Thursday, November 30, 2006

See you at Wordpress!

I moved my blog to
come see me there

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Blustery Day

Blustery Day

Whew, what a night we had!
For the last week or so the weatherman has been telling us about this cold front that was coming, but I never expected quite such a dramatic change. It was 80 degrees here in Austin yesterday, and in fact I had my ac on for a little bit during the day. I decided to get myself more in the mood for the holidays by decorating for Christmas. I put up the tree, the lights, and the whole thing; and then at about 9 last night the weather warnings began. Tornado watch, strong wind warning, and severe thunderstorm warnings ticked across the bottom of my television as I was just finishing hanging all my lights. I decided to take a step outside. It was still quite warm out, but off in the distance I could see huge black clouds rolling in with lightning shooting out at every angle. The weatherman then said there would be freezing wind and rain coming. I had to act fast- I had to save my plants!

I keep a ficus tree on my front porch, not a huge one but it is pretty good sized. I carried that thing up my stairs all by myself, and it was heavy!!! So I now have a tree in my office. If I had thought about this sooner I wouldn’t have put up my Christmas tree, I would have just decorated the ficus! It’s actually a nice addition to my gloomy computer room; I think I may keep it there (I also don’t want to carry it back downstairs!)

I walked back out into my backyard and noticed my neighbor with her plants bringing them all in the house, there was no way I could bring all my plants in- I have no room! So I remembered what mom used to do in the winter, cover them all with sheets. I gathered them all up and placed them on and under the bench I have on my back porch and the rain started to come. Great! I covered them all with a sheet and made sure it wouldn’t blow away. The ferns are too huge to even move so I covered them where they were. Then there’s the vegetable garden. I have this four foot tomato plant growing up a wire trellis that I have to save, but as soon as I covered it this enormous gust of wind came and knocked it on its side. Pulled the trellis right out of the ground! I thought I was going to get blown away so I grabbed Cody and we ran into the house.

It was a little scary; the rain was torrential and the wind was just amazing. I’m really surprised the screens are still on my windows. The thunder and lightning was exciting, I was almost hoping the electricity would go out…I love storms. But this was a tad bit scary. The temperature dropped so fast the tornado warnings lasted until 2am, and I was still awake because I couldn’t sleep with all the noise (and I was scared) I made Cody get up on the bed with me ha ha. I think I finally fell asleep at about 6am and it was still windy and raining.

I don’t even know what time it was when I felt Cody’s wet nose nuzzling under my hand. He was really excited about something and wanted me to get up. Then I heard chirp… chirp…chirp and I think I saw my breath when I opened my eyes. It was literally freezing in my house. I lay there listening to the weird chirp noise while Cody ran around the room like a crazy dog trying to figure out where it was coming from. I realized it was my smoke detector telling me I needed to replace the battery. Ugh, of all mornings!

Cody really wanted to find that chirp so I took him downstairs to let him out. The yard was a mess! Leaves everywhere, the patio furniture was now overturned and blowing around on the porch, the sheets were soaked by the rain and were frozen (the plants were ok though) the tomato plant was rolling back and forth in the wind and its sheet had just completely blown away. The Christmas lights I hung were all over the place now. What a mess. I yanked the smoke detector off the ceiling and I went back to bed…I had only been asleep for an hour.

I also took a little movie, but it doesn’t do the wind justice. The wind will literally knock you over outside right now! When I was filming, the chairs blew all the way across the patio. You can also see the drawstring from the hoodie I was wearing blowing in the shot ha ha.
Winter is really here now- Yay! Now I need to figure out how to keep the Christmas lights on the house in the wind...Off to do more damage control!
-Dorothy and Toto

Monday, November 27, 2006

Are we There Yet?

Are we There Yet?

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving;
I know Cody and I did!

The drive there was nice, dad bought me a new cd player for my car so this was really the first time I could listen to a mix cd on a long trip. I think Cody was perturbed though because I sang the whole way! He hates it when I sing, normally he will bark at me until I stop but in the car he just kept poking me in the ear with his whiskery wet nose from the back seat. Trying to tickle me to death I think. He loves trips in the car, so I think the ride there and the ride back were the highlights of his trip.

