Sunday, May 21, 2006

Parting is such sweet sorrow

May 21
Parting is such sweet sorrow

Dear Diary,
The inevitable day is upon me. I knew it was coming; the thought has been there for a long time. Its so hard to make someone understand why your journal is on the internet, not for the purpose of thousands of random web surfers to read, but for the sole purpose of journaling your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I can’t verbalize my emotions out loud. Most times if I sit down and get into the moment and with no other distractions, I am able to get those emotions out on paper. Most people who are close to me believe that by putting those emotions out for the rest of the world to see, that I am shutting them out in some way, because I didn’t share it with them first. To me it isn’t about sharing my journal with the world, most times when I write; the fact that thousands of people may be reading isn’t even a factor in my reasoning. To the people in my life however, that fact looms heavy.

I have been self-editing a lot lately, mainly since mid-November when MSN and What’s Your Story decided to include me in their weekly series. I was so excited about the fact that my little blog was being recognized, that I didn’t think through the consequences of inviting the people I know to read. While it is a great honor to be featured by MSN, it is a double-edged sword. You want to share your excitement with family and friends, but you also want to keep your privacy from them. In my case, I didn’t stop to think.

Feelings were hurt and misunderstandings have taken place since then, and that wasn’t my intention at all. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself, when it comes to relationships, family or otherwise. You have to be very careful what you say because those are the people you cant afford to lose. I thought if I stopped self-editing in my writing, that I would feel better. But that has caused too many wounded emotions, offended feelings, and misinterpretations for me to continue writing here.

Going private will solve a lot of problems, hopefully, and make life a lot easier on my end. Having to explain myself all the time was getting exhausting and it shouldn’t be that way. Journaling is supposed to be therapeutic, not stressful and cause anxiety. Gosh…sooo much drama.

And so dear diary, our time here has come to an end. It has been lovely, and I am going to leave you right here. I hope that anyone who picks you up and reads you will understand why I have decided to abandon you. I will check in from time to time, and I will add lists and fun things, but I cannot continue to write entries here, for the sake of my personal life.

To my loyal readers: Thank you for so much laughter, and so many great new friendships. You have offered me so much great advice, and support. More than anyone could ask for. I appreciate your loyalty and encouragement.
Ce la vie. I'm off to walk Cody into the sunset.

Love always,
Jenni

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