The World Spins Madly On

6/28/2006
The World Spins Madly On

Tonight, I got into bed thinking I would just go right to sleep but I couldn’t. So I put in my Tuesday night TV tape. Last week I taped Tuesday Night Book Club, have you seen it? It’s a great show for us women who haven’t got it all figured out yet. If you haven’t watched it yet- you should.

But wait, I got ahead of myself…

All day today I had been having an internal struggle with some things that have been going on in my life recently, and have been thinking about some big things in my life that need to be changed.

I got an email from the Dreamer a couple days ago, and it got me in the gut…it just was a little sweet and I never expected that from him. Its just been rolling around in my head for a couple days now. I don’t know how to digest it.

This afternoon I had a really great talk with Rugby Dude (he knows who he is). He really helps me to get things into perspective. I told him he should be a motivational speaker because he has successfully been able to kick my ass on two occasions now. He got me to start walking every day, and today he got me to line up my life priorities. The talk with him really showed me that I don’t need a man in my life right now, what I really need is to take care of myself first. If I can get that going everything else will fall into place. He’s right you know. Thanks Rugby Dude.

So after all this going on today I finally lay down to rest my mind and while watching Tuesday Night Book Club I hear this song. It really got me in the gut. So much so, that I haven’t stopped crying. The lyrics can mean so much more than just the obvious. And to me it means I need to start some movement in my life. I’ve done too much standing still, waiting for it all to come to me. It’s time to get out of my bubble and get going. I can’t just sit and watch the world go by anymore.
-Jenni

My secrets out

6/25/2006
My secrets out

I am going to die. And then I’m going to kill my dog.

On any normal weekend Cody is in need of a lot of attention, he’s an attention hog of a dog. So when I’m not giving him full attention he will find ways to force me to pay attention to him. His thing is going into my bedroom, grabbing the hair band I took out the night before, or a sock, or underwear and running to me wherever I am to make sure I notice. Fine, it’s his thing and I have never been able to break him of this, and secretly its kind of a fun game we play. He puts it on my lap or at my feet and when he sees that I have noticed he grabs it before I can get it, runs downstairs and waits for me to come after him. He likes making me chase him, its fine most times I’m able to get whatever it is away from him before he runs outside with it. On a couple of occasions I have found my undies in the yard…must have been a day when I didn’t feel like playing the chasing game. Today was one of the days I didn’t feel like playing the chasing game, and I’m paying for it in pure embarrassment.

Normally he only blackmails me into the chase with one of three items; socks, undies or hair bands. Today he chose something new…

how should I put this?

*Ahem* he chose my…
massager…

my battery operated boyfriend…my…

Alright Ill just say it- he got my vibrator!!!

I don’t know how he got it, honestly I don’t remember leaving it out, but I must have forgotten to put it away…anyway he got it and I had no idea.
I had been cleaning around the house and he dropped something at my feet that I just assumed was one of his rubber toys and I dismissed it because I was busy. He even barked at me a couple times and I never raised my eyes to see what he had for me!!!
Oh my god and there’s more…

He took it outside.

He took my vibrator into the yard!

A few minutes had passed since the barking incident and now he was outside barking at something. I stuck my head out the sliding glass door to see what it was, and noticed Cody at the edge of the fence, and a couple of kids with their mom walking on the sidewalk on the other side of the fence. I shooshed him because I thought he was barking at them. He wasn’t. And the kids stopped to look.

When Cody stopped barking to look back at me, I could hear something sort of humming, something sort of buzzing against the fence where he was. It sounded like a toy airplane that you wind up or something. I wondered if one of the kids on the other side of the fence had maybe dropped a toy or something and it rolled under into my yard so I walked over to it. It wasn’t a toy airplane, but it was a toy, my toy! It must have come on while he was tossing it around in the yard. The worst part about it, I could see those kids and that mother through the slats in my fence, and I saw the look on her face before she rushed them off down the sidewalk…away from the vibrator in my yard.

Oh god, I think they were walking home from church.

I’m so mortified!

I tried to get to it as fast as I could before she saw, honest! But it took me a minute to comprehend what it was that was buzzing against the fence in my yard!

Oh god, I’m going to hell.

