Crawling into myself

Crawling into myself…July 15, 2005



Im back to my blue feeling again. Its only because I am still hitting road blocks with looking for a house. I know I need to be patient, but why am I not allowed to get my heart set on something and actually end up happy about it? Why doest that ever work for me? Why can't something that I am really looking forward to, ever end up right? Am I cursed? Am I setting my hopes too high? All I want is a safe space of my own, with a yard. Those are my only stipulations. I know, it has only been a week since I started looking. Its this anxiety and impatience about things I look forward to, that ends up ruining the whole thing. I feel like crawling into myself and going to sleep for a very long time. Instead, I am finding quotes that I like...


God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. ~Bertold Brecht

Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour. ~Arthur Schopenhauer
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet. ~Stanislaw Lec
Life is a series of collisions with the future. ~José Ortega y Gasset
My idea of superwoman is someone who scrubs her own floors. ~Bette Midler
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop. ~G.M. Weilacher

There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values. ~David G. Myers, Social Psychology
Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. ~John Lennon
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. ~Jennifer Yane

Home is where you can say anything you like cause nobody listens to you anyway. ~Author Unknown
Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. ~Frederick W. Robertson

Big Bowl of Crazy

Big Bowl of Crazy…July 14, 2005


Sorry for the small rambling text yesterday, I cant seem to change the size since I copied and pasted it from hotmail. Oh well, its too long to read anyway. I know I get a bit wordy when Im upset especially, I am working on that! :)

Gosh, I am really realizing now that I was in such a bad place back then. How did I manage to get through more than 6 years of that? I mean it wasn’t like that all the time and yes there were a lot of really great times, but looking back at something like that...its painful. We probably had a tiff like that once a week at least, and sometimes it was me who started it, but most times I had no idea what the heck was going on. It was seriously like I was dating 3 different guys all wrapped up into one big bowl of crazy. I know now that I should have gotten out of the relationship a lot sooner. I am seeing all the signs now, looking back and remembering the first time he made me feel insane. It was back when we first met:

We lived in the same complex, across a courtyard from one another. He had come over to my place every day for almost a week as soon as he would get home from work. One day he didnt come over, so I went over there to say hello and he completely ignored me. He was obviously annoyed by my presence so I left, and wondered to myself what I had done wrong. (I did nothing wrong, he was having one of his inner demon problems, but at the time I couldnt see it) I sat at home and got sad, and wondered if that was the end of our relationship. Later that night he came over and was acting normal again. I asked him why he treated me like I was invisible earlier that day, and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "what are you talking about?"...I dont know about you, but I am a creature of habit. When someone acts and treats you one way for a week, and then one day it changes, something feels wrong. So I told him that, and he blew it off like he had no idea what i was talking about. I felt insane of course because there was no explanation. Knowing now what I didnt know then, he had probably gotten into an arguement at work or something and was venting it off onto me but didnt want to admit it.

I should have taken that day as a sign. I didnt see the signs for 6 years! I guess when you dont know what to watch for, you completely miss them. Now I know. I am going to trust my instincts from now on, because I knew that very first time he made me feel confused, that something wasnt right. I have had this knot in my stomach for almost 7 years now because of him, and its time to let it go.

I am in such an exciting part of my life right now! Everything is new! No more static thinking, from now on I am moving forward. One foot in front of the other, and no running allowed. First step, look for a little place of my own. Thats where I am now, and I love the way it feels. It promotes positive thinking and gets the rusty wheels in my head turning. Now I am concentrating on what is in front of me, without turning back and I am leaving that big bowl of crazy right where I left it.
Hang on ~ the second step forward is coming soon!

Hunted Houses

Hunted Houses…July 12, 2005

The hunt for a house continues today. Yesterday was filled with road blocks. I looked online and filled out about 16 different forms for a plethora of realtors, I got about half of them to reply and the only possibility I turned out with was a Duplex. It is still a possibility, but I think I am going to keep looking because this one in particular has issues. First off, the positives about it are that is really convenient to work, it is two stories and has a guest bedroom and a huge back yard with a shade tree. The negatives are that it is a bit out of my price range and when I was looking over the amenities there was a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the ad that read "former tennant committed suicide in residence 2005" hmmmm, I dont know if I could get past that little tidbit. My sister took on an apartment a couple years ago and right before she moved in she found out a man had died in there. Now every time something strange happens she blames him. But strange things do happen there, in fact when I stayed with her for her graduation weekend, In the middle fo the night her front door opened and then after I closed it and thought I locked it-opened again later in the morning. Weird. So Im not sure about that one, I think it will stay on my list but way at the bottom :) Today I have the sunday paper with red circles and black X marks all over it, and will be making a lot of calls during my lunch break. Wish me luck!

Blue

Blue…July 11, 2005




Ive got "the blues", as they say. I dont know what to do about it, other than just ignore them. I did absolutely nothing this weekend, other than lay on the couch upstairs and watch movies. Absolutely useless, that is what keeps rolling through my mind when I think about what I could have done with my time. Well, I did get caught up on my sleep at least. Sunday I didnt get out of bed until 4pm. It felt good in a way, but for the rest of the daylight hours I felt like crap. My body is too old to do those things anymore. When I was younger I could stay up all night, sleep till noon and feel fine. Those days are long over. My body hates me nowadays. And vice versa. I think I will start walking the treadmill again, maybe that will help me with my energy level. I still need to stop drinking altogether. Ive taken care of the drinking on the weeknights dillemma, now I need to deal with weekends. I just get bored, and it seems like I am addicted to carbonation, so when I get home on Friday nights all I want is a cold beer. Maybe I should get non alcoholic beer? Hmmm that thought never occurred to me before. I shall do that this weekend! Stellar! Today, I need to get a realtor to help me find a place to move, I am getting restless at mom and dads, and I need to move forward with things. These are all things I know: I need to stop drinking, I need to stop being depressed, I need to move into my own space. Easier said than done. Think good thoughts for me, I need a duplex or somethng small with a yard for Cody. Hopefully a realtor will be able to help me.

