No thanks

No thanks…June 28, 2005

D tried to call me numerous times last night, according to the log of 20 missed calls still blinking at me from my cell phone. I decided he deserved an explanation at the least and maybe then he will leave me alone. He didnt answer, and I was releived. I know I am a chicken, but a voice mail goodbye is so much easier! I did not want to a) make him feel bad, and b) I definitely did not want to make him mad. Dont poke at the phycho. So I left a short but sweet goodbye. It went something like "hey D, I am glad that we met but I think that I am just not ready for dating like I thought I was. I am still uncomfortable with the whole thing, and until I can feel comfortable, I shouldnt invite someone into my life. You are a great guy, and thanks for everything, but I dont think we should continue seeing eachother. Bye" And with that I felt safe.

A couple of minutes ago I saw a tiny blinking box at the bottom of my screen. I had received a text message. I was slightly scerd when I clicked on it, and was even more scerd when I saw his name at the top of the screen. Oh god. I held my breath as I started to read.

You currently appear invisible to D.
D: I recognized that by the end of Saturday, I had caused you to be uncomfortable. I recognize I am flawed and likely did something or a combination of things you were not pleased with. I have never been good at "dating". I apologize for whatever boundaries I crossed. I commend you on your willingness to take blame and not assign fault. I believe it is a characteristic formed by true love with one of your former boyfriends. I would like you to reconsider... Not dating per say, but rather getting to know me. Will you have "just lunch" with me, say, once a week? I will not ask or contact you again without first receiving an accptable response from you. Thank you for the many smiles!

Needless to say, I will not be responding.

Self Exam

Self Exam…June 27, 2005


I dont know why this sudden realization came to me today, on my drive home from work, but I had an epiphany.
I A M N A I V E
Why does this surprise me? May be it was the tears that came when it hit me that frightened me, I can't put my finger on it. What I do know is that if I don't change something soon, it will ultimately be the downfall of my existence.

How did this happen? Was I overlooking this possibility and passing it off as my will to find the good in people? That isn’t a bad thing. Is it? I want to be able to look at someone and know there is something good there. Always. To be able to accept them for who they are. Those little things that make us human beings, the things you cant see on the outside, the wounds and scar tissue that has built up on the insides of a person...that is what makes us different from each other. I let it get out of control. I have always tried to look past things that people in my life have done directly or indirectly to me. I try and pass them off and let them go almost as quickly as they happened. Is it a form of denial? Even when the person I loved most in this world, when MY EX was able to hurt me again, I argued with my own conscience to try and see the light. The last time he betrayed me, I struggled with it again, even when I knew what he did was wrong, and there was no turning back. I beat my conscience even to this day about that, whether or not I can just forgive him for his actions, but I know ultimately I cannot. I really wanted to forgive him.

For the past couple days I have been re-telling the story of my date from hell on Saturday, to friends and family who ask me about it. Every time I hear myself talk about it, I see more and more signs that point to my naivety. I give second chances. Sometimes I give third and fourth chances, and I realize now that I should have quit after the first. If I had done this in my last relationship, who knows where I would be in my life right now. I know I would have 6 years of my life back that’s for sure.

Recently life has given me a few scars. As it should, "that’s life", as they say and I expected this. What did I learn from all this? I am taking the calluses life has handed me, and I am building a shell. I will use this shell from now on, as a reminder of what not to do. It will protect me, and save what innocence I have left in my heart of hearts. I will however, remain to be drawn to the good in people. But I know now, not to look past the signs that point me in the other direction. You know...The ones that tell me " put your shell on, this is gonna be a bumpy ride."

Just shoot me

Just shoot me…June 26, 2005

Ok...I think I just witnessed a potential serial killer in waiting. Today was our "date". I went to lunch with him yesterday and it was fine, he acted normal. Like a normal person. I dont know what alien being invaded his body between yesterday and this afternoon, but he wasnt the guy I thought he was. Go grab a beverage, and go to the potty, this is gonna be a long one....

Firstly: he went to that birthday party last night after work and told me he would call me, get this, "before 1AM" WTF? Like I am going to just sit at home and wait for your phone call untill 1am? THEN he didnt call. I shouldnt have even answered the phone this morning when he called to plan our date today. But I did. Stupid girl! I will never learn. So he called and we chatted, he sounds like a normal person again on the phone (except he is one of those people who doesnt make any noise when he laughs so its odd on the phone when there is a silence and Im laughing.) So he tells me he will be over to get me in an hour. Fine, I jump into the shower and get ready.