-Jenni

A Carrie Quote

A Carrie Quote

One of my favorite S&TC quotes by Princess Carrie Bradshaw:

What if prince Charming had never showed up? Would Snow White still be sleeping in that glass coffin forever? Or would she have eventually woken up, spit out the apple, gotten a job, a heath care package, and a baby from her local neighborhood sperm bank?
I couldn’t help but wonder; inside every confident, driven, single woman is there a delicate, fragile princess waiting to be saved?

Do women just want to be rescued?

Yes, it has been another wonderful day with my four favorite girls from Manhattan. I got through the last four episodes of season two and the first of season three. I love this show!! It never fails that I find something to cry over, something to laugh about, and about a million things in common with these girls. I take back my former shoppers remorse, this was definitely money well spent.

Speaking of Sarah Jessica Parker. I just noticed her new ad campaign for her perfume Lovely. Have you seen it? It’s Lovely! Lovely is one of my favorite words to use in conversation. You can be sarcastic with it, say it with a British accent, or just say it like it is meant- Lovely. Also the print campaign was based on one of Marilyn Monroe’s most famous photo shoots. Recognize it? Three of my favorite things all wrapped up into one lovely little pink package; Sarah Jessica Parker, Marilyn Monroe, and Lovely!

Getting Real

6/22/2006
Getting Real

I’m done being nice. And I’m done with men.
I tried my hardest to just let him have his space...he is the one who says hello on IM for the last few days, I didn’t approach him. If you are going to talk then talk, don’t say hello and then give me the friggin silent treatment. It’s as if he had a gun to his head-and if he started a topic of conversation or said more than one word at a time that gun would go off. If you have things to say then say them, don’t wait for me to ask- I’m through pulling things out of him that he is really willing to tell me anyway. It like pulling teeth getting him to friggin talk to me- have a normal conversation. He has things to talk about- he just sits there and waits for me to ask about them, if I never said anything- he wouldn’t say anything at all. If all you have to talk about is relationship stuff, things you hate about me, or you just want to play the blame game – sorry bud, I’m done with that stuff and I’m moving on. If you have ammunition to throw at me- go somewhere else to throw your temper tantrum, I’m not going to take it. And if you actually decide to drop a bomb on me- mean it, don’t turn right around and apologize your ass off as if you are a martyr. Apologies are cop outs and if you never meant to say it why did it come out of your mouth in the first place...you meant it that’s why. If you aren’t ready for a friendship- don’t even try to pretend, don’t come on IM and just say hi and then wait there for me to come rescue you, its not going to happen. You can’t pretend to want it either, if you want it you would be where I am and really trying to stay upbeat in conversation, not dwell on the past, I’m moving on he is stuck in his own quick sand. But you are not, don’t pretend that you want to be friends, when you can’t let go of the relationship. The relationship will never happen, a friendship is possible but you can’t wallow in your sorrows and expect me to pull you out. I can’t be that girl who listens to you talk about your ex- girlfriend (me) and how she ruined you; I am not that person anymore and its silly to view me in that light. And stop pointing fingers at me, it took both of us to break up, this was your decision too. What, were you trying to scare me into working things out? Stop telling me that I didn’t lose anything from this; I lost just as much as you did, the difference is that I am choosing to get up off my pitiful ass and get on with my life. Don’t expect me to understand your feelings, they are YOURS to understand, I have my own feelings and I understand them, that’s all that matters. And for fucks sake GROW UP. I’m done with him bringing me down just because he is in a bad mood. Don’t steal my sunshine if I’m having a good day. And don’t take out your frustrations on me if you feel like shit and I’m trying to cheer you up. I’m done with always being the person who listens to his problems when I’ve got problems of my own, but he doesn’t care about them since he’s so focused on his own woe is me story. Its tit for tat buddy and I’m taking my tits elsewhere. I’m done with talking about what went wrong, why it went wrong, and whose fault it was. What is the point? Its over! Deal with it!

I am so ready to just live for today, not for what could be in the future, not for what was in my past, and definitely not for what could have been. I’m living for what is, and that is today- reality.

When he is over the relationship and reverts back to the Lummox I used to know; He knows where I am. He needs to stop stalking me, stop IMing me, stop snooping on all the myspace messages Ive left other people, and stop reading my blog.
Yes I am a bitch. A very fed up, tired, emotionally exhausted, done with men forever- bitch with a capital B I T C H. I don’t need a man to complete me. Now I know why some women go lesbian.

