The thing under my desk

The thing under my desk…May 31, 2005


I got to work, and as Im scooting my chair in, I notice a large something under my desk. Its dark under there and so I peered in, turns out it is the BIGGEST friggin roach I have EVER seen in my life! I wanted to take a picture but was too embarassed when people started coming in. I sprayed it with Raid just incase it was still alive, even though it was already upside down, legs up and all. That thing could have been living under this desk for years. The girl who sat here before I was promoted was quite a slob, Im still cleaning things around this area, its disgusting. She had a really bad psoriasis problem too, eeew. All I know is Im keeping the raid very handy today, and if I see anything move Im spraying it!!!
The parents are coming back into town tonight, bummer. I think I will keep my own agenda though instead of living my day for their schedules. I like eating at 6, instead of 9 and having to go to bed right after. I like watching what I want to, when I want to and there is plenty of room upstairs for me to take over and not be in the way. I wonder if my mom would be hurt if I told her this. Probably, since these days you can't sneeze around her without her getting her feelings hurt, dang menopause! I really need to find a realtor to help me find a place to live soon. I think I have enough saved for furniture, and deposits and such. Looking foreward to that.

Monday Monday

Monday Monday…May 30, 2005

I am so excited about the way the logos turned out for Ballistic Stillness! I never thought Id get this far, I thought Id just have sketches, but I had so many ideas I skipped the sketches and went straight to Photoshop. Well I actually did a page of sketches, but they were so bad that I gave up yesterday and watched Titanic instead! I give up too easily when it comes to things like this. Its something that I love, and when I have to receive criticism for it sometimes that scares me away from it. But cest la vie. I hope they like the rough drafts I created for them. It was fun. Titanic still makes me cry like a baby, even though Ive seen it almost 20 times by now at least. It facinates me, I would have loved to live like she did. In the fancy dresses and all. A girl can dream cant she? I also watched Colonial House on PBS and of course, I missed the whole season again! Now that is what I call reality tv. Apparently there is one coming up called Texas Ranch House...wonder how that will be. I hope they show re-runs because I love each season of that show. it is really educational. Another great reality show is Cameron Diez's Trippin'. It really shows you what we can do to help preserve our environment.
Im putting in some of the logos I designed today: Hope you enjoy!

Ballistic Stillness

Ballistic Stillness…May 29, 2005




I just wanted to see if this worked...its so pretty and I found it on another girls site. I was noticing something about the sites belonging to girls in China, they have all these pretty little pictures like this one on them instead of pictures of people or events. I wonder why that is. Different cultures facinate me.

Anyway, todays project is working on rough drafts of a logo for my best friend and his cousin, who have a blog called Ballistic Stillness. I have a ton of ideas that have been rolling around in my brain for the past couple days. Today I will brain storm some ideas and work on some rough drawings to scan in and send to them later. Some of my ideas deal with a lot of movement along with quiet stillness, for example a moth drawn to a light, or white noise. I dont know how Im going to draw something on flat paper that will represent movement, but I will definitely try. Maybe a close up of an eye with white noise inside of it. Or the reflection of something in the eye...The Lummox gave me an idea he was thinking of, with water rippling and a rocket ship reflected in one of the circles. I will definitely try and portray that for him.
Last night we had an amazing storm again. I turned off all the lights and sat on the porch to watch. I went back to a memory I had of my childhood, counting " one 1000, two 1000, three 1000..." between the lightning and thunder to tell if the storm was getting closer or going away. By the time we came inside it was right over us and loud! Cody decided he was a person too and got up on the bench with me and sat right beside me. I tried to get some pictures and they all turned out funny. The mosquito spray worked, and the lantern I bought helped too but the smell of it sort of seeps into every pour so last night at midnight I was in the shower to get it off of me. I re-counted my bites today and I have 19 itchy mosquito bites on my arms and legs! yikes.

Let the mosquito bites begin

Let the mosquito bites begin…May 28, 2005


So far this Memorial Day weekend I have been very productive! Im so proud of myself, I thought I would end up sitting on my arse the whole time being bored! yay!
Yesterday (Friday) my boss Louie let us off early, I could have left at 1:30 if I had been caught up! We ended up getting out of there by 3 though so it wasnt all that much later. I stopped by the store and got myself some Bud Light in cans, mmmm. Got home by 4 and Cody was so happy and just wanted to play as soon as I walked in the door. So I popped a beer and put on some shorts and a tank top, and we were off on our weekend adventure. We played football for a while, and played with donut for a while before he led me to his most recent discovery; the garden hose. I sprayed him, and he bit at the stream of water until he was soaked to the bone. We sat outside until he dried, and I took some pictures of him rolling around in the grass, trying to dry himself off I guess. He was so cute.

While I was outside, I remembered a project I had once in my college photography class. The project was to pick a theme (nature, or architecture) and find every letter of the alphabet. So I grabbed my camera and started taking pictures. It was a lot of fun! Originally in college I picked architecture, and stayed mostly inside our student union. But taking the pictures outside adds little elements of nature that I never got in those pictures in college. Im adding them to my photo album gallery today.
I found a little friend in the midst of my journey around the yard. A little lizzard. I think hes a gecko because we have so many of them around here, but Im not sure, and he wouldnt tell me. I named him Kermit...I know, hes not a frog, but I thought it fit. He watched me for a while while I walked up and down the path, until he dissappeared into the ivy on the fence for the night.