I will admit he is very prompt. He showed up, dad is working int he garage and they chat for a minute. Im mortifyed. As we are walking away dad yells "so 11:00 right?" I giggle, and again Im mortifyed. We get into the car and he asks me where I want to go eat. OK what kind of a date is this? If I knew I was going to make all the friggin decisions I would have asked him on the date. So we pull into a bbq place and we eat. He gets a bread pudding for desert and suddenly starts giggling to himself and when I inquire, he says "that is what I am going to call you from now on... puddin'" and he snickers to himself as if it was the best joke he had ever heard. But it was like the laugh of a 12 year old boy who's voice hasnt changed yet...high pitched and squeaky! I smiled and jokingly said oh no please dont call me puddin' its too cheesy. And he giggled for a bit longer and then stopped. We get into the car after some more conversation that appeeared to be normal, and I ask him what time the movie starts. (We had decided this morning to see Bewitched and he got the show times) He said "I actually dont know, we are just going to wing it." Fine with me, I actually enjoy not going by a schedule.

We got to the mall, bought the tickets and had about 45 minutes to walk and talk before the movie started. We walked and at every shoe store window he made me stop and pick out the ones I liked the most. Then he tells me "I have a sort of, how should I say, fondness for womens shoes" And I guess I looked at him weird, because then he explained it wasnt for himself, he just liked buying shoes for women and looking at their feet in the shoes. OK can you say creepy? I am with a guy with a foot fetish! After about 5 or 6 shoe store critiques, it was time for the movie.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate being the center of attention. When we walked into the theater there was some strange promotion going on for Bewitched and there was a magician there. Not a magic show, a street performer, one of the annoying types who stalks you until you watch one of his tricks. Naturally I passed right by the magician, but D stopped and watched and appeared to enjoy it quite a lot. He reminded me of an autistic boy who had just been shown something sparkly. Then he started motioning for me to come over to him, did I mention there were news cameras there too filming all this? Oh yeah. There were cameras. D stood there like a complete idiot while the magician pulled coins from his ears and tissues from his nose, and all the while he was laughing that creepy open mouthed silent laugh, no noise...just a gasp of air at the end of it. I was pretty much done with the date at that point. I had to get him away from the magician, so when the magician asked D "what do you want to see next?" I butted in and grabbed the front of his shirt and said "well we paid to see Bewitched, thanks though!" and pulled the gaped mouth fool away to the concession stand. He was still in utter awe of the tricks he had witnessed and I was totaly disgusted but I kept telling myself to have fun with it, so I just let it go.

Sat in the theater for a while until the movie started and suddenly D turned into creepy stalker man. He sat there next to me and stared at me with this scary creepy grin, the kind where they just lock onto your eyes and dont blink. Hanibal Lechter came to mind, and I wanted to offer him some fava beans. At one point he actually sniffed my hair. He sat up, put his arm over the back of my chair, leaned in and i could hear a big whiff in my ear. HE SNIFFED MY HAIR! EEEEWWWW! I jerked away reeeally fast and said, "did you really just do that?" and he said yeah, and grinned and said "sorry am i pushing your buttons?" and I said "not totally but just back off a little ok?" and so THEN, the lights went off and I can still see him out of the side of my eyes, and he is still friggin staring at me with his creepy grin. He leaned in, and said "Im sorry I smelled your hair, I just want to touch you" and then he rubbed my cheeks with both of his hands. I took both of his hands and said loudly "look, the creepy factor is just about out of control here, so just dont touch me ok?" he laughed like I was joking! So we sat throught he rest of the movie, at one point he picked up my hand and kissed it, but placed it back where he found it, I was fine with that.

We were done, and left the theater, and he asked me if I liked bowling. I figured it couldnt hurt, maybe he was just trying too hard and he would loosen up. GET THIS. We drove into the parking lot, and he parks, he then reaches over and takes my sunglasses off and procedes to tell me why he doesnt like them on me. Then he reaches around the back of my head, and at this point I am thinking "is this fool thinking he is going to kiss me?" and he doesnt! He is playing with my hair! all the while staring into my eyes and grinning. CREEPY! So I again took his hands out of my hair and put them back onto his lap. He asks "why dont you want me touching you?" So I said "I barely know you, and I dont feel comfortable with your touching me like that yet" He actually looked like I had shot his dog. Then he asks "well what would make you feel like you know me better, what do you want to know about me?" I said, well you havent really told me anything about your past. Then I swear to god I thought he was going to start crying. He had a lump in his throat and kept swallowing air and starting to speak but couldnt, and when he finally did he said "I was married before and..." and at that point I said "this is obviously hard for you so we dont have to talk about it ok?" and he put one finger up and stopped me while he got it together. He told me he had met a girl 3 years ago, they were together for 4 weeks, and got married. The marriage lasted 6 months and then he divorced her. Later he would tell me a story that led me to beleive he didnt trust her anymore because she flirted with his best friend or something. Anyway, I told him it would be alright and that I was glad he told me and that we didnt have to talk about it anymore. Then he cheered up and we went inside.

