no motivation

Its been a roller coaster of a day.

Today was supposed to be day one of my new “get up at 6am and exercise” day. That didn’t happen...big surprise. I am the biggest procrastinator in the world and I love sleep too much to get my lazy butt out of bed at 6am, what were you thinking? I have less motivation than a rug on valium. I was really good last night, I ate well and haven’t had a sip of alcohol for four straight days- which is a huge deal for me. I went to bed after I set out my walkman and walking shoes on top of my sweats, it was all ready for me! But when I woke up in the middle of the night and actually thought about getting up at 6...the alarm jumped ahead an hour and a half magically. I don’t know what happened! Honest! I hate myself when I do that. I get the motivation to do something- tomorrow. Tomorrow it never happens. Ever. Know what got me motivated last night? The live finale of Biggest Loser that’s what. How amazing is it that those people lost so much weight and they are still going! It is great. I want to have their motivation. Although it would be nice to have a personal trainer to drag my arse out of bed, that’s just not going to happen. I have to find the motivation myself. Where do I look? I’m thinking when I get home- I am going to drag out my scrapbooks from college- the one where every picture of me is a skinny one. I’m going to post them all over my house to remind me- THIS is what you could look like again, with just a little exercise and a better diet. I had a great body when I was 22 and Id cut off my big toe to have that figure back again. I got my first goal down though- to stop drinking. I am extremely proud of myself for that one. That should help a lot. I have a beer belly that’s been growing steadily since 1997. Ick. Tomorrow- I shall walk the track. Now its out there- there is pressure on me...I’m gonna do it!

I love being woken up by my dog. It’s the best thing for people who don’t do well in the mornings. Ive never been a morning person, and anyone who has ever tried to wake me up knows that I can be a beotch. But when Cody wakes me up it is the best alarm clock ever. He loves to snuggle...I love to snuggle, it’s a great morning. He normally sleeps on the floor on a big fluffy pillow, but this morning I woke up to the feeling of someone, or something, in the bed behind me. When I rolled over, Cody was on his back, head in-between my pillows, with all four legs up. When He noticed me, his tail began wagging and when he turned his head to look at me his lip flopped open and I couldn’t help but laugh until I cried. It was way too cute. I wish I could print the picture from my memory for you to see, I hope I described it alright. He loved me to rub his face when he first wakes up, even if I’m not awake yet I have found him next to my bed under my hand most mornings, waiting for me to start scratching. That’s when I tell him its okay to jump up and we snuggle for a little while. It’s the best.

When I got to work I checked my emails and I had a few from some new readers. One in particular caught my eye, because she sent two others that were waiting for me in my inbox. Now, normally I get emails from readers that just want to say hi, or comment on a few things, but she wrote me a really nice long email from her heart. It makes me feel so great that people can actually identify with my blog and find things in common with me. I love that feeling, it makes me feel more normal you know? She sent me a Kodak picture album, and shared her life with me and we do have a ton in common including our age! This whole experience has been so amazing to me. Never in a million years would I have imagined that there would be people out there who would want to read my blog every day! It is really inspiring to know people actually do. Id love to hear from any of you out there who actually read every day, since I got a million and a half responses from being featured and then on the msn today page this week. I know of my regulars (you know who you are) but Id love for whoever wants to; comment here on this entry and let me know who you are and if you have a blog to share. I have been trying hard to track back to the sites that have me linked and I know I’ve missed a ton of you, but I’m slowly getting around to thanking you all one by one! So anyway thanks to Nicole and thanks to Jamie for enduring my numerous rambling emails today! I hope that we will remain friends for a long time.

