Monday, June 06, 2005


Bruises…June 6, 2005

I have bruises, not only on the outside, I have them, once again on my insides.
I waited until today to write about it because I didnt want my sister to find out what I was upset about. This weekend we took my grandfather out to dinner. He hasnt seen my sister for a while so we thought it would be nice, it was just the 4 of us-mom, gramps, Sarah and I. The second my sister got up and left the table to find the bathroom, my grandfather said to my mother "She got big. I never thought she would get bigger than Jenni is" RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE I WASNT LISTENING!! No friggin wonder we have eating disorders. For some ungodly reason, the men in our family have this uncontrollable urge to talk about our weight. When I say our-I mean my sister and I. This pretty much always happens at the dinner table in front of everyone in the family, and it is always crushing to our self esteems. If it isnt about me its normally about my sister. I can say that I have pretty much gained the most weight out of both of us, but mine came on gradually, hers has fluctuated between anorexia skinny and the way she is now which is not fat by any means, but she has gained a few pounds and now I think we are the same size. And even when she was at her skinniest there were still comments. I remember my grandfather saying she looked like a 12 year old boy and that she lost all her baby fat finally. Then when we both gained a few and were home for Christmas they said to us both, out of the blue with no prompting, "You look fine with a little extra meat on your bones". This last Christmas my own father told me that I look so much better since Ive lost a few pounds, at Christmas dinner as Im stuffing my face...which made me feel self concious and so I threw up after dinner. And on Saturday night after gramps said it again about both of us in one breath, I just couldnt control myself and I started to cry at the table. So when my sister came back from the bathroom I had my menu in front of my face trying to get myself composed so she wouldnt ask. Since gramps was paying I ordered Sarah and I a glass of wine and we ate like healthy people. Healthy and smiling on the outside. Bruised on the inside. I purged as soon as we got home, I dont know if my sister does that anymore, but I know it was on her mind. It just amazes me that these men think they have the right to hurt our feelings just because they think they know better. Last night I had the urge to ask my mom what they say about me when i get up from the table, when Im not around what comments have I gotten about my wieght fluctuation? But I stopped myself, I think I have enough bruises.

***June 10th Update***
I talked to my mom and explained to her that it upset me that she did not stand up for my sister when Gramps said what he did. She explained that she has dealt with his comments all her life, he used to call her Fatty Patty because her sister was so tiny (and still is). But, I explained that she is enabeling him by ignoring his comments and the next time he sais anything remotely demeaning to my sister or to me, I am going to scream at him. She agreed with me that it wasnt right, but said he wouldnt change and that it would do no good. Shes probably right, so I may just stop going anywhere with him. Sad.


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