We decided to play a few games of pool instead, and while we were waiting at the bar for our pool balls, the bartender comes up to me and asks me what I want to drink...D suddenly steps up infront of me, pushes me back and gets in the bartenders face and says "I will ask you for help when I am ready ok?" ok...what the hell was that about? Did he think he was flirting with me or something? I have no friggin idea so I took the balls and walked away. He bought us beer and we played. After a few minutes He suddenly turned back into the normal guy that I liked! we played and talked for about 2 and a half hours. Everything was great. He kept patting my behind, fine with me as long as there is no creepy grin attached to it. He made some jokes that had sexual undertones, fine. Then we decided we should go do something else.

Ok, so back up to when we got the beer, he gave them a credit card to keep a tab. When we went to go check out and pay our tab they ran it on the card without asking him first, and of course he wanted to pay in cash. I am standing there and literally I could feel the heat coming off of him as they handed him the credit card and the receipt. Veins were bulging from his neck and he huffed loudly. It was like slow motion, he immediately lost it. The pupils of his eyes were so big I thought he may pop a blood vessel soon. He looks at the poor kid who ran the card and yells "DID YOU RUN THIS ON MY CARD?" the kid says back "what" D yells again "I ASKED YOU A QUESTION, DID YOU RUN THIS ON MY CARD!" the kid nodds and I am looking up at him like, this is totaly unneccessary behavior, and it could be handled completely differently. He didnt look at me at all. He yells "DID I ASK YOU TO RUN THIS ON MY CREDIT CARD? DID I AUTHORIZE YOU TO USE MY CARD FOR THIS TRANSACTION?" I then say "they can cancel it off."..and before I could finish he looks at me and screams "IT WILL STILL SHOW UP ON MY CARD DOESNT ANYBODY GET IT" Ok so picture Bill Gates on steroids and on a really bad day, yelling at the top of his lungs at a pimply faced kid. I was witnessing D going postal. It was at this point that I needed to get away from this man, and soon. I backed away from him, like you would from a rattlesnake in your path, and I found a seat across the room. He yelled some more at managers and a couple more innocent bystanders until he got someone to actually shake their head up and down and agree with him that, yes it will still show up as a transaction on his card even though it will almost instantly be credited back to his card. Sheesh.

He walks over to me and sits and smiles. Doesnt say a word about it. Like that is completely normal for a person to behave that way in public. I sooooo wanted to get in my car and drive away, leaving him there, but I was trapped. I told him, "ok, I think its time for you to take me home for the night" and he actually says to me "my place or yours" I didnt smile. I said "I can call a cab if you dont want to take me home" he smiled and said "ok, sure lets go" Im feeling releived that I will be in the safety of my home soon and away from this potential serial killer. Come to think of it he does kind of look like Jeoffrey Dahmer.

Speaking of eating, on the way home, he suddenly made a u turn into a restaraunt parking lot. He turns to me after he parks and says "Im hungry, lets go get some desert" and gets out of the car. I dont know what I am supposed to do at this point. Do I sit and wait int he car? Do I call a cab? Or do I sit inside where there are lots of people and feel a little safer with witnesses? I chose the latter. We sat, he talked about his ex wife some more, had some pie. He seemed content. He also seems to think that we are going to have another date because he asked me if I wanted to go to 6 flags over Texas tomorrow. It is in San Antonio! Yeah right buddy! He struck up a conversation with our 17 year old waitress who still had braces, and who also was a Star Wars fan. They talked endlessly and shared nerdy little trivia questions. I was actually releived! Now he can go back and stalk her for all I care. Trekkies. Star Wars nerds! AGH! CREEPY!

Then, he asks me if I want to go to the lake and sit on a rock and talk. NO EFFING WAY BUDDY! I said flat out no, I want to go home. He laughed. He is still thinking all this is so funny. I had my hand in my purse on the trigger of my pepper spray. He then tells me that I am the first person he has dated since his marriage ended. No frigging wonder! He tried to walk me to my door even and I got out and ran in and yelled "thanks for everything!" As soon as I get inside the door and get it locked he calls me, he leaves me this message that says "I am so glad that we ARE DATING, can you call me back and tell me the best way to get to the lake?" I practically threw my phone on my scamper into the kitchen to guzzle a beer as fast as I could drink the memories away of this wasted day. For all I know he went back and picked up the waitress and has her chopped up remains in a plastic bag down by the lake.
Somebody just shoot me.