The downer for today is something kind of personal so I won’t write too much about it, because I’m not sure she wants everyone knowing. But my mother went into the hospital today. Had surgery and it turned out to be something completely different than what the doctors told us it was? It really made me mad, because my mother health was at risk. It was definitely an eye opener to me because I am basically a cookie cut of my mother. We are almost exactly the same, and I know with time I will have to deal with the same things she is going through today. It is scary that she is going through this. I’m so glad she has my dad there with her. If I had known it was as serious as it was, I’d have been there too. I’d have given the doctor a piece of my mind at least. I had to take a few breathers today, at work to calm myself so that I wouldn’t burst into tears at my desk. But things are okay now. She is out of surgery and doing well. When she wakes up, dad is supposed to call me.

Whew- if ever I needed a drink its tonight. But I’m not going to. I’m going to make a pot of tea and take a long hot bath. After all, I have an early day tomorrow right? Right!

To be continued....


(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Lummox in the land of NoRTH

Lummox in the land of NoRTH…November 28, 2005
This was WAY too good of a story to be left unsaid
If it were any more perfect, it would be a fairytale...

Cast:
The Brave and Handsome Lummox- himself
Princess Jenni- Me
Prince Dreamsalot- The Ex
Acquaintances- Former boss and friend

*Based on the true story and original happenings in Denver, CO in the fall of 2005*

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Denver in the land of Colorado there lived a Handsome Lummox. He was a very brave Lummox, as far as lummoxes go. He was in love with a beautiful princess who lived far far away, in a land called Austin Texas. The princess was also in love with the handsome Lummox and so she shouted it to the world. She didn’t care who heard it, not even Prince Dreamsalot who lived in the kingdom of NoRTH also in the land of Colorado. You see, many many years ago the Princess was in love with Prince Dreamsalot, but alas he broke the poor princess’s heart so she set out on a search for true love.

One day in the kingdom of Denver the Handsome Lummox heard the news shouted from all over the land, that Princess Jenni was also in love with him and he was pleased. There was much rejoicing. Upon hearing the news, he and some acquaintances decided to celebrate the evening. One acquaintance declared the kingdom of NoRTH was a spectacular place where all the beautiful people liked to gather. The brave Lummox knew that this was where Prince Dreamsalot dwelled, and pondered for only a moment but decided to go along regardless.

Upon arrival to the Kingdom of NoRTH, the brave Lummox observed Prince Dreamsalot from afar, and wondered if the Prince had heard the news shouted on high just that morning. Now, the acquaintances of the Lummox also knew Princess Jenni, but had not heard the news the Lummox was so excited about. Alas, they went unnoticed as Prince Dreamsalot passed them without recognition two or three times. The Lummox decided to take the experience at NoRTH as it came to him, as this was a chance happening that fit with the excitement of the day. It just fit, and he was content with that.

The acquaintances noticed Prince Dreamsalot looked very much like the Prince that Princess Jenni had formerly been in love with and called out for him. The Lummox was fine with that, as he would rather have a friendly conversation with Prince Dreamsalot, than to just have nothing happen. And the Prince came over to them and was polite, as polite as he could be. They all shook hands and greeted eachother, and there was small talk. All the while the brave Lummox knew that Prince Dreamsalot must have heard the news that Jenni had shouted on high, he could feel it, yet it was never spoken. The Lummox was pleased. He had gained a newfound reverence for his relationship with Princess Jenni, and he was glad everyone knew it. Things were happening so perfectly, and falling into place for the Lummox and his Princess. The timing was impeccable. There was much rejoicing.

The Handsome Lummox returned to the kingdom of Denver, but noticed upon his arrival that the landscape had been changed to a great extent. Denver was not the same to him as it was before. This was pleasing to the Lummox. History was changed forever and there was much rejoicing.

That night, the brave and handsome Lummox retold his epic journey to the land of NoRTH and the Princess was astounded and afraid for the Lummox, but alas, the Lummox comforted her with his serene and tranquil demeanor. The Lummox told of protecting her honor, from the gossiping of the aquaintances and steered the evening quite well. The Princess was pleased and there was much rejoicing. There was joyous joyous laughter and the Lummox and the Princess lived happily ever after.

THE END.
(¯`v´¯)
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¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni


*if this is confusing to you, Ill 'splain a little...
NoRth= the restaurant the ex works at
The Lummox ended up there the same night my blog went "big time", and we figured he'd probably read it already since Im pretty sure he had been reading for a while...he had mentioned one time a while back that he had read it. So The Lummox went with our former boss, to the restaurant my ex works at and since the day was filled with unexpected moments he wasnt sure what would happen, but he had a hand in steering the events that evening. All went well- the ex knew- the Lummox knew he knew and it was left at that. Afterwards he clued in our former boss to the situation and there was much rejoicing.

Marvelous things

Marvelous things…November 28, 2005


What happened to Thanksgiving?

Alright, I have to admit it; I am one of those psycho people who have already decorated their houses for Christmas. BUT- I haven’t put up my tree yet, so that counts for something right? My neighbors probably hate me. It started with pure boredom yesterday. I decided to pull down my decorations and lights- box just to have it handy for whenever I decided to put them up. When I came to- my lights were up in all the windows, the decorations were up throughout my house and I was drooling on the couch in awe of the beauteous twinkle lights! oooo Sparklies! I think they call it post-Thanksgiving coma. I’m seriously fighting with my inner self not to go buy a tree today at lunch.

By the way, what the heck happened to Thanksgiving anyway? It seems that everyone decorates for Halloween, and then it immediately jumps to Christmas! Have we forgotten how important Thanksgiving actually is? Has it become politically incorrect to celebrate Thanksgiving with decorations anymore? Remember when we were little (by we I mean the thirty something’s out there) remember the stores used to hang fall leaves from the ceilings, and those big fold out turkeys, pumpkins were left out from Halloween and gourds and Indian corn were laid out next to them? Remember making a turkey out of your traced hand on a paper plate with paperclips for feet? Remember centerpiece cornucopias filled with maize and gourds and fall things? What happened to all that? Was there something I missed between elementary school and becoming an adult? Somewhere along the way Thanksgiving was lost. I however- had my house decorated for Thanksgiving this year...okay so the pumpkins were a tad shriveled by this weekend but they were pretty for a month!

Our family Thanksgiving was wonderful this year, as it always is. We were missing a couple people and we missed them, but we made it through. Mom and I cooked together and it worked out just perfectly with the timing of everything coming out of the oven at the same time. I love it when that happens! Mom wanted a pic with the un-cut turkey- something we have never seemed to do in years past. It is funny to think back on our family pictures- they are all exactly the same- us sitting at the table with our glasses up in the air, making a toast to the day. Ill have to get them all together one day, it would be funny to see the progression.


I talked to The Lummox a couple times this weekend. I miss him already. It is funny that we are finally together after all these years. And telling everyone we know has been a super fun experience. Everyone who knows us was really excited, and thanks for the nice comments from all of you out there who have written in to me. It is funny how it happened and the timing of being featured as a best of blog at the same time. We really shouted it to the world didn’t we Lummox? I know that was a sign from the universe shouting back at us - this is the way things are supposed to be. Connectedness- it’s a marvelous thing.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

thankful

I have a lot to be thankful for.
Its now two days from Thanksgiving, where did the year go? Its amazing looking back now, that it has been a year already since I began writing here. It is really true and sorry for the cliché but Time Really does fly! I was talking to The Lummox yesterday about our lives, and how they have evolved over the last year. We compared our stories, and we both agreed; we are very happy with the outcome.

SO! In celebration of Thanksgiving, and in remembrance of all those school essays I used to hate writing back in the day, I give you- What I am most Thankful For- by Jenni.

I promise Ill try not to make you fall asleep.

I suppose I should start with my grandparents because, if not for the obvious, they raised my parents to be the spectacular people they are today. If it weren’t for my grandparents, my parents would not have passed on the same morals, values and beliefs that my sister and I grew up on. It was by fate that my parents first met in high school, and remain sweethearts to this day.

