A little bit crazy

8/17/2006
A little bit crazy

Has anyone else out there ever been in an “undefined relationship”? And if so, are you as confused as I am? I can’t deny the fact that I am a woman, and I think a lot differently than men do, but why can’t relationships just be easy? I know it is silly to want that, if relationships were simple there would be no excitement; the rollercoaster is part of the fun. It’s supposed to be anyway.

I have really been trying hard to change the way I think about relationships lately. It is a lot harder than I thought. I have actually been doing really good about it, and then I have days like today and I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. I don’t know what it is about being a woman, but we tend to over think things until they are huge piles of mush taking up the place where our brains should be. Right about now my brain is long past mush- its pulp.

• The way I want to think- take is slow, live for today, have fun, no worries.

• The way my brain is used to working- define relationship, set boundaries, create rules, plan for future, worry worry worry.

• The way my brain is working today- pppjjhhhhhllleeeeggggggmmmmmmaaaaaaagggghh
I definitely don’t want to become naggy and overbearing about it, because I know where that can lead. But I have these days like today, where all I want is some answers. As a woman, sometimes I just need them to make my mind shut up. And if my mind shuts up so will my mouth. And if my mouth shuts up I won’t get in trouble..(Unless I document it in writing- like in a blog perhaps?) Sigh.

I just don’t understand how guys do it. How are they always so aloof and carefree about relationships? Do they ever worry about things like women do? Or do they just set their own rules and keep them a secret from us until we snap like crazy stalker lunatics. Men have a rulebook somewhere, I just know it! I will admit, I do set my own relationship rules from time to time, but I make sure they are public knowledge to whoever I’m “dating”. I also have no problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve. I will voice my feelings at the drop of a hat, and you don’t even have to ask. Why is it so hard to get a man to tell you what is up? Even if its bad news, I will be fine with it, as long as I’m in the loop!

I know, I’m just having a bad day and I worry too much. I should just have fun with it, and just take things with a grain of salt. Its soooooo hard though! I know exactly what I want, is that what is making me crazy? Maybe I should throw all that out the window and start with a clean slate. Maybe that would make my brain hurt less. Maybe having absolutely no expectations in regards to this relationship will make things “easier”.

I suddenly find myself right back where I was. Nothing is easy, especially relationships. But I guess we can make it easier on ourselves by eliminating the drama in our own heads. As a woman, there is constant drama in my head. I wish I could turn it off and think like a man. I wish I could change the way I think, and I’m really really trying, I am. Some days are just harder than others.

Ugh...my pile of mush hurts.

-Jenni