Damage Control
May 08
Damage Control
“We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there; Doing damage to ourselves and to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we’ve done, or that’s been done to us.
Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
Were all damaged it seems, some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us, and as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.”
-Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy episode 24 “Damage Case”
When people question my love for Lummox I guess I get a little, well, maybe the word is overly, defensive. What most of you don’t know is that he was the only person on this planet who actually knows what I have been through, and why I am damaged the way that I am. He was right there with me, holding my hand through it all while it was all happening. And for someone to love me even after seeing all that, and knowing right where my scars are- knowing I am scary and damaged- is still so amazing to me. I would never question a love like that. I love him infinitely more than words could describe.
I am sure from the outside looking in; it may appear that I am holding onto the past when I write about my ex etc. But you don’t see my journal like I do. You only have a tiny glimpse into my life. I use writing as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, I get it out, and then I don’t look back on it. Most of the things you see in here are not what makes up my life, they are thoughts rolling around in my head for a few minutes a day. 99% of my life is not written about, it is the part I am living. So when you see that I am writing about my ex, or my past it isn’t because it has consumed me, it is because this place is my outlet for a lot of the thoughts I don’t know what to do with. It is really easy for people outside the situation to say that I am still holding onto my ex. They are all wrong.
I have been really proud of myself for the last year and a half since I left the Dreamer, because I have gotten on with my life finally. He doesn’t occupy my thoughts all day and night like he used to last year. I have let go of all that, but I still have issues that I am trying to fix. I am far from perfect.
What do I have left after letting go of him? Anger. Lots and lots of anger that I do not know what to do with. I wouldn’t say that I am holding onto this anger, I am trying to let it go but I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I never got any answers from him. I never found out why he lied to me for all that time. Never found out why he chose her over me. Never found out why he won’t admit anything to this day. I am trying to get hold of the fact that I will probably never get any answers, and that just fuels the anger. My damages are almost completely healed and instead of consuming my life with it, it takes up a very insignificant portion of my life now. And I am proud of myself for that.
I am trying to fix what’s left to fix. It is far from being more than I can handle, that doesn’t make up who I am now. The rest of the 99% of my life is filled with normal things, and most of it is filled with a man who understands me and loves me like no one ever could, despite my imperfections. Lummox is my life, no questions asked.
The purpose of this entry you ask? It is more of a disclaimer for outsiders, than it is for me. I already know what my life is all about and it’s not found in the pages of this journal, it’s what’s in my heart. This is me standing up for my emotions.
Never question someone’s love for another; you don’t know the whole story.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
Damage Control
“We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there; Doing damage to ourselves and to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we’ve done, or that’s been done to us.
Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
Were all damaged it seems, some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us, and as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.”
-Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy episode 24 “Damage Case”
When people question my love for Lummox I guess I get a little, well, maybe the word is overly, defensive. What most of you don’t know is that he was the only person on this planet who actually knows what I have been through, and why I am damaged the way that I am. He was right there with me, holding my hand through it all while it was all happening. And for someone to love me even after seeing all that, and knowing right where my scars are- knowing I am scary and damaged- is still so amazing to me. I would never question a love like that. I love him infinitely more than words could describe.
I am sure from the outside looking in; it may appear that I am holding onto the past when I write about my ex etc. But you don’t see my journal like I do. You only have a tiny glimpse into my life. I use writing as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, I get it out, and then I don’t look back on it. Most of the things you see in here are not what makes up my life, they are thoughts rolling around in my head for a few minutes a day. 99% of my life is not written about, it is the part I am living. So when you see that I am writing about my ex, or my past it isn’t because it has consumed me, it is because this place is my outlet for a lot of the thoughts I don’t know what to do with. It is really easy for people outside the situation to say that I am still holding onto my ex. They are all wrong.
I have been really proud of myself for the last year and a half since I left the Dreamer, because I have gotten on with my life finally. He doesn’t occupy my thoughts all day and night like he used to last year. I have let go of all that, but I still have issues that I am trying to fix. I am far from perfect.
What do I have left after letting go of him? Anger. Lots and lots of anger that I do not know what to do with. I wouldn’t say that I am holding onto this anger, I am trying to let it go but I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I never got any answers from him. I never found out why he lied to me for all that time. Never found out why he chose her over me. Never found out why he won’t admit anything to this day. I am trying to get hold of the fact that I will probably never get any answers, and that just fuels the anger. My damages are almost completely healed and instead of consuming my life with it, it takes up a very insignificant portion of my life now. And I am proud of myself for that.
I am trying to fix what’s left to fix. It is far from being more than I can handle, that doesn’t make up who I am now. The rest of the 99% of my life is filled with normal things, and most of it is filled with a man who understands me and loves me like no one ever could, despite my imperfections. Lummox is my life, no questions asked.
The purpose of this entry you ask? It is more of a disclaimer for outsiders, than it is for me. I already know what my life is all about and it’s not found in the pages of this journal, it’s what’s in my heart. This is me standing up for my emotions.
Never question someone’s love for another; you don’t know the whole story.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
posted by Jenni at
7:58 PM
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