Lose inches
Tone up
Gain self respect
Gain self confidence
Fit into little black dress
Become an ‘active’ person again
Get healthy
To add to my motivation, I am putting my ‘before’ picture below. Notice how I strategically placed myself under my “Titanic” poster? Ha ha. In ten days I will post another pic and stats. Think good thoughts for me! (Pray with me for my spare tire and double chin to go away!) Okay, here goes...ugh, this picture makes my stomach hurt...I don't want to look like this anymore!

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Reminiscing

2006-03-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

March 27
Reminiscing

It was a flashback weekend.
Since mom and dad will be moving soon, the house needs to be ready for potential buyers to come tour soon. My job this weekend was to box up and take whatever I could cram into my car. The rest will be sold in a garage sale. So of course I had to go “save” my old things from being sold away to random people who won’t appreciate them right? HECK YEAH! I went straight for the guest room where all my old stuffed animals and dolls from childhood have been kept. I couldn’t bring myself to throw anything away, so I just took everything I possibly could.

There was also an adventure in the attic that proved to be worth my while. Since my parents have moved into that house I have been searching for my rock collection. I used to love love love collecting rocks. My Uncle even gave me this incredible collection of geological rocks and minerals that were labeled and bagged nicely. All these years I had feared mom and dad had sold the collection off in a yard sale, I finally found them boxed up in the attic! The box contained my old rock polisher and tins full of polished agates and other rocks. I wonder if it still works.

In addition to the rocks, I successfully saved the Barbie collection, the Strawberry Shortcake collection, my cabbage patch doll, Holly Hobbie, my unicorn collection, my sticker collection, a few books, garbage-pail kids’ cards, and some stuffed animals. Now, I don’t have a clue what the heck I am going to do with these things, but no one else is going to have them by golly! They just won’t appreciate them like I did! I will save them for my future children I suppose. I hope I have girls because if I have boys they are going to have to play with dolls and like unicorns!

While mom and I were in the attic, we found a bag full of my baby stuff including a journal my mom kept for the first 20 months of my life. It is full of insightful information and I hope to read it one day for advice on my own babies. Mom read some things aloud to me, as she flipped through it remembering. One thing that was hilarious, at 5 months I was reaching for things. She said I was intrigued with whatever anyone was drinking, so dad gave me a sip of his beer- (thus began the love of alcohol! Ha ha!) She also said “...I think she likes the coldness of beer...” Yeah, that is my new excuse for loving beer; I just love it for the coldness of it! That’s the ticket! I love new excuses.

Tonight at my house, if you were to be a fly on the wall I will probably be playing with my strawberry shortcake dolls on the floor of my living room, having a good cold beer with Barbie and Ken while I polish some rocks with Holy Hobbie. Sounds like the perfect evening to me!
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Drifters

2006-03-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

March 24
Drifters

Its finally Friday!
Ahhh, no tempgirl today. She got called in yesterday to do one last days work and I said goodbye to her for EVER. On her way out she smiled and pointed at me and said with a disturbing grin “I’m not through with you yet girl! I will see you around soon!” Great, that is something to look forward to- not. I hope that was the last of her. My head still hurts from last week!
This afternoon I witnessed something upsetting; it was humorous and at the same time it was depressing. I was on my way back from lunch, stuck once again at the traffic light that takes an eternity to change, and to my left was a female beggar.
Tangeant- what is the PC term for a beggar these days?
Homeless person?
Vagabond?
Tramp?
Drifter?
Hobo?
Vagrant?
I’m out of analogies....
Anyway...apparently beggarChick had taken some other beggars spot and he was not happy with her. They were yelling at each other, waving their cardboard signs at each other angrily arguing over who was there first. Now I had seen beggarMan there days and days in a row, and I know that was ‘his’ spot. He had a reason to be mad I suppose. But then I started thinking, is there some unwritten rule of the homeless? Do they have an understanding among their circle that says they can stake claim to freeway corners and call them theirs?
I have also noticed a trend here in Austin, where there is a male vagrant, there seems to be a female around the corner with the same hand made sign asking for the same things. They travel in pairs! So when I noticed beggarChick, I immediately looked down the other end of the intersection and low and behold- beggarChick had a beggarDude of her own! When he saw her arguing with beggarMan he began walking towards them. When beggarMan noticed, he was off to find another corner to stake claim to.

Poor beggarMan. I wanted to stand up for him, after all it was really his place of work...he had been their first, but I was afraid of beggarChick, with her grey teeth, and leathered and tanned skin...and Ill bet she packs a mean punch. Those cardboard signs have sharp corners too, ever gotten a paper cut from cardboard? It stings! So as soon as the light turned green again, I was off to my own place of work once again. I wondered though, if there was someone else sitting at my desk when I got back, would I have to argue with them to get my spot back? Threaten them with cardboard if need be? I may need to make friends with beggarMan one day, just in case.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Replacing Addictions

2006-03-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

March 23
Replacing Addictions

White Zinfandel is like candy.
I am such a loser today. First off, I have to apologize to my Lummox, because I kind of lied to him this morning. Well I guess it wasn’t a lie- it wasn’t the truth though either. In any case, I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

I have a drinking problem; I mean it isn’t so bad that I need to go to rehab or anything. I am fully aware of the problem when I am sober, but when I take that first drink, something shuts off in my brain.; the part that is supposed to tell me that I have had enough and should put the wine bottle away for the night. That part of my thinking process just shuts down for some reason, and all logic goes out the window. I know that I should just not have any alcohol in my house at all, but sometimes I just want a beer to relax you know? But what happens is, I will have another...and another...and another and before I know it what started as “just one to relax” has turned into a six pack. I don’t drink every day; most times it is just on weekends and maybe once during the week.

Last night after a stressful day at work I just wanted to sit out on my back porch with a glass of wine and relax. By the end of the night- I had polished off half the bottle, it was a big bottle too. I don’t sleep well when I am drunk, so I didn’t get the best sleep last night. I remember glaring through one eye at the red numbers glowing in the dark from my alarm clock at 5am and thinking, ‘oh god I am going to hate myself in a couple hours when I have to get up”. Next thing I knew, I woke up and the power had gone out sometime between then and now and I had no idea what time it was. Where is my cell phone... 9:30!!!!! Oh my god, I am now officially an hour late for work. I hate having to explain things like this...Ill just tell them I slept late and that my power went out. It was part of the truth right? I slapped on some makeup, threw on some clothes and my flip flops and I was out the door looking haggled and wrecked.

Two hours late for work, all because I couldn’t stop myself from having another one. What a friggin loser I am. And to top it all off, I didn’t tell my boyfriend because I was too embarrassed and afraid of what he would think of me. I told him I wasn’t feeling well...but then later I confessed to him. He laughed and was fine with it. Thank god I have an understanding Lummox. I know the problem won’t be as bad when I am with him, because I won’t need it anymore if I have him.

I can see where I am self medicating in some sick twisted way, I don’t know where it comes from though. I can tell myself over and over again, don’t drink too much, don’t buy alcohol, but that switch in my brain shuts off again, and all of a sudden I am drunk. The part I need to get into my head is that I don’t need it. I don’t need that beer or glass of wine to relax. But there again, I need something to replace it. When I drink, I am relaxed, I am happy, and I am content in my own little world. Why can’t I do that without adding alcohol? Is it all in my head?
I am going to use today as the reason next time I want a beer, so that I don’t want it.

There is no reason that I can’t beat this.
I just need another addiction to replace it.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Seriously!

2006-03-20T19:44:00.000-08:00

March 20
Seriously!

The temp is stalking me.

She keeps calling me. I made the mistake of giving her my cell phone number that day I thought she was cool. Now she calls me two or three times a week. This weekend she called me on Saturday to ask if I had watched this DVD she gave me to watch. I had no intention of watching it- some stupid anime movie called Spirited Away that I have never heard of. She really wanted me to watch it though, apparently because she called me again on Sunday. I didn’t answer either time because I try and stay away from situations that just inflict internal drama on myself. *wink* I figured she would get it after the last six or seven times I haven’t answered her calls. I know, I can sound like a bitch sometimes, but sheesh- take a hint! We don’t have her coming in this week because of IT problems, but she called this morning before I left for work! I didn’t answer (big surprise) and she left me a message:

“Hieeee it’s meeeee again. I just wanted to make sure you watched that movie because I’d like to come over tonight to come pick it up. How about 7:30ish? ...more dribble I didn’t listen to...blah blah....so I will see you at 7:30 tonight. Byeeeee”

Whatever, I’ll make sure I have Cody with me to annoy her. I’ll make sure he jumps up on her because I already know she hates that about some dogs because it was included in all the random mind-diarrhea she spewed to me all last week. I continued to get ready for work and was thanking god that I didn’t have to see her at work today.

