Forgive and Forget

10/2/2006
Forgive and Forget

She contacted me; Kitty-The girl that Dreamer cheated on me with…I am FREAKING out.
I pulled one of my famous stupid Jenni tricks and accidentally sent her a request to add her to my friends list on myspace. I had a list of favorites in myspace and a lot of them were bands, so I was sending all of them friend requests and somehow I sent her one too. I am famous for doing these things; it’s a part of my accident-prone personality. sigh. Cant go back now can I?
All this time I have known she was on myspace but I never had a clue she even knew about me. At first I thought, I will just let her get some stuff off her chest and I will play it cool. I will be calm and just let things roll off my back. She sent me this:

From: Caitlin
Date: Sep 30, 2006 12:49 PM
Well I have a lot of things I have wanted to ask you and tell you and apologize to you for over the past few years but I will wait. I am not sure how you found me (maybe it's because I check out your page a lot, I'm not a stalker I swear lol), and I am not sure what you know about me so I will wait until I hear back from you, before I say more.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Caitlin

So when I got it I knew- shit! I must have accidentally sent her a friend request! OMG omg!
o. m. g…I am so stupid!!! I can’t believe I am so careless with these things. But I guess that’s what I get for spying on her all this time. Instant Karma.
I sent her this:

From: a little bit crazy (me)
Date: Sep 30, 2006 5:33 PM
You really have checked out my page a lot? Wow- I had no idea you even knew about me. Crazy. Well I had a ton of things to say a couple of years ago. But mainly now I just wanted to say that I'm here if you have any questions about what happened. I’m sure you know Rob was lying to both of us at the same time, and it took me a long time to forgive. But I have. I’m pretty much over all of it. Just know that you and I have a lot in common, and probably a lot of feelings harbored. If you ever want to chat- you can find me here or at jen872@msn.com. Best of luck to you. I know we are both in different places in our lives now- thank god!
-Jen

I never expected her to write back to be honest. But she did. And what I read, I still cannot believe. It made me sick to my stomach. I took out some names, and places…

From: Caitlin
Date: Oct 2, 2006 10:26 AM
Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Thanks for being so cool about this. I am sure you hated me for a while. Yep, I guess I have sort of always known about you. I don't want to bring up a bunch of old stuff that is going to make you look back at your entire relationship with him, I don't want to make you feel badly, so I am sorry if any of this hurts your feelings, that certainly isn't my intention.

I always knew he had a girlfriend. To tell you the truth, he and I hooked up at a party when I was 18. From then on, every time he would come into Los Alamos he would call me, over and over again. But I knew he had a girlfriend and honestly I knew he was an asshole so I ignored him for a good three years. Then finally he was in town (for W and A’s wedding) and wanted to cook me dinner so he came over to my house, I asked if he had a girlfriend, he said no. Then B and those guys pulled me aside a few nights later and told me that he was just using me, that he had a girlfriend and that I deserved better than him. Of course I didn't listen. Anyway, it was a huge mess from the get go.

I knew he was lying about you because he couldn't even keep up with his own lies. So when he went back to Denver, I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. He would always try to get me meet him in Chama but I told him I wasn't going to do it because it was fair to you or me. He said that you had moved out. Well, this is probably something you don't want to hear, but I am going to tell you anyway...Whenever I was in Denver to see him, the neighbors would ask where you and Cody had been and he would always say "I killed them" and then just walk inside. Well, I started to get a little curious about this (he messed with my head big time) because he would always tell me not to say anything to my family or anybody when I would go up there, he said he wanted it to be a secret because he was going to kill me, he said he had even talked to his brother about it and since his brother worked for the Medical Examiners office in Albuquerque, he would be able to get away with it. So, anyway, one weekend I drove up there and he got "called into work" and had to go to Idaho or something, so I stayed there because I had other friends in Denver. I decided to get a little nosey and I found all of your stuff in the garage. Your pictures, clothes, jewelry...all that stuff. Your yearbooks were still in his bedroom along with your shampoos and stuff were in the bathroom. Then I found some of your mail. I freaked out, I was convinced he killed you. So I am an idiot because I still went up there to see him after that.

I don't know if you know about the accident we got in when he totaled his truck or how he slammed me up against a wall in front of 30 of my closest friends, or how I finally had to call the police on him because he was on his way to my house and he told me to call an ambulance ahead of time because he was so mad. It sure was a lot of drama for the few months it lasted. Wow, sorry for going off on a tangent. I was using the excuse that I was young and naive since I turned 21 while we were hanging out, but I should have known better.

I am so sorry for whatever pain I caused you. I really am a nice person, I promise.
I know you spent a good part of your life with him and I am so happy that you are away from him now! You seem like a really sweet, caring, interesting and wonderful person and you deserve much better than him! Best of luck to you too!!
Stay in touch!!
Hope to hear from you soon.
Caitlin

Sickening.

I am still reeling over this. Surprisingly not in a bad way. I feel like a huge weight is finally off my shoulders. And finally after these last couple of years I have the answers that had been bothering me since I found out about her. The questions unanswered that had been weighing me down with guilt all of a sudden were gone. All of a sudden she is a person, a real person with feelings and emotions and I feel bad for her. I believe every word she says too because when I found the emails between them in 2004, they fought about it. She is a person, just like me.

And all of a sudden I am realizing that it wasn’t my fault that he cheated on me. It wasn’t her fault either. It was his fault. I can forgive her. He is sick and he needs psychological help. I now feel sorry for him and not her.

In my relationships after The Dreamer I am constantly questioning my own actions and what I say because I am scared that it will happen again. I am scared that it is something in me or something that I do that will make men stray from me, and that if it happens it will be my fault. I know differently now. It has nothing to do with me. And you have no idea how wonderful it feels to finally realize that. it sounds really silly now that I think back on it, how hard I am on myself, how careful I have been in my relationships since then. But I can rest easier now knowing the truth.

I thought a lot about publishing my reply back to her, but I think I will keep that for myself. I told her 100% of the truth and that made me feel liberated. Besides, it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that I know the truth finally and I can be happy with that and I can finally – god- after all these years, I can finally let this all go!

Thank you Caitlin. Thank you for being so brave and contacting me. You finally gave me the answers I so desperately needed. You finally put my mind to rest and my life will be much easier now. It feels great to forgive.
It's funny how things work out isn't it?

-Jenni