Venting
6/13/2006
Venting
Vent (v ent) n.
A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet.
To express one's thoughts or feelings, especially forcefully
Disclaimer:
There are two sides to every story. This is my point of view. I wrote this while very “in the moment” so it may come off sounding angry. I am sure I will feel better ten minutes from now, tomorrow and next week I may feel differently. This does not define who I am, just what I felt in the moment- Venting.
Well, I think it’s over. I think the friendship died between Lummox and me. RIP. There is this weird dynamic between us now-either he doesn’t listen to a word I say- or misinterprets what I say and he is way over my head most times now. If I tell him I’m confused he goes off on a rant Oh yes of course it’s me that is always confusing. The part that I can’t deal with is when he talks to me as if I’m some other person- gives me major guilt trips, raises his voice at me, and is completely sarcastic about things. I have never seen this side of him before and frankly it scares me. He has become so cynical- I don’t like talking to him when he is like that. That is the side of him that made me start to back away in the first place. Now it seems as if that is how he is going to be whenever we talk, and I guess I can’t handle that. I know I need to give him some time, and at first I thought he didn’t want me to give him space. But I am going to give it to him even if he doest want it.
Why do we think that after entering into a relationship that gives us a free pass to say things to hurt the other? I try really hard to be a genuine person, but I am not going to say something underhandedly to hurt anyone. I try to keep those things to myself, but still in ways I don’t understand- Lummox is continuously hurt by the things I say. He is so fragile it’s like walking on egg shells lately when talking to him. I can’t ask a simple question; even just asking him to clarify his thoughts for me because I was confused sets him off on an angry outburst. He presumes that I don’t have a clue. No- he doesn’t presume- he claims to know that I don’t have a clue what HE has lost in this situation. Oh Pardon me...I have lost just as much as he has lost in this situation; it’s not all about him- I was half of this situation and it works both ways.
I am choosing to try to get over it, and get on with my life. My last relationship brought me to my knees. I changed myself so much over the 7 years I was with the Dreamer that when I finally got out of it- I didn’t know who I was anymore. There is no way I am going through that again. I have spent almost two years building myself back up from ruin, I will not go back to the weak minded person I once was. I will not do that for anyone, not even my best friend. If you don’t like me for who I am, the way I am, move along because I can not be changed. And I sure as hell won’t change for any man ever again. Why can’t Lummox see why I backed away from him when he was showing those same traits I hated about the Dreamer?
If I really sit back and remember back to his last relationship, I can pick out clues I saw back a few years ago. I should have seen those as red flags and just left our friendship as it was. I shouldn’t have touched it. I remember thinking back then- when he would fight with his girlfriend at that time- he would become obsessed with thinking about it, working over it in his head, over thinking most times, and running it into the ground, and having really angry phone and IM conversations with her- and then come running to me to tell me about all the things he wishes were different about her. Um hello- red flag. I don’t know how anyone could live with that for the rest of their life. I guess I never saw it until now
I told him I would give him some space yesterday after yet another argument. And today he was right back in my face- So much for that idea. I don’t think he will ever be the same again. It’s my fault, I know. I guess I didn’t invest as much as he did into the relationship and we are now in different places with different levels of emotions. I don’t know why I’m like that, I am not saying it is a bad thing, but I got over this a lot faster than he will. It was gradual, and started the minute we first argued in February, but I think I’m past the emotions he wants to see from me.
I guess now its up to him, he already knows I’m ready to move on from this. I just don’t think he is strong enough; understandably. I am not heartless, I am not perfect, and I deal with things differently. I have issues, but I think I have them under control. The most important thing to me right now is that I remain strong. I will not let this destroy me. I will move on from this, with or without him.
ru•in (roo-in) n.
An irrecoverable state of devastation and destruction
-Jenni
Venting
Vent (v ent) n.
A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet.
To express one's thoughts or feelings, especially forcefully
Disclaimer:
There are two sides to every story. This is my point of view. I wrote this while very “in the moment” so it may come off sounding angry. I am sure I will feel better ten minutes from now, tomorrow and next week I may feel differently. This does not define who I am, just what I felt in the moment- Venting.
Well, I think it’s over. I think the friendship died between Lummox and me. RIP. There is this weird dynamic between us now-either he doesn’t listen to a word I say- or misinterprets what I say and he is way over my head most times now. If I tell him I’m confused he goes off on a rant Oh yes of course it’s me that is always confusing. The part that I can’t deal with is when he talks to me as if I’m some other person- gives me major guilt trips, raises his voice at me, and is completely sarcastic about things. I have never seen this side of him before and frankly it scares me. He has become so cynical- I don’t like talking to him when he is like that. That is the side of him that made me start to back away in the first place. Now it seems as if that is how he is going to be whenever we talk, and I guess I can’t handle that. I know I need to give him some time, and at first I thought he didn’t want me to give him space. But I am going to give it to him even if he doest want it.
Why do we think that after entering into a relationship that gives us a free pass to say things to hurt the other? I try really hard to be a genuine person, but I am not going to say something underhandedly to hurt anyone. I try to keep those things to myself, but still in ways I don’t understand- Lummox is continuously hurt by the things I say. He is so fragile it’s like walking on egg shells lately when talking to him. I can’t ask a simple question; even just asking him to clarify his thoughts for me because I was confused sets him off on an angry outburst. He presumes that I don’t have a clue. No- he doesn’t presume- he claims to know that I don’t have a clue what HE has lost in this situation. Oh Pardon me...I have lost just as much as he has lost in this situation; it’s not all about him- I was half of this situation and it works both ways.
I am choosing to try to get over it, and get on with my life. My last relationship brought me to my knees. I changed myself so much over the 7 years I was with the Dreamer that when I finally got out of it- I didn’t know who I was anymore. There is no way I am going through that again. I have spent almost two years building myself back up from ruin, I will not go back to the weak minded person I once was. I will not do that for anyone, not even my best friend. If you don’t like me for who I am, the way I am, move along because I can not be changed. And I sure as hell won’t change for any man ever again. Why can’t Lummox see why I backed away from him when he was showing those same traits I hated about the Dreamer?
If I really sit back and remember back to his last relationship, I can pick out clues I saw back a few years ago. I should have seen those as red flags and just left our friendship as it was. I shouldn’t have touched it. I remember thinking back then- when he would fight with his girlfriend at that time- he would become obsessed with thinking about it, working over it in his head, over thinking most times, and running it into the ground, and having really angry phone and IM conversations with her- and then come running to me to tell me about all the things he wishes were different about her. Um hello- red flag. I don’t know how anyone could live with that for the rest of their life. I guess I never saw it until now
I told him I would give him some space yesterday after yet another argument. And today he was right back in my face- So much for that idea. I don’t think he will ever be the same again. It’s my fault, I know. I guess I didn’t invest as much as he did into the relationship and we are now in different places with different levels of emotions. I don’t know why I’m like that, I am not saying it is a bad thing, but I got over this a lot faster than he will. It was gradual, and started the minute we first argued in February, but I think I’m past the emotions he wants to see from me.
I guess now its up to him, he already knows I’m ready to move on from this. I just don’t think he is strong enough; understandably. I am not heartless, I am not perfect, and I deal with things differently. I have issues, but I think I have them under control. The most important thing to me right now is that I remain strong. I will not let this destroy me. I will move on from this, with or without him.
ru•in (roo-in) n.
An irrecoverable state of devastation and destruction
-Jenni
posted by Jenni at
8:20 PM
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