Cody and I were outside until it started to get dark, I was only to the letter M with my photos but we decided it was time for dinner. He was all dried off and I needed another cold one so we went inside for the night.
My sister called at about 10 and asked me again to come to Dallas, but I just want some alone time since mom and dad are still gone. I told her I wanted to sit around in my panties, and not put on any makeup all weekend and I just wouldnt feel comfortable doing that in her living room! I heard her boyfriend in the background say "we wont mind!" ha ha. I had already gotten into my jammies for the night by then and I was wearing my "Mandy's Big Mellons" tee shirt and a pair of boy shorts. I took a pic to show my sister, but its too x-rated to put on here *wink*. In the middle of the night we had a huge storm, and I got up to open the rain water barrel to catch some water, it was almost empty yesterday since their hasnt been any rain in a while. It rained hard, and the thunder and lightning made me think, what if theres a tornado tonight and I have to evacuate in my Big Mellons tee shirt! I quickly changed into normal pajamas and got back into bed.
This morning the rain had all gone, the water barrel was full and the sun was out in full force. It has been in the 90's here for the last week, but today its nice and breezy and a lot cooler. I realized that I was covered in mosquito bites! I must have about 10 all over my body including a couple that are the size of a quarter. Itcheeeeee. I got up and fed Cody, and got ready to go out and run some errands. I finally got my oil changed and went to the store to replenish the food I had eaten from mom and dads pantry. I also got some OFF! mosquito repellant and a candle to put outside to repel them, hopefully I wont get any more bites today! When I got home Cody and I finished our alphabet photos and had some lunch. Its fun to watch what people are doing this weekend, most everybody has been doing yard work today in our neighborhood. If I knew how to run the lawnmower I would. Ill have to make dad teach me when he gets home next week.

happy happy joy joy

happy happy joy joy…May 27, 2005

yay! its finally Friday!
I hate fridays at work, because of all the paperwork that is piled up from the week, but it will be gone by the end of the day.
We were just laughing our asses off because the girl that shares the office with me had written an email to her bf and instead of writing jello shots, she wrote "Im making jello shits this weekend" and he wrote back laughing and asked her if she needed pepto, she had no idea she wrote that, were both crying we were laughing so hard.
I am going to sleep in this weekend, every day. And stay up late watching movies. I need a tan so Ill prolly sit outside a lot if it isnt too hot. I love having weekends all to myself.
My sister called me last night at Midnight! I was so mad! She said her guy friend wanted me to come to dallas again this weekend to visit, and he was sitting right next to her and couldnt call me himself? what are we 12? So I got mad and told her I needed to get back to sleep and hung up on her. Oh well, shes my sister and will forgive me.
My right eye has been twitching allllll friggin day! It makes me balistic when it does this, its probably from lack of sleep lately tho, hopefully by tomorrow it will go away. grrrrrr
Dont get me wrong, from all my complaining today I really AM in a good mood.
Ah, back to work now...*sipping on a giant sized McDonalds soda* mmmmmm

smooth talker of the day award

Smooth talker of the day…May 25, 2005

AND THE SMOOTH TALKER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO......
no need for a drumroll....
hello,
was just fooling around when i suddenly came accross ur pic and believe me,i was
totally swept off my feet cos it takes an angel to make me feel the way i am feeling right now.looking at ur eyes lift me up in the sky and if my feelings for u was water, i would hv sent u the rain to show u how precious and beautiful u are.plz add me on this yahoo id so that we can talk better ok.
thanks alot,
frank.
I threw up a little in my mouth just now.

I got this in my email this morning...so I checked out his profile...Hes 39 (not bad looking) lives in CA so thats a second mark against him. Sorry bro, you tried waaaay too hard. On the upside though, maybe you could work for Hallmark?
Sometimes I think someone is messing with me. God maybe? Hes up there laughing, Im his little toy. Flick me around some more why dont ya?

i know how that feels

It has been a little over 9 months since I got in my car and drove away from THE EX. And to this day I have not stopped thinking about him in one way or another. He is everywhere. I dont know how to get over him. Maybe I never will, but cheese and rice, I need to stop thinking about him all the time! Tonight during one of my favorite shows, it happened again; I was reminded of THE EX.
On tonights episode of House kicked me in the gut. Backstory: He is a doctor at a hospital and his ex wife Stacy (played by Sela Ward) suddenly calls on him for medical help for her new husband. He reluctantly treats him, because he is still in love with her. He is a man who is shut down to his own emotions so when he showed he was still in love with her, it was a big deal to everyone. So at the end of this episode, after saving her husband from paralysis, Stacy comes to see House in his office.
S~ You were right about me, I’m not over you.
You were the one
You always will be
But I can’t be with you.

H~ So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy who by definition can never be the guy.

S~ What’s so great about you is that you always think you’re right.
What’s so frustrating is you are right so much of the time.
You’re brilliant, funny, surprising, sexy…but with you I was lonely.
With him there’s room for me.

H~ I see.

She kisses him on the cheek with genuine love and walks away. The whole time he looks into her eyes with such sadness and sincere adoration. Its heart breaking.

Ugh. I know how that feels. Except I haven’t found that someone who has room for me yet.

In the show House walks with a cane, and is addicted to Vicodin. Tonight I joined him and treated myself to a pain killer. With a bit of luck I will get some sleep tonight, and stop thinking about THE EX for a few hours.
They played the Stones "You can't always get what you want" at the end...good song.

rant

Today hasn’t been all bad, I just want to get this out of my way and get it out so I can get on with my day.
Ok so on the way to work in the morning I see on average 5-6 people riding road bikes. Austin is one of the best places to ride in the nation, and every once in a while you actually may see Lance Armstrong out there with them. I know the rules because my ex is a road biker, my best friend rides, and a lot of my other close friends ride. Most days the other drivers in cars on the road are polite and follow the "SHARE THE ROAD" rule and give them a little more room, but this morning I wanted to puke. I saw the epitome of a Redneck, in an F-150 with a gun rack and a "Gun Control means using Both Hands" bumper sticker, purposefully drive up on a road biker and got about an inch from knocking him over before peeling out in the dirt and speeding away while giving his buddy in the passenger seat a high five. I hope they didn’t spill their spit cups and Budweiser’s. Stupid assholes!
Ok, I’m done.