-Jen

The Waiting Game

6/19/2006
The Waiting Game

We all love Drama...

I don’t know what to do about Lummox. He has completely stopped talking to me. I guess this is the space I should be giving him, but I suppose I’m just not used to it. Not responding on IM when I say hello, not responding to emails that I send, not responding to text messages the I send...I’m not going to call him because I figure when he’s ready, he will call me or whatever. It just isn’t normal for him to just blatantly ignore me though. I guess Ill just back off completely until he calls.

What if he never calls?

How long should I give him? I suppose the answer to that would be- as long as he needs. Ok, I just answered that for myself. Sometimes I guess I talk myself out of my own worries, but it isn’t until I work it all out in my head that it really goes away. I guess I should hope for the worse, and if something happens, it was meant to be that way. I guess I just never expected Lummox to stop talking to me altogether. Last time I talked to him was on IM last Thursday, and it ended with him saying something that was just out of the blue hurtful. He apologized for it after I hung up on him, but I haven’t heard from him since.

He also erased all his blog entries...he did that around the same time he was interrogating my blog and myspace pages. I’m not sure what is up with that, but I guess I expected to see some new writing from him. Guess he’s not willing to show his real feelings to the whole world like I do, (even if I don’t personally know who is reading). Blogging has never really been his thing I guess. In some ways I think he only had a blog because I did, and only had a myspace page because I did. He never really worked on either of those things, they were just there. He’s always been a writer, he used to write even more than I do now, but he doesn’t write anymore. The only writing I have seen from him are fictional stories with characters resembling people in his life. I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want to face reality. Oh well. I guess Ill never know.

On another note I finally watched The Valley of the Dolls this weekend. *sigh* I wish I had been a thirty something girl in the 60’s. Sharon Tate is fantastically glam, and Patty Duke is soooo over the top dramatic, I think that’s what makes it funny. I don’t know what my obsession is with this decade but looking back, it has always been a theme in my life. When I was young I listened to my parents Beatles albums on my record player instead of the radio most days. I was so in love with Paul McCartney when I was in third grade! But not the Paul McCartney of the 80’s, the Paul McCartney on the front of the record sleeves and in the black and white pictures I used to see in magazines. I remember gushing over him to one of my friends from school, and she goes “who is Paul McCartney?” When I went to college I started wearing my eyeliner a bit darker and thicker, I think they call it Doe Eyes, like the girls used to wear in the 60’s. I still wear my eyeliner like that, only now I add false eyelashes when I dress up. I’ve always been in love with old movies, and the stars that act in those movies; Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe are my all time favorites. I’ve always loved the music of the Rat Pack as well. Most nights, when I want to relax Ill pop in my Tony Bennet or Sinatra CD’s. I just love that era! I’d love to decorate my house in gold, white and light blue- retro furniture and lighting, but I know it would seem odd to anyone who came over. And secretly I have adopted some of the mannerisms of the girls in the movies, isn’t it just creamy, and what’s the big idea? I know...I’m weird. I just wish I was dainty and refined and glamorous like my grandmothers were.

-Jenni

In Limbo

6/14/2006
In Limbo

Why do I feel like I was the one who ended this relationship? It was a very mutual thing. Why do I feel guilty like I was the one who broke this off? I’m not the only one who decided to end it. In fact he was the one who repeatedly said things like “I’m sorry I’m not going to live like this.” I think he expected me to change so that the relationship would continue on his terms. I honestly thing he was surprised that I agreed with him, that I too could not live like this. Did he expect for me to just lie down, do what he asked, forget everything I wanted from the relationship and things would be peachy?

How come I feel like I am the only one asking for forgiveness here? Am I asking too much? All I want is for him to see the possibility of us remaining friends. I’m not asking for it to happen immediately, I am aware that he is hurt because I am hurt too. I’m not asking for him to change, all I’m asking is for him to decide one way or another. But it seems all I’m getting from him are a list of things he doesn’t like about me. That’s not an answer.

I don’t feel like he is doing anything more in this situation than obsessing over what was said and done in the past. By saying past- I mean our relationship up until last weekend. Maybe he just isn’t ready to move on. Maybe he just wants to sit and wallow in his hurt. I guess I should just let him. It’s not helping either one of us to just talk again and again about the same issues.

I don’t agree with his side, just as he doesn’t agree with my side of the breakup and what led me to the point of backing away from him. He just continuously asks me to see things from his side. If I saw things from his side, I wouldn’t be here right now. It’s a ridiculous thing we do in relationships; thinking that the other person will think the same as you. It doesn’t work that way. If you want a mirror image of yourself, you are just asking for trouble. We are two different people, with two completely different points of view. If you can’t agree to disagree on some issues, you will just drag each other under. Right now I feel so dragged down, I’m not sure which way is up.

All I want is to move past all the things that didn’t work, and work on what we have left. I’m tired of talking about the same issues that got us here, were just running in circles. Again, I want to let things go; while he is still examining the same old issues. Let it go so we can move forward with what we can salvage. Hopefully this can return to a friendship, I can let it but can he?

Am I asking him for too much too soon? Am I being irrational here?

-Jenni

Venting

6/13/2006
Venting

Vent (v ent) n.
A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet.
To express one's thoughts or feelings, especially forcefully

Disclaimer:
There are two sides to every story. This is my point of view. I wrote this while very “in the moment” so it may come off sounding angry. I am sure I will feel better ten minutes from now, tomorrow and next week I may feel differently. This does not define who I am, just what I felt in the moment- Venting.

Well, I think it’s over. I think the friendship died between Lummox and me. RIP. There is this weird dynamic between us now-either he doesn’t listen to a word I say- or misinterprets what I say and he is way over my head most times now. If I tell him I’m confused he goes off on a rant Oh yes of course it’s me that is always confusing. The part that I can’t deal with is when he talks to me as if I’m some other person- gives me major guilt trips, raises his voice at me, and is completely sarcastic about things. I have never seen this side of him before and frankly it scares me. He has become so cynical- I don’t like talking to him when he is like that. That is the side of him that made me start to back away in the first place. Now it seems as if that is how he is going to be whenever we talk, and I guess I can’t handle that. I know I need to give him some time, and at first I thought he didn’t want me to give him space. But I am going to give it to him even if he doest want it.

Why do we think that after entering into a relationship that gives us a free pass to say things to hurt the other? I try really hard to be a genuine person, but I am not going to say something underhandedly to hurt anyone. I try to keep those things to myself, but still in ways I don’t understand- Lummox is continuously hurt by the things I say. He is so fragile it’s like walking on egg shells lately when talking to him. I can’t ask a simple question; even just asking him to clarify his thoughts for me because I was confused sets him off on an angry outburst. He presumes that I don’t have a clue. No- he doesn’t presume- he claims to know that I don’t have a clue what HE has lost in this situation. Oh Pardon me...I have lost just as much as he has lost in this situation; it’s not all about him- I was half of this situation and it works both ways.

I am choosing to try to get over it, and get on with my life. My last relationship brought me to my knees. I changed myself so much over the 7 years I was with the Dreamer that when I finally got out of it- I didn’t know who I was anymore. There is no way I am going through that again. I have spent almost two years building myself back up from ruin, I will not go back to the weak minded person I once was. I will not do that for anyone, not even my best friend. If you don’t like me for who I am, the way I am, move along because I can not be changed. And I sure as hell won’t change for any man ever again. Why can’t Lummox see why I backed away from him when he was showing those same traits I hated about the Dreamer?

If I really sit back and remember back to his last relationship, I can pick out clues I saw back a few years ago. I should have seen those as red flags and just left our friendship as it was. I shouldn’t have touched it. I remember thinking back then- when he would fight with his girlfriend at that time- he would become obsessed with thinking about it, working over it in his head, over thinking most times, and running it into the ground, and having really angry phone and IM conversations with her- and then come running to me to tell me about all the things he wishes were different about her. Um hello- red flag. I don’t know how anyone could live with that for the rest of their life. I guess I never saw it until now

I told him I would give him some space yesterday after yet another argument. And today he was right back in my face- So much for that idea. I don’t think he will ever be the same again. It’s my fault, I know. I guess I didn’t invest as much as he did into the relationship and we are now in different places with different levels of emotions. I don’t know why I’m like that, I am not saying it is a bad thing, but I got over this a lot faster than he will. It was gradual, and started the minute we first argued in February, but I think I’m past the emotions he wants to see from me.

