Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Don't fall in love with a Dreamer

December 20
Don't fall in love with a Dreamer

"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
~W.B. Yeats
One of the things that I love the most about the Lummox ~out of the bazillions of little things~ is that he understands me. He will listen to what I have to say, no matter what it is, and he will let me have my emotions. He gets me. I think this is because we have like minds, and we have shared similar experiences in our past relationships that have forged us into the people we are today. So when I had to talk to him about what has been troubling me these last few days, at first I hesitated talking to him about it, but then I realized he will understand and I shouldn’t keep this from him. So yesterday, I talked to him about this, and he empathized with me. That made me feel much better about being troubled over it.
A few days ago, I received a phone call to my cell phone. Now, those who know me well know I don’t answer the phone unless I recognize the number. This time, I only recognized the area code- 505. I instantly freaked out and had an anxiety attack. It was a bad one. A million things went through my brain in that instant. Oh my god the Dreamer is dead? They have called to tell me bad news about him. Or was it him calling from his home town? Who is it, no- I don’t want to know. So I didn’t answer it. Instead I found myself sitting in the bathroom in the pitch black until the ringing stopped. It may have stopped long before that, all I could hear was my heart beat in my ears. I came out of there with a sinking feeling, but there was no message left. My heart was still beating in my ears and I was sweating and crying.
I have no idea why I reacted like that. I guess part of me will always worry about him. He puts himself into dangerous situations a lot. Or he did when I was with him. Part of me wants to know what he is doing, wondering about him these days. And a part of me doesn’t want to know. The Lummox put it so eloquently; “our brains finish equations for them based on what we know of them”. It is so true.
And then the dreams started to come.


That night, I dreamt that the Dreamer called me. I recognized the number, but it didn’t make me anxious. I answered but instead of saying hello, I said “did you call me on accident?” In my waking life I haven’t heard his voice on the phone since, gosh forever ago, it’s been over a year. So this makes sense that I would ask this in my dream. He was silent, and then with an irritation in his voice said “why do you have to be like that?” This is totally something he would have said. The dream went on, and the more we talked, the angrier I began to feel towards his irrational impatience with me. I woke up annoyed.
I told myself not to dream about him again. That didn’t work.
The next night I dreamt that he was home from a trip and was exhausted. He was lying with his head in my lap and we were talking about his weekend away with his friends. I started tickling him, and he slipped up and said “oh don’t, Rose bruised my pelvis” and instantly I moved back away from him. I knew and I was instantly furious. I said “You slept with Rose?” and let his head hit the sofa as I got away from him. In my waking life I have no idea who Rose is. Suddenly we were in a car, and I moved to the back seat mumbling to myself something like “I can’t believe I fell for you again and you did this to me all over again” and I was tearing up, but not letting myself actually cry. I was fuming. Then Rose, whoever she was, she came up to him at the passenger window and I said to her “you can have him, I don’t effing want him anymore” and they did some weird little baby talk thing. I woke up annoyed.
Again, I told myself not to dream about him. Super.
I dreamt an actual normal dream the next night. (If you can call my dreams normal) but at the end, he called me! In my dream I had decided to go to nursing school and I was ecstatic about the possibilities. On the other end of the phone all I hear is a snicker under his breath. He was laughing at me. I woke up annoyed.
Then I broke down and talked to the Lummox about it all, and how it had been bothering me. But that didn’t work. There has been a dream every night since the stupid phone call. Last night I even dreamt about real frustrations I had when the Dreamer wouldn’t come to bed with me after a fight. He was on the stupid computer and I was waiting up for him to come talk to me. He never came. I woke up annoyed.
Did I mentally damage that part of my brain when I had the anxiety attack? Am I subconsciously reminding myself to dream about him, by telling myself not to? The last few days have been a very bothersome and disturbing, at least in my dreams. I wish it would stop. I’m tired of waking up annoyed, and plain and simple, I’m just tired. Dear god, make it stop!
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

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