Big Bowl of Crazy
Big Bowl of Crazy…July 14, 2005
Sorry for the small rambling text yesterday, I cant seem to change the size since I copied and pasted it from hotmail. Oh well, its too long to read anyway. I know I get a bit wordy when Im upset especially, I am working on that! :)
Gosh, I am really realizing now that I was in such a bad place back then. How did I manage to get through more than 6 years of that? I mean it wasn’t like that all the time and yes there were a lot of really great times, but looking back at something like that...its painful. We probably had a tiff like that once a week at least, and sometimes it was me who started it, but most times I had no idea what the heck was going on. It was seriously like I was dating 3 different guys all wrapped up into one big bowl of crazy. I know now that I should have gotten out of the relationship a lot sooner. I am seeing all the signs now, looking back and remembering the first time he made me feel insane. It was back when we first met:
We lived in the same complex, across a courtyard from one another. He had come over to my place every day for almost a week as soon as he would get home from work. One day he didnt come over, so I went over there to say hello and he completely ignored me. He was obviously annoyed by my presence so I left, and wondered to myself what I had done wrong. (I did nothing wrong, he was having one of his inner demon problems, but at the time I couldnt see it) I sat at home and got sad, and wondered if that was the end of our relationship. Later that night he came over and was acting normal again. I asked him why he treated me like I was invisible earlier that day, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "what are you talking about?"...I dont know about you, but I am a creature of habit. When someone acts and treats you one way for a week, and then one day it changes, something feels wrong. So I told him that, and he blew it off like he had no idea what i was talking about. I felt insane of course because there was no explanation. Knowing now what I didnt know then, he had probably gotten into an arguement at work or something and was venting it off onto me but didnt want to admit it.
I should have taken that day as a sign. I didnt see the signs for 6 years! I guess when you dont know what to watch for, you completely miss them. Now I know. I am going to trust my instincts from now on, because I knew that very first time he made me feel confused, that something wasnt right. I have had this knot in my stomach for almost 7 years now because of him, and its time to let it go.
I am in such an exciting part of my life right now! Everything is new! No more static thinking, from now on I am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, and no running allowed. First step, look for a little place of my own. Thats where I am now, and I love the way it feels. It promotes positive thinking and gets the rusty wheels in my head turning. Now I am concentrating on what is in front of me, without turning back and I am leaving that big bowl of crazy right where I left it.
Hang on ~ the second step forward is coming soon!
Sorry for the small rambling text yesterday, I cant seem to change the size since I copied and pasted it from hotmail. Oh well, its too long to read anyway. I know I get a bit wordy when Im upset especially, I am working on that! :)
Gosh, I am really realizing now that I was in such a bad place back then. How did I manage to get through more than 6 years of that? I mean it wasn’t like that all the time and yes there were a lot of really great times, but looking back at something like that...its painful. We probably had a tiff like that once a week at least, and sometimes it was me who started it, but most times I had no idea what the heck was going on. It was seriously like I was dating 3 different guys all wrapped up into one big bowl of crazy. I know now that I should have gotten out of the relationship a lot sooner. I am seeing all the signs now, looking back and remembering the first time he made me feel insane. It was back when we first met:
We lived in the same complex, across a courtyard from one another. He had come over to my place every day for almost a week as soon as he would get home from work. One day he didnt come over, so I went over there to say hello and he completely ignored me. He was obviously annoyed by my presence so I left, and wondered to myself what I had done wrong. (I did nothing wrong, he was having one of his inner demon problems, but at the time I couldnt see it) I sat at home and got sad, and wondered if that was the end of our relationship. Later that night he came over and was acting normal again. I asked him why he treated me like I was invisible earlier that day, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "what are you talking about?"...I dont know about you, but I am a creature of habit. When someone acts and treats you one way for a week, and then one day it changes, something feels wrong. So I told him that, and he blew it off like he had no idea what i was talking about. I felt insane of course because there was no explanation. Knowing now what I didnt know then, he had probably gotten into an arguement at work or something and was venting it off onto me but didnt want to admit it.
I should have taken that day as a sign. I didnt see the signs for 6 years! I guess when you dont know what to watch for, you completely miss them. Now I know. I am going to trust my instincts from now on, because I knew that very first time he made me feel confused, that something wasnt right. I have had this knot in my stomach for almost 7 years now because of him, and its time to let it go.
I am in such an exciting part of my life right now! Everything is new! No more static thinking, from now on I am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, and no running allowed. First step, look for a little place of my own. Thats where I am now, and I love the way it feels. It promotes positive thinking and gets the rusty wheels in my head turning. Now I am concentrating on what is in front of me, without turning back and I am leaving that big bowl of crazy right where I left it.
Hang on ~ the second step forward is coming soon!
posted by Jenni at
6:43 PM
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