I am grateful that my father was a part of the United States Navy, because he taught my sister and I the accountability and dependability that are needed to be the responsible adults we are today. He brought the structure that is needed to build strong independent minds, and the bravery and trust we learned from his patriotism to this country. He put a roof over our heads, gave us a warm place to sleep, and there was always more than enough food to fill our plates. He taught us to give, to love, and to be unselfish. He taught us to respect others, no matter what. And to be thankful for everything that you’ve got, because a lot of people have nothing.

I am grateful that my mother was home for us as much as she was. I almost started to say she was a stay at home mom, and she was for many years, but she also worked as a teacher’s aid for children with special needs. She was selfless. If she hadn’t spent so much time with us, I don’t think my sister and I would have developed the love for family that we have today. She taught us to nurture, and at the same time how to take care of ourselves. She was a brave Navy wife. My father was away on cruise a lot during our upbringing, and she taught us how to be strong and protect each other during the days my father wasn’t there to watch over us. She is the glue that holds us all together, and she taught us to love everyone just as we ourselves want to be loved.

Mom and Dad are such awesome parents. Sarah and I are so lucky that we can say our parents are still married after all these years. Sadly, a lot of our friends growing up experienced the downfall of their family units, and many ended in divorce. There aren’t too many families out there that are not broken. I am proud to be a part of such a close knit family, with two parents who have loved each other through their personal hardships, and worked together through it instead of giving up. They really taught us how love is supposed to work. My parents have been married for 35 years- It’s something to brag about.

I’m so thankful they were able to give my sister and me the opportunity to continue our educations. I chose to go to Flagstaff, AZ and Sarah chose to go to Fairfax, VA but we never lost the closeness that my parents worked so hard to protect. In my time away from the family bubble, I learned how to be an independent person and learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to create new experiences, and learn from them. There were many of those...mostly it’s the mistake that I learned from...but that’s a whole other Oprah.

If I hadn’t have chosen to go Flagstaff I would have never met the circle of friends that I did, which eventually led to meeting my ex. I know, it’s a very strange thing to be thankful for, but it’s true. If I hadn’t have met him, I would have never gone to Colorado. If it weren’t for my ex I would have never learned how to stand up for myself, and be happy with who I am no matter what other people say. I met a lot of friends through him, most of who I am still close to and without them I would not have had the support system in place when I needed it most. He also bought me Cody, and I dont know what I would do without that dog, I love him so much. If I hadn’t have moved to Colorado I would have never gone to work for a friend of a friend. And mostly if I hadn’t have gone to work there, I would have never met The Lummox.

If it weren’t for my mother having her maternal instincts, I would have never left my ex. If she hadn’t called me that day in tears I would have never moved from Denver to Austin to get away from the awful situation I was in-bad relationship, bad job situation. I am so thankful for the love and support of my parents to welcome me back into their home 12 years after I moved away to college, for as long as it took for me to get back on my feet- and they were patient with me. I am so grateful that I quit my job, packed up and left. If I hadn’t, I really believe that I would still be in that same horrible situation- with the ex still probably, still disillusioned about his lies, still stuck in a rut, with the relationship still on hold because of HIS life.

If I were still there, I would have never had a year off to find myself. I gained my independence and grew stronger than I have ever been. I gained a ton of knowledge about myself, and again, learned a lot from a huge mistake. If I hadn’t had the time to learn all this, I wouldn’t have ever opened my heart to The Lummox. He has taught me so much about trusting, even more about patience, and mostly about the potential we have when we open ourselves up to what is meant to be.

I am so thankful to be standing here today, with my family and friends surrounding me still, after all that we have been through. I have more love in my life now than I ever imagined having in a lifetime. And for that, I am thankful.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

A Tail of two kitties

A Tail of two kitties…November 17, 2005


Cody has always been fascinated with cats.

