Replacing Addictions
March 23
Replacing Addictions
White Zinfandel is like candy.
I am such a loser today. First off, I have to apologize to my Lummox, because I kind of lied to him this morning. Well I guess it wasn’t a lie- it wasn’t the truth though either. In any case, I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
I have a drinking problem; I mean it isn’t so bad that I need to go to rehab or anything. I am fully aware of the problem when I am sober, but when I take that first drink, something shuts off in my brain.; the part that is supposed to tell me that I have had enough and should put the wine bottle away for the night. That part of my thinking process just shuts down for some reason, and all logic goes out the window. I know that I should just not have any alcohol in my house at all, but sometimes I just want a beer to relax you know? But what happens is, I will have another...and another...and another and before I know it what started as “just one to relax” has turned into a six pack. I don’t drink every day; most times it is just on weekends and maybe once during the week.
Last night after a stressful day at work I just wanted to sit out on my back porch with a glass of wine and relax. By the end of the night- I had polished off half the bottle, it was a big bottle too. I don’t sleep well when I am drunk, so I didn’t get the best sleep last night. I remember glaring through one eye at the red numbers glowing in the dark from my alarm clock at 5am and thinking, ‘oh god I am going to hate myself in a couple hours when I have to get up”. Next thing I knew, I woke up and the power had gone out sometime between then and now and I had no idea what time it was. Where is my cell phone... 9:30!!!!! Oh my god, I am now officially an hour late for work. I hate having to explain things like this...Ill just tell them I slept late and that my power went out. It was part of the truth right? I slapped on some makeup, threw on some clothes and my flip flops and I was out the door looking haggled and wrecked.
Two hours late for work, all because I couldn’t stop myself from having another one. What a friggin loser I am. And to top it all off, I didn’t tell my boyfriend because I was too embarrassed and afraid of what he would think of me. I told him I wasn’t feeling well...but then later I confessed to him. He laughed and was fine with it. Thank god I have an understanding Lummox. I know the problem won’t be as bad when I am with him, because I won’t need it anymore if I have him.
I can see where I am self medicating in some sick twisted way, I don’t know where it comes from though. I can tell myself over and over again, don’t drink too much, don’t buy alcohol, but that switch in my brain shuts off again, and all of a sudden I am drunk. The part I need to get into my head is that I don’t need it. I don’t need that beer or glass of wine to relax. But there again, I need something to replace it. When I drink, I am relaxed, I am happy, and I am content in my own little world. Why can’t I do that without adding alcohol? Is it all in my head?
I am going to use today as the reason next time I want a beer, so that I don’t want it.
There is no reason that I can’t beat this.
I just need another addiction to replace it.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
Replacing Addictions
White Zinfandel is like candy.
I am such a loser today. First off, I have to apologize to my Lummox, because I kind of lied to him this morning. Well I guess it wasn’t a lie- it wasn’t the truth though either. In any case, I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself.
I have a drinking problem; I mean it isn’t so bad that I need to go to rehab or anything. I am fully aware of the problem when I am sober, but when I take that first drink, something shuts off in my brain.; the part that is supposed to tell me that I have had enough and should put the wine bottle away for the night. That part of my thinking process just shuts down for some reason, and all logic goes out the window. I know that I should just not have any alcohol in my house at all, but sometimes I just want a beer to relax you know? But what happens is, I will have another...and another...and another and before I know it what started as “just one to relax” has turned into a six pack. I don’t drink every day; most times it is just on weekends and maybe once during the week.
Last night after a stressful day at work I just wanted to sit out on my back porch with a glass of wine and relax. By the end of the night- I had polished off half the bottle, it was a big bottle too. I don’t sleep well when I am drunk, so I didn’t get the best sleep last night. I remember glaring through one eye at the red numbers glowing in the dark from my alarm clock at 5am and thinking, ‘oh god I am going to hate myself in a couple hours when I have to get up”. Next thing I knew, I woke up and the power had gone out sometime between then and now and I had no idea what time it was. Where is my cell phone... 9:30!!!!! Oh my god, I am now officially an hour late for work. I hate having to explain things like this...Ill just tell them I slept late and that my power went out. It was part of the truth right? I slapped on some makeup, threw on some clothes and my flip flops and I was out the door looking haggled and wrecked.
Two hours late for work, all because I couldn’t stop myself from having another one. What a friggin loser I am. And to top it all off, I didn’t tell my boyfriend because I was too embarrassed and afraid of what he would think of me. I told him I wasn’t feeling well...but then later I confessed to him. He laughed and was fine with it. Thank god I have an understanding Lummox. I know the problem won’t be as bad when I am with him, because I won’t need it anymore if I have him.
I can see where I am self medicating in some sick twisted way, I don’t know where it comes from though. I can tell myself over and over again, don’t drink too much, don’t buy alcohol, but that switch in my brain shuts off again, and all of a sudden I am drunk. The part I need to get into my head is that I don’t need it. I don’t need that beer or glass of wine to relax. But there again, I need something to replace it. When I drink, I am relaxed, I am happy, and I am content in my own little world. Why can’t I do that without adding alcohol? Is it all in my head?
I am going to use today as the reason next time I want a beer, so that I don’t want it.
There is no reason that I can’t beat this.
I just need another addiction to replace it.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
posted by Jenni at
7:44 PM
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