I guess now its up to him, he already knows I’m ready to move on from this. I just don’t think he is strong enough; understandably. I am not heartless, I am not perfect, and I deal with things differently. I have issues, but I think I have them under control. The most important thing to me right now is that I remain strong. I will not let this destroy me. I will move on from this, with or without him.

ru•in (roo-in) n.
An irrecoverable state of devastation and destruction

-Jenni

summer sunshine

I tried to keep myself busy all weekend, so as not to think to much about my breakup with Lummox. I replanted some plants I got in November that have grown incredibly since then. Who would have thunk it? I can actually keep plants alive! Now, tomato plants are another story. I think they are just about dead. I transplanted the ones that werent that bad off, but they are still very puney. I watched two Jennifer Aniston movies because she is my breakup idol. I made the mistake of watching Pride and Predjudice, it just made me sadder. But I did get a good painting out of it. One of the scenes inspired me to do a watercolor. Its very dark and dismal but I love the dramatic scope of it. When it dries Ill put a pic of it up.

Lummox hasnt spoken to me since Friday, and even then it was like pulling teeth. He tells me he just isnt ready for "happy talk" and that he is pissed off when he thinks about our seperate futures. I wonder if this friendship will survive. Like I mentioned before, I am a serial friendship ruiner, and I just have a feeling in my gut that Lummox wont get past this anger.

I think I kept my heart more protected than he did in this situation. I dont know if I will ever be able to fully leave my heart open to anyone again, for fear of the unknown, for fear that I may be hurt again like I was hurt from my last breakup two years ago. I am a lot more guarded than I used to be. In this case, it saved me from being destroyed. The old Jenni would have been in bed all weekend contemplating how horrible life is. I haven't even really cried yet. Does that make me a horrible person, or does it just make me hardened? In either case, I dont think Lummox expected this from me. I guess I've just made access to my heart a lot more difficult. I know I have changed, but it is only to protect myself from being hurt again.

Well, Cody is bugging me for a walk so Id better pay him some attention before he eats more of my laundry. It really doesnt feel like its 99 degrees outside, especially with this cd playing! Off to the park~
jenni

Comfortably Numb

6/9/2006
Comfortably Numb

Maybe I’m just not relationship material anymore. Maybe I have gotten so used to taking care of myself that I don’t need anyone to take care of me anymore. Maybe I have toughened over the last few years for my own protection. Maybe my instincts tell me to run when I’m put into a situation of pressure. Maybe my intuition tells me to back away when I feel uncomfortable. Maybe now that I’m older I have learned to rely on myself, and no one else. Are these such awful things that they make me a horrible person?

Yes, we broke up again. He told me that I am too protected and have become distant lately. That isn’t what he wants, understandably. Well I have become distant lately because he has changed too, it wasn’t just me. He has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. He is a lot needier than I can handle. I mean, I don’t know many people that deal well under pressure. I for one am not a person that does well when pressed for answers, or when my actions are under the microscope all the time. Yeah- when I am put into the spotlight my instinct tells me to freeze, like a deer in the headlights. If there is a possibility that I could do or say the wrong thing, I just clam up. It’s engrained in me. I can’t help it. It’s just who I am.

I have a big thing with feeling safe. If I don’t feel safe, I run home. It has been a constant theme in my life when it comes to relationships. For once I have created a safety all on my own. I have built my own little empire that I can finally feel completely protected in. I guess I am not ready to give up my personal security for the unknown, and that makes him angry. I don’t know why that is so wrong? I have to protect myself.

There are things I know that I just can’t fix. I mean there are a lot of things that I never knew about him that I’m not sure that I could live with for the rest of my life. I’m sure there are a lot of things he doesn’t like about me either. Don’t get me wrong- I have major issues myself and I would never point fingers at him, but there are some issues here that overshadow a lot for both of us. Most of it is that I am continuously hurting him in one way or another. I have 5 years of hurting him, constantly hanging over my head haunting me every day. I guess I can add this one to the collection.