When I opened my garage door to leave, who do you think was parked outside my house? The temp from hell. I pretended not to see her, so I backed out into the driveway and she pulled along side me on the side street and waved. Friggin great. She saw me look. She had the look of a soccer mom on crack waving to me through the window like I was one of her little kids. I smiled but through my teeth I was huffing ‘oh greeeat’. I got out and yelled out to her ‘Ill go inside and get your movie’ and motioned to my garage to escape. She actually asked ‘are you on your way to work?’ I just stared at her blankly... um no, I’m off to join the circus, what do you think? I went inside and grabbed the DVD and took it out to her. She of course chatted away, telling me her life story. God, why did I take that stupid movie in the first place? I should have snuck it back into her purse while she wasn’t looking so that I could avoid any unnecessary encounters with her again.

As she drove away I had to ask myself, did that really just happen? Did she really just come over to my house and wait outside for me? SERIOUSLY? That is really annoying and a little creepy if you ask me. I am definitely kicking myself for telling her where I live, that is for sure. Hopefully that was the last of her. One can only hope....I mean, Seriously!

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

They got me

2006-03-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

March 19
They got me

Theres no turning back now!
They got me.
They were really convincing, and they sucked me in.
Infomercials.
There’s no turning back now.
I ordered.

I really believed in that girl; the skinny one who was wearing the tiniest little sports bra and shorts I’ve ever seen- because I want to look like her. I want to be skinny again. I want to be able to wear that cute little black dress once more. I fit into it a few years ago, it’s a size 7 but I remember it being a little bigger than that. I am now a size 10, down from a size 12 however in the last year, but I still want to lose the weight I’ve gained over these past few years.

I blame aging. I used to be able to lose weight easily, not in the healthiest of ways, but it used to work. I used to be able to just eat half what I usually did and I could lose 5 or so pounds by the weekend. That doesn’t work anymore, sadly. It is maddening when I think about the body I used to have. It was cute and thin and I was proud of it. These days if I happen to see my body naked in the mirror, I wonder how that fat girl got into my house because she really needs to put some clothes on. I wonder what happened? I guess it is just metabolism and getting older. I still eat the same; I am still as lazy as I was back then when I was thin, I don’t get it. The thing is, I’m not overly heavy for my height. (last checked 137 at 5’6”) I just need to lose fat and inches, but my goal is to lose 15 pounds, and I don’t know how to calculate how many inches I need to lose, I just want to fit into that dress!

So, what did I order you are wondering? It happened when I took a break from vacuuming and plopped my butt on the couch for a breather…you know the kind- you sit down and say ‘just for a minute’ and before you know it you have been sitting for a couple hours! There I was, vulnerable and tired in front of my TV, and when I awoke from my infomercial hypnosis I had ordered TurboJam! It comes with 5 different workouts, a tape measure, a nutrition plan (which I never follow anyway), and a multivitamin supplement. At least it isn’t a gimmicky weight loss program; I will at least get my body moving again, limber up, and get my heart rate going. In the past I’ve worked out to Slim in 6 but I quickly got bored of it because it’s the same thing every day. (Plus I accidentally left the resistance bands in Denver when I left my ex) With this I can choose which DVD to put in and get the same workout.
So it has begun, I can’t get away from it now. A new me is coming in the mail. In 5-7 days I will have to make room for a workout every day. Until it gets here, I have traded my office chair for a ‘FitBall’, and I’m going to jump-start my diet by going on the negative calorie diet for a week (its basically just vegetable soup). I’ve started doing stretches before bed because I’m sure I will need it! I used to love dancing so hopefully this will get me back on my feet for a dance style workout every day. Eeeeeee! I am actually excited. Maybe Ill post before and after pics? Hmmm, I will have to think about that one.
Countdown to a new me coming soon!

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Snap out of it!

2006-03-15T19:42:00.001-08:00

March 15
Snap out of it!

I will admit- I’ve been saving this picture to use on March 30- but I’m too impatient! I think it’s funny that at the bottom it reads Stop Arthritis hee hee. I’m sure Marilyn could help a lot of men with that...

Okay okay- So I’ve been a big whiner lately. From reading all the comments I got yesterday I started to picture that scene in Moonstruck where Cher slaps Nicolas Cage and yells "Snap out of it!" I just feel like its better to just let my emotions run their course, get out my frustrations where I can and it will be over soon. I used to put on a happy face, cover up my emotions and not talk about anything. But bottling things up doesn’t help anyone in the long run.

Also- I only write about things that are 10% of my life here...that entry yesterday does not represent my existence...it does however represent a pin point of my frustrations, and that is what this site is for. It’s my therapy. Lummox knows how much I love and appreciate him too. I’m not an entirely unhappy person but lets face it, we can’t all be shooting sunshine and rainbows out our arses all the time now can we? There comes a time where you need to stand in the shadows for a while, until the sun comes back out. Alright I’ll stop with the analogies. And I’ll stop whining...until next month. I’m feeling much better today, thanks for all the support, and even the reality checks. Sometimes I need a swift kick in the arse.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Snap out of it!

2006-03-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

Band-Aid Covers the Bullet Hole

2006-03-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

March 14
Band-Aid Covers the Bullet Hole

Sometimes its getting out of bed that is the hardest thing to do
I don’t think I’m depressed, but I haven’t been in the greatest of moods lately. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings, well... ever. I am tired all the time and have no motivation to do anything productive. I have been waking up most nights every two hours, to check the time. I feel like crying all the time, over nothing. I have too much time to think and that just adds to my downfall.

Every once in a while I start thinking of my life, and where I should be by now. About how I wasted too much time on someone who strung me along for 6 years in hopes that he would come around. Well he didn’t, and I can’t get those 6 years back. I feel really behind, and feel like I’m still damaged goods. Why can’t I just forgive and forget? I have nothing but anger and frustration left for him. I know it isn’t healthy to harbor negative energy towards someone, and it’s been almost two years since we broke up, but that’s just the way it is for me.

I still get reminded every day when I look into the mirror that I am 32 years old with nothing to show for it. I could have had kids by now- plural- kids with an S. God damnit. That makes me angry. How do I get those years back? Is it okay that I will probably be 34 or older before I start having kids? I just never thought my life would be like this. 32 years old, not married, no kids....wow. All I need now are about six dozen cats and you can start calling me an old maid.

Why did I ever get out of bed today?

from Grey's Anatomy last Sunday-

"As doctors, patients are always telling us how they would do our jobs. Just stitch me up, slap a bandaid on it, and send me home. Its easy to suggest a quick solution when you dont know much about the problem, when you don't understand how deep the wound really is...The first step toward a real cure is to know exactly what the disease is to begin with, but that's not what people want to hear... We're supposed to forget the past that landed us here, ignore the future complications that might arise, and go for the quick fix

As doctors, as friends, as human beings we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. And just when you've gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts and knocks you off your feet. If you're lucky, you end up with a flesh wound, something a bandaid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear and require more than a quick fix. With some wounds you have to rip off the bandaid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

-Meredith Grey from ABC's Grey's Anatomy.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Cry baby

2006-03-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

March 13
Cry baby

I'm a cry baby lately.
Recently I wrote about some peculiar quirks I have. One of them that I have recently started to notice is that I cry at least once a day! It could be from something touching I heard on the radio, or from something sad I heard on the news, or just basically from nothing. I was talking to Lummox about it and I decided to keep a list of things that brought tears to my eyes this weekend. All weekend I was on an emotional rollercoaster of hormones, up and down repeatedly throughout the last couple days. Isn’t PMS fun?
So-here are some of the stupid things that made me cry this weekend:

Watched a documentary called My Brother’s Keeper and it was touching- I’d recommend it to anyone who likes documentary films.

Johnson and Johnson baby commercials

United Airlines commercial - Dragon

A picture of my grandparents when they were young

The song Better Days by the Goo Goo Dolls (playing)

Finding out that Lummox’s son broke up with his girlfriend

Nip Tuck season one- the episode where Christian breaks down over his memories of being molested.

Hearing my neighbors fighting and completely ignorning their baby sitting in the middle of the sidewalk crying at the top of her lungs

Grey’s Anatomy last night! She talks about pulling off the “band aid” from your wounds. (I’m looking for quotes from the episode last night) I teared up like a million times.

Got angry over the amount of time I wasted on someone who “just wasn’t that into me” for 6 friggin years.

Cody wouldn’t let me sleep in on Saturday morning- but I went back to bed anyway

Went through my pictures and found some of friends who are not here anymore.
Saw myself naked in the mirror- in horror.

The previews for Miracle Workers on ABC tonight

Extreme Makeover Home edition- that show always gets to me!

Gosh I watch a lot of TV huh? What the heck is wrong with me? Im an emotional wreck the last couple days. I used to have what I would call “break downs” but they wouldn’t happen but once every six months. Now it seems to be happening once a month!

I wasn’t sad all weekend; in fact I was in a pretty good mood for 90% of it. Just certain things start to pollute my brain and take over for a little bit until I snap myself out of it. I will admit that sometimes I sit and dwell too much on things that have happened in my past relationship- some of it I am still mad about. I know I need to let go of those things, but it sounds easier than it really is. Certain things still remind me, piss me off, and that will put me into a little spin of anger for a few minutes. Until I remember that I am in such a better place now, and finally with someone who loves me the way I want him to. I just hate that I wasted so many years on someone who didn’t love me at all. But there again, if I hadn’t have followed my ex to Denver, I would have never met the Lummox so I have to be thankful for that at least.