My Lummox

My Lummox…June 24, 2005

I love my Lummox. We were having a chat just now and he told me a story. This pretty much sums up why I love him so:
i had a marvelous mtb ride last night and i had a really great crash at the end. it was fun. rolling skidding tumbling narrowly missing big rock. scaped knee. but i was laughing to my self as i was skidding to a stop on my shoulder , thinking "that was great"yesh, it was really good.. the ride was good before, but that added to it. it makes me feel alive, not that i like crashing, but to go through the experience, there is something about it. to know that you are pushing hard enogh to find the edge of control. then hold that edge through the crash. wicked awesome

Concerts

Concerts…June 23, 2005

Some how we got into a conversation here about the first concert we ever went to..and then it spawned into a whole conversation about concerts we have been to. Here is my list (in random order of brain firing) , I keep remembering others Ive seen so I may be adding to it:

The Pointer Sisters
El DeBarge
New Kids on the Block
Donny and Marie
The 4 Tops
Jan and Dean
Garth Brooks
Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Stone Temple Pilots
Sha Na Na
Richard Marx
Ringo Starr
Jon Mayer
Maroon 5
The Samples
Garbage
No Doubt x2
The Bloodhound Gang
The Distillers
The Offspring

Fourth impression

Fourth impression…June 22, 2005

Lunch Date was awesome! I got a second date yay! Hes 35, and owns his own business. I guess he reminds me a lot of my best friend, the Lummox. He's a techie guy, knows his stuff, but likes to laugh and joke around. He let me be a goof off and wasnt embarassed to laugh with me, so thats how I knew I could be comfortable with him. I instantly felt comfortable when i got into the car with him and he jokingly said " hi my names D..." and laughed at himself. He sounds quiet and meek when I talked to him on the phone but he opened up a lot. On the ride back, he said "I dont know if you have the same feeling, but I think I'd like to see you again" and I smiled and said yeah, me too. So we are doing something again this weekend. Yay! When I came back in I realised my cheeks were red, I was frigging blushing the whole time Im sure! Ugh, what I wouldnt give to have a different complexion. So, yay for Jenni...i finally got a second date!

Finally caught up

Finally caught up…June 22, 2005

Whew! What a week already! We finally have everyone here, no one is out sick, and we all got caught up on a weeks worth of paperwork in two days! I was so exhausted yesterday when I went home, I had a drink, had something to eat and just went to bed!
Today is the lunch date. Ill let you know how it went when I get back. He seems really nice.
First Impression= met in person, he seems kinda shy and nice
Second Impression= over the phone, seemed quiet
Third Impression= over the phone, seems nice, a lot more talkative today
I hope I am not a complete dork. I already am making him come pick me up because I get lost everywhere I go here. (Well, they have 3 names for every road here!) Hopefully we will talk about a lot of things. Im glad I only have an hour, that is my safety. I have somewhere to go, and only an hour to play "lets get to know you". So we shall see. Maybe Im making a bigger deal about this than it really is. Who knows!
I think I am already getting it inot my head that I dont like him, onoy because he is nice. He is nice. I am so used to being with Rob who is tenacious, talkative, loud and boistrous...and didnt really treat me the nicest sometimes, that after 6 years thats what Im looking for in a man again? I know Im crazy, just let someone actually be nice to me and treat me like a grown up. I will try and let my guard down, but if he is nicey-nice my prediction is that I wont see him again. Sad but true. Ill update in a couple hours!

Catch up

Catch up…June 20, 2005

Remember the picture of my desk on Friday? Its ALL still here!!!! ARG. GAH. UGH.
So I have a lot to say but not enough time so I wont elaborate a lot anyway.
Dad bought himself a new computer, so since he has been setting it up at home, I wasnt able to get on the internet all weekend, nor was I able to scan in my pics of Italy...so that project is now on hold.
Fathers day weekend was good, for part of the day. The good part- mom and I got up early to cook breakfast for dad and Gramps who came over for the night. The funny part- breakfast was ready and all mom had to do was put the bisquits in a basket and pour the gravy into the bowl, both of witch were right next to her...she poured the gravy into the basket. Needless to say we had to make another quick batch of gravy while I sifted the rest of the gravy through the bread basket! It was really funny at the time. We ate breakfast and cleaned up. Dad and gramps opened their presents and cards and dad hung out his NASCAR flag and went upstairs to watch the race on the big screen TV. Bad part- Mom and I were in her bedroom watching Father of the Bride (original with Elizabethe Taylor) when dad came in and told us that Big Daddy's neighbors had just called to tell him they went over to his house when they didnt see his garage door open by mid afternoon. He had fallen the night before and couldnt get up all night and his medical alert necklace had run out of batteries, so luckily his neighbors are watching out for him! They put him into bed and came back with some lunch for him, but he had gotten up and again, fell and couldnt get back up. So my poor dad had to go stay with him again for the night. BIg Daddy has more doctors appointments today. I felt sorry for my dad because he thinks he has done a bad thing by putting a pacemaker into his dad. He thinks hes prolonging his life, and thinks it may have been the wrong choice because of all the recent health problems hes been having. He refuses to come live with us, refuses to sell the house, refuses to go stay in a care facility, so I think Dad will have to make some choices soon. Poor dad, but I guess it is his father, and he needs him.
On a happier note...earlier this weekend my dad was a hero in our eyes. We have a bird house for the martins that migrate here every year. They nest, have babies and migrate back to mexico every year. If anyone knows about these bird houses, they are big houses, up on a 15 foot pole, and they will hold about 12 families of birds to nest. We had about 8 pairs come this year and only 3 pair had babies hatch. Long story short, one of the babies fell out of the house and waddled up to our porch, dad ran and got the ladder and gloves and put him right back into the little house. YAY!
Well, I'm off to deal with the huge pile of paperwork looming on my desk. wish me luck!