Restless

Restless…July 8, 2005



Whew...what a week! Im really looking foreward to the weekend. I didnt sleep again last night! But at least one thing put me a little bit more at ease: I got a text from the ex, so at least I know nothing happened to him. Whenever I have bad dreams about someone I get really worried until I hear from them. When I was thinking to myself if the ex would even respond to a text from me, I thought "well if he doesnt respond, thats just him". And that is true, sometimes he likes to drag you through things before he helps you out. I sent him the text, asking him if he was ok because i had bad dreams about him. He knows how important dreams are to me, and I can totaly see him reading the text from me and ignoring it just to get to me. If he hadnt have answered I would have known everything was ok. If he did answer I knew it would probably be with something along the lines of "ya, but..." Thats not exactically what I got this time though. This time I got "thats weird, so has my dad-guess im supposed to die soon" Thats not funny. But it is totaly him.

When I first met him he told me that everyone who knew him thought he probably wouldnt live past 21. Not because of an illness, or anything life threatening, but because he likes to push life to the edge. He likes to push EVERYTHING to the edge. Honestly, I really am surprised he lived past 25 after all the debauchery he put himself into, and all the automobile accidents he has been in. I really hope that he calms down soon, so at least the people who care the most about him can stop worrying all the time about how he is and if he is ok. I still think about him a lot, apparently, and I worry about him. One of these days he will call me, or send me a text message and I will feel better, again...but until then I guess Ill just have to live with this restless feeling under my skin. I just wish he understood the feeling, and would tone his carelessness down for the sake of those people who, like me, worry about him.

Until he is finished conquering the seven summits of the world in record time, until he successfully feeds the beast inside of him that yearns for the rush of adrenaline, until he sheds his nomadic skin, until he just stops moving at the speed of light, my heart will continue racing until I know he is safe.

a bad dream

a bad dream…July 6, 2005

I had one of those nights where I just couldn’t stay asleep. About every hour I would wake up roll over and look at the alarm clock, check on my dog who was in his bed on the floor, and roll back to my original position to fall asleep again. I have been having night sweats lately, it is miserable when this happens! Its normal for this time of the month, which means PMS is near Watch Out! So Id wake up sweaty and hot, kick off my covers, and half hour later be cold again. Ugh! The last time I woke up the alarm clock read 5:21AM. It must have been in that time between until my alarm went off that I had this awful dream.


I was in bed, and woke up because something moved on the other side of the bed. Who was in my bed?! I rolled over quickly to find it was just Cody, playing under the covers. I laughed and scratched his head and talked to him for a minute until I heard a noise coming from downstairs. Codys ears perked up and we listened. I whispered "someone's here" and listened in the quiet for some sort of clue as to who it was. I was in my house, but it wasnt anywhere I had ever seen before in real life. Someone came up the stairs, I could see them in the narrow opening of my bedroom door. So I sat up and at the same time Rob pushed the door open and was standing there looking at me with a mad look in his eyes. He looked like he had just come from work, had his hand on his tie to loosen it and had paused to open my door. I was a little startled to see him, since I havent been home in almost a year. But this was my house, what is he doing here? Walking in my house like nothing happened between us. I said "hey" and he still had a furrow in his brow, and said "it sounded like you were talking to someone" and I said "yeah to Cody" and then he looked down the hall at a monitor there and said "oh from there it looked like someone was under the covers". I patted the pile of sheets next to me where Cody had been playing and they collapsed to the matress. He continued loosening his tie as he walked into the bedroom and seemed releived. I asked him "what, dont you trust me?" and the furrow returned to his face. The master manipulator that he is, he turned it around onto me and said "dont even go there" making me feel guilty for asking. So I got up and went to my closet, mad, and mumbled under my breath "what the hell are you doing here anyway" opeing my closed doors. Tie off, and shirt unbottoned he slid in behind me and put his arms around my waist. Im trying to ignore his monkey hug and Im sifting through my closet as he is attempting to explain what he is up to. His hands are wandering over the front of my body as Im trying to get dressed. I walk into the bathroom, and he follows me still explaining. Thinking back now all I can remember about his explanation was that he had been in school again...I have no idea why he was there but in my dream it made sense. He was there, trying to come back to me and needed my help of course. He wanted a place to stay. He picked me up and put me onto the bed in front of him and he sat up still talking excitedly about something I cant remember now. He said "I got a camera and Ive been taking pictures for you every day." In my head it seemed he was talking about naughty pictures. He paused for a minute and looked over his shoulder at his reflection in the mirror and made fun of himself, fixing his hair and checking out his teeth. He turned back to me and asked "do I look sweaty to you?" so I said "well why dont you get out of that long sleeved shirt?" he pulled the shirt over his head and wiped his face with it. But this time when he turned his head to look into the mirror, the side of his head was covered with dried blood, sticky, in his hair and in his ear. It looked like he had been shot in the head. There was blood all over that side of his body even. I could see it had run down his neck and chest underneath his arm and had pooled into the top of his jeans. I was horrifyed and tryed to catch my breath. Why wasnt the blood on any of his clothes? I reached up to his head and he pulled back, grabbing my wrist and smiled like it was nothing. He explained it, but again the only thing I can remember is that he said "well it started with the coke Zack gave me last week..."


...and then my alarm went off. I woke up with my heart in my throat, and felt like I needed to go save him. My heart didnt slow down for about half an hour this morning. I hate those dreams. Thank god it wasnt real.