The funniest thing I saw today? I wish I had a camera...
School is out for the summer and there was a little boy in front of a minivan as his mom is pulling out of the driveway, waving goodbye to her with his butt.

a sisters weekend

Sisters Weekend…May 22, 2005

Sisters weekend went well! It was WAY too HOT to go to the Oasis and sit out on the decks there, I think it got to 95 yesterday with absolutely no wind at all, so we decided to go shopping for dinner. Went to Whole Foods (did you know the 1st Whole Foods is here in Austin?) It has been completely re-built and is amazing inside with a 3 story parking garage underneath, and an escalator that is big enough for your shopping cart to fit on! We decided to do a wine tasting night complete with gourmet cheeses, and hors d'oeuvres. We went to World Market for the wines, and it was a good thing because they were having a clearance on world wines, so we bought a champagne, a white wine, 2 reds, and a desert red for a really great deal. We stopped by Best Buy because we heard that The Greatest American Hero 1st and second seasons had been released on DVD!!! Oh my gosh were we excited! A night of wine and cheese, complete with an 80's television series, who could want more? Beleive it or not, Im walkin on air. I never thought I could feel so free-e-eee. Flyin away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, its just meeeee!

And we were right, after watching the 2 hour pilot episode, it IS the greatest show ever, it really IS! The wine probably helped too. I think that song will be stuck in my head for days. We made stuffed peppers, and had shrimp cocktail and our champagne and white wine, and then had our cheeses and red wines. We decided that 3 hours of cheesy 80's television was enough so we broke out the home movies and laughed our asses off at eachother. My parents taped everything back then! We got to about 1983 before I was about to keel over. So we packed everything up and went to bed. I think I got up in the middle fo the night and puked, but Im not sure. I remembered we took some pictures last night, and I couldnt figure out how to set the timer, so this is what we ended up with...drunk girls laughing histerically...it was a blast.

A happy friday

Im excited because my sister is coming to stay with me this weekend while my parents go on their trip to Tennessee. It shall be fun because I havent seen her since her graduation and sooooo much has happened since then. We will celebrate her engagement at the Oasis on Saturday after a day of window shopping for wedding dresses and accessories. And Im sure she will want to watch more of the home movies I found stuck under one of the cabinets upstairs. Those are so funny, on her graduation weekend we watched 1977 through 1982. They were all filmed on 8mm and they have no sound! They start back in 1972 when my parents lived in Pensacola, FL so it is a record of moms pregnancy with me, and their move to Italy. They filmed everything back then, all the trips around Europe, every Christmas and birthday, every family visit, and all their get togethers with their friends...its really neat. Somewhere my mom has the audio tapes on reel to reel that go with the movies. It seems like such ancient equipment, reel to reel players, and actual film projectors with the big white screen, but it wouldnt feel like home movies without all that. My gramp even gave us their old movies and they are reeeally old...they start back before my mom was born in 1949! Ill have to get those out of the top of the closet one of these days too.
Im looking foreward to having the house all to myself until June 1!!!! I feel like Ive overstayed my welcome sometimes, but whenever I get close to moving out, they reel me back in by saying "you dont have to leave so soon". So I figure Ill just keep saving money until I feel like I have a big enough pillow to survive comfortably. They leave saturday and are going to Tennessee to look for land to retire on. My dad wants some land for a few head of cattle, and to build a workshop on. My mom wants the country house with the wrap around porch and a big garden. I hope they find somewhere they feel comfortable settling. I thought this house would be the last they would buy, but they are not comfortable with the taxes and the neighbors treat them like servants. I hate their neighbors. They are too gossipy and nosey. anyway Im excited they are going on a trip for 10 days Yay! I can walk around neked if I want to! I can stay up all night with the TV on loud! I can play the music I want to! I can watch the shows I want to! I can not eat dinner, and drink as much beer as I want to without grief! Yay!
Today should be a good day. It started out a little off though. I thought my dog died n the middle of the night because he hadnt moved an inch by 3AM. I poked him and he still didnt move. So I wiggled his body until he looked up at me with tired eyes and I knew, he was just so tired he didnt want to move! Even this morning when he snuck onto my bed, he didnt even really open his eyes. I was worried because dad put down fertilizer pellets in the backyard last night and then turned the sprinklers on. And for anyone who has a Lab breed, you know they cant resist water. Anyhoo, hes fine, just worn out from his week of hard work being a dog.
I get to leave early today to pick dad up from the hail damage place, thats my excuse anyway...Its Friday! I cant possibly last until 5, plus its such a nice day today, I didnt even need a jacket this morning and its supposed to get up to 95 today! I love Summer.

