A sudden moment of clarity
A sudden moment of clarity…November 15, 2005
I haven’t seen him in a little over a year, although we talk almost every day. The excitement and anticipation of seeing him again, as he came down the airport escalator, was overwhelming. He saw me first. Of course, the instant I took my eager stare off that escalator, and there he was. It felt as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest, but instead that energy went straight to my arms and legs as I waved like a lunatic the instant I saw him and ran to him like I was mental. Well, I guess I was at that moment-Mental; the anticipation took over and my brain ceased to work properly. And then, suddenly, in his warm embrace, I felt safe. And it was in that second, in that one tiny instance I knew that was what I have been missing in my life for all this time. But it was always there- in him. The heavy clouds in my brain turned to clarity, and I felt like I could breathe again, for the first time in almost a year.
As the weekend progressed, we slowly but comfortably moved back into what makes us at ease with one another, and settled in for whatever the days would bring us. I was afraid that if I had too many things planned, that time would move by too fast. I wanted him all to myself, to soak him into me again, to feel him in my soul. We were inseparable, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I haven’t smiled that much, laughed as hard, or felt so happy and protected since the last time I was with him. Why haven’t we gotten together sooner? Why was I so apprehensive over a visit from him in the past? Why have I held him at arms length instead of letting him in? Why did I leave him behind?
We have a history. We have evolved, and changed each in our own ways over the years but the part that is “us” always seems to remain unchanged and sure, yet with subtle alterations almost unseen. I can remember liking him the instant we met, that was over four years ago now, and that tickle in the pit of my stomach is still there when he smiles at me. We didn’t hit it off right away, mostly because I held back and turned down all of his offers to join him with friends or whatever was going on. I was always in a relationship, with The Dreamer, and couldn’t see anything past that at that point in my life. But after a while we began a friendly rapport that evolved into a close friendly relationship. We began learning things about each other, and continue that to this day, but back then it drew me closer and closer to him, and soon I hungered to know everything about him. What I learned was that we are the same, but different in just the right small little ways. I have often referred to him as the other half of my brain, and more often than that as my soul-mate. We became best friends, as close as friends could get without crossing over those lines that I had drawn out for him; because of my then relationship with the Dreamer. It slowly evolved into something closer, more intimate and warm when I finally let it. But it still didn’t feel right; I was blinded by what I thought was love for someone else. That didn’t tarnish us though. We worked through it, and I know I hurt him deeply. He is so strong, he backed away, and returned to the position he held as my best friend, and he has been there since that day.
The weekend ended the same way it had begun, with a warm embrace. Only this time, my heart was open to him, beating calmly, with just the right amount of anticipation. I don’t think he saw it. We kissed, and we said I love you. And then he was gone. And as quickly as he was whisked away in that airplane, the clouds returned to my brain and it was hard to breathe. How did I ever do this without him? Why haven’t I let him be close to me in the way he has wanted to? I want this. I want him back.
Oh my God.
What have I done?
I let him go again. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Why didn’t I tell him? Will he still feel the same? Will he even want me anymore? He is the love of my life. And the awful truth of it is, he already knew this, he has been telling me; he is the right one for me. He is the only one for me, it just makes sense. We are perfect for each other.
Oh my God.
How do I fix this?
How do I undo every moment that I backed away from him, every time I turned him down, every day that I have hurt him by not returning that love he has for me? How do I make it better? How do I get him back? Why did I have to move so far away? How do I get there from here...to that love I want him to share with me? What if he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore?
Please God, help me fix this and make it right.
I am so in love with him.
I haven’t seen him in a little over a year, although we talk almost every day. The excitement and anticipation of seeing him again, as he came down the airport escalator, was overwhelming. He saw me first. Of course, the instant I took my eager stare off that escalator, and there he was. It felt as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest, but instead that energy went straight to my arms and legs as I waved like a lunatic the instant I saw him and ran to him like I was mental. Well, I guess I was at that moment-Mental; the anticipation took over and my brain ceased to work properly. And then, suddenly, in his warm embrace, I felt safe. And it was in that second, in that one tiny instance I knew that was what I have been missing in my life for all this time. But it was always there- in him. The heavy clouds in my brain turned to clarity, and I felt like I could breathe again, for the first time in almost a year.
As the weekend progressed, we slowly but comfortably moved back into what makes us at ease with one another, and settled in for whatever the days would bring us. I was afraid that if I had too many things planned, that time would move by too fast. I wanted him all to myself, to soak him into me again, to feel him in my soul. We were inseparable, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I haven’t smiled that much, laughed as hard, or felt so happy and protected since the last time I was with him. Why haven’t we gotten together sooner? Why was I so apprehensive over a visit from him in the past? Why have I held him at arms length instead of letting him in? Why did I leave him behind?
We have a history. We have evolved, and changed each in our own ways over the years but the part that is “us” always seems to remain unchanged and sure, yet with subtle alterations almost unseen. I can remember liking him the instant we met, that was over four years ago now, and that tickle in the pit of my stomach is still there when he smiles at me. We didn’t hit it off right away, mostly because I held back and turned down all of his offers to join him with friends or whatever was going on. I was always in a relationship, with The Dreamer, and couldn’t see anything past that at that point in my life. But after a while we began a friendly rapport that evolved into a close friendly relationship. We began learning things about each other, and continue that to this day, but back then it drew me closer and closer to him, and soon I hungered to know everything about him. What I learned was that we are the same, but different in just the right small little ways. I have often referred to him as the other half of my brain, and more often than that as my soul-mate. We became best friends, as close as friends could get without crossing over those lines that I had drawn out for him; because of my then relationship with the Dreamer. It slowly evolved into something closer, more intimate and warm when I finally let it. But it still didn’t feel right; I was blinded by what I thought was love for someone else. That didn’t tarnish us though. We worked through it, and I know I hurt him deeply. He is so strong, he backed away, and returned to the position he held as my best friend, and he has been there since that day.
The weekend ended the same way it had begun, with a warm embrace. Only this time, my heart was open to him, beating calmly, with just the right amount of anticipation. I don’t think he saw it. We kissed, and we said I love you. And then he was gone. And as quickly as he was whisked away in that airplane, the clouds returned to my brain and it was hard to breathe. How did I ever do this without him? Why haven’t I let him be close to me in the way he has wanted to? I want this. I want him back.
Oh my God.
What have I done?
I let him go again. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Why didn’t I tell him? Will he still feel the same? Will he even want me anymore? He is the love of my life. And the awful truth of it is, he already knew this, he has been telling me; he is the right one for me. He is the only one for me, it just makes sense. We are perfect for each other.
Oh my God.
How do I fix this?
How do I undo every moment that I backed away from him, every time I turned him down, every day that I have hurt him by not returning that love he has for me? How do I make it better? How do I get him back? Why did I have to move so far away? How do I get there from here...to that love I want him to share with me? What if he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore?
Please God, help me fix this and make it right.
I am so in love with him.
posted by Jenni at
7:00 PM
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