Mom and I were baking from almost the minute I got there but it was nice to get to talk to her while we prepared for the big day. I got there on Tuesday so we made the pies that day and cooked the breads for the stuffing mix. Mom had this whole meal envisioned in her head from a Martha Stewart magazine she read so the magazine was sort of our instruction manual this year. Instead of making the usual pecan pie, we made a Nut Torte with chocolate morsels and nuts soaked in brandy. And instead of using pre-made piecrusts, we made them from scratch! It was quite fun actually. I made a cinnamon crust for the apple pie that turned out incredibly. I will have to get the recipes next year.

Dad bought mom and I some Cointreau so that we could make ourselves our “drinkies”, we love to drink Cosmopolitans and pretend to be Carrie Bradshaw you know. I made a double batch in a pitcher and by the time we each had one, we were pretty relaxed! Cosmos have become our signature get together drink these days.

The next day dad took me and Gramps out to the lake to see the new house that his sisters (my aunts) will be moving into soon. I have since named it “Casa de las Tias” which translates to The house of the Aunts. It will be nice when it is finished; they basically built the house around their two little dogs. There is even a permanent doggy door built into the back of the house, you have to see the picture. They are both in their mid 60’s and have both recently retired so this will be their dream house I think. Aunt Janie has her workshop, and Aunt Pat has her plants and her art pantry. They will be happy there.

On the drive back Gramps was a bit chatty and told us one of his Gramps stories; we passed a cotton field and he remembered that his father and his uncle were given a bale of cotton every year for Christmas by their father (Gramps’s grandfather). They would then sell the bale for $500.00 and back in that day that was a lot of money! He remembered his uncle would love to go into the city and spend some money on a tailored suit. I thought that was interesting. He has some neat stories sometimes, and other times he just wants to talk about football. Dad was getting worn thin by the time I got there because Gramps had been there already for a few days. Gramps requested we go to the Collin Street Bakery downtown, and I think dad expected Gramps had a major reason; when we got there all he wanted was a couple of cookies. And for anyone who knows about the bakery, you know that this time of year is extremely busy, so to go there for just a couple of cookies on Thanksgiving week is an event you don’t want to try. Ces’t la vie, it was an adventure anyway and Gramps got his sweet tooth satisfied; even though dad wasn’t happy.

Thanksgiving day started early, even after mom and I were up late preparing casseroles, sauces, and cranberry sauce. Mom used the blue and white china that was my grandmothers once, and it looked almost just like the cover of our Martha Stewart manual. We used my grandmothers silver flatware as well, who knows how old that stuff was; but the table was beautiful. This year mom draped the turkey in cheesecloth soaked in butter and white wine to keep it juicy while it cooked, I think she needed a bigger oven though because the cloth burned on the top of the oven and smoked up the house for a bit, but in the end the turkey came out wonderfully. The family began to arrive that morning, but soon disappeared out into the back of the property to help my dad with a project he decided to start that morning for some odd reason. He disappeared right after breakfast, and we soon discovered he was pulling the cover off the old greenhouse in the backyard. What he thought would be a partial day project by himself turned out to be a two day project even with the help of his sisters and brother! So much for everyone helping us in the kitchen! Mom and I pulled it off without a hitch (except for the turkey taking a bit longer to cook) Everyone was stuffed, and went home with leftovers.

Gramps and I mostly watched football the entire time I was there. I figured out that if you want to have a conversation with him, it had better be about football or the conversation will be one sided. We watched the Texas game; which was very disappointing, the Colorado game and on Saturday watched the Florida game. He and I were rooting for opposing teams and my team was winning, I got up to visit the bathroom and when I got back the channel had changed. That’s one reason why dad gets so mad when Gramps comes to visit- he takes over the remote. Anyway, I think my team won, but I didn’t get to see the end of the game!