on small creatures and great fantasies

All green lights today! It's definitely a good start to the day when there is not any road rage involved. I am a little disappointed because I just saw someone pull up in our parking lot, and this is supposed to be MY time here early! Oh well she will just have to listen to me type away before I start any work.
Small Creatures:
It's like a virtual nature preserve outside the building where I work. Every morning I drive up and I see a different animal. There are three ducks that wander around in the area and swim in a lttle pond nearby. I wonder why there are three...
Then there are the Sandpipers. They just had two little hatchlings and they are so cute! They have teesy tiny little bodies and these huge long legs. Momma is very protective and sometimes they run under her legs and she sits on them to hide them and protect them from the evil giant redhead that stomps about in their parking lot. There are bunnies, and deer, and cows...and tons of other birds. Its really pretty. I wish I could get a good pic of the baby sandpipers, they are so adorable. My camera phone just doesnt have the zoom I need.
Great Fantasies:
So I feel like today will be a good day. There were more JB dreams last night. I dreamt I stumbled across a book he wrote under an alias so No one would ever know. He wrote about his childhood and included me in there somewhere. We were all sitting around a table reminiscing about our school days, and I was reading this book. I discovered there were more. A girl that he had dated in high school was at the table with us, I was always jealous of her. Then JB and I were alone and he knew I had read about it. He sat really close to me and kissed down my neck. When I woke up I still had goose bumps. FACT=All JB dreams are Good dreams.
A little back-story on JB: He was always the quiet one in our circle of friends, and I always had a crush on him in school, always. I was perpetually waiting for him to ask me out. We were always in the same circle, and even to this day we share the same group of friends although I only keep in touch with them every so often. He was always the guy that showed up out of the blue when I was in the middle of a relationship, and when I was single he would be the one in a relationship. It has been this back and forth thing over the years. In college we had a little long distance "fling" through letters and phone calls. But since I was in a relationship at the time, I had to stop all contact. He ended up sending me a mix tape that I still have with a note saying "These songs make me think of you" ugh, it still makes me gush when I think of all the songs he taped for me. They were almost all John Lennon songs. We had actually been in touch up until a couple years ago through e-mail. One day I got an email from HIS WIFE telling me to please stop sending emails. He’s married? He friggin married a big fat girl we went to school with, (with the same initials as me.) After I found out, he sent me a few pictures of his family, he even has TWO KIDS! So I made him a mix CD and sent it to him. Thats the last I heard from him. Ugh. I still have a crush on him. One day our paths will cross again, it has happened that way our whole lives.

101 useless facts about me

Ok, here it is, a bunch of things not too many people know about me...took me two days to finish! Beware, it is the good the bad and the ugly
1. When I was born they called me the Big Orange in the hospital
2. I have lived at 22 addresses, in 6 states, in 2 countries, on 2 continents.
3. My mom’s private nickname for me is Rosebud, although she only says it in hallmark cards.
4. I have a birthmark under my hair on the back of my neck that grows blonde hair.
5. I have scars on both my cheeks from the forceps they used to yank me out of my mother the day I was born.
6. My name was almost Bonnie Jean.
7. I was named after the lead actress in Love Story- Jennifer, and I think Jean is a family name.
8. I traveled Europe while I was potty training
9. I had a black cocker spaniel named Thessa when we lived in Italy.
10. I had my first sip of beer before I could speak in full sentences
11. When my sister was born I cried because I wanted a brother, the nurses at the hospital gave me a baby-boy doll that was anatomically correct and could wet his diaper!
12. I dropped heavy book on my sister when they brought her home from the hospital.
13. When my sister would cry I would sing her the ABC’s until she fell asleep.
14. I was scared to death of BINGO, you know the dog? I though that he lived in my closet.
15. My first best friend was a boy who only spoke Italian named Thaddeus.
16. I had a cat we named Sylvester Sly Silverheels. I loved that cat; I had him until I finished college.
17. I used to love to roller-skate!
18. I knocked out one of my front teeth on a rock in a playground and it didn’t grow back for years!
19. I broke my arm when I was 6 and at a neighbor’s house playing Horse.
20. Almost all of my friends since I was little have been boys.
21. I have always loved to sing.
22. The first record I memorized was Sesame Street
23. My favorite TV shows when I was little were Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, The Electric Company, 3-2-1 Contact, and The Big Blue Marble.
24. I grew up in a small town in southern California, and was perpetually sunburned.
25. We had lots of animals growing up, including two ducks, Chickens, 3 adult dogs with lots of litters of puppies, 4 adult cats with a couple litters of kitties, and tons of fish. My sister and I even once had cows that lived on my grandfather’s farm!
26. Our dogs were all named after novels my parents had read. Ex: Camelot, and Bilbo Baggins.
27. I went through school with the same kids I graduated high school with, minus the two years I went to school in northern California.
28. My sister and I used to have puppet shows choreographed to our Disney records with our stuffed animals and dolls.
29. I had my first period when I was 9.
30. I hated the color of my hair until I was in college
31. I hate my freckles now, and try my best to cover them on my face
32. I used to collect rocks and even had a rock polishing machine!
33. When I was little I wanted to be a garbage collector
34. I used to play with the snails and frogs in our front yard
35. Id never call myself a girlie girl
36. My first kiss was horrible, and I almost passed out I was so nervous.
37. My first concert was to see the Pointer Sisters
38. I was in love with Simon LeBon from Duran Duran when I was little.
39. I love eating Spam
40. The first penis I ever saw was my next door neighbors when he stuck it through the fence at me and my friend Kori when we were 7 and he was 10.
41. I learned how to drive in a ’67 VW bug
42. I failed my first driving test 3 times
43. I believe in ghosts and spirits
44. When I was younger I dabbled in Wicca
45. I have been bulimic, off an on since I was 21
46. October is my favorite month; I even named a cat after it.
47. I went to a New Kids on the Block concert
48. I used to sneak beer and wine (from a box) when I was little
49. I have a weakness for boy bands
50. I have every Harry Connick Jr. CD made so far
51. deleted!
52. I have a subscription to Playboy
53. I have had 13 boyfriends (who shall remain nameless) in the past 15 years
54. I love 80’s music
55. My first naughty thoughts were about Tom Cruise after seeing Top Gun
56. I have over 800 CD’s and 50 tapes
57. I have an overwhelming fear of deep water, and of driving in places I don’t know
58. I hate being wrong, I cant stand not knowing the answer so almost always I will look it up online
59. I like to be spanked
60. I like knowing all the lyrics to songs I listen to
61. I have had 2 skin cancers removed from my body
62. I have called in sick to work for being hung over
63. I have kissed a girl
64. I have been pregnant
65. I could very easily be bisexual but I love men more
66. I have a bachelors degree, but have never used it
67. I was captain of the drill team in high school
68. I have had ACL reconstruction in my left knee
69. I have cut my own hair for the last 8 years
70. My favorite color is indigo blue
71. I am attracted to bad boys, and "big" guys. So if you’re a big bad boy, call me
72. I love being at home on my free time
73. I still like Milli Vanilli songs
74. I have 37 pairs of converse shoes
75. I had my belly pierced once
76. I could very easily be an alcoholic
77. I am in love with Collin Ferrell and Johnny Knoxville
78. I cant get enough of reality TV
79. I eat salt out of the shaker
80. I would kill to see Def Leppard in concert
81. I would love to make out with Angelina Jolie or Denise Richards
82. I love Impressionist paintings
83. I hate black licorice
84. I’m not sure if I want children, unless I can be a stay at home mom
85. I am selfish
86. I am 31 years old and still get carded
87. I have tried to commit suicide
88. I gag on my toothbrush every morning, and throw up because of that almost every morning
89. I am allergic to Penicillin
90. I don't believe in God, I do believe in a higher power though
91. I have never been a morning person
92. I love wine and fine dining
93. I talk to my dog every day; sometimes I really think he knows what I’m saying!
94. My best friend is a man, (a Lummox)
95. I have always been jealous of my little sister
96. I love to kiss, and once broke up with someone I really liked but who wasn’t a good kisser
97. I am a spaz when I’m alone or with people who know me very very well
98. I sing loudly in my car
99. I have a very strange, sick, and twisted sense of humor
100. It takes me a while to warm up to most people
101. I sometimes hate being a girl
Ok, I have to give a shout out to ATWG for the pic and the idea, I don’t know how I would have spent my time at work for the past two days so thank you! Holla! Oh god, I really AM the whitest girl in America.