Top 5 life moments

Top 5 life moments…June 15, 2005

For some reason, the only two morning shows I listen to regularly here in Austin (Kiss 95.7 and Jammin 105.9) are both simultaneously talking about their lists of bests in their lives. I decided Id make a list of my own! But for some reason I cant think of even 5! Isn’t that sad? I haven’t really thought long and hard about it...but a lot of them have to do with my Ex and I really don’t want to even include him in great moments in my life anymore because...well there is no need to explain...hes my EX.
So here is my top ten list as of today, at this point in my life.

Top 5 Jenni Moments
Seeing the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican
Traveling Italy for 10 days
The day my sister got engaged
Leaving Denver
Going off on my own to college in Flagstaff, AZ

Top 5 Jenni Wishes
Get married, stay married
Have children
Buy a house
Go to my children's weddings
Have grandchildren

That isn’t so bad to wish for is it? Those are the things I live for, those are the things I will die for. Those are the things I have always wanted. I wont be bitter if none of them happen, it is something to live for.
Maybe later I will add pictures. I know! Adding another photo gallery of my trip to Italy will definitely cheer me up! Look for it this weekend!

Make my day

Make my day…June 14, 2005

OMG I just got asked out!
It was the strangest thing too because I had been chatting with hellvUUr and I had just told him a few minutes earlier that I had given up on men for a while...and then someone comes to the front door at work! I had it locked because Im the only one here, so I opened it for him and he was dropping off a payment. We talked for a bit and then he started to say "can I ask you something...nah nevermind" and started to say bye...but I asked him what? and then he said "well since everyone left you alone today do you want to go have some lunch?" and I turned into the biggest geek in the world. I grinned really big and Im sure I turned bright red and said "Oh I just ate but thank you so much for asking!" and i was beaming...were there little cartoon hearts popping out of my head? I am a DORK! Why today? I'll bet it was the vomit breath and the red bloodshot eyes! Add that to what Im wearing (torn jeans and flip flops) and you have one hot chick! OMG, Im so embarassed. Any other day I would have gone...I sent him an email thanking him again, he really did make my day. (maybe he will write back and reschedule) Just when you stop looking...

Sucky Tuesday

Sucky Tuesday…June 14, 2005

Why do I do these things to myself? I drank too much last night again. I am so sick today because of it. Luckily there is no one here to witness my pathetic little show. Ive been back and forth to the bathroom 3 times already and I just want to die. This is probably the worst feeling in the world. I am looking forward to crawling back into bed as soon as I get home today for a nap. I dont understand why I cant just stop after one drink. Why do I continue to drink until I can barely walk? I am going to start over again today, with the not drinking on week nights rule. It is torture to get up at 6am when Im still drunk from the night before and try to function at work all day. Im not sure it is even worthy of the word function, its more like trying reeeeeally hard to stay awake and act like Im functioning. bleh...back to the bathroom.

Buried Treasure

Buried Treasure…June 11, 2005

I am having the most fun today! Last night I went into the guest bedroom my mom has set up as "the girls room". She has some of our old dolls and stuffed animals in there, and has kept a lot of things from our childhood. I decided to go through some of our old story books, and went through the closet. I remembered when I was 8, my dad had given me a pair of pearl earrings because I had just gotten my ears peirced. Well I lost them somewhere in the midst of the doll clothes I was playing with. My mom was so angry with me that to this day that it is still engrained in my brain and I still have guilt for losing them. So today I decided to go on a quest for the pearl earrings. I got down the Barbie suitcase full of our old Barbie's and their clothes. I pulled out a shoe box that I found full of my old Strawberry Shortcake dolls and their clothes and by that time I was so excited by memories of these things I couldnt stop digging! By now the thought of finding those earrings was long gone and I was on a mission back to my childhood. It was amazing the things I found! Besides the Barbie trunk and Strawberry Shortcake doll box full of clothes and dolls, I found my old Cabbage Patch doll! She is an original, and I remember waiting in line for 2 hours at the toy store in 1983 just so I could pick her out myself! And, of course, she had to have red hair too! I even have the diaper bag full of clothes for her.

I found most of my collections, unicorns was a big one, I had a doll collection of dolls from around the world, I had a collection of coins and paper money from around the world, my rock collection was a huge deal, and one of the big ones was Stickers! I found three of my sticker books full of them.


And in the back of one of my sticker albums I found my napkin collection! Apparently I saved a napkin from every party I went to. Here is the funniest one from 1981:

I found the diaries I wrote in starting in 6th grade! These are truly hilarious to read now. One of them I had written in pencil when I was really little and apparently erased all the entries and started over when I was a bit older. The things I used to worry about back then...

