Tuesday, April 11, 2006


April 11

This is what its all about.
I don’t have moments of clarity a lot, but when I experience them they are usually life changing. I woke up this morning, not realizing that my thinking would be completely changed on my drive to work.
I have been living the last few years in the mindset that; my days will be based on the feeling I get with a beer in hand, on the couch relaxing after work, clouding my mind, self medicating, escaping reality. This morning I changed my mind.
After a text message to my biggest cheerleader – Lummox, I went to bed last night 100% alcohol free, and was able to get up on time without the side effects I normally wake up to. I could see the whites in my eyes, no blood shot red color like they usually are. I wore my hair down today- not in a ponytail like I have worn every day for the last year. I didn’t have to hide the dark circles from under my eyes, because there were none. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I would realize all this.
On the drive to work, eating my waffle, drinking my coffee, listening to my favorite morning radio show; I was laughing. I don’t remember the last time I laughed out loud in my car...in the early morning no less! I felt great. It was then that it all hit me. This is what it's all about.
Why am I not living my life for this?
For this feeling right now...
This is what I should be basing my days on
Why did I not think of this before?
I decided I haven’t realized this before because I haven’t had one of these mornings in...I can’t remember the last time I felt like this, and that is truly sad. I should be feeling like this every day.
Instead I have been living my life completely on the other end of the spectrum, feel great at night, feel like hell all day. Normally I would wake up late, with sandpaper eyes and a headache, put my hair up in a ponytail, and trip over my flip flops as I ran out the door. My drive to work would not be joyful; in fact I would usually curse the day. I would get to work late, and shove some caffeine down my throat, normally in the form of a huge McDonald’s soda, so that I could get something else in my body to replace the alcohol thin blood that was creeping through my veins. At work I would groan the day away while listening through my headache and the whooshing of my heartbeat in my ears. I’d eat something greasy, most days in the form of fast food, and at the end of my work day I would finally start to feel better. The cycle would continue when I got home and popped open a beer, and plopped down on the couch.
No more.
I am living my life based on the way I feel all day long, from my alarm clock in the morning, until my head hits the pillow at night. One hundred percent sober. I will remember this feeling, each time I crave a beer, instead of the feeling of a temporary high. I will base my life on what is true, and not the false reality I get when I drink. I will be happy, healthy, and motivated. And best of all... I will laugh out loud every day.
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni


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