Just Breathe

Just Breathe

“2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.”
~excerpt from Breathe (2AM) by Anna Nalick~

I think people misinterpret the reason that I still talk about my ex even though it’s been over a year since we broke up. I will say first off that I am not in love with him anymore. It’s the easiest answer people can think of, but that is just not why. The reason I talk about him is to get him out of my head. If I write it all out, it won’t live in my brain anymore. I tend to obsess about things that I can’t fix. I’ve always been that way. It is just how my brain works, and sometimes it can work against me.

Last week I got some news about my ex- he moved to New York. That in itself doesn’t bother me at all; I want nothing but happiness for him and wish him greatness. What bothers me the most is the fact that when I first heard that news, my brain started its gears again and I began obsessing. The questions flooded into my head: “why NY?” “ What part of NY?” “Why haven’t I heard from him in four months?” and that just isn’t healthy. The problem is that it should just stay a miniscule thought or two in my brain, but what happens is-it snowballs when it becomes more than a thought. When I begin talking about it or writing about it, it becomes bigger than it originally was.

So- because of all this, I have resolved to make a change. A change in the way I deal with my thoughts. If the thought doesn’t become emotional, it remains a thought; therefore it never evolves into something bigger than it needs to. I create chaos in my brain the second it goes into obsessing, I can control this. At the least I can replace the thoughts with something else.
So what if he has fallen off the face of the earth? That was his choice not mine, and I can accept that I may not ever talk to him again because I gave it my best shot. I am not going to let that bother me anymore, because I can’t fix it. And no matter how hard I think about it, I cannot change things between us, but I can change things about myself. I can stop thinking about the “whys” of everything and just let it go. Eventually those thoughts will be replaced with better things in my life and I won’t even wonder about him anymore.

And with that- Farewell to The Dreamer. Resolution begins now and I am retiring that chapter of my book with the end of this very sentence.

It feels really great right now. Knowing I have a spectacular boyfriend who loves me, and everything about us just fits. I haven’t been happy like this in a very long time. It’s a liberating feeling, cathartic and extremely healing to the soul. It literally feels like a huge weight is off my stomach and I can breathe easier. I like being happy. I know it sounds silly, but it’s true. I forgot how to be happy and I don’t remember when it happened. When did I give up happiness? What did I give it up for? Here I go with the thoughts again…I shall replace them with this:
Let yourself just be happy and enjoy it…and remember to breathe.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni