Where the heck am I?
Where the heck am I?
The blog is causing controversy in Jenni Land
(and this entry will cause more I’m sure)
First off, I’m getting kind of annoyed right now at people close to me- friends and family- who read my blog. Before I invited anyone I knew into my blog, things were perfect, I could get my feelings out, frustrations and anxieties about my life without worry. Now that my parents are reading, and Lummox reads religiously every day (even reads all the comments I get from readers) I feel like I can’t be myself without hurting someone’s feelings in one way or another. If I write that my parents are embarrassing me- mom gets all up in a tizzy that I’m hurting her “to the soul”. If I write something innocently (innocent in my mind at least) or it is worded in a certain way that can be misinterpreted Lummox gets his feelings crushed and my motives are questioned.
I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and can only write about a specific set of things now. All eyes are on me and I feel pressure. What started out as a place for me to go by myself, a therapeutic place for me to write, has completely changed. It has turned into an uncomfortable place where I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make everyone else happy. Can anyone else tell you that your feelings, good or bad, are wrong?
It is a hard thing to explain to the people you are close to- that you don’t write for anyone but yourself- although it is out there for anyone and everyone in the world to read on the internet. Now I feel like shutting my friends and family off from any access to reading here. I’m even considering an alternate blog altogether to write my real frustrations so they don’t get their feelings hurt- because I can't tell them, especially my parents EVERYTHING that’s on my mind. But the more I try and explain- the more they just don’t understand. Why do I write my personal life for everyone in the world to see, but can’t share these things with them? I don’t write for everyone else, I write for me and only me. I know that sounds selfish- it is what it is.
What happened to this place being mine? It was MY place to go to write my feelings, and if random people wanted to read- great- that doesn’t bother me- I don’t have to see them every day, and feel guilty for writing something because I don’t personally know 99% of my readers. But it does bother me when people I am close to decide to put their two cents in- it changes everything. It changes the whole atmosphere of it being my thoughts on paper, it transforms into a group project and that isn’t what I want- Its mine. Shouldn’t it be that since I am allowing them a glimpse into my life, they should appreciate that for what it is and keep their opinions to themselves? That is how I’m beginning to feel. This is MY place- I don’t care if they look- just don’t touch and don’t make me feel guilty for writing from my heart. I’m not going to censor myself anymore.
I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a place I don’t like being. I feel like I can’t do anything right, and I definitely feel like I’m not writing from my true self here anymore because people I am close to are reading. This has become a big dilemma to me. I want my private time back. I don’t know where to go from here- and I hate it.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
The blog is causing controversy in Jenni Land
(and this entry will cause more I’m sure)
First off, I’m getting kind of annoyed right now at people close to me- friends and family- who read my blog. Before I invited anyone I knew into my blog, things were perfect, I could get my feelings out, frustrations and anxieties about my life without worry. Now that my parents are reading, and Lummox reads religiously every day (even reads all the comments I get from readers) I feel like I can’t be myself without hurting someone’s feelings in one way or another. If I write that my parents are embarrassing me- mom gets all up in a tizzy that I’m hurting her “to the soul”. If I write something innocently (innocent in my mind at least) or it is worded in a certain way that can be misinterpreted Lummox gets his feelings crushed and my motives are questioned.
I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and can only write about a specific set of things now. All eyes are on me and I feel pressure. What started out as a place for me to go by myself, a therapeutic place for me to write, has completely changed. It has turned into an uncomfortable place where I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make everyone else happy. Can anyone else tell you that your feelings, good or bad, are wrong?
It is a hard thing to explain to the people you are close to- that you don’t write for anyone but yourself- although it is out there for anyone and everyone in the world to read on the internet. Now I feel like shutting my friends and family off from any access to reading here. I’m even considering an alternate blog altogether to write my real frustrations so they don’t get their feelings hurt- because I can't tell them, especially my parents EVERYTHING that’s on my mind. But the more I try and explain- the more they just don’t understand. Why do I write my personal life for everyone in the world to see, but can’t share these things with them? I don’t write for everyone else, I write for me and only me. I know that sounds selfish- it is what it is.
What happened to this place being mine? It was MY place to go to write my feelings, and if random people wanted to read- great- that doesn’t bother me- I don’t have to see them every day, and feel guilty for writing something because I don’t personally know 99% of my readers. But it does bother me when people I am close to decide to put their two cents in- it changes everything. It changes the whole atmosphere of it being my thoughts on paper, it transforms into a group project and that isn’t what I want- Its mine. Shouldn’t it be that since I am allowing them a glimpse into my life, they should appreciate that for what it is and keep their opinions to themselves? That is how I’m beginning to feel. This is MY place- I don’t care if they look- just don’t touch and don’t make me feel guilty for writing from my heart. I’m not going to censor myself anymore.
I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in a place I don’t like being. I feel like I can’t do anything right, and I definitely feel like I’m not writing from my true self here anymore because people I am close to are reading. This has become a big dilemma to me. I want my private time back. I don’t know where to go from here- and I hate it.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni
posted by Jenni at
7:33 PM
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