I think I just have way too much alone time right now. Too much time to think can sometimes be a bad thing. Moving back to Denver and in with Lummox will be a great thing for me. I know in a few years I won’t even think of these things at all, it will just take some more time...and lots of Midol.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Contemplations

2006-03-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

March 10
Contemplations

Well, I got through the day without killing anyone yesterday! Yay!
Big accomplishment, I know. I am feeling so much better today, but I’m sure in a couple days the rage will be back...I promise not to rant again- I was scary :) Thanks for making me feel normal though- its nice to know Im not the only one sometimes!

So the deal with the temp that I liked so much last week has changed hugely. I guess it really just was a lot of coincedenses and not a lot of solid connections. I think because I realized she does not have the same sense of humor as I do. I told her a couple of stories that I thought were really funny- and she turned up her nose at me in return and didn’t even crack a smile. I showed her my design for a tattoo I drew for myself, she scrunched up her nose and said good luck with that. She is a little too wholesome for me too. I am way too irresponsible for her I guess- since she has kids and is married she is way too regimented with school, girl scouts, and meetings. That’s one thing I don’t miss about not having kids yet-all the responsibility. (I know I know) All this aside from the fact that she talks incessantly... which I hate. Don’t get me wrong, I think she is a great person, a nice girl and its nice to know she’s in my neighborhood, but I don’t think Ill be having beers with her anytime soon (I don’t think she even drinks- gah!) But I f I want a nice wholesome recipe or girl scout cookies- I know where to go! So- back to being a hermit. (I can't wait to get back to my friends in CO!)

This weekend I think I will work on some projects I’ve been putting off. I don’t have to clean my house! I spent all last weekend cleaning like I had OCD and it paid off! Everything is still cleaned, and in its right place. I may still have to vacuum and do laundry as usual, but it sure feels good to go home to a clean house. (One day when I am married with children I hope to be able to be a stay at home mom so that I can keep my house clean for my family. It is a lot of work! ) So this weekend I think I will concentrate on getting the wedding pics all developed and put them into scrapbooks. And then there is the matter of the photos that haven’t been put into photo albums ever- I think I will sort through those and put them in scrapbooks too. I started doing this for my mom last year when I didn’t have a job, and it was actually sort of fun! I know, I’m crazy, but I love organizing things. Also, I think I will paint a bit. I started a painting for my parents, its all drawn out in pencil- I just need to paint in the color. I worked on my yard a bit last weekend with dad, he came over to help me mow and edge and it looks nice, but I still have a ton of weeds to get at. I started pulling them, but they just grow back. I think Ill stop by Home Depot and get some weed killer and grass food. I’m embarrassed of my front yard. *blush*

So far, it sounds like I have a busy weekend ahead of me. As long as I don’t have to clean the house...I am a happy camper. Have a great one!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

PMS Monster

2006-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

March 09
PMS Monster

Jenni has PMS today and she is scary
I am now a week away from my evil monthly visitor and I think that I may kill someone today. I can feel the fury welling up in my veins. Why do I feel like clenching my fists until my nails stick into my palms? I feel like gritting my teeth and clenching my fists, and screaming at the top of my lungs until I have no air left. Punching holes in the wall sounds like fun!

Everyone I have come in contact today has pissed me off to no end. Someone came in to ask me to order more toner for their printer. I suddenly had flashes of an alternate reality-I jump up and smash the fax machine over his head- and then calmly return to work as his stupid lifeless body bleeds all over the floor in my office. Flash back to reality- he is still standing in front of my desk- oh are you still here, sure Ill order your printer cartridge you friggin lazy bastard- oh sorry did I say that out loud?

The temp that I liked so much last week is incessantly talking my ear off and I have stopped paying attention. I just nod my head and push out a word here and there, but I have no clue what she is dribbling about now. For the love of god just stop talking! Leave me alone your stories are mind-numbing and your squeaky voice is piercing my brain. My ears are going to start bleeding soon. I just want silence.
Why are people so annoying?

Don’t they know that I am having PMS?

Don’t they know the world revolves around me?

They should be kissing my ass today, mainly so that I won’t sneak up on them on their lunch breaks and strangle them with their phone cords. Speaking of phones, how come I am the only one who answers the effing phone in this place? Does no one else have the capability of moving their arms to pick up the goddamn thing but me? Apparently not! Gah!

My boobs are so swollen I’m pretty sure they may explode by the end of the day. I have become hypersensitive to sounds; wait what’s that? I think I can hear Timmy calling for Lassie with his dog whistle. I am so bloated today that my stomach hangs over the stupid low rise jeans I am wearing when I sit down- Attractive. I’m sure this is what they were picturing when they designed these jeans. (What a stupid idea low rise jeans are- unless you are Kate Moss you have a tummy pooch and these jeans just accentuate it.) I have a fever blister the size of Texas on my bottom lip so I started talking like that guy from Fat Albert. If I do end up killing someone by the end of the day, it may be from fright.
Dear god, please kill me now.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Just Like Heaven

2006-03-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

March 06
Just Like Heaven

Back then we would sit in our separate areas in the office, and IM each other throughout the day. Most days we were both miserable in our separate relationships, we were good for each other in comforting ways and it would take the sting out of the misery I was in. He would always tell me I was his sunshine. Sometimes he would add that I was the center of his universe even though his girlfriend probably should have been. I liked that.

Let’s run away- I would say
That sounds good- he would reply
Where shall we go? - Id ask
Lets get married, k? he would add
Then we should go to Vegas- Id say
K...you are my sunshine, did you know this? - He would ask

I did know that, and I loved it. I loved talking to him, reality seemed to slip away for those few hours in our day, and all seemed right in the world- An escape.
Back then I would have never imagined we would actually be together one day, especially after the hell I put him through. In the back of my mind I knew I was taking him for granted, but I couldn’t see past my own denial, and the bad relationship I was in. We were both miserable, in our own lives and relationships. We shared some very intimate moments for a brief time one summer, but I wouldn’t let him get too close. I knew he loved me and we both knew we were right for each other; I just wouldn’t let it happen. I was so selfish. I left him alone when he needed me. For a long time I kept him at arms length. I wanted him to love me- only me, and I knew he always would- Even though I wasn’t giving anything in return. I know I hurt him in a lot of ways, he would still tell me I was the center of his universe after it all though. Turns out I was the one making his life miserable.

I have stopped asking myself why I did that to him or how he could possibly still love me after all that I put him through. I just know that I love him for it. He never brings it up in a bad way, he just waited for me. He is my rock. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. I can’t imagine how I could never see that he was the only one for me. I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. I love feeling like this... it’s just like heaven.
Let’s run away, ok?.......
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Coinkadinks

2006-03-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

March 03
Coinkadinks

I have a new girlfriend!
The last couple weeks at work have been really hectic so we decided we could use the help of a temp agency. Last week tempgirl walked through our doors and had been working off and on all week until my co-worker went on vacation last Thursday. Tempgirl had been pretty talkative to me, mostly about her dog- we both have black labs so she was asking me for a lot of advice. No problem, I don’t mind chatty people, mostly because I’m pretty quiet. My co- worker was annoyed by her chattiness and even went so far as to tell tempgirl that she liked her quiet time at work, and basically made her feel like she didn’t want to talk to her. Mean. I knew I liked her the day she came in wearing a t-shirt with Cartman from South Park on it that read “What are you looking at?” She is sooo- my kind of people. She’s not stuck up, not fake, and is really down to earth. When my co-worker went on vacation tempgirl and I had some time to bond.

I moved her from her isolation in the huge conference room into the office with me, so that we could work and chat. It turns out that we have a LOT in common. It is almost freaky the things that we have in common, to the point that we think we were separated at birth.

We are both the same age- 32 but we are both very childlike, and have young spirits. We are both artists- she sells her paintings on eBay however- something I might want to look into. tempgirl and I both moved to TX to get away from bad relationships. Both her husband and my boyfriend have the same first name! (No she doesn’t call him a lummox though) We both love classic cars, and her hubby rebuilds cars a lot to sell them. We both have black labs, and even our mothers have the same first name! We share a love for everything 80’s, and have shared our CD collections this week at work. We have listened to everything from Donna Summer to Lisa Lisa and New Edition, it has been a blast.

Yesterday, we drove together in my car to pick up some lunch and we started chatting about traffic in the mornings around the areas we both live. It started to sound like she drove the same way to work as I did, hmm. It turns out...get this...
She lives 6 houses down from me on the same street!
NO WAY!

It’s nice to finally have a friend that I can actually feel comfortable with. Most of the girls here are super stuck up, and snotty. Most of them wear 8 gallons of makeup, have their nails and hair done weekly, and wear designer clothes and bling bling. Not me. I don’t feel the need for that kind of life. I have better things to do than shop all the time for the latest Gucci or Coach purses. It seems that way at least, about the girls here- until I met tempgirl . Thank god, finally a girl I can actually like for the right reasons. She is not over the top like most of the girls I’ve met here.