On Friday the Tias came over and brought my cousins and all us girls went out to the Galaxy drive in theater to see Happy Feet! That’s one good thing about Texas; there are still some of the old-fashioned drive ins left. It has changed a bit, they don’t charge by the carload anymore so no one had to hide in the trunk, and you can listen on an FM radio station instead of hanging the speaker in your window. It was another adventure let me tell you. Mom couldn’t figure out how to turn off her lights which were timed to shut off after she turns the keys off. However, she wanted to roll her window up right after the movie started- blam! her lights went on…people were not happy with us. She pulled out the keys and I called dad because she was afraid to put the keys in again- he explained how to shut off the lights and turn the radio on. It was so embarrassing! People were actually yelling at us from other parts of the parking lot! But by the end of the movie, everyone had forgotten how annoying we were with our lights. However, we couldn’t figure out how to get the interior lights to come on when we left so we were driving blind, not knowing how fast we were going. We also lost my aunt on the highway, and missed our exit- having to call my dad once again to rescue us from the evils of the outside world. Sigh, it was an adventure.

Yesterday I drove back to Austin with Gramps. That was interesting. He didn’t speak for almost the entire three hour trip! I thought I would make him more comfortable and turn the radio to a light rock slash oldies station and turned it way down so he could still hear me talk, but still- I got nothing out of him. I tried to talk football at one point, but he didn’t respond; I don’t think he could hear me anyway. Cody was good on the way back, he just laid down most of the time, but when we made stops at lights, he jumped up thinking we were there. Just like a kid, I swear. Mommy are we there yet?

Well, that’s all the stories I have from Thanksgiving! Hope you all had a great one and would love to hear your stories as well. Is anyone else decorating for Christmas yet? (I think I’m going to put up the tree tonight! YAYYYYY! I love Christmas!)

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

When Father's Attack

When Father's Attack

A funny -slash- scary Halloween Story

It was high school in the late 90’s; and it was the night of my homecoming dance. I was dating a boy who was two years older than me and I thought I was sooo cool because the boy was like the most popular boy in school ever! My dad never liked him even though we had been dating for over two years but of course dads never like the first boyfriend. This year the annual Navy Halloween Ball and my Homecoming Dance fell on the same night. And on my end- growing up in a Navy family you had to learn to endure the parties and get-togethers our parents went to year after year, as I am sure they had to get used to our high school dances. Coincidentally daylight savings time just so happened to be falling back an hour this evening as well.
In my naïve young brain, I thought to myself “hey this is great, I am supposed to be home at midnight- isn’t that when the time falls back? I have a whole extra hour and my parents probably wont even notice!” so after the dance and after changing into jeans and a sweatshirt my friends and I went off to a party to celebrate one extra hour of freedom from our parents for the evening. I hadn’t even seen my parents that night, since I had my hair done at a girlfriend’s house that afternoon, but I knew for sure they would be at their costume party for hours and that I would be safe. That was until my boyfriend dropped me off that night.
Why were they home so early? Gosh they had an extra hour since the time changed that night, why hadn’t they stayed out later? I slinked out of my boyfriend’s car and snuck into the front door as quietly as I could, holding a puffy dress and heels in my arms. The lights in the house were out except for the master bathroom where I heard the voices of my parents. One of them was in the shower, I couldn’t tell who but I decided to sneak into my bedroom as if I had been there all night. I even got into bed in my shoes and sweatpants with my hair still done up in full “do”. They would think I’d have been there all night.
The next thing I hear is the front door slam, and the car start up. Where is my dad going? I sit up in bed to listen, and I hear nothing but the shower turning off in my parent’s bathroom and my mother cough. My father had gone somewhere, but why? Oh god, I hope he hasn’t gone to look for me. I lie back in bed and pretend to sleep as my mother props open the door to peek in at me in bed. Oh god, I am in trouble! But wait- I have been here the whole time! They were in the shower, they didn’t know I was there…and then my phone rang.
It was my boyfriend on the phone. He told me that a man in a Dracula costume came to his door asking where I was. Oh my god, my reputation at school was over. My father went to my cool boyfriends house dressed as Dracula!!! Apparently the only thing my dad said was “where is my daughter?” in a deep and menacing voice. My poor boyfriend! He didn’t quite know what to say other than he had already dropped me off at home, and even as he was still speaking my father turned his back and walked away from him into the dark.

