Cabin Fever

9/28/2006
Cabin Fever

I'm soooooo bored y'all
I have often thought about how nice it would be to not have to go to work every day. To be able to stay home all day and get stuff done around the house. Boy was I wrong. I am so friggin bored, Im tired of this house, and I am going batty! Unemployment is boring!

So far, no job still. I did go into what I thought was a fantastic interview on Monday morning. The job description was a mix of my last two jobs so I thought it would be perfect for me. I went in, I was confident in my interview answers and the whole thing lasted 45 minutes which - so far- has been the longest interview yet. I thought I was in! The woman I interviewed with told me she would know after Tuesday and give me a call. But what does that mean? If she knew Tuesday shouldnt she have called me on Tuesday either way? So far I havent heard back from her either way. I am one of those people that likes to know what I did wrong if I don't get the job. Its nice to know what I need to better about myself, but it also makes me feel like an idiot most times.

I guess I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed these days. I thought for sure I'd have a job by now. Its almost been a month and I've really only had four or five interviews out of all the work I put into trying to find a job. Is it supposed to be this hard? Either I'm overqualified, I'm asking for too much money, or I'm not a fit for the position. What is wrong with me? Can someone give me some insight into the world of being unemployed and job hunting? I'm getting depressed because of all of this.

A big part of me is telling me to just pack up and move back to Denver. I mean whats the difference right? I can be unemployed in Austin or unemployed in Denver...eh...I guess Im putting too many options in front of my face and I need to stop that. Its just complicating things. I need to just concentrate on getting a job here and then plan the move back to Denver after the job thing works out. And then I start stressing about breaking my lease, because most likely I wont live here for that much longer- I hope I wont be here that long. But there again, I dont need to be worrying about that just yet. I just want to be closer to Rugby Dude.

Speaking of mister wonderful, I have gotten two more postcards from him since last I wrote; too cute. He is having the time of his life traveling around Italy, Slovenia, Slovakia, Hungary, Budapest, and now he is in Munich for Oktoberfest! I told my friend Nicole who lives near there to go Rugby Dude hunting at the festival! That would be too funny. Small world. We have been able to talk on the phone for little bits of time every couple of days or so. He blows my mind. No man I have ever been with would want to call me long distance while on a grand adventure as he is on, and he calls me all the time! It feels so fantastic to know that he is actually thinking of me while he is over there. I can't wait for him to come back to the states so we can continue our relationship and make it stronger. I really want this to work, he is the most amazing man I have ever been with.

I wrote him a letter the other night because I wanted him to know that I really am waiting for him and I do truly miss him. I have talked about this issue before in the blog but it is a big deal to me that I actually have strong feelings about him while he is away, that I miss him as much as I do. Because I don't miss people like I should because of the way I grew up. Here is a bit of what I wrote to him explaining why:

"...I grew up in a Navy family, and I learned how not to miss people while they were gone for long periods of time. I learned how to take care of myself, and be patient until my father got home from being on “cruise” for up to thirteen months at a time. Even my best friends growing up were all Navy kids like me, and I only saw them probably once or twice a year unless I had the extreme privilege of living in the same town as them. I am probably different than other girls you have dated because of this. I don’t know if I should be apologizing for it- or to be proud of it because it made me very independent. I guess you could say I have been conditioned in the way I act on my emotions when it comes to the people I love.
To some people it may come across as detached, or cold but I promise you, it is not meant to be that way. It is how I grew up; it is the way I learned how to act ...My sister and I have had this constant problem with the way we deal with distances and our relationships. It has been a really hard thing to explain to people. She and I have had many conversations about it, and we have never been able to put it into words so that anyone else could understand."

It is a hard thing to try and explain in words. Its not that I don't miss people the way I should, its that I'm more accustomed to being far away from the people I love. It is easier for me I guess, when it comes to long distances and relationships. But it doesnt mean that it isnt hard for me too- I just deal with it differently than most. I'm planning to go see him at the end of October in Florida before he moves to Denver. Man, I miss him.

