Monday, June 05, 2006

Hello Kitty

Hello Kitty

I accidentally found her.
It has almost been two years since I found out the Dreamer had been cheating on me with a younger girl in another state. He had another life, one that he created secretly and separately from the life he had with me. I was just as much a secret to her as she was from me in his little world; until I hacked into his email account and read about their mystery life.

He told her I had left him long before I had even thought about leaving. He told me he was going out of state for work. He would leave for a couple weeks at a time, sometimes; and it wasn’t until after I finally left him that I discovered he had really been going to see her instead of working. I was even paying for the rent he couldn’t pay because he had taken so much time off to go see her. It was sickening when I found out.

In an email between them, I read the lies he was telling her about me. He told her I had moved out months before; when she questioned why my personal belongings were still in the house we lived in together. She had been in my house, probably in my bed with my boyfriend at the time; probably used some of my things and all the while I never knew she existed. Revolting.

What makes me more nauseated was that he would go on these “work” trips to go see her, spend time with her, and then come home to me and tell me that he loved me- and I believed him. I believed that he was going on work trips because his friends backed him up. These are the same friends that I trusted as my own friends; one of them was also our roommate (Ill call him Musty) and a guy who I thought was one of my best friends. Turns out nothing was what I believed.

Today, on my myspace page I was reading through the newest bulletins posted and noticed one from Musty which was unusual because he does not use myspace regularly. He also had changed his normal picture so I decided to pay his myspace page a visit. Now, lets back up a bit- Last year, I was obsessed with finding out everything I could about the girl that the Dreamer had cheated on me with. I only found out a few things before I lost interest; until today. After only a couple of clicks on myspace friends, there she was.

Caitlin. 22 years old.

The rush of anger and betrayal came back to me all in that one glance. My heart began to race and seemed as if it had moved up my chest and into my throat, I could hardly swallow. “ friends know me as Kitty...” I read in her about me section and I couldn’t move. I sat there staring at her myspace page listening to the blood rush in my veins, and I didn’t know what to do. I finally found her, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. Am I so cowardly? Or am I just over it?

If this was last year, I would have sent her a little email already and would be anxiously awaiting a reply. I don’t know where it would have gotten me, and it probably would just create a sort of drama that I don’t want in my life anymore, but possibly it would have gotten me some sort of closure. Today, just knowing where I can find her, is closure enough on the situation. I’m over it.

Maybe the fun was all in the chase, and now that I found her it’s not so much fun. Maybe I am just over the drama? Maybe I am scared to bring up all those old feelings again? Who knows? (She doesn’t have a picture of herself up yet, I’m really interested in what she looks like.) I don't know wheather to feel sorry for her or hate her.

I do know that I am finally past all that. I decided long ago to put all that stuff behind me; I just wish it wouldn’t bring back all those feelings of anger and frustration all over again. I need to learn how to get past those feelings of bitterness before I can finally be free of it.

I will tell you; for me, writing about it gives me some contentment and release.



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