weird dreams

Yesterday I went home and immediately got into bed for a nap because I was exhausted from all the puking I had done, but I had the weirdest dream! Big surprise!
Ok so for some reason I always have these dreams about the boys I used to have crushes on in school. One of them that seems to show up in my dreams a lot is a boy we shall name JB. But he wasn’t the biggest part of my dream, lemme start from the beginning. Bear with me, it doesn’t make any sense to me either.
I cant really remember where it started, but I was shopping with my college roommate Jen Miller and we got separated from each other and so I was wandering around looking for her, and I saw my Grammy shopping for white gloves to wear to my graduation. I waved at her from across the store and I don’t think she ever saw me because she was being helped by someone who worked there. I decided to leave, and for some reason I think I had a kid with me in the shopping cart, I think we were in Wal-Mart or something. I’m walking out to my car an on the side of the building is a mural of Ron Howard's head. It was from the time in his life when he played Ritchie Cunningham and he was really young and still had all his hair. So I’m walking across this street and there are a bunch of people running around and panicing and there was a dead body being examined by the police in the middle of the road. My dad was walking off in the distance and someone yelled for him to come quick, that he would want to see something. I got in my car and left. Later I found out that my sister had been shot in the face by this guy who got out of prison and immediately went to her to kill her for some reason. I had a feeling she had something to do with him being in prison. My dad was explaining it to me then and he said her face was blown open but miraculously healed itself back together right in front of him. She was fine and back at work. I went to go see her, and she worked at a hotel as a concierge. She checked me into a room and JB was there. I was teasing him and asked him if he wanted to take a shower with me. He just laughed and said no. I walked into the bathroom and started the water and he came in, we laughed and began messing around in the shower, he didn’t have a condom so we both went to find one. We went out to ask my sister and she said she had one if he paid her $5 and if I gave her another $1.45. I ran to my purse and started digging and found a bunch of quarters and gave them to her for the condom. At one point I remember wanting to go find the man that shot her, and I wanted to kill him. I remember I talked to him but that part of the dream gets fuzzy and I can’t remember anything.
I don’t know how JB became the focus in that dream, maybe because he was the last thing I remember from the dream before I woke up. I have no idea what that means, other than I need to call my sister to see if she’s ok.