I suppose I should get back to job hunting. But before that I'd like to share a silly little story that happened to me yesterday:
________________________________________
Where is he?

Earlier this evening I was mowing my lawn. It was so nice outside and kids were riding their bikes on the sidewalks before dinner. I was sweaty and red faced and a little girl, probably seven or so came up to me on her bike as I was putting my mower away.

"You tired?" she asked
I laughed, "yeah, I'm all sweaty from mowing my lawn"
"where is your husband?"
I cracked up laughing "you know I ask myself that question all the time..." I said to her.
Without a beat she said "...cause if you have one, he should be mowing your lawn not sitting on his lazy ass watching TV" and she rode off with her little attitude and her I don't think so! tee shirt.

ha ha. Im still laughing about that.
-Jenni

The sky is Falling!

9/25/2006
The sky is Falling!

Happy third day of fall everyone! Or as we call it here in Texas- Same.

This time of year is always the happiest for me; I absolutely love autumn weather. The other day I opened the door for Cody to go out and the morning light was just a bit different, the sky seemed a little deeper blue and the sun was at a different angle. That’s when I knew- Fall is here! I really have no memory of the first year I was here in TX for fall- but last year really never changed from summer through the fall. This year the weather has been fantastic so far. Its in the 50’s in the mornings and really only has gotten into the 80’s during the day.

Why do I love the fall? To me it means that the holidays are near for one; Halloween was always such a great fall holiday when I was young. It means that family will be coming together soon for Thanksgiving. The crispness in the air, the smell of the recent rain, the wind on my face, I love it all. It means that football games will become the excitement for everyone looking forward to bowl games and cheering their favorite teams. The taste of a warm drink on a cold evening watching football sigh what more could you ask for?

And the colors of the leaves, ugh, don’t get me started. I had the privilege of living in the most beautiful state in our country- Colorado (in my opinion) has the most spectacular fall show of anywhere I have seen in person. The mountains are covered in aspen trees that turn the hillsides into glittering golden splendor every autumn, nature’s finest grandeur right there for all of us to enjoy. I miss seeing that every year, it was the time of year I loved to take road trips into the Rockies to see the patchwork quilt Mother Nature has laid out for us. One day Ill go back, I’m not worried- I will see it soon enough. In central Texas we don’t get much of a showing of fall leaves changing colors, although there are some trees that will eventually shed their leaves at Christmas time.

Did you know- that leaves don’t technically FALL off the trees in autumn? Yes it’s true! The leaves are literally pushed off by a layer of cells between the base of the leaf and the branch of the tree. So you could say the tree cuts its own leaves off. With that cellular barrier the leaves will fall off for winter, but if that barrier never developed the leaves would stay on and put the tree into danger of breaking if heavy snow were to fall.

And why do the leaves change colors in the first place? Well I will tell you! As the days become shorter, the trees begin to respond to less and less sunlight by producing less chlorophyll, which keeps the leaves green. Eventually the trees stop producing chlorophyll, which lets the non-dominant carotenoid cells become dominant again and they are the cells that create color. The weather, cloud cover, and freezing nights have a lot to do with the color of the leaves too. If there is more cloud cover during the day and colder nights the leaves will be more yellow than red, and vice versa.

-Jenni

an Apology to my Dog

9/23/2006
an Apology to my Dog

*disclaimer* no animals were harmed in the making of this entry

My dearest Cody,
I am so sorry for the way I have been acting these last few days since I lost my job. I am sure you are wondering why your schedule has been so messed up lately. I promise it will get back to normal soon. Just continue to be patient with me.

I know you like to get up early and have your breakfast and go out for a potty before 7am, but mommy doesn’t like getting out of bed in the mornings if she doesn’t have to. When I wake up for the first of many times, I will feed you and let you outside before I go back to bed. Just make sure to shut the sliding glass door when you are done because Ill be too lazy to wait for you. You’re a big boy, and I know I can count on you to take care of yourself while I sleep all day.

