Reflections

April 08
Reflections

…she was looking kind of dumb
with her finger and her thumb
in the shape of an L
on her forehead…
I turned on my media player this morning and a great song started my day. It used to be my theme song. You know, the song that I would choose if I had a band following me around all the time? You would see me walking down the street with my head held high with a group of retro-Elvis looking fellows following behind me singing All Star so everyone would know that was my theme song- the soundtrack to my day. Or so it would seem.
I have always been the kind of person that has needed hand holding to get anything important in life completed. A theme song playing in my head helps, it motivates me to want to do it, but it doesn’t have enough force to lead me. I guess you could say I have a problem getting my motivation going in the right direction. I need cheerleaders. I need the constant voice in my ear telling me that I am doing the right thing. I need the push in the right direction, but I also need the hand holding to get me through it. I suppose I am co-dependant. I don’t like being like this, even though I don’t see it as an unhealthy thing either. But when I am left to my own thoughts I get lost.
It is so much easier to give advice than to actually live it. I can look at people with the same exact problems as I have and give the greatest suggestions! Why can’t I take my own guidance? If it is a will power issue than I would say that I have none. Most of my motivation is based on the way I see myself through other people’s eyes. A lot of it might not even be based on how others truly see me, and I just think that they do. This new endeavor with weight loss is one of those issues.
If I were left to my own mind, with no other outside influences my weight would not be an issue. I am really okay with how I am. I don’t think I am attractive to other people though, that is the thing I can’t get past. I can’t get past seeing myself through other peoples eyes because I have no real self-image. Where does my soul meet my body? I have the soul of an eternal teenager with the body of a very curvy woman. I need to just accept that. I feel like I’m getting all Dr. Phil on myself here.
As it is now, I am only working out for the outward appearance of who I am, and not for the inner person I know I am. I know that I will be healthier, and feel better about the body I see in the mirror, but will I still be so detached from my body when I am thin? Won’t I still be the same person inside looking at a body that others will view as unattractive? I will be in the same position as I am in now, no matter how much weight I have lost because it is all in my head- it isn’t about my body. I need to accept myself, and reunite my soul with the body that I have. Easier said than done.
Is it my soul I need to fix or my body?
Do I want to be happy the way I am?
Or do I want to be thin so I can be happy at the way other people see me?
The work out gods handed over my instant karma after I skipped my routine on Wednesday. I got sick. I haven’t worked out for three days now. Did I lose the motivation I had last week? I feel like I have. But looking back on my history, this is what I do. I give up. It is way too easy to say, I quit than to actually follow through right? My plan is to start again on Monday and go from there.
A second chance…again. Life is really just a series of second chances right? I know I have flaws, I’m not perfect but I know I am trying to do the best I can do. I feel like a loser. This isn’t me giving up, it is just me finally seeing myself in the mirror and coming to terms with what I see…
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni