Getting Real

6/22/2006
Getting Real

I’m done being nice. And I’m done with men.
I tried my hardest to just let him have his space...he is the one who says hello on IM for the last few days, I didn’t approach him. If you are going to talk then talk, don’t say hello and then give me the friggin silent treatment. It’s as if he had a gun to his head-and if he started a topic of conversation or said more than one word at a time that gun would go off. If you have things to say then say them, don’t wait for me to ask- I’m through pulling things out of him that he is really willing to tell me anyway. It like pulling teeth getting him to friggin talk to me- have a normal conversation. He has things to talk about- he just sits there and waits for me to ask about them, if I never said anything- he wouldn’t say anything at all. If all you have to talk about is relationship stuff, things you hate about me, or you just want to play the blame game – sorry bud, I’m done with that stuff and I’m moving on. If you have ammunition to throw at me- go somewhere else to throw your temper tantrum, I’m not going to take it. And if you actually decide to drop a bomb on me- mean it, don’t turn right around and apologize your ass off as if you are a martyr. Apologies are cop outs and if you never meant to say it why did it come out of your mouth in the first place...you meant it that’s why. If you aren’t ready for a friendship- don’t even try to pretend, don’t come on IM and just say hi and then wait there for me to come rescue you, its not going to happen. You can’t pretend to want it either, if you want it you would be where I am and really trying to stay upbeat in conversation, not dwell on the past, I’m moving on he is stuck in his own quick sand. But you are not, don’t pretend that you want to be friends, when you can’t let go of the relationship. The relationship will never happen, a friendship is possible but you can’t wallow in your sorrows and expect me to pull you out. I can’t be that girl who listens to you talk about your ex- girlfriend (me) and how she ruined you; I am not that person anymore and its silly to view me in that light. And stop pointing fingers at me, it took both of us to break up, this was your decision too. What, were you trying to scare me into working things out? Stop telling me that I didn’t lose anything from this; I lost just as much as you did, the difference is that I am choosing to get up off my pitiful ass and get on with my life. Don’t expect me to understand your feelings, they are YOURS to understand, I have my own feelings and I understand them, that’s all that matters. And for fucks sake GROW UP. I’m done with him bringing me down just because he is in a bad mood. Don’t steal my sunshine if I’m having a good day. And don’t take out your frustrations on me if you feel like shit and I’m trying to cheer you up. I’m done with always being the person who listens to his problems when I’ve got problems of my own, but he doesn’t care about them since he’s so focused on his own woe is me story. Its tit for tat buddy and I’m taking my tits elsewhere. I’m done with talking about what went wrong, why it went wrong, and whose fault it was. What is the point? Its over! Deal with it!

I am so ready to just live for today, not for what could be in the future, not for what was in my past, and definitely not for what could have been. I’m living for what is, and that is today- reality.

When he is over the relationship and reverts back to the Lummox I used to know; He knows where I am. He needs to stop stalking me, stop IMing me, stop snooping on all the myspace messages Ive left other people, and stop reading my blog.
Yes I am a bitch. A very fed up, tired, emotionally exhausted, done with men forever- bitch with a capital B I T C H. I don’t need a man to complete me. Now I know why some women go lesbian.

-Jen