I’m sorry you have had to sleep on my piles of dirty clothes and beer cans in the bedroom because I have been too lethargic to do anything. You are used to having a nice clean soft carpet to sleep on next to my bed, I know. But I noticed you have made due and have created a little nest in my laundry to sleep in. I promise it won’t be like this for much longer.

I am sorry that I haven’t let you take me for a walk in such a long time. I just have no energy to walk outside, not to mention I would scare people. I am sorry I haven’t taken a shower in two days because I have nowhere to go. Maybe if we scheduled a walk for outside I would take a shower and put on makeup for a public presentation. But I will need to do laundry first.

I’m sorry you have had to take yourself to bed every night because I stay up way too late. I know you like to go to bed before 1am, so you just go ahead and go upstairs to your nest if I am too drunk on the couch to take you up to bed. I am sorry if I wake you up when I come to bed, I promise I can’t see you in the dark and never meant to step on your ear that one time. Plus I was a little tipsy.

I’m sorry I forgot to buy you food last week and that you had to eat leftovers and cornflakes instead. It was only for a day or so; I just didn’t have the energy to go shopping. Besides you liked the leftovers better than your normal food, even though I know it isn’t very healthy for you. But remember I got you a treat along with your normal food though so hopefully you will forget about the leftovers soon.

One day soon, our schedule will return to normal, god I hope it happens soon…and we can return to our normal lives. I promise I will try and get out of bed before 2 tomorrow, but I will get up and let you outside long before that. I will actually get dressed and not wear my pajamas all day and all night so that I can join you in the yard to play. I will get the laundry done and pick up the empty beer cans so that you can have a nice place to sleep next to my bed. I will take a shower and take you outside for a walk when it gets cooler outside so that we can both enjoy it.

You are the best dog ever. You never give me dirty looks or tell me that I smell bad, and you are the greatest listener ever. You are so patient with me, and hardly ever talk back. You are great at acting like you really missed me when I go out of the house for errands, even if it has only been for three minutes to check the mailbox. You never tell me I’m a bad mommy, and you love me in spite of my downfalls. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I’m a bit absent from your life. I love you.

- Your drunken unemployed depressed sloth of a mother who watches too much television

it's the little things

it's the little things

Speaking of the GOOD people in my life...
He loves me. I know he loves me not because he tells me he does, but because I know he listens to me and actually hears me. A few days ago I recieved a postcard from Torino Italy from Rugby Dude with the picture above on the front. He knew that would bring a smile to my face, and picked that one for me. He was thinking of me, and he knows what I like. He sent me those flowers a few weeks ago, knowing that my favorite flower is the sunflower because he listened to me. You know a man really loves you if he can pick up on those little things, and make them a big deal for you.

I remember the first time he came to visit me here in Austin. He was such a gentleman the whole time. Even when he left, I was finding little things that he left behind. The first one was that he actually refilled my ice cube trays! This sounds so silly now but at the time it was the most exciting thing! I had to text message him to tell him thanks and to ask when we were going to get married because he is the only man who has ever refilled my ice cube trays after using the ice!

I swear, I know its cliche but its true- It really is the little things that count. They are definitely adding up for me!

