Wednesday, June 14, 2006

In Limbo

In Limbo

Why do I feel like I was the one who ended this relationship? It was a very mutual thing. Why do I feel guilty like I was the one who broke this off? I’m not the only one who decided to end it. In fact he was the one who repeatedly said things like “I’m sorry I’m not going to live like this.” I think he expected me to change so that the relationship would continue on his terms. I honestly thing he was surprised that I agreed with him, that I too could not live like this. Did he expect for me to just lie down, do what he asked, forget everything I wanted from the relationship and things would be peachy?

How come I feel like I am the only one asking for forgiveness here? Am I asking too much? All I want is for him to see the possibility of us remaining friends. I’m not asking for it to happen immediately, I am aware that he is hurt because I am hurt too. I’m not asking for him to change, all I’m asking is for him to decide one way or another. But it seems all I’m getting from him are a list of things he doesn’t like about me. That’s not an answer.

I don’t feel like he is doing anything more in this situation than obsessing over what was said and done in the past. By saying past- I mean our relationship up until last weekend. Maybe he just isn’t ready to move on. Maybe he just wants to sit and wallow in his hurt. I guess I should just let him. It’s not helping either one of us to just talk again and again about the same issues.

I don’t agree with his side, just as he doesn’t agree with my side of the breakup and what led me to the point of backing away from him. He just continuously asks me to see things from his side. If I saw things from his side, I wouldn’t be here right now. It’s a ridiculous thing we do in relationships; thinking that the other person will think the same as you. It doesn’t work that way. If you want a mirror image of yourself, you are just asking for trouble. We are two different people, with two completely different points of view. If you can’t agree to disagree on some issues, you will just drag each other under. Right now I feel so dragged down, I’m not sure which way is up.

All I want is to move past all the things that didn’t work, and work on what we have left. I’m tired of talking about the same issues that got us here, were just running in circles. Again, I want to let things go; while he is still examining the same old issues. Let it go so we can move forward with what we can salvage. Hopefully this can return to a friendship, I can let it but can he?

Am I asking him for too much too soon? Am I being irrational here?



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