Another reason I miss Colorado is because people seem more down to earth there. People are different here. There is the group of people; mostly they are the ranch people who have lived here for generations that are the nicest people. I think that because we live in more of a city here in Austin, there are more of the rich upper class people that I do not like. It has been hard to make friends here too. I’ve met a lot of people that I call friends, but no one I could say I actually genuinely get along with 100%. I guess it gets that way as you get older? It’s harder to make friends because people are already set in their groups of friends. Even I have a certain set of friends still in Colorado, and it took me about 4 or 5 years to build the friendships I have there.

It feels very comforting to finally have made a friend here, after almost 2 years. Also to finally know someone in my neighborhood is a good thing. I just wish she was working here full time! Ill miss her when we don’t need her help anymore. Id much rather have her working here everyday than the other girls I work with.
Hey, maybe I can talk my boss into hiring her part time....hmmm.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Don't go to sleep

2006-02-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

February 28
Don't go to sleep

I had the scariest dream last night!
I don’t have terrifying dreams too often so when I do it really gets to me and this one was FAH REAKY (that’s freaky in valley girl) Okay, this gets a little bad at one point so read at your own risk. Remember- it’s only a dream.

I often have dreams about old old houses. Sometimes the house is abandoned but still has all the original things in it that the original owners left behind. Sometimes it is a hidden room that has been preserved with the old things inside still. This dream was a mixture of both of those themes.

In my dream I am in a house with two girls, I don’t recognize them when I think back, but in the dream they were my friends. We had discovered this old house with all the original furniture inside. There was even clothing still hanging in the closets, bedding on all the beds, and looked as if it had been very lived in once, a long long time ago. Today the things inside would be considered antiques, so we were fascinated with the things we found. There were rooms that had obviously been inhabited by children, toys and tiny bedroom sets filled the rooms. Everything was covered in inches of dust, and the windows were boarded shut. We began cleaning. The dream is in small bits, and I am in different places in the house in quick, sudden movements as if there are pieces of the dream missing but fit back together.
Suddenly I am looking up a staircase to the attic door. I like the way old houses have actual staircases built up to the attics, and not the pull down ladders we have in houses today. I can see my friends up there rummaging around and more treasures to look at. I am excited to see what they have found as I walk up the creaky steps. The second I get to the top I am filled with an awful feeling and take a big breath of air into my lungs as something comes up the stairs behind me in a gust of wind. As if it was a tornado it picks up my body and throws me down the stairs to the bottom. I am still taking in air to my lungs the whole time and I have a tickle in my stomach, the kind you get on roller coasters. When I hit the bottom and look back up the steps I suddenly feel as if something huge and heavy is dropped onto my chest and all the air I had in my lungs was pushed out violently and I am filled with anger and hatred. All of a sudden that anger has boiled up in me and I begin to fly up the stairs into the faces of my friends who had been watching from the top of the stairs. I could feel myself wanting to kill them and I am bearing my teeth and screaming a low guttural sound. It was as if I was possessed. I had so much anger in me that it lifted me and allowed me to gush up the stairs in a blast of wind. That was scary. As soon as I was thrust back up into the attic, whatever it was inside me left, and I was dropped to the floor.

Then I was being seduced by a man that was in the house. I don’t know where he came from, but I had this awful feeling that I did not want to make him mad. I did whatever he said, and played along as if I truly liked him so he wouldn’t kill me. He took me to another room in the house that had been cleaned. There was a huge four poster bed, and a set of tiny twin beds in the room. The window had been opened and the curtains were blowing in the freezing air. The room was all white with small accents of red embroidery on the bedding. He had taken off all his clothing and was kissing me hard, but I couldn’t feel his face. He was instructing me to strip, but I turned to close the door and knocked his suitcase a bit. This angered him and he grabbed me by the upper arms and brought me to him again. He was awful and I just wanted to get away from him. He made me do some sexual things to him and then as quickly as he was there he was gone. I still had all my clothes on and the wind had stopped. I noticed his suitcase was gone and one of the girls came into the room. At this point I am kneeling on the floor in front of the bed so she doesn’t see me. I feel exhausted, emotionally and physically and I can not find the strength to speak or move. The girl walks to the window to shut it and when she gets closer she ignites into flames. She is obviously freaking out and running around, but I am not panicking because in my mind she will be fine, it is just a figment of her imagination. But I can not get myself up off the floor to calm her. She is running around trying to get out of the room and her face begins to melt. Our other friend comes to the door and lets her out and knows it isn’t real, but she needs to catch her because she wants to throw herself down the stairs. I finally gain the strength to get up and we push the girl into another room and lock her in until she calms down. As I am locking the door I turn to the other girl in the hallway and she is glaring at me with the most evil face and her teeth begin to grow long and sharp, and her skin begins to slowly melt off her face.
And then I wake up.

Gaaaaaah! What the heck was that? I couldn’t get back to sleep after I woke up from that dream last night. I even went as far as to get a teddy bear to sleep with! Winnie the Pooh did a great job of keeping me safe the rest of the night. I couldn’t make Cody get up on the bed with me- the one night I need him to, and he wants to be on the floor! Dang it, I hate scary dreams.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

I'm not fat I'm Rubenesque

2006-02-24T19:36:00.000-08:00

February 24
I'm not fat I'm Rubenesque

I’m having a fat day.
After looking through all the pictures from the wedding, I feel extremely fat. It’s weird how your perspective changes when you see yourself in pictures. You know? You get reaady in front of a mirror image of yourself, and you think you look great. Then the film gets developed.

Before the wedding I felt okay about my body, I’ve lost some weight since I first got here. I even went down a couple of sizes from a 12 to a 10. I stopped drinking beer so much, and cut out a lot of carbs. I have never been one to exercise, but I am fine with having a soft womanly figure. So why is there still a huge pocket of fat under my chin?

I have a double chin!

How do you exercise the fat off your face? I am not aware of any face exercises- if there are PLEASE send them to me and my chin.

Great. I’m stuck with a huge goiter under my face.

Why is it that I have a great butt, great legs, okay arms, and I’m not overly fat everywhere else but my upper body and face are fat? I hate it! In almost all the pictures I have this huge roll of fat strapped under my jaw line- do I even have a jaw line anymore? No I don’t! It’s covered in flab!

Ick!

How come I see all those people on TV or larger women in magazines that are way bigger than me, but have no double chin? Is it just me?

I don’t eat like a pig- I don’t eat breakfast, I eat a normal sized lunch, and normally a small dinner. I don’t eat sweets much anymore, and randomly eat fast food but not a lot. What am I doing wrong? I think I eat like a normal person, but why do I store fat in weird places on my body?

Ugh. I need to figure out how to pose for pictures now, so that my chunky double chin is not so prominent. Gee, I can’t wait to see the professional pictures...Not. I was really looking forward to getting those, but now I’m dreading them. Maybe I could pay them extra to airbrush out my double chin! I wonder if I still have time to call them....
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Something to look forward to

2006-02-23T19:35:00.000-08:00

February 23
Something to look forward to

I am moving back to Denver in September
Lummox and I have been talking for a while about the thought of me moving back to Denver. If I did I would be moving in with him in Thornton. Eeeeeeeee! Just the thought of that excites me and makes my heart race. The thought of moving in with him and taking it another step forward is so exhilarating to me. We have this incredible dynamic when we are together. The second I saw him when he arrived in Michigan, all the bickering and arguing we had done just evaporated and was gone for good. We are doing well with the long distance thing, but its time to move on from this, because we are fabulous when we are together. I don’t feel complete when we are apart.
I’m so anxious to get back to Colorado; I miss it a lot also. I guess I’m not a Texas girl after all. I miss the snow, and seeing it for the first time in almost 2 years while we were in Michigan made me miss it more! I miss having all four seasons, and since autumn is my favorite month Colorado is the perfect place for fall beauty. Texas is too hot for me, I’m fair skinned and I guess I am more sensitive to the heat than most. I haven’t really felt like I fit in here since I got here in august of ’04. The older you get, the harder it is to make real friends and I have made a couple friends through work- but no one in particular that I’d call a great friend. Mom and Dad have been super; probably the only time I really get out is to go spend time with them. It will be nice to have a companion, to share my time with.
I was talking to my sister on the phone last night and something interesting came up. We are both in long distance relationships now, she is in MI and he is still in school in Dallas, TX. We talked about the possibility that she and I are more used to being apart for longer periods of time because of the way we grew up. I probably have less of a problem with being apart from Lummox than he does, because I am more conditioned to it. Growing up in a NAVY family I guess you get used to the absence of geographical closeness to family and friends since there is constant movement, and dad was always “on cruise” somewhere around the world. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, I for one know that is a very true statement- but I think now I’m at the point where I’ve had enough of the distance.

(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

wedding weekend

2006-02-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

A series of fortunate events

Michigan is COLD!
Well, we all got back to our normal lives yesterday. The wedding was a blast, the days before were a little rushed but it is to be expected. Unless you’ve been involved in a wedding, you don’t realize how much detail actually goes into the whole thing. I never imagined what all is involved in planning a wedding, its crazy! Here’s the series of events I went through personally this weekend:
Pick up dress-shoes- accessories- wrap- after alterations have been made
Research speech and quotes for the toast after dinner
Shop for and pack emergency wedding day kit for three bridesmaids-mothers-and bride
Plan bachelorette party-send out invitations-buy gift-buy decorations
Pack clothes and shoes enough for weekend
Take shuttle to airport and get on plane
Austin to Houston to Detroit to Flint to Lapeer
Meet one of the bridesmaids and her mother at airport to be picked up by dad
Check into room
Unpack dress from suitcase because I could not take it onto the plane with me to be hung
Have a beer
Have dinner with Sarah, mom, dad, bridesmaid and her mother
Listen to the thunderstorm outside and have another beer
Go back to room to tie ribbons around 100+ home made CD’s for thank you gifts to guests
Have another beer
Download music player and find music for slideshow
Bed at 2AM after talking to Sarah

Wake at 10am to visit florist with mom, dad, Sarah
Last look at bouquets, corsages, boutonnières, and decorations
Stop at Wal-Mart for frames, candles, and last minute decorations
Go to grooms parents house to load up on decorations for reception and wedding dress
Go to hotel to load up on more decorations
Mom and Sarah off to decorate for reception while dad and I stay at hotel
Try downloading music for slideshow and discover it will not work
Huff and puff
Talk to a lummox on the phone who tells me his plane is delayed an hour
Huff and puff
Have a sandwich with dad
Guests begin arriving and stopping by hotel room to chat
Steam, and iron dress and wrap
Decorate hotel suite for bachelorette party
Stock room with champagne, beer, and snacks
Wrap gift
Dress and do hair and makeup for rehearsal dinner
Go to church for rehearsal and walk through
Drop off dress- shoes- wrap in dressing room of church
Go to restaurant for rehearsal dinner
Chat and meet people
Have glass of wine and take pictures
Sit down for dinner- still no Lummox
Ordering dinner- Lummox calls from hotel
Hand off phone to someone else who knows directions to give Lummox
Eat dinner- drink more wine- wait for Lummox
Toasts- laughter- good food- good wine- slide show
Desert arrives just as Lummox pulls up
Rejoice- run outside with no jacket to greet Lummox
Defrost
Announce the Lummox’s arrival- rejoicing
Introduce Lummox to everyone I could remember the names of
More chatting and wine and desert
Drive away with the Lummox to hotel
Run to hotel room to finish decorating for bachelorette party
Put on pajamas
Chat with guests who begin arriving
Invite Lummox to go hang out with my dad in his hotel room
Pop champagne- throw Mardigras beads at people
Call around to find out where the heck my sister is
Sarah arrives and there is much rejoicing
Champagne- funny gifts- laughter- yawns
People leave and Sarah and I go to bed but don’t go to sleep until 3AM
Somewhere in there I went to the Lummox’s room for a visit

Wedding day:
Wake up 10 AM for shower
Girls get their hair done as I blow out, and straighten my hair for 2 hours
Primp in hotel suite- sip on champagne and OJ
Makeup- jewelry – last minute touches to hair
Leave for church
Put on dress- shoes for photos – primp
Laughter- excitement- tears- mascara- photos
Hang out- more photos- guests begin arriving- heart rate goes up
Lummox arrives in gorgeous suit- drool
Line up for our walk down the isle
Giggle- and whisper- adjust- and primp
The harpist begins music as mothers light the candles
Bridesmaids walk to the front and stand in pre-determined places
Sarah and dad walk down the isle- tears begin
Sarah and Nathan are married- kiss- rejoice!
Follow them down the isle with our best men- and rejoice as the ceremony is closed
Run and hide so that guests do not tackle us
After church is empty more photos
Gather belongings and go outside into the arctic wind for more photos in front of the church
Run to the limousine to defrost
Drink a lot of beer as we drive around wasting time before reception
Laughter- pictures- beer- laughter
Arrive at reception and light sparklers to hold as Sarah and Nathan get out of Limo
Deejay announces our names as we arrive
Sit at head table as the cake is cut
Dinner is served
Dad begins emceeing the evening and begins crying- chain reaction
Hands off microphone to me- a red blabbering crying idiot who can’t talk
My toast is ripped to shreds as I try and find the words I was supposed to say, but instead say something completely different
Cry more- forget to toast- laugh and hug my sister- feel embarrassment
Kick myself as I listen to the best mans toast- calm and collected he was
Drink lots of wine
Take Sarah to the bathroom to hold her dress
Drink lots of wine
Dance with the best man and then the Lummox- sigh- we are good dancers together
Cry with mom as Sarah dances with my dad
Snap lots of pictures
Gather for the bouquet toss- lose it to a jealous amazon woman- huff and puff
Dance a LOT
Drink a LOT
Kiss the Lummox a LOT
Hold sparklers for Sarah and Nathan as they leave
Drive to hotel with the Lummox
Bed at 3AM

Wake at 1045 hung over
Go back to hotel suite to clean up after bachelorette party and messes
Re-Pack and head back to Lummox’s room
Switch hotel rooms
Take a nap
Wake as Lummox gets back from shopping
Lazy day lunch
Gift opening party at grooms parents house
Chili- beer- laughing- gift opening
Back to hotel
A drink with parents and friends
Back to Lummox’s room
Watch a movie- drink some beers- talk- snuggle
Bed at 2AM

Wake late and watch Lummox pack
Get sad
Walk Lummox to front desk and check out of room
Get sadder
Kiss Lummox goodbye
Kiss Lummox goodbye
Kiss Lummox goodbye
Return to mom and dads room
Pack car and check out
Meet Sarah and Nathan in their suite and help them pack
Go to lunch- and say good-bye to the newlyweds
Drive to airport
Get on plane
Lapeer-Flint-Detroit-Memphis- Austin
Wait for parent’s flight to arrive- and wait and wait
Parent’s flight arrives an hour and 15 mins late
Take shuttle to parking lot
Have a burger and fries with mom and dad
Arrive home at midnight
Text message Lummox
Bed

Whew- now I need a vacation!

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Goin' to the Chapel

2006-02-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

February 15
Goin' to the Chapel

I can't believe my sisters wedding is already here!
I think it just hit me- MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!! Oh mah gaaahhh! I think I've been so busy planning for it, that I haven't stopped to think about it. Cheese and Rice, that snuck up on me fast!
Dad called this afternoon, to tell me they had arrived in Michigan and told me there was a two bag minimum and I would not be able to hang up my dress on the plane- total bummer. Ill have to cram it into my garment bag and have it pressed when I get there. Thank goodness I bought a steamer to bring! I still have some major packing to do- if my laundry ever gets finished.
I dropped Cody off this afternoon at the boarding kennel. He loves going there- and he got so excited when we got there he jumped up on the reception counter with his front paws like he was a little hairy person waiting to sign himself in. He pulled so hard on his leash that he threw up all over the reception area floor too- that was fun. Im sure it happens all the time, so I wasnt embarassed. I didnt get to kiss him goodbye though- he took off with one of the vets as soon as I let go of his leash *sigh* Ill miss him this weekend.
I'm excited to see Lummox, but I just hope he will understand its kind of a family weekend and I may not have the time for him that he wants. It is super great that he is flying in for the wedding though- it means a lot to me and it will mean a ton to my family that he went out of his way to come. A few family friends are coming he will get to meet, and this will be the first time he meets my sister and Nathan! After all these years, hes never met her- thats weird.
I think I'm pretty much ready to go aside from a shower and a little more packing. The Super shuttle will be here at 7:15am tomorrow to take me to the airopuerto. Nails done-check, got my dress and shoes- check, camera and extra memory card- check, warm clothes cause its going to be in the single digits-brrrr, speech ....CRAP! What am I going to say? I need to find some quotes I guess. I think Im going to say "Sarah, my greatest wish for you has always been for you to find happiness. Today that wish has come true. Nathan take care of my little sister. I love you both" That will have to be good enough. Ill probably start wailing and crying anyway. There will be lots of champagne drinking done by yours truly, I can tell you that right now!
Well- Im off to Michigan! See you on Tuesday! I still can't believe my little sister is geting married. Really? Married? Wow.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Where the heck am I?

2006-02-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

Where the heck am I?

The blog is causing controversy in Jenni Land
(and this entry will cause more I’m sure)
First off, I’m getting kind of annoyed right now at people close to me- friends and family- who read my blog. Before I invited anyone I knew into my blog, things were perfect, I could get my feelings out, frustrations and anxieties about my life without worry. Now that my parents are reading, and Lummox reads religiously every day (even reads all the comments I get from readers) I feel like I can’t be myself without hurting someone’s feelings in one way or another. If I write that my parents are embarrassing me- mom gets all up in a tizzy that I’m hurting her “to the soul”. If I write something innocently (innocent in my mind at least) or it is worded in a certain way that can be misinterpreted Lummox gets his feelings crushed and my motives are questioned.