-Jenni- a very happy girlfriend

Superficial meaningless blog of tripe

Superficial meaningless blog of tripe

Today, I sat down to my new daily schedule of searching for jobs online when I saw a tiny little email flashing at me from my junk mail box. Low and behold- it was from that piece of junk the Lummox. I left it there for a few minutes before opening it.. I sat back and let my heart rate slow down, because when I react impulsively- that’s when I get into trouble.
Since the middle of July, I haven’t had contact with him and for good reasons. I found out from a good friend in Denver, that right after Lummox and I broke up- he actually had the balls to call her and coax her to have sex with him- for one thing that is so tacky, and for another she is married! She and I decided not to talk to him ever again. I let him know that our mutual friend had confided in me and he sent me the nastiest, most malicious email I have ever gotten from someone who claimed to have loved me once. He called my life “superficial and meaningless” and described my blog as “tripe”. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I told him to go to hell, in so many words. He has become toxic.
My girlfriend in Denver and I still talk about that. She will never be able to be a friend to him after he hit on her and hasn’t spoken to him since. We both have known him for so long that we predicted he would turn around, and that wouldn’t be the last we heard from him. Voila! We were right. I really wonder if he sent an email to her as well today thinking that he is a martyr or something. He is just sad and lonely.
I thought long and hard about whether or not I should reply. For a while I had decided to just ignore it. But then I remembered all the cruel and spiteful things he said to hurt me. I had to calm myself down again, but I decided to give the situation some closure. I tried to be short, and to the point while still letting him know why I will not give him another chance. This is what I came up with:
“It’s amazing how predictable you are- I knew I’d be hearing from you. But I thought you had already said goodbye to me Lummox, long ago? How quickly we change our minds eh? I know my mind was changed the minute you began lashing out at me with maliciously cruel and painful words. I can’t be your support system, not for a person who purposefully hurts me out of spite, not anymore. I loved who you once were to me, but I don’t have love to give you any longer. I have moved on.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Good luck to you.
Back to my “superficial meaningless life of tripe" as you once so bluntly put it. - C’est La Vie
-Jen”
Hopefully that will be the end of it.
A couple of months ago I decided to push out all the toxic people from my life. Lummox became a toxic person the second he brought feelings of anger into our relationship. I don’t need that in my life, I have much better people in my life to spend my time and thoughts on. And I am so much happier for it. Onward and upward!
-Jenni

I will never forget

09.11.01
It was a Tuesday morning in September. I had called in sick because I had been diagnosed with Mono and I was still in bed. I lived in Denver, alone in a tiny studio apartment so when I heard my door being unlocked it startled me. The only person who had a key was The Dreamer but he should have been at school. I pulled the pillow off from covering my head and sat up to see, and in he walked.
“What are you doing out of school so early?” I asked as I collapsed back into my bed relieved. He looked at me with grey sunken eyes, as if he wasn’t able to speak. I sat up again worried. “What’s wrong?” I asked anxiously. He dropped his head and closed the door behind him. Still he said nothing. I began to really worry. He was pale and his movements were painfully slow as he put his keys on my kitchen table. He looked at me again, furrowing his brow and finally spoke “oh my god you don’t know do you” he said almost whispering as he suddenly tuned to the TV. “What?” I was getting impatient and watched him switch to MSNBC.
“We are under attack,” he said. My eyes moved from him to the TV, I can still see that scene in my head as if it just happened. What I saw on the television took the breath from my lungs. I stood up in the middle of my bed and covered my face with my hands. Everything around me swam with the sounds of the television. I stood there for what was probably half an hour watching them replay over and over the same scene from the world trade center being hit by those planes. The Dreamer had been talking to me but I didn’t hear a word he had said. I couldn’t believe it. This couldn’t possibly be happening in our country. There must be some mistake. And then the third plane hit the pentagon. I fell to my knees. I don’t think I have ever been so scared.
I could not even blink, I don’t know why but I couldn’t pull my eyes from the images I was seeing. Tower two collapsed first and that is when the tears began to drip off my elbows because my hands were still on my face. People were running for their lives as that huge cloud of debris engulfed the city and took hundreds of lives, right before our eyes. The city turned white. I remember seeing a documentary about the firefighters that survived, one of them explained the debris “nothing was left, it was all turned to dust” he said. This cannot be happening. I must be dreaming I thought. I wish it were just a bad dream. A very very bad dream.
Coincedentally, as we sat in horror watching the images my VCR was set to record a program that morning, instead it taped a horrible day in history. I have still not been able to watch that tape. I am not ready to re-live that day. Movies are being released, and I cry just at the glimpse of the sadness portrayed in the previews. I am not ready, but I will never forget.
I remember reading an article that said “It changed everything about our world when the first plane hit. When the second one hit it changed it again.” I will never forget that day EVER. It changed so many of our lives that day; it changed the world, as we once knew it. Where were you?

honey

Honey

It was late August of 2004. I was still getting over my epic drive from Denver, even though it had already been three days past; it was still fresh. I remember laying on the floor of my parents TV room when we got the call that my grandmother had been in a car accident. I heard my mother hand the phone to my dad and say “its your sister, I think there’s something wrong” when I heard him say “oh my goodness” I knew. Honey was gone.