torture

I can't tell you what agony it is to have to be at work while you are sick. I guess I can stand to be here with a cold, but having to get up and down to run to the bathroom is a bit embarrassing. People start to look at you funny after the tenth trip back from the bathrooms. And I want to explain to them that I have internal problems going on, but it is lunchtime and I think they may be disgusted by the details. Soooo I try and get my mind off of it while I’m here, and the day is jut dragging might I add.
So far today I have only done a smidge of actual work, and the rest of the day has been spent blog hopping. I love reading about other people’s lives. I have to admit the first blog I ever came across was for Wil Wheaton a few years ago. I googled his name for some reason and it took me to his site WWdN and before I knew it I was hooked. Its like stumbling across someone’s diary or something. It becomes addictive. Back then I had no idea what a blog was, but I had a journal online for a while. That didn’t last long because it was so hard to upkeep. Anyway, the point of my story was, I remembered Wil's blog today and so I went. I was a geek and sent him an email too. Only to be polite and tell him that I put a link to his site on my blog. oh yeah I also added a story from when I was little and saw him on a camping trip we took one summer before Stand By Me came out. I used to have a picture with him in it, we were playing in the river, but I think I lost it in 7th grade when I was showing it off to all my friends at school. So i sent him a little hello from me, the one who once shared a splash in the Colorado River with him somewhere at a national park I cannot remember the name of. I know, Im a big dork. But my brain isn’t working because of all the spewing I have endured today. Not to mention bug spray fumes. But maybe he will write back, who knows? It could happen.
I also sent an email to Sean Kelly, my high school ex-boyfriend, because today is his birthday. We have been emailing back and forth for a while now, more lately since I moved to Austin. Its fun sharing memories, and funny moments from our pasts, and catching up. He’s a good guy. Happy birthday to him.
Also been IM-ing with the lummox today as usual. He found a nice girl through eHarmony.com! Good for him! Sadly I will not ever have the pleasure of getting a date through eHarmony because I...*sigh* ...am a loser. An eHarmony reject. Thank you, come again. I have faith in myself that one day I will meet a geek worthy of my own dorky qualities, and we will live happily ever after, together as eHarmony rejects. Anyway, good for the Lummox. He deserves a girl who will be good to him, for once.
Well, I suppose I should do some work. I had some hot tea, again because I heaved the first cup I drank, and some soup and I’m feeling much bettah. When I threw up the cherries the first time, I started thinking about that scene in the movie The Witches of Eastwick where the town gossip has a spell put on her and she uncontrollably throws up cherry seeds all over the house. Gross.

the routine

They say dogs are creatures of habit. They like to eat in the same place, go out at the same times, sleep at the same times, pee in the same place. Its funny to me because I know its true. My dog has a really funny routine every day and his day isnt complete until we have gone through each and every one of the steps before he can rest at night. If you miss one he will bug you and bug you until you figure out which one you forgot. So our day starts:

6:15AM-alarm goes off, he "sneaks" up onto the bed with me until I get up.
6:20AM- as i walk to the bathroom he gets in front of me and walks head first through my legs and stands there between your legs until you hug him. We call this his Cody-Bear hug. (Unsuspecting people are startled when he tries to "hug" them.)
6:25AM-As I get ready in the bathroom he lays behind my feet.
6:55AM-we both go downstairs and he finds his collar for me to put on.
6:56AM-we prop the back door open s he can go out, but he just peeks his head out the doggy door for his morning weather report.
6:57AM-He gets fed, but he will just sit there and stare at it unless you put a little something extra on it, thank goodness for Iams savory sauce in bacon flavor. He then takes one piece of food, and walks out of the room to eat it, sometimes he takes it in his mouth and tosses it into the kitchen and chases it and then eats it, and then comes back and I kiss him on the head and say "be a good boy"...now if I forget this part, and open the door to leave, he will try and walk with me out the door.
7AM-5:45PM- I am not home so I can only suspect that he eats his food, goes out for a potty, and sleeps until someone comes home.
5:45PM- I get home and listen for the jingle of his collar as he runs to me and gives me a Cody-Bear hug, sometimes he goes in and out of my legs a few times and that is when I know he has had a boring day and hes really excited to see me so I just stand there and scratch his back until he’s done.
6:00PM- we go outside for play. He goes straight to the huge bottle of bubbles and stands there until we play. Normally its windy out so this makes it fun for him to chase the bubbles all over the yard and eat them, the bubbles are also bacon flavored. We play until he sits down on my feet. Sometimes we play Frisbee afterwards but lately since its been hotter he just lays down and pants.
6:30-7PM-We play randomly with whatever object he brings us, football, Frisbee, sock, ball...its his choice.
7PM-he will sit in front of you and stare at you until you ask "are you hungry?" and then he stands up and gives you the cute head tilt as if that is sign language for yes. And he will then excitedly follow you to where he’s fed and follows the same procedure he does at breakfast with the sauce, and taste test.
7:15PM when he’s finished eating he will then bug my mother until she gets up and cooks dinner. He will stick his head in her lap, crawl up into her chair, put his paws up on her, anything until she gets up and cooks dinner! It is the strangest thing, because when she does, he stops being so antsy and lays down in the kitchen while whoever it is cooks dinner.
Most nights he knows when mom is feeding our cat, so he stays on her heels the whole time and then watches the kitty eat, and whines at her to come out and play with him.
After dinner-the bugging routine continues until it is dark enough outside to play his favorite game...Flashlight! We used to play inside but he has started a new habit of barking at the flashlight while he chases it so we do this out in the back yard.

After chasing the flashlight his day is usually complete and he can finally rest. so he lays down in front of dads recliner, and someone takes off his collar. He will stay there until the last person goes to bed, and then he will either go upstairs and sleep on the stairway landing, or in front of my door until my alarm goes off the next morning and then our day starts all over again.
It is so funny to see this, because he likes it to be exactly the same every single day!