Good relationships are easy, they just happen, they naturally just work. Our friendship worked effortlessly, but the dynamic between us changed tremendously when we took it further. I’m definitely not saying that relationships aren’t hard work, but this...This one takes too much energy. It’s too much for me emotionally. I feel drained of everything lately. I literally am just exhausted of working on “things”- things that I don’t have the capability of fixing or making better, because I don’t believe they should have been issues in the first place. He expects me to be able to fix it. I just can’t live up to the expectations that have been set, nor can I live with the constant picking apart of my words and actions. I can’t do or say what he wants me to, and I am not who he expects me to be. So I shut down, and that makes him angrier. What a disappointment I am. I can’t fix it. There is no fix.

Lummox is a great guy, I thought maybe I could take our friendship and make it work romantically, but it just doesn’t work. The dynamic just isn’t there like I thought it would be, and once again I have hurt him. I am not sure how any of this will turn out, not even sure if he will want to remain friends, the last time this happened he said he couldn’t handle being friends, so we will see what he decides. I wouldn’t blame him if he just never wanted to talk to me again. I shouldn’t have started this relationship; I should have left it at “just friends”. I probably ruined both a good friendship and a good relationship. I have been guilty of doing this before; I am a serial friendship ruiner.

What I need, is some time away from all of this. I am completely drained of any personality that I used to have to be able to deal with something like this. I am numbed.

I predicted this when I was six years old. I remember back then, boys had cooties and I just couldn’t understand how anyone could marry them and have kids with them. Boys were stupid when I was little. I had my whole life planned out back then. I would be an artist, live in an apartment and save money in a coffee can until I had saved enough to have a baby, no man in the picture. Back then, I wasn’t sure where babies came from but I knew they cost a lot of money. Gosh, it sounds so simple doesn’t it? The thought has somehow lingered in the back of my mind for 26 years. Maybe it really was a prediction for how my life would turn out?

Want to know the sad part? I think I am okay with it...for now at least.

-Jenni

Hello Kitty

6/5/2006
Hello Kitty

I accidentally found her.
It has almost been two years since I found out the Dreamer had been cheating on me with a younger girl in another state. He had another life, one that he created secretly and separately from the life he had with me. I was just as much a secret to her as she was from me in his little world; until I hacked into his email account and read about their mystery life.

He told her I had left him long before I had even thought about leaving. He told me he was going out of state for work. He would leave for a couple weeks at a time, sometimes; and it wasn’t until after I finally left him that I discovered he had really been going to see her instead of working. I was even paying for the rent he couldn’t pay because he had taken so much time off to go see her. It was sickening when I found out.

In an email between them, I read the lies he was telling her about me. He told her I had moved out months before; when she questioned why my personal belongings were still in the house we lived in together. She had been in my house, probably in my bed with my boyfriend at the time; probably used some of my things and all the while I never knew she existed. Revolting.

What makes me more nauseated was that he would go on these “work” trips to go see her, spend time with her, and then come home to me and tell me that he loved me- and I believed him. I believed that he was going on work trips because his friends backed him up. These are the same friends that I trusted as my own friends; one of them was also our roommate (Ill call him Musty) and a guy who I thought was one of my best friends. Turns out nothing was what I believed.

Today, on my myspace page I was reading through the newest bulletins posted and noticed one from Musty which was unusual because he does not use myspace regularly. He also had changed his normal picture so I decided to pay his myspace page a visit. Now, lets back up a bit- Last year, I was obsessed with finding out everything I could about the girl that the Dreamer had cheated on me with. I only found out a few things before I lost interest; until today. After only a couple of clicks on myspace friends, there she was.

Caitlin. 22 years old.


The rush of anger and betrayal came back to me all in that one glance. My heart began to race and seemed as if it had moved up my chest and into my throat, I could hardly swallow. “..my friends know me as Kitty...” I read in her about me section and I couldn’t move. I sat there staring at her myspace page listening to the blood rush in my veins, and I didn’t know what to do. I finally found her, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. Am I so cowardly? Or am I just over it?

If this was last year, I would have sent her a little email already and would be anxiously awaiting a reply. I don’t know where it would have gotten me, and it probably would just create a sort of drama that I don’t want in my life anymore, but possibly it would have gotten me some sort of closure. Today, just knowing where I can find her, is closure enough on the situation. I’m over it.

Maybe the fun was all in the chase, and now that I found her it’s not so much fun. Maybe I am just over the drama? Maybe I am scared to bring up all those old feelings again? Who knows? (She doesn’t have a picture of herself up yet, I’m really interested in what she looks like.) I don't know wheather to feel sorry for her or hate her.