Honey was the heart of our family. Everything revolved around her because she held us all together. She was the glue that kept us all close. And she was one of the main reasons that I decided not to go back to Denver. At that point I was still with The Dreamer, naively thinking that we could fix our relationship somehow, and still working remotely for my boss in Denver thinking that I may return after a couple weeks. When Honey died, I made my decision to leave The Dreamer, and quit my job. She would have given me that advice, had I confided in her; so in a way Honey was my guide.

There is a tradition in my family; at least for the female side of the family, every Labor Day weekend we all gather together for a few days to relax and catch up. That was my first year at what we now fondly call “Estrogen Fest”. There was a huge emptiness where Honey would have been, but we used that time to laugh and talk about Honey stories and remember her lovingly. We were all dramatically saddened that she wasn’t there, but we knew she would have wanted us to have a great time.

We used the weekend to help clear out Honey’s house; it needed to be put up for sale. Tears were shed as we emptied the house; I think each one of us had our own little breakdown that day. It was so final. The house that we all grew up in just wasn’t the same. My cousins and my aunts and Sarah and I all had our individual memories of Honeys house, but one story in particular entwined us all in similar ways. I’ve written about it before, but I thought it appropriate to tell the story again of The Red Room.

The Red Room was the room that all of the grandchildren would stay in when we visited. Remembering that this was my grandmother’s house, and it had been for at least 40 years- it was a time capsule from the 1960’s in there. The interior décor hardly changed over the years, and that is what made it so endearing to us all. The Red Room was so named because of the red corduroy covered trundle bed, and red floral curtains among other red decorative accent pieces in the tiny room. Nothing ever changed in that room, the desk always had the same picture frames, the same typewriter etc, but the most interesting thing on that desk in the red room was a small ceramic statue of Cupid holding a big red heart.

We called him the Caveman though, because as children we didn’t really have a grasp of what a cupid should look like. That cupid looked like a caveman. As we were all cleaning out Honeys’ house that Labor Day weekend, we found ourselves crowding into the Red Room to get one last look at the infamous caveman; still on the desk, still holding that heart.

If you knew Honey, you knew she had a wicked sense of humor. That innocent looking Cupid on the desk in the room that all of us slept in at one time or another, had a secret but we all knew what he was hiding. We couldn’t look at that little statue without cracking a smile because he was to all of us, our first glimpse of a penis. You thought this was going to be a sad story didn’t you? Under that heart he had been holding so enthusiastically all these years was a very large boner! I remember accidentally knocking the heart off its perch once when I was a child and staring at that thing for hours in bewilderment. I always thought I was the only one who knew his secret, but we all knew. Some of us passed on his secret to cousins or sisters, but none of us had told our parents. My aunt never knew after all these years that the heart was removable; she was very surprised when we all showed her. We discovered Honeys initials on the bottom of the caveman, my grandmother painted it!

When it came time to leave the caveman behind, and even though none of us really wanted to take him home with us, we all secretly wanted him to stay in the family. I volunteered to take him for a year on the condition that someone else would take him after that. And so another tradition was born.

Now every “Estrogen Fest” the caveman is passed on to a new owner, we even have a special little ceremony to commemorate it. There are strict rules that we must abide by and the caveman has to go with its owner to at least two interesting places with photos for proof. I had him for a year and then he was passed on to my sister who had him for a year. Caveman now resides in Mart, TX with my second cousin.

I have the pictures from Estrogen Fest ‘06 up. You can see the infamous caveman, with and without his heart for your enjoyment. It was a blast again, and will continue to be a wonderful tradition. Honey would have loved to see our new tradition; she is still a big part of us.