Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Universe and You

Universe and You

I've got major man problems.

I am a complete and total mess right now. And it is all because of the men in my life. I know I may have caused this drama, and some of it is only in my head but god, I am in a very weird weird place right now.

Last night I finally had the balls to let the Dreamer know that I had seen "Kitty" the girl he cheated on me with. Lets just say it didnt go over well. I wasnt mean or spiteful about anything, I just let him know that I saw her picture finally on her myspace page. I thought she would be gorgeous. I am not really sure why, but I always thought that if I saw her and she was beautiful I would be able to understand. She is quite average, normal looking. I think in some weird sadistic way, it makes me feel better that she is just average...why the hell is that? In any way, I think I pissed him off. My bad.

And I havent heard from Lummox for a long long time. He isnt online, he erased his myspace page and his blog and is never on IM anymore. The last email I got from him ended with "in my last true attempt at friendship I say- goodbye Jenni. I will miss you." what the heck does that mean? It has been driving me crazy since I read it. It is confusing, if he wanted to be friends still- why the goodbye? Why the silent treatment? Was he just trying to get the last word? sigh, he makes my head hurt.

And now...I have a CRUSH! God, what the hell am I thinking. Why do I fall for guys who live hundreds of miles away from me? I can't stop thinking about him. I feel consumed with it. He gave me butterflies, no one has given me butterflies like that in a very very long time- not from Lummox and not from the Dreamer. I can still smell him on my pillows, and on the shirt I wore while we snuggled one night. I find myself drifting off into daydreams and smiling at inappropriate times because I am thinking about him. I cant sleep, I cant eat, I cant concentrate...Even thinking about him gives me that falling feeling in my tummy. What do I do now? He is basically the un-gettable man, and I know that he doesnt feel the same about me and probably never will. It makes me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. What the hell is wrong with me.

I need a glass of wine.



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