I hung up the phone when I heard our front door slam once more. My bedroom door opened just as I tucked my hand back under the covers I was hiding under. There was a silence so thick you could cut it with a meat cleaver. I turned my head and looked up to see Dracula in full costume peering in at me and I couldn’t help but gasp. Wow, great costume dad, it was seriously scary this year! No words were spoken for what seemed like forever and then Dracula walked away. Then I heard my mom say “you are grounded for…like-ever, starting now!” and my bedroom door shut quietly. Man, I thought I had the best alibi ever with daylight savings time, but that Dracula costume was enough to scare me into admitting anything! And I swear to god, no one even spoke about it the next day. I stayed in my room for the next week, and I didn’t ask any questions. It was never spoken of from that day forward. Ha ha! I wonder what my dad would say today about that….

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Its great to be here, except it isn’t there

Its great to be here, except it isn’t there

Its great to be here, except it isn’t there.
Back from FL…I miss him already. s i g h
He has this way of erasing all of the things I am self conscious about. It’s a huge ego boost to be with him, because I know he truly loves me for who I am and can look past my shortcomings. It’s like looking into a magic mirror or something; miraculously instead of feeling fat and old, when I’m with him I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. I swear when I left my house I looked in the mirror at myself and thought “dear lord I’m fat, I cant wear this tank top without a shirt over it” and as soon as I got there I SWEAR I lost twenty pounds, my boobs grew a cup size, and I wore that tank top proudly with no cover up! It is miraculous! He was even great when I turned into a huge pimply mess the last couple days of the trip.
So I have a history of breaking out around my mouth once a month, usually they are just small cold sores on my upper lip. I have learned to deal with them over the years, though they are embarrassing most of the time. There is no fix for them in times when you need to. For some reason, (possibly because of the new birth control I’m on) I had the worst breakout I’ve had in years while I was there. Of course, I had to turn into huge freak while I was there trying to be sexy- way to go hormones! Great timing! Its hard to be sexy when your upper lip is swollen twice its size and you have FIVE cold sores around your mouth, very kissable indeed. When I woke up and felt the swelling, I almost wanted to start crying, plop a pillow over my head and stay in bed forever. But he didn’t care…..I think. At least he didn’t show it, which was nice of him. I half expected a look of horror from him when I showed my face that morning, but he was great.
It’s funny dating someone who you already know from a previous relationship. Even though it had been probably 9 years or so between our breakup back then, and when we started seeing each other again, there are a lot of things that haven’t changed about us. Basically the only thing that has changed about us is our age. We are a few years older, a bit wiser, and more worldly but that’s about it. Sometimes I feel like those years never went by; as if I am right back in 1997. It’s been sort of a time warp for me, being with him all over again. I loved him so much back then, and I love him even more now.
Now, the “L” word is an interesting phenomenon in the dating world. You don’t want to say it too early because there is the chance the other person might get scared off. You don’t want to say it too late because the other person might get antsy and lose interest. You have to say it when you feel it, when you really mean it; otherwise it just becomes words without emotion. It has to be just right. For me, I knew I loved him after our first reunion. The second I felt a pang of yearning to be with him again I knew I was falling in love with him again. I have been waiting for so long to hear those words come from someone that I truly loved in the same way. It feels phenomenal.
I had a great trip.
It was fantastic to see him and actually be able to snuggle with him without a bazillion miles between us.
He’s the greatest guy I have ever met.
I am so lucky.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Stronger than Yesterday


Stronger than Yesterday

It’s been an insane few days since I got that first email from Kitty. I haven’t changed clothes in three days, and I desperately need a shower. These pajamas probably need to be burned. I am up until 3am in front of the computer and then get up at noon to get right back where I was in front of the computer. I do take a break during Dr Phil to eat something, but I just can’t get myself to behave like a normal person.