There is one entry I thought was hillarious from 1988:

and then my very first kiss!

Yes, I wrote every day in a different colored pen...didnt you? I found a huge bulging folder full of every note anyone had passed to me in class from 1985 until I graduated high school, that was so fun to go back through and read. I had a shoe box full of letters and cards from my friends from when I went away to AZ for college. But my most favorite find was the collection of Garbage Pail Kids sticker-cards I found in a box of stuff. I have about 31 of them starting with the series 4 cards from 1986 #125b through #277a and they are so funny to look through. Here is my most fav:

Well, I think I am done with my little treasure hunt for the day. Sans a pair of pearl earrings, I think they are lost forever. Hmm...I wonder what is in that box over there?.....

Oh happy day

Oh happy day…June 9, 2005

Did you know that June 9th is Profess Your Love Day? There is a day for everything.
Hmmmm I wonder who Id profess my love to? Geeee....I wonderrrrrr....
Sadly, we all know who "he" is, even though I do not want to love him anymore...it is still there in my heart. I guess you cant choose who you fall in love with, it just happens. I guess Im stuck with him in that spot in my heart forever. It doesnt make me sad, it just makes me wonder if there is anyone else out there who CAN fill that space, and evict him. Who knows, maybe there is room enough for me to love someone new, while at the same time keeping that spot in my heart open for him to live in. Ugh....
Today I deem thee:
June 9th...Profess your love to he who shalt not be named and dont expect anything in return for the rest of your life day.
Yay.

By George

By George!…June 8, 2005

Ok, so this happened to me a couple of years ago, but it is way too funny to pass by.
A couple years ago I was watching Dateline NBC about a weight loss challenge they were following with 4 diet gurus. One of them they mentioned was Jorge Cruise. I had never heard the name but when they flashed his face I instantly knew, it was George Maurer! But why were they calling him Jorge (hor-hay)? And his last name wasnt the same? I watched intently until they showed him again...yep it was him! I did the obligatory yelling at the tv and pointing at him yelling "hey I know you!" as I stood up on the couch. So I went to high school in a very small town in Southern California with this guy named George Maurer. When I was a freshman he was a senior and sooo cute, it was 1989. He was senior class president, and his sister Marta was my age and in my classes. So the story goes, I made friends with Marta, and she set me up with her brother so we could go to the Winter Ball together. I dont rememer but I think I even asked him to go with me over the phone one night. I was 15! Seems so silly now, but he was like a greek god to me back then. So we went to the dance, got all the pictures taken, at three different houses (mine, his, and our friends) and then after the dance he brought me home and we never really talked much except for saying hi in the school halls. But I went to Winter Ball with George Maurer and he was a senior! That was a big deal.




Ok so flash foreward 14 years and I see him on TV! What? Apparently he is a diet guru and has written 3 or 4 books on different ways to loose weight. He had been on TV all sorts of places, on Oprah, on Dateline, on Good morning America...and all of a sudden I couldnt go anywhere without seeing his face! In the magazine racks...In the book isles, on TV...UGH! So finally I went to his website http//:www.jorgecruise.com and read about him...yup it was him, except I dont remember him ever being fat, as he claims he once was. I wonder why he wanted to be called "Horhey" instead? Very strange indeed. He also has a blog on AOL at their journal site where he mentions his sister Marta so thats what lets me know it really is him. Ill include pictures below, of the Winter Ball when I was 15 and had bad teeth, and 80's bangs. Oh and yes, he has a wandering eye...Enjoy!

Bruises

Bruises…June 6, 2005

I have bruises, not only on the outside, I have them, once again on my insides.
I waited until today to write about it because I didnt want my sister to find out what I was upset about. This weekend we took my grandfather out to dinner. He hasnt seen my sister for a while so we thought it would be nice, it was just the 4 of us-mom, gramps, Sarah and I. The second my sister got up and left the table to find the bathroom, my grandfather said to my mother "She got big. I never thought she would get bigger than Jenni is" RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE I WASNT LISTENING!! No friggin wonder we have eating disorders. For some ungodly reason, the men in our family have this uncontrollable urge to talk about our weight. When I say our-I mean my sister and I. This pretty much always happens at the dinner table in front of everyone in the family, and it is always crushing to our self esteems. If it isnt about me its normally about my sister. I can say that I have pretty much gained the most weight out of both of us, but mine came on gradually, hers has fluctuated between anorexia skinny and the way she is now which is not fat by any means, but she has gained a few pounds and now I think we are the same size. And even when she was at her skinniest there were still comments. I remember my grandfather saying she looked like a 12 year old boy and that she lost all her baby fat finally. Then when we both gained a few and were home for Christmas they said to us both, out of the blue with no prompting, "You look fine with a little extra meat on your bones". This last Christmas my own father told me that I look so much better since Ive lost a few pounds, at Christmas dinner as Im stuffing my face...which made me feel self concious and so I threw up after dinner. And on Saturday night after gramps said it again about both of us in one breath, I just couldnt control myself and I started to cry at the table. So when my sister came back from the bathroom I had my menu in front of my face trying to get myself composed so she wouldnt ask. Since gramps was paying I ordered Sarah and I a glass of wine and we ate like healthy people. Healthy and smiling on the outside. Bruised on the inside. I purged as soon as we got home, I dont know if my sister does that anymore, but I know it was on her mind. It just amazes me that these men think they have the right to hurt our feelings just because they think they know better. Last night I had the urge to ask my mom what they say about me when i get up from the table, when Im not around what comments have I gotten about my wieght fluctuation? But I stopped myself, I think I have enough bruises.

