Serendipity & Second Chances
7/31/2006
Serendipity & Second Chances
So this weekend on the road trip- Rugby Dude and I were playing the “ask me a question” game. I personally love playing this game because the more questions you start asking of each other the deeper the questions get after a while. It can take some really interesting twists and turns and before you know it- you find out some really interesting things about the other person! I’m a big fan of the game.
So it was Rugby Dudes turn to ask me a question.
“What prompted you to find me on myspace after all that time?” he asked.
It’s amazing how many thoughts can rush into your brain in one instance, and at that instant I had 9 years of memories fluttering around in my brain. I didn’t really have a whole answer for him though; I was a little stumped because there was so much underneath the reason why I searched for him on myspace. It wasn’t just because of one event or thought; it was because of a million little things.
The day I searched for his name on myspace wasn’t the first time I wanted to talk to him in the years since we parted ways. It was just the first time I had the guts to. You see, I was a (for lack of a better word) bitch to him 9 years ago. I was selfish, and wasn’t very careful with his feelings back then. I never expected for him to ever forgive me for the way I ended things between us. And what’s more, I never dreamed we would become friends again, let alone ever see each other again. But it happened.
It was 1996 or ‘97 I think if I’m remembering correctly. I met him in class, in Flagstaff where we were both in the same major in college. I don’t remember a lot of how we became such good friends, but I do remember being over at his house all the time just hanging out. Things progressed; we got closer and started seeing each other seriously. We graduated, I stayed in Flagstaff and he moved to Phoenix. We had plans to move in together and I got cold feet. The year before I had ended my first seven year relationship because I wanted to date other people, and then I met Rugby Dude. It scared me a lot that I had such strong feelings for him so soon after becoming single. I remember looking at apartments with him, visiting him in Phoenix and panicking when I realized how strongly my feelings were for him. I was scared of getting right back into a relationship, and I really really liked him, I was falling fast. I broke it off by telling him I just wanted to be friends. It was an easy out, and I was extremely careless with his feelings. I was a big chicken. I hate myself for that.
What I hate even more about the way I handled it was the fact that I met the Dreamer just weeks after breaking up with Rugby Dude. Pretty soon, my whole focus was on Dreamer and I completely shut out RD. Part of that was because Dreamer was so jealous, and I was heartless to turn RD away even as a friend. I knew it would only hurt him further if he knew I had fallen for someone else so soon after our breakup. I stopped answering his calls, never answered his letters and soon completely lost touch. I was selfish and I regret that.
Hindsight is 20/20 and we all grow from our mistakes. I never forgot about him though. I thought about him a lot through the years, often wondered what he was up to, where he was, how he was, but never had the guts to try and find out. I know that breaking up the way I did was wrong but in some ways it was a good thing. Who knows what would have happened if we had stayed together, but I know I wouldn’t take back the years because they are a part of me now, and I’ve learned a lot about life, and what love really is. I learned how to grow from my mistakes. People change, I have changed a lot since then. I understand the value of being completely truthful with the ones you love, and being true to yourself, and after all these years I understand how completely important it is to live life with no regrets. Things happen for a reason, and for whatever reason I think all this time has passed between us for some purpose. I don’t know what yet, and maybe it isn’t for me to know, but I do know I am completely thankful for whatever reason it was that led to us meeting again.
I can hate myself, and apologize for things over and over, but I think its time to forgive myself for the way I behaved back then. I was so young. We were both so young. And seeing him now just reminds me of how immature I really was when it came to love. I threw away a really good thing back then; I just didn’t know any better. I know now. I have grown up in so many ways since then, experienced so many things, met so many people who helped me to gain new perspectives and taught me how to look at life through adult eyes. I wouldn’t take back a second of any of that. I know he wouldn’t either.
So here we are almost 10 years later; a few more wrinkles, a lot of new scars (inside and out) a few pounds lost and gained - the package has aged with time but what’s inside is still pretty much the same. I’m so happy that I finally found the courage to look him up. I think if it were at any other point in my life it might not have worked out the way it has. I’m even happier that he still has such a big heart, and could forgive me for my mistakes. It’s in the past now.
I’m not sure where it’s going, I’m just happy for today. And the fact that he is back in my life is enough to keep a constant smile on my face for a very very long time to come. I will just end this by saying this is definitely a “to be continued” story that started almost 10 years ago. I’m not going to rush with any of it, I’m not going to live for tomorrow, and I’m not going to worry anymore about the past. I’m living for what is right now; and all I know is that right now, at this very pin point in time I am happy and that is all that matters.
*Note to self
Don’t mess this up again Jenni
just follow your gut
and wear your heart on your sleeve.
