Friday, June 09, 2006

Comfortably Numb

Comfortably Numb

Maybe I’m just not relationship material anymore. Maybe I have gotten so used to taking care of myself that I don’t need anyone to take care of me anymore. Maybe I have toughened over the last few years for my own protection. Maybe my instincts tell me to run when I’m put into a situation of pressure. Maybe my intuition tells me to back away when I feel uncomfortable. Maybe now that I’m older I have learned to rely on myself, and no one else. Are these such awful things that they make me a horrible person?

Yes, we broke up again. He told me that I am too protected and have become distant lately. That isn’t what he wants, understandably. Well I have become distant lately because he has changed too, it wasn’t just me. He has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. He is a lot needier than I can handle. I mean, I don’t know many people that deal well under pressure. I for one am not a person that does well when pressed for answers, or when my actions are under the microscope all the time. Yeah- when I am put into the spotlight my instinct tells me to freeze, like a deer in the headlights. If there is a possibility that I could do or say the wrong thing, I just clam up. It’s engrained in me. I can’t help it. It’s just who I am.

I have a big thing with feeling safe. If I don’t feel safe, I run home. It has been a constant theme in my life when it comes to relationships. For once I have created a safety all on my own. I have built my own little empire that I can finally feel completely protected in. I guess I am not ready to give up my personal security for the unknown, and that makes him angry. I don’t know why that is so wrong? I have to protect myself.

There are things I know that I just can’t fix. I mean there are a lot of things that I never knew about him that I’m not sure that I could live with for the rest of my life. I’m sure there are a lot of things he doesn’t like about me either. Don’t get me wrong- I have major issues myself and I would never point fingers at him, but there are some issues here that overshadow a lot for both of us. Most of it is that I am continuously hurting him in one way or another. I have 5 years of hurting him, constantly hanging over my head haunting me every day. I guess I can add this one to the collection.

Good relationships are easy, they just happen, they naturally just work. Our friendship worked effortlessly, but the dynamic between us changed tremendously when we took it further. I’m definitely not saying that relationships aren’t hard work, but this...This one takes too much energy. It’s too much for me emotionally. I feel drained of everything lately. I literally am just exhausted of working on “things”- things that I don’t have the capability of fixing or making better, because I don’t believe they should have been issues in the first place. He expects me to be able to fix it. I just can’t live up to the expectations that have been set, nor can I live with the constant picking apart of my words and actions. I can’t do or say what he wants me to, and I am not who he expects me to be. So I shut down, and that makes him angrier. What a disappointment I am. I can’t fix it. There is no fix.

Lummox is a great guy, I thought maybe I could take our friendship and make it work romantically, but it just doesn’t work. The dynamic just isn’t there like I thought it would be, and once again I have hurt him. I am not sure how any of this will turn out, not even sure if he will want to remain friends, the last time this happened he said he couldn’t handle being friends, so we will see what he decides. I wouldn’t blame him if he just never wanted to talk to me again. I shouldn’t have started this relationship; I should have left it at “just friends”. I probably ruined both a good friendship and a good relationship. I have been guilty of doing this before; I am a serial friendship ruiner.

What I need, is some time away from all of this. I am completely drained of any personality that I used to have to be able to deal with something like this. I am numbed.

I predicted this when I was six years old. I remember back then, boys had cooties and I just couldn’t understand how anyone could marry them and have kids with them. Boys were stupid when I was little. I had my whole life planned out back then. I would be an artist, live in an apartment and save money in a coffee can until I had saved enough to have a baby, no man in the picture. Back then, I wasn’t sure where babies came from but I knew they cost a lot of money. Gosh, it sounds so simple doesn’t it? The thought has somehow lingered in the back of my mind for 26 years. Maybe it really was a prediction for how my life would turn out?

Want to know the sad part? I think I am okay with it...for now at least.



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