i kissed nick rhodes

I have always been in love with 80's bands, anyone who is close to me knows I am the queen of 80's music. The first posters I had up in my room were posters of Duran Duran, and I became almost obsessed with them. I pretty much still am, if they come out with new music I am one of the first to buy it. Even when they broke apart and became Power Station and Arcadia and did separate projects. So I guess you could say I’m a Duran Duran fanatic. I have no idea why but last night I had the freakiest dream about Nick Rhodes.
It started in a dorm building. It was moving out day and the building was pretty much vacant. There were a few of us still going up and down the elevators to our rooms and down to the lobby. In the middle of the lobby there was a big open bathrooms with showers, it was red tile with a big drain in the center. At the beginning of my dream I am in an elevator with two other people, I didn’t recognize them, it was a guy and a girl. The elevator started to fall, and we all kinda backed up to the wall. Then it started to fall sideways and we all walked our feet on whatever wall was on the bottom, and it kept rotating and falling with us in it. Then we couldn’t keep up with the rotation so we put our arms up and rolled along with the elevator, when we were upside down we could see the floors go by in a small opening in the doors. The guy would yell "floor!" so we started counting floors until we started to see sunlight and then we knew the ground was coming. We braced ourselves but the landing was not hard.
Then all of a sudden I’m back in line for the elevators with one of my friends, a very homosexual Nick Rhodes. We were talking about memories we have had in the dorms, and we were excited about going out later. There was also a bar on the first floor of the dorms. It reminded me of how casino hotels are built- you walk in the doors to a casino and the first thing you see is either the bar or a restaraunt. So then we were in the elevator on our way to the bar, and we were laughing. I said to him "I do have a confession, I’ve always had a crush on you since I was little. I’ve always loved Duran Duran" and then we laughed because he is so overly effeminate. Then in the bar he leans over to me and kisses me quickly on the lips. He lingers there for a while and then we kiss passionately for a couple minutes. I’m really confused. He becomes worked up, as am and he begins pulling me closer to him. He begins to take off my jeans and before I know it I have my underwear off and I notice I have started my period and Im disappointed. I say "man, I cant" and he says" its fine, well take cocaine, it will anesthetize the blood." Then I worry because Ive never been on Coke before and I really don’t want it inside of me. The weird part of it is, Im thinking instead of a condom he will use the coke as a precaution and that it would be put inside of me sexually. So I told him I had to think about it and went back to the elevators to go change. As Im waiting in line I smile to myself, I just kissed Nick Rhodes...eeeeee! I get out of line because the elevator that opens is the one that fell previously and I don’t want to be in that one again. Then I am back in the bathroom, and see Nick and another guy on the floor, they are covered in blood and are having anal sex. They are both trashed on coke and sweaty. They are both still in their clothes, the other guy has a white button down shirt that is drenched with sweat and blood, and Nick is behind him just going at it. I’m startled and I cant figure out if it is me on the floor with Nick or someone separate from me, because I can feel pain. The kind of low dull constant pain you feel after a surgery when everything is filtered through morphine. I am wasted, I can hardly hold my eyes open and then it is me on the floor with Nick. There is blood flowing into the drain in the floor. The red tiles don’t show the color of the blood so it looks like thick water until it hits the shining metal of the drain. I feel the pain inside of me, it is like a seething, burning, dull ache but I am so messed up on drugs, I can stand it. Then all of a sudden I am dressed and Nick is in the shower. I feel sick. He has painted on the wall of the shower stall in blood. Then I woke up. Eeeek!
What the hell? What in the world made me dream that? I did have 2 beers last night, but I drank them slowly and with each one I also had a can of seltzer water. I took Nyquil before bed, and looked at the newest issue of Playboy until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. I’m not due to start my period until the last day of this month. I was really worried that I would wake up to a bed full of blood! Eeesh!

for the love of god...

The names have all changed to protect the innocent:

Jen,
These members want to meet you. Do you want to meet them?
Age: 55 Age: 36 Age: 37 Age: 28 Age: 31 Age: 47 Age: 33
You ask for professional help and this is what you get.....
For the love of god man, at least put a good picture of yourself online!
What’s with the civil war guy?
Cheese and Rice!!!!

a good day

Today is a really good day! I’m happy to say I made it through day two of not drinking and this morning I’m feeling awesome. I was able to get out of bed within 5 minutes of my alarm going off, got into the shower and I was out the door within 30 minutes! And I found out a secret, when you leave the house before 7AM the green lights seem to last longer! YAY! I even had enough time this morning to lace up some new Chuck Taylor high tops instead of stepping into my slippers on the way out the door! I feel great. I’m here at work 30 minutes early, no one else is here and that gives me time to write a little bit before I have to put my nose to the grindstone.
I have come to realize that my family, well I shouldn’t say my whole family, I shall say the women in my immediate family...we are worriers. My sister called last night worried that I wouldn’t know she wanted me to be her maid of honor at her wedding. Ok she just got engaged 4 days ago! And although I hadnt heard it straight from her mouth I pretty much figured that was a given, because she will be my maid of honor at my wedding. My mom and I had been talking earlier about what kind of dress she will wear and I had bet she already went out and bought a bunch of Bride's magazines but she hadn’t, she has been looking for a venue for the reception though. I think she will have it in Detroit, and she also wants it to be in February...brrrrr. Well be cold, but it will be beautiful with the colors she has already chosen! White and deep burgundy reds. SO my dress will be burgundy, which is ok, its better than red on me, but then again it isn’t my day to worry about. Or is it? Part of the maid of honors duties include: planning the bridal shower and making a toast at dinner. Ok so now I’m worrying. I can make the plans with help, that’s a no brainer...its the getting up in front of a wedding full of people and talking I’m worried about. I’ve never been able to speak in front of people, not even in front of people I’ve worked with for over 6 years. I guess I will need a few beverages before I start talking, and I do have plenty of time to prepare a speech, which shouldn’t be hard because it includes one of the things I love to talk about= my family. My mom is worrying that my sister is making her decisions based on other peoples opinions, and isn’t making the day just hers, and it should be that way but she is just thinking about the other people who will be involved. I can understand that, but I do hope she isn’t just getting married in Detroit to make her fiancé’s family happy. I mean she’s only visited there once, she doesn’t know a whole lot about it. Whew, and its only been 4 days since she has had the ring on her finger! Other things my sister and I are worried about: our weight, the church, his best friends (one of whom has recently come fwd to her and talked down about her fiancé), his sisters involvement in the planning, his mothers involvement in the planning, my mother having to travel to Detroit to help plan with his mother...the list is endless. All I have to say is when I get married, it will be in the summer, in the hills, I will be barefoot in the grass, he will wear jeans and a button down shirt, and there will be 30 people there tops. We will have a picnic for the reception, and it will be simple and easy and I will not worry about hardly anything. I think I shall go buy her a wedding planning guide this weekend to put her thoughts together so she can start planning the way she needs to. I have noticed my dad doesn’t seem to be so excited, I guess that’s the way men are though. Plus...both my parents have known about the engagement since Easter when her then boyfriend asked my dad for his blessing. Its funny we are talking about worrying because I had noticed my parents had been secretive since then and I knew they had been keeping something from me, I had been racking my brain since then trying to figure out what it was. I’m just relieved it was something good like this. What am I worried about now? Going to get my oil changed at lunch, because my car is a bit low and rumbly and my low fluid light popped on yesterday on my way home in traffic. I’m hoping that’s all it is. I need a man to help me keep track of these things! Anyhoo...its 5 past, I have to get to work!

