Friday, May 19, 2006

So far down

May 19
So far down

n : a feeling of thoughtful sadness
Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom

Have you ever just felt like crawling under a rock somewhere, or hiding in a dark cave, just to get away from the world? One of those days that just seems like it will never end, from the second you opened your eyes in the morning; those days that you wish you had never gotten out of bed for. The day that you just want to be alone, not talk to anyone, and not have to answer to a soul; to just be emotionless.

Sometimes it feels like the world is against you. It seems like nothing and no one can make it feel better for you. Not even the most important people in your life can say anything that will make you feel like a normal person. It would be better to hide away from the outside world, than to pretend like you feel happy…no, wait… it isn’t unhappiness; its something deeper thats been drained from your soul and you can't put your finger on it.

It’s the sort of dark gloom that can drag you under if you aren’t careful. If you allow yourself to stay in bed it will take hold. The sound of your own heartbeat is a disappointing sound when you awake wishing you had stopped breathing in the middle of the night. You find yourself cursing at the sun, the brightness in your eyes, the heat on your skin hoping for the clouds to roll in. It’s a sort of heaviness in your being that you can’t contain without becoming exhausted the second you try to pretend its not there. It feels as if something larger than life has hit you at full speed and has flattened you out.

The pretending becomes begrudging and you begin to become angrier and angrier at everything that is keeping you from just letting the darkness take over. You do everything in your used-up being to try and find a place alone, away from everything and everyone, so that you can just be. A place where no one can hear you pray to god that you don’t have to go through another day like this one, for fear someone might pick up on your façade. Because god forbid you have a day like that when everyone else in the world is acting like a normal person.

This kind of gloom possesses you like an infuriated spirit weighing down on the essence of who you are. A day you hoped the sun would stay buried so that you wouldn’t have to face it. What is worse than forcing a smile on a day you wished you had never opened your eyes… I haven’t experienced anything more awful.

¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. me


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