Sunday, June 11, 2006

summer sunshine

I tried to keep myself busy all weekend, so as not to think to much about my breakup with Lummox. I replanted some plants I got in November that have grown incredibly since then. Who would have thunk it? I can actually keep plants alive! Now, tomato plants are another story. I think they are just about dead. I transplanted the ones that werent that bad off, but they are still very puney. I watched two Jennifer Aniston movies because she is my breakup idol. I made the mistake of watching Pride and Predjudice, it just made me sadder. But I did get a good painting out of it. One of the scenes inspired me to do a watercolor. Its very dark and dismal but I love the dramatic scope of it. When it dries Ill put a pic of it up.

Lummox hasnt spoken to me since Friday, and even then it was like pulling teeth. He tells me he just isnt ready for "happy talk" and that he is pissed off when he thinks about our seperate futures. I wonder if this friendship will survive. Like I mentioned before, I am a serial friendship ruiner, and I just have a feeling in my gut that Lummox wont get past this anger.

I think I kept my heart more protected than he did in this situation. I dont know if I will ever be able to fully leave my heart open to anyone again, for fear of the unknown, for fear that I may be hurt again like I was hurt from my last breakup two years ago. I am a lot more guarded than I used to be. In this case, it saved me from being destroyed. The old Jenni would have been in bed all weekend contemplating how horrible life is. I haven't even really cried yet. Does that make me a horrible person, or does it just make me hardened? In either case, I dont think Lummox expected this from me. I guess I've just made access to my heart a lot more difficult. I know I have changed, but it is only to protect myself from being hurt again.

Well, Cody is bugging me for a walk so Id better pay him some attention before he eats more of my laundry. It really doesnt feel like its 99 degrees outside, especially with this cd playing! Off to the park~


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home