***June 10th Update***
I talked to my mom and explained to her that it upset me that she did not stand up for my sister when Gramps said what he did. She explained that she has dealt with his comments all her life, he used to call her Fatty Patty because her sister was so tiny (and still is). But, I explained that she is enabeling him by ignoring his comments and the next time he sais anything remotely demeaning to my sister or to me, I am going to scream at him. She agreed with me that it wasnt right, but said he wouldnt change and that it would do no good. Shes probably right, so I may just stop going anywhere with him. Sad.

Im too old for this

Im too old for this…June 5, 2005

I have to add one more thing today before I am through. A story that happened to me yesterday:
After work I stopped by the gas station to buy some beer for the weekend. I get to the counter, I am wearing my Lowe's cap, and have my hair in a ponytail. I dont have to dress nicely for work, so I generally dress very casually in jeans as I did yesterday. Im standing at the counter and the woman behind the register looks at me with complete disbelief and says to me "no way I am selling to you" Im confused and I ask why? She says "got ID" like Im some little kid! So I dig and of course I cant find it...I tell her "I am really 31" as my face is getting redder and redder...I tell the people behind me to go ahead while I try and find my drivers licence. After they are done, she is still standing there and huffung through her teeth at me like Im trying to pull one over on her, and I tell her again "I really am 31!" she says "whatever, without and ID you arent leaving with that beer" and I finally find my licence! I hand it to her and Im kinda mad at that point because all that was so unneccessary. She even says "oh yeah, its out of state too!" -I do still have my Colorado ID- she then runs it through the card reader and the big flashing lights come up *1974* and she laughs! Im still red in the face and she is now laughing at me with her raspy smokers breath, "wow I guess you really are 31! you look like you are 19!" and then calls one of the other girls over who looks at me and says the same thing. By this point Im like pissed and I just want my friggin beer! She rings me up and I pay and Im out of there. And on the way home I calm down, until I am cut off by a motorcycle and the beer flys off my seat onto the floor and two bottles explode on my cars floormat. It just wasnt my day to buy beer.

Bridal Extravaganzaaaaaa

Bridal Extravaganza…June 5, 2005

Well the Bridal Extravaganza was lovely. It was just basically a bunch of booths with vendors, florists, cake makers, tuxedo rentals etc...so my sister got a ton of ideas to take back with her. It seemed like everyone had either a brochure or a business card so we gathered one from everything that caught our eye. A lot of the booths gave away tote bags filled with their own particular advertising and goodies. Sarah ended up with about 5 bags full of stuff. I took a bunch of pictures for ideas, and some just for me in case I EVER get married. There was a fashion show, and random DJs were playing sample playlists. Tons of cute men, but 90% of them were the fiance's of the women there. The only single guys were there either there selling something, in the fashion show, or friends of the grooms to be. Of course I did my thing: accidentally bumping into them and then touching their bicepts and saying "oh Im so sorry! I wasnt watching where I was going" that way you can molest their arm and get eye contact! YAY!
Sarah got a lot of ideas for her honeymoon, or a destination wedding (new idea she and mom came up with this weekend=go to Tahiti for the wedding) That would be an even better idea in my eyes, that way everyone has to travel, instead of making only one side of the family have to. She may even want to go to Colorado in the snow, which scares me a little bit. I dont know why, but now Colorado is tainted because of the memories I have with Rob. I guess I feel like I left all my memories there and I dont want to turn back. There are a ton of really beutiful places there that she could choose from though. I think I may try and persuade her in that direction, only because I have no idea what Michigan looks like in the winter. For some reason when I think of Detroit, I think dirty, slushy wet snow...dirty mainly. Im sure its not all bad, but I have preconceived notions.
Message to my future fiance: WE ARE ELOPING.
If my mother thinks she can have this much control over my sisters wedding, there is no way I am going to be able to get through my own without killing my mother first. Today she drove me crazy with her plans for my sister, and my sister just took it all day! She gives in way too easy and my mom is way too controlling. I tried to block it all out by taking pictures, and signing my sister up for free things and drawings. She is getting very annoying the older I get. Oh well...thats the way things go I guess. I now remember the way it was before I ever moved out, when I was 18 and going off to school I could not wait to get out of there because of my mother. Now I remember!!!