-Jenni
Serendipity & Second Chances
So this weekend on the road trip- Rugby Dude and I were playing the “ask me a question” game. I personally love playing this game because the more questions you start asking of each other the deeper the questions get after a while. It can take some really interesting twists and turns and before you know it- you find out some really interesting things about the other person! I’m a big fan of the game.
So it was Rugby Dudes turn to ask me a question.
“What prompted you to find me on myspace after all that time?” he asked.
It’s amazing how many thoughts can rush into your brain in one instance, and at that instant I had 9 years of memories fluttering around in my brain. I didn’t really have a whole answer for him though; I was a little stumped because there was so much underneath the reason why I searched for him on myspace. It wasn’t just because of one event or thought; it was because of a million little things.
The day I searched for his name on myspace wasn’t the first time I wanted to talk to him in the years since we parted ways. It was just the first time I had the guts to. You see, I was a (for lack of a better word) bitch to him 9 years ago. I was selfish, and wasn’t very careful with his feelings back then. I never expected for him to ever forgive me for the way I ended things between us. And what’s more, I never dreamed we would become friends again, let alone ever see each other again. But it happened.
It was 1996 or ‘97 I think if I’m remembering correctly. I met him in class, in Flagstaff where we were both in the same major in college. I don’t remember a lot of how we became such good friends, but I do remember being over at his house all the time just hanging out. Things progressed; we got closer and started seeing each other seriously. We graduated, I stayed in Flagstaff and he moved to Phoenix. We had plans to move in together and I got cold feet. The year before I had ended my first seven year relationship because I wanted to date other people, and then I met Rugby Dude. It scared me a lot that I had such strong feelings for him so soon after becoming single. I remember looking at apartments with him, visiting him in Phoenix and panicking when I realized how strongly my feelings were for him. I was scared of getting right back into a relationship, and I really really liked him, I was falling fast. I broke it off by telling him I just wanted to be friends. It was an easy out, and I was extremely careless with his feelings. I was a big chicken. I hate myself for that.
What I hate even more about the way I handled it was the fact that I met the Dreamer just weeks after breaking up with Rugby Dude. Pretty soon, my whole focus was on Dreamer and I completely shut out RD. Part of that was because Dreamer was so jealous, and I was heartless to turn RD away even as a friend. I knew it would only hurt him further if he knew I had fallen for someone else so soon after our breakup. I stopped answering his calls, never answered his letters and soon completely lost touch. I was selfish and I regret that.
Hindsight is 20/20 and we all grow from our mistakes. I never forgot about him though. I thought about him a lot through the years, often wondered what he was up to, where he was, how he was, but never had the guts to try and find out. I know that breaking up the way I did was wrong but in some ways it was a good thing. Who knows what would have happened if we had stayed together, but I know I wouldn’t take back the years because they are a part of me now, and I’ve learned a lot about life, and what love really is. I learned how to grow from my mistakes. People change, I have changed a lot since then. I understand the value of being completely truthful with the ones you love, and being true to yourself, and after all these years I understand how completely important it is to live life with no regrets. Things happen for a reason, and for whatever reason I think all this time has passed between us for some purpose. I don’t know what yet, and maybe it isn’t for me to know, but I do know I am completely thankful for whatever reason it was that led to us meeting again.
I can hate myself, and apologize for things over and over, but I think its time to forgive myself for the way I behaved back then. I was so young. We were both so young. And seeing him now just reminds me of how immature I really was when it came to love. I threw away a really good thing back then; I just didn’t know any better. I know now. I have grown up in so many ways since then, experienced so many things, met so many people who helped me to gain new perspectives and taught me how to look at life through adult eyes. I wouldn’t take back a second of any of that. I know he wouldn’t either.
So here we are almost 10 years later; a few more wrinkles, a lot of new scars (inside and out) a few pounds lost and gained - the package has aged with time but what’s inside is still pretty much the same. I’m so happy that I finally found the courage to look him up. I think if it were at any other point in my life it might not have worked out the way it has. I’m even happier that he still has such a big heart, and could forgive me for my mistakes. It’s in the past now.
I’m not sure where it’s going, I’m just happy for today. And the fact that he is back in my life is enough to keep a constant smile on my face for a very very long time to come. I will just end this by saying this is definitely a “to be continued” story that started almost 10 years ago. I’m not going to rush with any of it, I’m not going to live for tomorrow, and I’m not going to worry anymore about the past. I’m living for what is right now; and all I know is that right now, at this very pin point in time I am happy and that is all that matters.
*Note to self
Don’t mess this up again Jenni
just follow your gut
and wear your heart on your sleeve.
-Jenni
posted by Jenni at
8:43 PM
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