Sick and at work

I hate getting too behind at work and leaving my co-workers in charge of picking up my slack, so I came in today...still sick as hell. I went to bed at 9 last night after laying on the couch all day feeling like shit. I successfully avoided any sort of alcohol so I’m feeling good about myself for that. But I woke up after a few hours of sleep, it was still dark so I’m thinking to myself as I rolled over to check my alarm clock, that it must be at least 3 or 4 AM...it was 11:45PM! I just moaned and put my pillow over my head. Went on through the rest of the night like that, a couple hours asleep and an hour awake. I hate that. Plus I cant tell if I’m burning up or freezing my ass off. So I wore a sweatshirt over a tank top today, and its supposed to be 88 degrees out today. I got here half an hour early because I couldn’t sleep until my alarm went off, and when the girl who shared my office came in she immediately told me it was freezing in here...I was sweating bullets. Oh well. Our phones got shut off which is not a good thing, but it will make my life a bit easier today because people don’t usually like listening to someone cough in their ear on the phone. bleh. I’m looking forward to AI tonight though!! I hope Anthony gets the axe tomorrow.

bleh

Sick again today. And I’m soooo pretty. No makeup, red nose...chapped lips. And I think I have pink eye. Fun. This morning I coughed so much I gagged myself and puked. And my eye was crusted shut when i woke up. Nasty. I’m sure my parents will suggest i go see a doctor, but what’s he going to do for me? Besides take $25 bucks from me. I have Advil cold and sinus, and i have Nyquil and Kleenex...Ill be fine by tomorrow Ill bet. It’s the getting up first thing before the medicine has kicked in part that I hate. We shall see. I’m still practicing my not drinking. But I did break down and have a glass of wine last night with dinner. Tonight I shall drink soda water and that’s all. Goodnight, I have to get back to the couch where I’ve been all day.

I love a rainy night….May 8, 2005

Today has been marvelous. It started raining last night, and stormed until this afternoon. Thunder and lightning and wind and rain. To some people that might sound like a dreary day, but for me it is a lovely day! I love the wind, so the move to Texas was a good one for me because it is windy here alll the time. Pretty much every day the wind blows, not just a breeze either...I’m talking hard, blow your hair back and hold on to your hats wind. But I love it. It reminds me that the earth around me is living and breathing, its alive. To feel the thunder shudder through your bones, and hear the crack of lightning come down from the sky, it has always been fascinating to me. Its the earths way of reminding us whos the boss.
So I slept in as long as I could force myself to, listening to the rain tap on my window, and the wind try and take the screen from it. I got up to the smell of waffles grilling, and bacon sizzling. My dad was making my mom her mother's day breakfast in bed. She was already up and dressed when I came down though. I had a couple waffles with her and we watched a movie on Lifetime. She opened her card and gifts from me and then we watched "Riding the bus with my sister" a Hallmark movie with Rosie O'Donnell. I must say she did a great job playing a mentally challenged adult. I just love her, and I think it was a brave move after she took herself out of the limelight to persue her family. After a couple phone calls from our neighbors and my sister, who is already worrying herself over wedding plans, I’m trying to figure out what to make for dinner. I think my only choice is stir fry. Oh well that is all I had to work with, and mom wouldn’t let me out of the house to go shopping. Its still cloudy out now, I’m wishing for more rain and wind. It soothes me.

insert witty comment here

I’m so tired I can’t think up a good title for today. I don’t know why I drink every night, but I do...and I always hate myself in the morning. Always. There hasn’t been a morning in the last 2 years that I haven’t peeled myself out of bed and not felt like I have been hit by a truck. I should stop drinking, I know. Maybe I shall start not drinking tonight. That would be lovely. I tell myself that almost every day, and almost every day I drink.... well not almost, always. As I was driving to work today I was pondering how awful I am to myself, mainly to my body. I thought about my alcoholism, and then I opened a coke and guzzled it. Breakfast of champions. A coke for breakfast? When I was 8 the thought of having a coke for breakfast was a distant fantasy! Little did I know back then that drinking Coke is a great way to fix your stomach after a night of binge drinking! Yay! Add caffeine and you have an instant human. This must be a Texas thing because when we say coke we mean soda. Any kind of soda. Want a Coke? What kind? It could be a Dr Pepper, or a Sprite...its a Texas thang. I remember being made fun of because of that when we lived in San Diego. I must have gotten it from my parents. That and the alcoholism are two things I have inherited from my parents. Thanks mom and dad. Ill add not drinking to my list of things to do today, right under my number one thing to do today: get up at 5AM and work out. As if!

pee ess...
I had forgotten how much I love Prince songs. I actually heard Purple Rain on the radio this morning! Rad!