I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and can only write about a specific set of things now. All eyes are on me and I feel pressure. What started out as a place for me to go by myself, a therapeutic place for me to write, has completely changed. It has turned into an uncomfortable place where I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make everyone else happy. Can anyone else tell you that your feelings, good or bad, are wrong?

It is a hard thing to explain to the people you are close to- that you don’t write for anyone but yourself- although it is out there for anyone and everyone in the world to read on the internet. Now I feel like shutting my friends and family off from any access to reading here. I’m even considering an alternate blog altogether to write my real frustrations so they don’t get their feelings hurt- because I can't tell them, especially my parents EVERYTHING that’s on my mind. But the more I try and explain- the more they just don’t understand. Why do I write my personal life for everyone in the world to see, but can’t share these things with them? I don’t write for everyone else, I write for me and only me. I know that sounds selfish- it is what it is.

What happened to this place being mine? It was MY place to go to write my feelings, and if random people wanted to read- great- that doesn’t bother me- I don’t have to see them every day, and feel guilty for writing something because I don’t personally know 99% of my readers. But it does bother me when people I am close to decide to put their two cents in- it changes everything. It changes the whole atmosphere of it being my thoughts on paper, it transforms into a group project and that isn’t what I want- Its mine. Shouldn’t it be that since I am allowing them a glimpse into my life, they should appreciate that for what it is and keep their opinions to themselves? That is how I’m beginning to feel. This is MY place- I don’t care if they look- just don’t touch and don’t make me feel guilty for writing from my heart. I’m not going to censor myself anymore.

I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a place I don’t like being. I feel like I can’t do anything right, and I definitely feel like I’m not writing from my true self here anymore because people I am close to are reading. This has become a big dilemma to me. I want my private time back. I don’t know where to go from here- and I hate it.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

My Favorite Valentine

2006-02-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

My Favorite Valentine

February 14, 2006
Dear Daddy,
Eleven years ago today I got a letter from you in the mail. You may not know this but every year since then I get that letter out and read it to myself on Valentines Day. It means so much to me to hear those nice things that you wrote, and to remember that you love me unconditionally and are proud of me.

You have always been the perfect valentine, sending me cards, candy and flowers every year without missing a beat. That makes me know that you are my number one fan, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I look up to the love you have given to sarah and I , and the way you love mom. Whoever I marry will have a lot to live up to. You have been my guiding light, and have been there for me whenever I have needed you, without question. You are my hero, and will always be my SuperDad. I love you daddy. Happy Valentines Day.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. your loving daughter- jenni

Bad boys, bad boys...

2006-02-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

Bad boys, bad boys...

Last night I got my very own personal Cops episode! Yay!
I live in the ghetto...okay I’m exaggerating a little. But to be as politically correct as I can, I will say the neighborhood I live in is probably not the safest for a single white girl to be. And I will start out by saying my neighbors are good and nice people. That’s why I still feel a little guilty about calling the cops on one of them last night.

I got into bed at ten-ish and noticed some voices coming from the sidewalk outside. Now, normally I would have just put in earplugs and gone to sleep, but the voices were not just talking in a normal tone. They were yelling. I am not a confrontational person by nature, so it takes a lot for me to go and tell someone to keep it down. Cody was even bothered they were talking so loud. So I took Cody with me and we went into the back yard adjacent to the sidewalk and I yelled to them “Excuse me? Excuse me...can you please keep it down?” I am in my pajamas and it is raining mind you, but I felt safe behind the 6 foot fence. They were still yelling, they just weren’t hearing me. So I moved closer to the fence and yelled again, but this time I made sure it was loud. “Hey!!! Can you guys be quiet? I’m trying to sleep!!!” I could see one of them, through the fence and he seemed agitated, but the voices still did not stop! Maybe since they were talking over me, they just didn’t hear me or care to hear me. So I decided to go back into the house and confront them face to face at my front door. Now I’m fuming. I forget that I’m just in my pajamas, and I flip on the porch light and step out onto my front porch with my arms crossed in my best mad woman position.

“Hey!!!” I yelled again...this time louder than I think I’ve heard myself before....
Now, in my mind there are three guys out on the sidewalk talking. What I found was frightening. The voices were coming from the mouth of ONE very large, very strung out man with no shirt and no shoes out in the cold rain. He was moving back and forth from my front lawn to the sidewalk speaking in tongues. His body seemed to move in ways not natural to the human body, contorting, and twitching faster than it took my brain to realize he was probably on drugs.

When he finally heard me after the third or fourth scream from me, he stood upright suddenly from his bizarre crooked posture and looked right at me in silence. His eyes were pitch black, and glassy, the stare sent chills through my soul.
“Praise Jesus....” he sighed in one huge breath, and placed the palms of his hands together.

It was then I decided it was probably not a good idea to be outside in my pajamas with this man. I wasn’t there to save him, and I sure as heck did not want him thinking I was going to. As I finished locking all the bolts on my front door I could hear him continue his mad ranting and strange tweaking dance in my front yard. I decided I needed to call the police.

Now girls- listen to me- find out the number to your local sheriffs dispatch, or the local non- emergency line and write it somewhere you can find it when you need it. I wasn’t in my calm, collected mind and I could not for the life of me find that number last night! I got on the phone immediately to my safe place- My Lummox. Thank god for him, I think I might have gone crazy if it weren’t for his composure, he looked up the number on the internet. Why I couldn’t think of that instead of sifting through the yellow pages is beyond me, but I was a little bit freaked out.
I got the number and called, explaining there was a crazy person on my front lawn and to send a car by immediately. I went and sat on my stairs and watched out the front window while I called Lummox back. He kept me calm while I watched mister peculiar get into a car that had been parked nearby. It was raining out and the man, who apparently had the keys to the car, got in and opened the sunroof and rolled down all the windows. I could see his hands jump out of the sunroof waving every so often, and could see that he was still jerking and twitching around as he sat in the car.

Finally about ten minutes later a police car drove by shining a bright light around the area, and then another police car came in. Good. Still on the phone with Lummox, I went upstairs to get a sweatshirt incase the cops wanted me to come out or talk to me. From my bedroom window I could see the whole thing, and decided to stay there to watch. The man was still in his car, with the seat leaned all the way back and appeared to be passed out or sleeping. Three police officers were around the car, shining their flashlights in on him and yelling for him to tell them his name. He did not respond, and was finally motionless for a few seconds.

Suddenly he bolted upright and the police officers jumped back and guns were drawn as the man continued his contortions in the car for them. At the second he jolted awake his hands went up and out of the sunroof again, and something was thrown from the car. They got him calmed down and began searching his car. They found a gun under the passenger side seat that was placed on the roof of the car by one of the officers, and some drug paraphernalia. He was cuffed and arrested while the officers talked to some of my neighbors, and searched the lawn for what he had thrown. And still on the phone with Lummox, I’m describing the whole scene. The police asked my neighbors to move the car off the street, so they must have known him. The whole thing from start to finish happened so quickly, probably about 45 minutes. I was happy the police responded so quickly and efficiently. That makes me feel a little safer.

Lummox was so great, and kept me calm through the whole thing and afterwards for a while so I could calm my nerves. He made me feel so much better. I love him.
For the rest of the night, instead of having to listen to a crazy man’s angry outbursts- it was traded for the sound of an engine that just would not turn over. I finally put earplugs in at 1:30am and went to sleep. The man’s car was gone this morning so they must have gotten the engine fixed sometime in the night. I’m not sure what noise was more annoying, but I finally felt safe.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

I've been Crowned

2006-02-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

I've been Crowned

I need your help
Since I've been crowned Maid of Honor by my loving sister for her wedding on the 18th, I have a certain set of duties. To organize her bachelorette party, to keep everything running smoothly on the wedding day, to create a wedding day emergency kit, and the one I'm most scared of is the toast. I have no idea what to say! She is my sister and I love her and all that mushy stuff, but I want to keep it short and sweeet because I hate being in the spotlight. I have never been good at speeches, even in front of people I've been around for most of my life! I have absolutely no clue what to say. I've been to many weddings, but the maid of honor is always a best friend who rambles on and on about their friendship, and I don't want to do that. I need a great couple of sentences that are short but enough to bring a tear to her eye and a smile to everyones face. Can you guys help me? I need some ideas.
ps- thanks for the encouragement in my embarassing time of need from yesterday. I have added a comment to the entry in regards to a couple of your suggestions. Thanks a bunch you guys! You all rock!
off to shop for the wedding day emergency kit!
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Oh the horror of it all

2006-02-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

Oh the horror of it all

I just want to die.
Thank god there wasn’t more alcohol in my house last night when I got home to hide from the embarrassment I had just endured. One beer just didn’t seem like it was enough, but it would have to do. Let me explain.
I know my parents love me, don’t get me wrong, they are entitled to that. But do they have to share every bit of my personal life with their friends???!!!! My mother is best friends with her neighbors, one of them just so happens to be MY BOSS. Great. This makes for some pretty uncomfortable situations at work when my personal life comes into play. Mom will say something and suddenly the topic at work is “oh Jenni has a boyfriend?” which, I will admit, is much more comfortable to talk about than the year I was single when everyone was trying to hook me up left and right. Yesterday was one of those days I just wanted to crawl under my desk in humiliation.
The day started out great, good comments on my blog here at the Jenni Chronicles, and I noticed a couple of hits from the link on my art blog. So someone had been reading my entries here, and had come from my art blog- fine. Then I started to wonder who was reading all of my entries yesterday- someone was reading from the beginning- and I was fine with that too. And then the horror began.
My boss walks into my office and tells me “..so I saw your little website today..”
That was unpleasant.
If you had a camera on me at that moment I would pay top dollar for the footage.
“...your parents sent me and (her husband) the link...”
I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks, and my pupils dilated as I tried to find my voice.
What site? I asked her.
Your pictures and stuff, she replied.
OMG.