It was almost painful for me to make myself clean my house today; my body is sore from sitting all day in one position. The house needed it, I think it’s been two weeks since I cleaned, washed dishes, or laundry. I even put all my laundry away instead of stacking it on my bed. I know it just sounds lazy but I don’t feel like I have been. I have been working hard to find a job; and working on my new club "Homegirl Investigations". So far its just me and Kitty :)

But then I find myself becoming lost in thought at times, drifting in and out of reality. I have been getting more and more emails from Kitty. All of them full of horrible stories and timelines of events that happened over four years ago. Our paths had crossed indirectly in the last four years that Dreamer and I were together (and with her). Four years. Not two months as I had originally suspected. Four years.

I was such a fool to think that I could remain friends with him. After reading what Kitty has been telling me, I feel like the life I thought I was living was all a lie. Four years? How did I not ever find out? Was I just so blind and caught up in his lies that I didn’t realize it? The man that she describes is completely foreign to me, but I know it was who he really was. He was real with her; his life with me was completely false.

I never want to hear from him ever again. I never want to speak to him ever again. I will not remain in contact with him EVER again. He is dead to me. I don’t even want to hear his name ever again. And if god forbid, I ever see him again, keep sharp objects away from me because I will go straight for the jugular. He is a horrible person who deserves nothing but horrible things to happen to him for what he has done.

Oh you can mark my words; he will get what is due to him. Karma is a bitch. I have complete and total faith in karma. I am not worried, one day soon he will get it. All I have to do is sit back and wait. You watch- karma will get him.

I went back and read my first entry ever from November of 2004 when I first discovered Kitty existed. Do you know it’s almost been two years that I have been stressing over finding answers? It feels so FREAKING great to finally know that I was right. After all of the times he denied ever cheating on me. I WAS RIGHT. After all the times I felt in my gut something was wrong. I WAS RIGHT. After all the times he lied to me and I didn’t believe him. I WAS RIGHT.

It’s finally over. I finally have the answers I deserved two years ago. And it feels fucking fantastic. -Me

Monday, October 02, 2006

Forgive and Forget

Forgive and Forget

She contacted me; Kitty-The girl that Dreamer cheated on me with…I am FREAKING out.
I pulled one of my famous stupid Jenni tricks and accidentally sent her a request to add her to my friends list on myspace. I had a list of favorites in myspace and a lot of them were bands, so I was sending all of them friend requests and somehow I sent her one too. I am famous for doing these things; it’s a part of my accident-prone personality. sigh. Cant go back now can I?
All this time I have known she was on myspace but I never had a clue she even knew about me. At first I thought, I will just let her get some stuff off her chest and I will play it cool. I will be calm and just let things roll off my back. She sent me this:

From: Caitlin
Date: Sep 30, 2006 12:49 PM
Well I have a lot of things I have wanted to ask you and tell you and apologize to you for over the past few years but I will wait. I am not sure how you found me (maybe it's because I check out your page a lot, I'm not a stalker I swear lol), and I am not sure what you know about me so I will wait until I hear back from you, before I say more.
Hope to hear from you soon.

So when I got it I knew- shit! I must have accidentally sent her a friend request! OMG omg!
o. m. g…I am so stupid!!! I can’t believe I am so careless with these things. But I guess that’s what I get for spying on her all this time. Instant Karma.
I sent her this:

From: a little bit crazy (me)
Date: Sep 30, 2006 5:33 PM
You really have checked out my page a lot? Wow- I had no idea you even knew about me. Crazy. Well I had a ton of things to say a couple of years ago. But mainly now I just wanted to say that I'm here if you have any questions about what happened. I’m sure you know Rob was lying to both of us at the same time, and it took me a long time to forgive. But I have. I’m pretty much over all of it. Just know that you and I have a lot in common, and probably a lot of feelings harbored. If you ever want to chat- you can find me here or at Best of luck to you. I know we are both in different places in our lives now- thank god!

I never expected her to write back to be honest. But she did. And what I read, I still cannot believe. It made me sick to my stomach. I took out some names, and places…

From: Caitlin
Date: Oct 2, 2006 10:26 AM
Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Thanks for being so cool about this. I am sure you hated me for a while. Yep, I guess I have sort of always known about you. I don't want to bring up a bunch of old stuff that is going to make you look back at your entire relationship with him, I don't want to make you feel badly, so I am sorry if any of this hurts your feelings, that certainly isn't my intention.