He doesn’t want to eat them; he just likes to chase them. But I’m jumping ahead of myself; let me start from the beginning.

It all started when the weather began to change, about a month ago. Anyone who lives in Texas knows about the wind. It gets very very windy some days, and it is incessant. My mother once told me a story about the pioneer women, coming over in covered wagons who were driven mad by the wind. Mom has always hated the wind here and agreed that if she were a pioneer woman in that wind all day, she too would shoot herself. I on the other hand, LOVE the wind. It was refreshing the day the wind came, after a long summer of near triple digit heat and I was out in that wind enjoying it.
Something was different though, outside of my fenced in backyard I began noticing creatures on the loose, wandering free. Dogs mostly, they must have gotten out of their yards because of the force of the wind blowing their gates open. One particular dog, a female beagle thought she was in heaven when she stepped into my front yard and Cody was quite happy with that. They did their little doggy dance up and down the perimeter of the yard, she in the front yard, and he in the backyard, separated by the fence. Eventually I had to shoo her away when Cody got too excited. She wandered off, but later that night I heard her yelping at the gate. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just let her. When I awoke the next morning I found she had gone but she left a pretty big hole under my fence, grrr. I have done a pretty good job of hiding that hole from Cody, until this morning.
Every morning I have a routine. I wake up, and I take Cody downstairs for his breakfast and I open the sliding glass door for him to go out. When I return upstairs I always make sure I check to make sure the gate is not open and the boards I have placed over the hole that Mrs Beagle dug is still covered. This morning, I forgot to check, it had been windy. And he was off. I don’t know how long he had been out before I noticed that I couldn’t hear that familiar jingle of his collar. I went downstairs and then panic struck, I hadn’t checked the gate. Crap. Sure enough, the boards were flattened out on the ground and no large black dog in sight. I ran inside and put some shoes on, grabbed his leash and ran out the door.
I can remember only two times that Cody has escaped without me noticing. Both happened in Denver, and both times I found him staring down the claws of a ferocious tabby that lived around the corner. I have been afraid of this happening since I moved into this place, because of the busy streets and all of the kids that walk to school past our house. There is a school and a pretty little park across the street from our house, and Cody loves to take walks with me over there. Or maybe I should say he walks me, he likes to pull me on the leash; something I’ve never been able to train him out of. He enjoys the sights but mostly its all about the smells he finds on every tree and pole we pass.
I walked to his favorite spots calling his name and jingling his leash, but no Cody. I went behind the house, to a block I have never been and walked to the end of the street, no Cody. I walked for what it seemed like hours when on the way back past one of his most loved spots when I noticed something out of the side of my eye. It looked like a black streak, and was moving swiftly before it disappeared behind the end of the fence line. I decided to inspect the scene. On my way over there I heard a familiar sound, a whine and a jingle of dog tags, yay!
And there they were. Perched precariously on the corner of the fence were two enormous grey cats, tails whisking back and forth frantically. Like twin sphinxes staring down on something they were hypnotizing, it was my dog. He was puffed up like a wild boar, a streak of thick hair on his back was up on end, and his tongue was hanging out of one side of his mouth, drooling. He sat there staring at them with this intensity in his eyes that I have never seen before. It was as if he was worshiping them, high on their thrones looking down their little kitty noses at their prize. Who knows what evil doings the sphinxes had in store for him before I got there to rescue him from their trance. He didn’t want to leave them, but I insisted we go back home and I put his leash on him. The kitties lost interest and went on their way, off to tempt another poor doggie into peril I suppose. I took Cody home and he collapsed onto the floor, exhausted. I didn’t scold him; he had quite the adventure today I imagine.
I love that poor dumb dog. My life would be so boring without him.

(¯`v´¯)
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¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

You and me

You and me…November 16, 2005


Well, it happened. I told him.