Suddenly I was reduced to a seven year old standing in the kitchen with one of my moms friends commenting on the finger painting stuck to the fridge with alphabet magnets. I was mortified. I literally felt like shrinking away into the corner.
Ugh...why do my parents do these things to me? What are they thinking? I know they are proud, and wanted to gush to everyone about the art I have displayed there, but they don’t understand she is my boss. They probably weren’t thinking. My professional integrity is on the line, and I really don’t like being put on display, especially at work. Being put on exhibit to people who don’t know me, is fine- I don’t have to face them every day- but your boss reading every aspect of your personal life? -There is a huge difference there.
I took the link off the art blog, so hopefully if they were linking here, they won’t anymore...please god I hope they haven’t read more than they should have. It took me a really long time to brave up to putting my art online for public viewing because one bad critique would kill me. I almost pulled it last night after the comment from my boss. I don’t know when I will get over the embarrassment of this but what am I supposed to do now?
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni the humiliated

Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

2006-02-07T19:29:00.000-08:00

February 02
Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

It’s hard dating your best friend

I will be the first to admit that it is hard. You know people always tell you, find your best friend and marry them. And I am still all for it, since I am doing just that- minus the marrying part yet anyway. But I will tell you it takes a lot of work, just like any other relationship does, this is just a little different.

Before, when we were just friends, I would go to him when I was arguing with my boyfriend, to get another point of view. What do I do now? If I get into a little tiff with him, and I say to myself- he isn’t getting me, I need to talk to my best friend- oh wait, it’s the same person now and I can’t get an outsiders view on things anymore. I mean I have friends I could talk to about things, but it isn’t the same as telling him- my best friend- because he gets me. It’s all so confusing! I’m sure he feels a little of the same way.

I do find myself in a strange place though, if we argue I suddenly begin building this icy wall around me. I don’t know where that comes from- in the relationship with him I’ve never done that before, before when we were just friends. Its not that I’m pulling away from him at all, it’s like a protection from myself. If I step back and shut up, I can’t make things worse. And I know that is totally wrong of me, but that’s what has been happening. Suddenly the last few days I’ve been the ice queen, cold and distant, and I know he’s noticed. I don’t know what to do to get out of the wall though. I think I’m waiting for him to tell me everything is okay. It’s not a situation of anger, and I know he isn’t mad in any way towards me- it’s more like he has been fumbling in his confidence lately- and that makes me feel stuck.

How do you convince someone that you love them unconditionally when they constantly question things? I don’t know what to do in that situation, for some reason it stops me in my tracks and I freeze up! I’m afraid that I will say the wrong thing, because this is the one relationship I definitely do not want to ruin, so it ends up with me being short or quiet so he can’t read between lines that aren’t there. And again, I know that is wrong of me, I just don’t know how to fix it.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Battle of the bridesmaid bulge

2006-01-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

January 30
Battle of the bridesmaid bulge

It’s that time again- Time to start a diet.
I had my dress fitting this weekend for Sarah’s wedding, and the dress fit nicely however- the material is such that I cannot wear any underwear without it showing. I had planned on wearing a corset or a bustier but the material shows anything that I’m wearing underneath it! I talked to the seamstress and she is going to put some padding in the “boobage” area of the dress for me...It’s gonna be one cold wedding! The only thing I’m worried about now is the area around my belly button. It’s a tad pudgy and it shows through my dress, unless I suck it in a little. So I decided that for the next three weeks I’m going to go on a strict diet. An apple or applesauce for breakfast, tuna or chicken salad with no mayo for lunch with a hard boiled egg for a snack, and then (I know this sounds weird) a bowl of special K and 1% milk for dinner. Add that to lots of water and the sit ups and pushups I’ve been doing and I think I’ll be good to go. I’m sure I’ll make a couple variations of this too. I just have to stay away from the fast food sandwiches that are so tempting to grab at lunchtime. I mean I’m not a nutritionist but that should be enough for me to lose a little weight right? I might add a few mugs of hot green tea to my day too- hot liquids make you feel full and take away the urge to snack. One of my other goals on my to do list is to keep my house clean...which means I cannot get lazy and leave things in the sink, or laundry out anywhere, that should keep me busy and my heart rate up for a bit longer each day after my exercises. Another thing I need to do is practice walking in my heels. Else I’ll be falling down the isle instead of gracefully gliding like bridesmaids are supposed to do. Ugh...I can’t wait for all this to be over.

Creative Soul

2006-01-28T19:28:00.000-08:00

January 28
Creative Soul

I have multiple personalities.
Tonight I sat down and wrote out all the things I want to accomplish. I guess you could call it a "to do" list of projects etc. One of the things on the list was to create another blog site for my artwork and photography. I've been wanting to do this since college, so this was something that was pushed to the top of the list because ofits length of residency in my brain. It felt really great to get it all set up today. I set up a new hotmail account for the sole purpose of the alternate blog. And with that, I dragged out all of my art portfolios from the closet of my office slash studio and scattered their contents all over the room. In doing this I discovered that this was bringing up a side of me that somewhere along the line, I pushed aside. Another side of my personality, and I believe this is my original personality, was the artsy side of me.

I like that about me- I am artistic, and I love everything and anything that has to do with art. I enjoy art history, I enjoy researching art, I enjoy getting my hands dirty and drawing, painting, illustrating anything that has anything to do with art- that is me. How come I pushed this aside? From the looks of it, I had a great time with it from high school through college and I have an amazing collection of artwork and photography just sitting in my closet gathering dust.

So tonight as I was sifting through the piles of original artowrks and projects from college, I decided that I want to get back to that side of me, that alternate personality that I so instinctively go back to when I want to be creative. I have brought out the creative writing side of myself in the last year or so, but have somehow lost the artistic part of me that feeds the urge to paint and draw and illustrate...to create. I love painting- its a form of expression that not a lot of people can understand.*(the expression, not the art) You can transform your emotions into vibrant color, into something more than one dimentional- into something palpable.

For the Lummox this last Christmas, I gave him a painting. You can not imagine how great it felt to actually get something down on paper. He had taken a photo of a scene of deconstruction that contained just the right elements of balance, and I just had to paint it. I created my own rendition of it, in primary colors, with paint I havent opened in almost a decade, and it felt amazing. Another personality in me waiting to get out.

So, if you have the time, check out my alternate personality. I call it My Minds Eye and I hope you enjoy it. It's still a work in progress, mind you. At this point in the night I have only my original photography up, but don't fret- tomorrow I will add the rest of what I have.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Date night

2006-01-23T19:27:00.000-08:00

Date night

Last night was date night.
I had been looking forward to it all day. He was waiting to greet me when I got home from work. And what a day it had been, it was nice that he was there for me when I needed him most. I changed into something more comfortable, and even though it was just a sweatshirt and yoga pants, he didn’t complain. I got a bottle of wine, even though I know he doesn’t drink, and planned to make spaghetti for dinner. It’s nice to unwind with your favorite guy, and a glass of wine once in a while. Even though he likes to play games, I don’t mind, Ill play along to make him happy. I poured myself a glass of wine, and he was happy to sit with me and watch me sip it while I told him about my day. He is such a great listener; he just lets me talk and doesn’t interrupt me… unless he’s hungry. So I made myself some spaghetti while he ate his dinner before me. It never seems to work out that we eat dinner together; he is always hungry before I am. He watched me while I ate. Sometimes that bothers me because every so often he will stare at me with such hunger in his eyes! After dinner I put on a movie, and he sat with me quietly. Its so nice to snuggle with him, he is a great cuddler. It is so nice to know he loves me unconditionally. Most of the night he lay with his head in my lap, and I stroked his hair while he watched the movies with me. He is losing his hair a bit these days, but he still has a lot of it, shiny and black, I just love to run my fingers through the hair on his back. He’s a little overprotective of me though, he ran outside at every strange noise, but then he comforted me afterwards. I like it that he watches out for me, he makes me feel safe. He did get a little jealous when I got a couple text messages from friends and didn’t give him as much attention as he wanted, but he knows I love him and he was very patient with me. We watched two movies, and even though there wasn’t a lot of conversation between us, it was nice to just relax at home on the couch. I got a lot of kisses on the cheek from him too, but I just like to kiss him on the head and I gave him a big hug goodnight. I snapped a couple of pictures of us cuddling on the couch before the night was over. I love Cody so Much!

Welcome to my brain

2006-01-20T19:26:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my brain

Just some random thoughts for a Wednesday
I have been jealous of my sister since the day she was born. I think all sisters are like this, arent they? Even in the hospital when she was being born I threw a fit until the nurses gave me a baby doll, spotlight on Jenni please! And I think I dropped a heavy book on her when she was a baby too...all normal stuff psychotic children do for attention, right? Since then it’s been pretty much the same, she gets all the attention and I throw a fit or something heavy. Until recently, that is. All this wedding stuff she is going through, I do NOT want to be in her shoes. Dealing with the parents from both sides, handling the drama involved with planning and everything...makes me not want to have a wedding at all! So thanks to Sarah for breaking us all in to the secret life of weddings it makes it a lot easier to decide not to have a wedding like she is having! I do not envy her.

Random thought numero dos. Why do we dream the things we do? It’s an interesting topic, one that has intrigued me always. Last night I dreamt that Cody had puppies. Instead of carrying them in his belly, he carried them on his back, under his skin until they were born. In the dream I could feel three of them under his fur, crawling around under his skin up to his head and then back down to his tail. I was trying to coax them into being born and two of them were but one was still not done yet. He stayed in. The two that were born looked like black German Shepherds. At one moment in the dream I had to stop and think, hey wait a minute. Isn’t Cody a male?

Random thought number tres. My birthday was great, and thanks to everyone who left me bday wishes. I spent the weekend with mom and dad at their house. Gramps took us all out for Chinese on Friday night, and mom baked me a cake. Saturday was spent shopping, and then another nice dinner at Bellagio- a super nice Italian place in Austin with great food. Mom and dad were generous with the gifts this year, dad built me a beautiful painting easel and mom gave me a spectacular amethyst necklace along with a Michael Buble CD. Sunday we went shopping again, and then a movie. Broke back Mountain is wonderful, filled with gorgeous scenery and makes for a good love story. Not for the squeamish. It’s a different kind of love story- one that I’ve never seen portrayed before in my lifetime. If you can grasp the thought of two men being in love- go see it on the big screen.

Random thought numero four. This morning on Good Morning America Diane Sawyer dumped out her purse and had the contents analyzed. They had some interesting things to say about what your purse says about you. So here’s what’s in my purse, and what it says about me:

Stamps= overly organized, planning, detail oriented.

Peppermint gum= Intellectual, enjoys working with computers and math, sports fan

Receipts= clutter queen, wants to be on the ball but can’t quite get it right

They also mentioned that the emptier the bag, the more confident the girl, guess I’m really insecure because I can hardly close my purse. I also carry bottled water, my passport, a flashlight, and an extra pair of underwear for emergencies. Wonder what those things say about me? I already know- I’m a weirdo.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

tick..tick..tick...

2006-01-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

January 19
tick..tick..tick...

After this weekend, Ill be another year older.
I don’t mind the getting older part. What bothers me is that I will be a 32 year old woman and I haven’t even started a family yet. I’m still single (although in a relationship) and without children. When I look back at the last few years, I’m glad that I got all the partying and irresponsibility out of my system.

Up until I moved here to Austin, I probably went out once or twice a week, and the years before that it was party central living in downtown Denver. I remember looking at my life back then and really questioning why I wasn’t married and didn’t have kids yet, but I just wasn’t ready to settle down at that time and definitely wasn’t in a stable relationship to be able to do so. So up until recently I haven’t regretted anything about not starting a family- mostly because I’m happy that I moved on from the long term relationship I was in back then.

Regret is not a word I use often; in fact my motto is to live life without regret. I do not regret anything I have done in my life thus far, so maybe regret isn’t the correct term for this. Is it disappointment? I’m not sure yet. It is more of a sudden realization that I’m feeling like this, because at other points in my life when I would question myself I remember not feeling this bad about it.

It could be the fact that my little sister is getting married next month, or the fact that all my girlfriends from high school are already having their second child, or the fact that I’m constantly comparing myself to my mother’s life. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s probably a good combination of all that.

I remember when my mother had her 32nd birthday. I was 8 by then. Good grief, I can not imagine having an 8 year old at this point in my life, but those were very different times back then. I often wish I had been born in a different era, my grandparent’s era of the fifties and sixties- things seemed so much simpler back then. You married young, you had kids soon after, you stayed together- it was the social norm. Nowadays, it’s so different that comparing the times is like mixing oil and water.

Again, comparing my life to my mothers, I feel extremely behind. If I were my mother at this point in my life I would have been married for 12 years already and have had two children- one 8 and one 5- and we would live in a nice 3 bedroom house. Man, have I got some catching up to do! I know, it isn’t rational to compare my life to moms, but I can’t help it.

It wasn’t until very recently, that I even knew if I wanted kids. I knew I liked the idea of having a family, but never had baby fever. It was after I moved into my place in September that I really started to notice, probably because every commercial with a baby in it made me cry. There is a Johnson & Johnson commercial- I know you have all seen it- the baby is being washed in the sink and the mother’s voice is saying something like “you always went for the tall dark handsome type, who would have thought the love of your life would be short and bald. Having a baby changes everything” ugh...is that the cutest baby you have ever seen? It gets me every time. You can see it on www.baby.com, I have it bookmarked so I can watch it over and over and over...

I Have MAJOR baby fever these days. I can feel my biological clock ticking finally. I never knew it was there! It really feels good though, because I was beginning to wonder if motherhood just wasn’t for me, it was because I didn’t feel this way. Now I can literally feel it inside of me, it’s a pulling, a wanting feeling. Of course I have to get married first, I have my list of priorities, and marriage is definitely first. Look at me pretending to be a grown up again!
I am lucky that the Lummox, already knows all of this, and is comfortable talking to me about it, or at least listening to me talk about it *wink* and hasn’t run away..........YET. And he doesnt give me false hope, because he wants it too.
He’s definitely a keeper.

I think I’m on the right track, heading into my 32nd year feeling like this, and feeling comfortable in myself enough to know that I am headed in the right direction with my life- FINALLY- and that feels really good. So, Ill blow out my candles, and make a wish, maybe even a couple of them, and I will let you know in a couple of years if they come true.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

The Wasabi Incident

2006-01-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

January 17
The Wasabi Incident

Something I’ve learned.
When someone comes to you and says, “smell this, does this smell funny to you?” don’t smell it. For the love of god just don’t do it! Live and learn right? You’d think…and then there’s me.

On New Years Eve, Lummox and I decided it would be a blast to make sushi for dinner! Oh what fun! He has experience with this, since he and his kids have prepared sushi dinners many times. So I took the easy task of browning the dumplings while Lummox balled the rice and cut the fish. We got all the necessary ingredients earlier in the day from whole foods, including wasabi powder. Now, if you are like me- you’ve probably heard of wasabi, but never stopped to think how it is prepared. For those of you who have never tasted wasabi- it is very hot, spicy like nothing I’ve tasted before. I never knew you made wasabi by mixing water with a powder- I just never thought about where it came from! Anyway, one of the last steps before our wonderful dinner was ready was to make the wasabi. I left this in the Lummox’s hands, as I figured he was more experienced in this area as well. He put a spoonful into a glass, added the water and began stirring it into a paste as I watched on.

As it started to mix into a smooth cream, he got a funny look on his face. Then he asked the question… "Hey, does this smell a little weird to you, like horseradish or something?” Now, before I leaned in, I of course did not stop to remember this was a spice and should probably be approached with caution- then I did it.

I leaned in, probably way too close, and took a giant whiff through my nostrils. Instantly, fire shot up my nose into my brain, out my eyes and back down my throat. NERVE GAS. The second after the whiff entered my brain, I lurched upright and covered my eyes- to protect them from popping out you see, and I literally could not breathe because my throat had closed. Probably a survival instinct we never knew we had- saves us from dangerous wasabi fumes reaching vital organs. When my throat opened a second later my mouth filled with saliva and I could not have been sexier as I tried to cough the hot lava out of my head. All this is happening right in front of the Lummox remember.

When I was able to think again, I realized he was probably watching all this, and I ran away from him to the bathroom, choking, flailing and blind. I think I said “oh my god” a few times in there too. Minutes later, when I was finally able to see, I saw myself in the bathroom mirror- mascara monster! Red eyes, black cheeks, flushed skin and scorched nostril hairs- Pretty. (I know this is Karma coming back to kick me in the butt for that time I laughed at him when he slipped and fell in the shower.)

OH! And the kicker? After I went through all that, Lummox went in for a sniff too! All I heard was him cry “dear god!” through the blisters in my ears, and that’s when I knew. He’s a keeper.

Moral of this story? Always make your boyfriend smell first.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni