Monday, June 27, 2005

Self Exam

Self Exam…June 27, 2005

I dont know why this sudden realization came to me today, on my drive home from work, but I had an epiphany.
Why does this surprise me? May be it was the tears that came when it hit me that frightened me, I can't put my finger on it. What I do know is that if I don't change something soon, it will ultimately be the downfall of my existence.

How did this happen? Was I overlooking this possibility and passing it off as my will to find the good in people? That isn’t a bad thing. Is it? I want to be able to look at someone and know there is something good there. Always. To be able to accept them for who they are. Those little things that make us human beings, the things you cant see on the outside, the wounds and scar tissue that has built up on the insides of a person...that is what makes us different from each other. I let it get out of control. I have always tried to look past things that people in my life have done directly or indirectly to me. I try and pass them off and let them go almost as quickly as they happened. Is it a form of denial? Even when the person I loved most in this world, when MY EX was able to hurt me again, I argued with my own conscience to try and see the light. The last time he betrayed me, I struggled with it again, even when I knew what he did was wrong, and there was no turning back. I beat my conscience even to this day about that, whether or not I can just forgive him for his actions, but I know ultimately I cannot. I really wanted to forgive him.

For the past couple days I have been re-telling the story of my date from hell on Saturday, to friends and family who ask me about it. Every time I hear myself talk about it, I see more and more signs that point to my naivety. I give second chances. Sometimes I give third and fourth chances, and I realize now that I should have quit after the first. If I had done this in my last relationship, who knows where I would be in my life right now. I know I would have 6 years of my life back that’s for sure.

Recently life has given me a few scars. As it should, "that’s life", as they say and I expected this. What did I learn from all this? I am taking the calluses life has handed me, and I am building a shell. I will use this shell from now on, as a reminder of what not to do. It will protect me, and save what innocence I have left in my heart of hearts. I will however, remain to be drawn to the good in people. But I know now, not to look past the signs that point me in the other direction. You know...The ones that tell me " put your shell on, this is gonna be a bumpy ride."


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home