bridesmaidzilla

June 2, 2005

Well, we have made it through most of the week so far...holiday weekends always catch up to me. I have, however, been able to catch up to where Im almost ahead of the game this week as far as paperwork goes. tells you how much I usually goof off at work huh?
Lets see, what do I have to look foreward to in the next few days? hmmmmmm
My sister is coming back on Friday night, sans her fiance again. Apparently he had to fly to Michigan for a funeral, sad. Sister is coming for...drumroll please...THE BRIDAL EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAAAA! yay Im about as excited for that as I was for my last gyno exam. I was reading about it on the internet site and apparently there will be a "man Corner" with sofas and big screen tv's so maybe I shall hang out there if I get overly annoyed by annoying happy engaged people. Hopefully somewhere there will be alcohol served.
In case you are wondering, YES I AM BITTER! I am the oldest child, therefore I get married first! Too bad my stupid ex didnt want to get married! GRRRR! Ok, ok, anger and bitterness subsiding, right back to where I was...jealousy ahhhh. I am better now.
Something I really will look foreward to is Friday. I will be the only one here in the office so I can listen to whatever music I want to, as loud as I want to, and goof off as much as I possibly can, YAY!
*Observation* mac and cheese tastes better the next day, and Coke with Lime goes flat really fast. The Diet version doesnt do that, maybe its a sign. Actually today I was able to put on a shirt I havent worn in a while and I didnt look at myself in the mirror with disgust like I usually do! Ive lost a little weight from around my ribcage apparently and I dont have that roll I used to have. Yay! I havent really done anything differently other than adding a few meals actually, so now I have something for breakfast, a snack, something for lunch, a snack, and something for dinner, but no desert. still low carb stuff (I know mac and cheese isnt low carb) I guess its supposed to boost your metabolism if you have 5-6 small meals a day instead of starving yourself on skipping breakfast and eating two meals a day. Anyway, the shirt fits better again, so it will now go into the "I can comfortably wear this" section of my closet.
Im still bummed that the Oasis burned down. Since Sarah is coming we will have to find another place to sit outside and drink and watch the lake. Bummer dude!
Once again, I just wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful comments! It really makes me feel good to know that there are such nice people out there, and your comments make me feel like I really am a normal person! Thanks again! Happy Blogging!
mmmmmmwwwaaaah

Remember the time

Remember the time…June 1, 2005



Ok, I was totaly thinking about this last night when the E! channel began its daily re-inactment of the Michael Jackson trial. What the heck happened to him? He used to be so great! Remember? The red leather jacket, the white glitter glove, the white socks and high water pants. He was the greatest dancer I had ever seen when I was little. Remember the moonwalk? It was magic! I still remember when Thriller first came out, I was in 4th grade and it was 1984. Our class actually took a feild trip to another school that had cable TV so that we could all watch the premier of the video on MTV. He was an icon! I guess to some he still is, if you are a person who can overlook his recent troubles. I still love his music, I will still remember him the way I used to remember him. Somewhere along the line, Michael Jackson as we knew him was abducted by aliens and in his place we were left with a completely different man. I will continue to cherish my Thriller record album until I die, and if I can keep blacking out his strange quirks and damaging gossip, I will still think of him as he was-a musical Icon.
Remember the time - Michael Jackson Trial - MSNBC.com

A bad night

A bad night…June 1, 2005

Well about 10 last night BIg Daddy's neighbor called and told us he was in the emergency room. (Big Daddy is my grandpa) He is diabetic and I think he must have had an imbalance of some sort, passed out on his way out the door to get his mail, threw up and luckily his neighbor was there for him to call an ambulance. So hes been in the hospital all night and poor dad had to get up this morning and take off again. Big Daddy will be ok, he just needs to eat better. Hopefully dad will go grocery shopping for him while hes there.
Last night we had the biggest storm! The electricity went out a few times, off an on until I left for work this morning. You know I love storms, but I love sleep more and i didnt get any last night! It started about 3am and is still raining. I drove dad to pick up his truck this morning and we noticed a plume of smoke coming from over the hill from us. And I just found out it is the Oasis!!!! The whole thing is on fire!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sad, it is not only my favorite place to go, but its an Austin landmark! They are saying it was hit by lightning, and that it is almost completely destroyed. Ugh. horrible. Now I have to find another hang out.
***June 10th Update***
Big Daddy was in the hospital until today because they had to take out his gall bladder and kept him until he was well enough to get up and around on his own. Dad has been there ever since, trying to help him get his strength back. We think he will be fine. Dad has ordered a daily nurse and meal service to his house because he lives too far for us to drive every day. Hes way to independant to want to come live with us.