I always knew he had a girlfriend. To tell you the truth, he and I hooked up at a party when I was 18. From then on, every time he would come into Los Alamos he would call me, over and over again. But I knew he had a girlfriend and honestly I knew he was an asshole so I ignored him for a good three years. Then finally he was in town (for W and A’s wedding) and wanted to cook me dinner so he came over to my house, I asked if he had a girlfriend, he said no. Then B and those guys pulled me aside a few nights later and told me that he was just using me, that he had a girlfriend and that I deserved better than him. Of course I didn't listen. Anyway, it was a huge mess from the get go.

I knew he was lying about you because he couldn't even keep up with his own lies. So when he went back to Denver, I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. He would always try to get me meet him in Chama but I told him I wasn't going to do it because it was fair to you or me. He said that you had moved out. Well, this is probably something you don't want to hear, but I am going to tell you anyway...Whenever I was in Denver to see him, the neighbors would ask where you and Cody had been and he would always say "I killed them" and then just walk inside. Well, I started to get a little curious about this (he messed with my head big time) because he would always tell me not to say anything to my family or anybody when I would go up there, he said he wanted it to be a secret because he was going to kill me, he said he had even talked to his brother about it and since his brother worked for the Medical Examiners office in Albuquerque, he would be able to get away with it. So, anyway, one weekend I drove up there and he got "called into work" and had to go to Idaho or something, so I stayed there because I had other friends in Denver. I decided to get a little nosey and I found all of your stuff in the garage. Your pictures, clothes, jewelry...all that stuff. Your yearbooks were still in his bedroom along with your shampoos and stuff were in the bathroom. Then I found some of your mail. I freaked out, I was convinced he killed you. So I am an idiot because I still went up there to see him after that.

I don't know if you know about the accident we got in when he totaled his truck or how he slammed me up against a wall in front of 30 of my closest friends, or how I finally had to call the police on him because he was on his way to my house and he told me to call an ambulance ahead of time because he was so mad. It sure was a lot of drama for the few months it lasted. Wow, sorry for going off on a tangent. I was using the excuse that I was young and naive since I turned 21 while we were hanging out, but I should have known better.

I am so sorry for whatever pain I caused you. I really am a nice person, I promise.
I know you spent a good part of your life with him and I am so happy that you are away from him now! You seem like a really sweet, caring, interesting and wonderful person and you deserve much better than him! Best of luck to you too!!
Stay in touch!!
Hope to hear from you soon.


I am still reeling over this. Surprisingly not in a bad way. I feel like a huge weight is finally off my shoulders. And finally after these last couple of years I have the answers that had been bothering me since I found out about her. The questions unanswered that had been weighing me down with guilt all of a sudden were gone. All of a sudden she is a person, a real person with feelings and emotions and I feel bad for her. I believe every word she says too because when I found the emails between them in 2004, they fought about it. She is a person, just like me.

And all of a sudden I am realizing that it wasn’t my fault that he cheated on me. It wasn’t her fault either. It was his fault. I can forgive her. He is sick and he needs psychological help. I now feel sorry for him and not her.

In my relationships after The Dreamer I am constantly questioning my own actions and what I say because I am scared that it will happen again. I am scared that it is something in me or something that I do that will make men stray from me, and that if it happens it will be my fault. I know differently now. It has nothing to do with me. And you have no idea how wonderful it feels to finally realize that. it sounds really silly now that I think back on it, how hard I am on myself, how careful I have been in my relationships since then. But I can rest easier now knowing the truth.

I thought a lot about publishing my reply back to her, but I think I will keep that for myself. I told her 100% of the truth and that made me feel liberated. Besides, it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that I know the truth finally and I can be happy with that and I can finally – god- after all these years, I can finally let this all go!

Thank you Caitlin. Thank you for being so brave and contacting me. You finally gave me the answers I so desperately needed. You finally put my mind to rest and my life will be much easier now. It feels great to forgive.
It's funny how things work out isn't it?