I do know that I am finally past all that. I decided long ago to put all that stuff behind me; I just wish it wouldn’t bring back all those feelings of anger and frustration all over again. I need to learn how to get past those feelings of bitterness before I can finally be free of it.

I will tell you; for me, writing about it gives me some contentment and release.

-Jenni

fasting day two

6/4/2006
Fasting- Day two

Firstly I'd like to say- Correctol is the Devil.

The back of the box will tell you that "relief" will occur in 6-8 hours. They lie.

Yesterday morning, bright and early I got up to let Cody out and decided I should take one before I went back to bed. 45 minutes later I was studying the inside of my bathroom from a not-so glamorous vantage point. Those pills work yes; and without going into too much description, I thought I might actually die at one point. Dead on the toilet at 32. What a grand exit. (Suddenly I felt sorry for Elvis) Luckily the discomfort went away about three hours later.

I found myself doing nothing yesterday, mainly because I had absolutely no energy but mostly because I was starving! I drank so much water yesterday you could have heard the ocean if you put your ear up to me. I passed on the coffee for fear that it would put me back into the bathroom, so I had no source of caffeine to boost my energy. I made it through the day by watching PBS cooking shows and memorizing the recipes, I was too lazy to write them down. I took two naps, and by early evening I was having strange fluctuations in body temperature, I could not get warm enough. I stayed in bed for most of the day only venturing out of my bedroom to give Cody a bath and a brushing, and to retrieve my water.

By around 9PM I broke. I am not strong enough to will away the hunger pangs. I had an orange, and it was the best orange I have ever eaten. At one point I dipped my finger in some salt and had that too, and it was delicious. I think maybe next time Ill get a bottle of Gatorade for salty sweet emergencies. After the attack of the orange I just went to sleep. By 12AM it seemed as though my hearing had become heightened and I could hear every car that drove by, and every click in my ceiling fan. By that point I felt a little irritable, and had a fight with my earplugs for a while that almost turned to tears. After Cody huffed and puffed at me, I settled down finally and went to sleep.

Surprisingly I didn’t wake up at all last night. On any normal night of sleep I wake at least two times; always at 3AM and once or twice again before my alarm goes off. I woke this morning at the time my alarm would be going off for work, and decided since I could, that I would go back to sleep. I feel great this morning. It feels nice to be empty, and I am actually not hungry! I have a lot more energy than I did yesterday, and I think I will make a pot of coffee.

Mom called earlier. She wants me to come to a movie with her and then to an early dinner with my gramps. I couldn’t say no, so I guess the fasting will end short of 48 hours. Next time I think I will skip the Correctol, add some Gatorade, and make sure there are enough food programs on TV to last me an entire day. Maybe Ill try again next weekend.

Hmmm, I wonder where we are going to eat tonight...mmmmm...food.

-Jenni

fasting day one

6/2/2006
Cleaning House

I am going to try and do a cleansing fast this weekend.
Sounds fun right? Wishful thinking!

My plan is to start out by taking laxatives to empty myself completely, and then just take in different versions of distilled water. Hot, cold, ice, lemon...I may add coffee in there just for energy because I am sure I will need it. I have heard the effects of coffee on the liver are good for releasing toxins trapped there.

And no- I will NOT be doing the coffee enema, no matter how many people have told me how wonderful it is. I’m sorry but I’m not sticking anything up my bum, especially not coffee! As far as I’m concerned, my rear end is for exit only.

I will probably be taking notes as I go, on how I feel and the effects of what I’m doing. I have never gone on a fast before, on purpose, so this should be interesting. I rely too much on food! Eating has started to rule my life, and I really do not like that. I’ve come to think about my meals too often during the day, I don’t think that is healthy, but it is the one thing I can control.

I have read many good things about the effects of fasting, so I am really looking forward to the next couple of days and what they will bring me. I have rented a bunch of movies because I already know I will have no energy to do anything actively productive. Hopefully the coffee will help with at least cleaning my house like I usually do on weekends! Hmm, cleaning my house while cleaning my "house"...

So bear with me, you may see some pretty strange posts from me over the weekend as I progress with the fasting. I have heard fasting causes some enlightening experiences, and can relieve stress and depression. That is what I am looking forward to. If anyone has any advice or guidance, I welcome it!

-Jenni