I know that he reads my space, and writing what I did yesterday was half written for me and half written for him, and he read it. We were chatting on messenger when he told me he was reading my entry and that it brought tears to his eyes. It took only a moment for him to read, but in the seconds between him telling me he was reading it, and his response...it felt like an eternity. The world stopped, I could hear the blood pumping through my veins and it was as loud as the silence. My eyes were locked on the blinking cursor in the messenger window...blink...silence...blink...silence. Then two words came from him;

“You and Me.”

*remember to breathe*
I was in the middle of wanting to jump out of my seat or sinking down under my desk, was that a good you and me, or was it a question he was asking? Then he said everything I had been waiting to hear since I left him at the airport.

“I have wanted so much to hear these things from you, it is worth every bit of not knowing and all the rest, you haven’t harmed me, not at all, it is entirely worth it. I wanted to talk to you about these things during the weekend, and since- that I want you completely and I know I always will”

My heart jumped out of my chest and did a little tap dance on my desk at that moment.
Yippee! Ugh...now instead of the clouds weighing down in my brain, I am floating on them! I am so happy. I know it will be a lot of work, and it may be hard but we are going to try and make this thing work. It is what we both want most in this world. I can’t wait for what will come tomorrow. I am finally happy. Why did it take me so long? All I had to do was open my eyes and see. Well now my eyes are wide open, and I love what I see.

You and Me, that sounds good.

(I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing these things, but this is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know he knows that.)

I love you, my Lummox. I havent stopped smiling.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

A sudden moment of clarity

A sudden moment of clarity…November 15, 2005

I haven’t seen him in a little over a year, although we talk almost every day. The excitement and anticipation of seeing him again, as he came down the airport escalator, was overwhelming. He saw me first. Of course, the instant I took my eager stare off that escalator, and there he was. It felt as if my heart was going to jump out of my chest, but instead that energy went straight to my arms and legs as I waved like a lunatic the instant I saw him and ran to him like I was mental. Well, I guess I was at that moment-Mental; the anticipation took over and my brain ceased to work properly. And then, suddenly, in his warm embrace, I felt safe. And it was in that second, in that one tiny instance I knew that was what I have been missing in my life for all this time. But it was always there- in him. The heavy clouds in my brain turned to clarity, and I felt like I could breathe again, for the first time in almost a year.

As the weekend progressed, we slowly but comfortably moved back into what makes us at ease with one another, and settled in for whatever the days would bring us. I was afraid that if I had too many things planned, that time would move by too fast. I wanted him all to myself, to soak him into me again, to feel him in my soul. We were inseparable, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I haven’t smiled that much, laughed as hard, or felt so happy and protected since the last time I was with him. Why haven’t we gotten together sooner? Why was I so apprehensive over a visit from him in the past? Why have I held him at arms length instead of letting him in? Why did I leave him behind?

We have a history. We have evolved, and changed each in our own ways over the years but the part that is “us” always seems to remain unchanged and sure, yet with subtle alterations almost unseen. I can remember liking him the instant we met, that was over four years ago now, and that tickle in the pit of my stomach is still there when he smiles at me. We didn’t hit it off right away, mostly because I held back and turned down all of his offers to join him with friends or whatever was going on. I was always in a relationship, with The Dreamer, and couldn’t see anything past that at that point in my life. But after a while we began a friendly rapport that evolved into a close friendly relationship. We began learning things about each other, and continue that to this day, but back then it drew me closer and closer to him, and soon I hungered to know everything about him. What I learned was that we are the same, but different in just the right small little ways. I have often referred to him as the other half of my brain, and more often than that as my soul-mate. We became best friends, as close as friends could get without crossing over those lines that I had drawn out for him; because of my then relationship with the Dreamer. It slowly evolved into something closer, more intimate and warm when I finally let it. But it still didn’t feel right; I was blinded by what I thought was love for someone else. That didn’t tarnish us though. We worked through it, and I know I hurt him deeply. He is so strong, he backed away, and returned to the position he held as my best friend, and he has been there since that day.

The weekend ended the same way it had begun, with a warm embrace. Only this time, my heart was open to him, beating calmly, with just the right amount of anticipation. I don’t think he saw it. We kissed, and we said I love you. And then he was gone. And as quickly as he was whisked away in that airplane, the clouds returned to my brain and it was hard to breathe. How did I ever do this without him? Why haven’t I let him be close to me in the way he has wanted to? I want this. I want him back.

Oh my God.
What have I done?
I let him go again. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Why didn’t I tell him? Will he still feel the same? Will he even want me anymore? He is the love of my life. And the awful truth of it is, he already knew this, he has been telling me; he is the right one for me. He is the only one for me, it just makes sense. We are perfect for each other.

Oh my God.
How do I fix this?
How do I undo every moment that I backed away from him, every time I turned him down, every day that I have hurt him by not returning that love he has for me? How do I make it better? How do I get him back? Why did I have to move so far away? How do I get there from here...to that love I want him to share with me? What if he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore?

Please God, help me fix this and make it right.
I am so in love with him.

strange rituals

strange rituals…November 8, 2005


Big Daddy passed away
I got the news on Tuesday evening that Big Daddy finally let go, and passed away in his bed at the care facility. He had a living will, therefore no feeding tubes were implanted, and no machines were used to prolong his life. My father drove up there earlier that morning, and sat with him for 12 hours. Finally he told him "Daddy, I know you are a fighter, and you are strong, but you dont have to fight anymore. Its okay to let go this time. You can let go" Dad was with Barbara, a woman who was dear to Big Daddys heart and who took care of him after my Gram Betty died in 2000. He loved her. Dad and Barbara sat with him for hours until they just needed a break and left for a moment to get something to eat. Thats when it happened, Big D finally let go. I am convinced that he just didnt want my dad to see him go. I remember the last thing Big Daddy told me. "You listen to your daddy" and I kissed him on the cheek and promised him I always would. He didnt want my sister and I there those last days, he didnt want us to see him like that.
He wasnt able to eat, and had lost a startling amount of weight since I last saw him. My parents both warned my sister and I that he had lost a lot of weight, and was a shell of the man we once knew. It was shocking. There he lay, in his nicest suit and tie...with a copy of the Louis L'Amore novel he had been reading before he died, as if he had just fallen asleep reading...in his best clothes. He loved westerns, I think thats where he is in his heaven, he is a cowboy in the old west walking with the Duke. He was so skinny I barely recognized him, but it was still Big Daddy. Dad brought us over to the funeral home before anyone else got there so that we could take it all in, in private. They had put a lot of makeup on him and my sister and I giggled through our tears as we thought about what he would have to say about that if he were alive. I can hear his voice as if he were right here (in a deep southern accent not unlike Boomhower) "Donnnt craa baybuh, ah'm the wuun who shuud be craa'n ah've got all this gal damn maykup own!"
Funerals are weird. You die, some strange guy puts you in your best clothes and forgets your shoes, you get positioned into a coffin where a bunch of people you love and a bunch of people you barely remember come and stare at you, and then they all sit around talking to eachother and saying "oh arent the flowers beautiful" as if you werent even there. Then people bring food, and they dont stop bringing food, people calling and coming over constantly offering their condolances and more food. Then you get placed in a church on display and people come to hear some old guy talk about you as if he knew you and everyone cries. Then you get all closed up in the coffin and shoved into a hearst and driven to the graveyard where only the closest people to you come normally and they watch as they put your coffin wherever it goes and say goodbye. Then everyone comes over to your house and eats the food that your family has accumulated over the last few days since the death and pick through your belongings. When I die, I want to be cremated or at least buried in my pajamas, and I want people to have a party afterwards and everyone gets to pick something they want from my stuff, but just one thing, like a party favor, no crying is allowed.

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni