They shoot single people don't they?

5/31/2006
They shoot single people don't they?

I don’t blame them...whoever “they” are.

The two days after Lummox and I broke up seemed endless. And if you know me you know that if I have too much time to sit and think, you know I could probably be categorized as a crazy person. And actually I got out most of my misery in the first 24 hours of doing that stupid girl- waiting by the phone thing- driving myself crazy and creating my own drama in my head. By the end of the second day I had come to terms with my mortality. I would die single.

I sat down on Sunday morning and within three hours I had created my entire future existence. I went somewhere into a zone, in those three hours, and had my whole life planned out as a single girl, stuck in Texas forever. I thought, well, if I can’t make it work with Lummox it definitely won’t work with anyone else...I’m screwed. I began to plan out how I would have a child on my own, and how other women have done it in the past. Would I need to freeze my eggs soon? Where do you buy sperm? It all began to flash before my eyes. I was stuck in Texas forever, alone and pregnant. I figured it would get better when the baby was born, but how could I ever afford a baby? I would have to go back to school before anything else, and get a higher paying job. That could take years. Then I thought, I should probably move closer to my parents, wherever they end up because they would want to have a part in the baby’s life too. Gosh, my whole life changed so much just because I broke up with Lummox. Suddenly I became a single mother who would never marry? Where did my happy ending go?

To make it worse, Newsweek came out with their June 5, 2006 issue on MSN.

Inside, the article tells us that the new averages for a woman to marry are much more optimistic but they have the median set at age 25 for women to marry. So now, I’m dwelling over my odds of getting married at my age and after, and you take into account that I had my future husband right at my fingertips and I lost that at 32 years old? I was doomed.

Break up rule #1 don’t let yourself sit for too long, because the more time you have to think, the worse you will feel about your life. And so it was then that I decided shopping would be a great idea.

Half a paycheck and 48 hours later, Lummox and I had decided to get back together. Thank god. And suddenly my whole life flashed before my eyes, the good version of my life, the one that doesn’t include sperm donors, and I returned to normal...whatever normal is. I’m so glad too; the thought of being without a man for the rest of my life was starting to scare me. Not to mention being without Lummox. And that is not a life I would want to live.

-Jenni

Pretty in Pink

5/29/2006
Pretty in Pink

Breakup Rule#3: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores.

Yesterday, while mulling over the possibility that I could be alone forever, I decided there was only one thing to do. Go Shopping. Now if I were Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City, I would spend hundreds on a pair of Manolo-Blahnik shoes in some putridly lovely shade of pink. But instead I decided to go buy a little Sex and the City of my own. Actually I didn’t just get a little I got a lot. I bought the entire series of Sex and the City. It came in a putridly lovely shade of pink, and it fit me perfectly.

I got home as soon as I could, put on my fat pants and sat down to unwrap it. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Covered in crushed fuchsia velvet and satin, with its own beautiful hard plastic cover; it looks like a pretty little piece of hard candy- good enough to eat. Inside are all six seasons, that’s 20 discs in all, with episode guides and gorgeous pictures of my four favorite girls from Manhattan. Who better to spend a Sunday afternoon with when you are feeling down?

I finally got to watch the entire first season yesterday, while stuffing my face with junk food in my pajamas. It was so nice to be able to relate to the stories, and to know that I am not the only messed up freak of a girl running around unmarried in my thirties feeling sorry for myself. And let me tell you, it was the best money I have spent in a long time. Thanks Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha. You made my life seem a lot less upsetting. Compared to them, I’m pretty normal…in a sociopath with no life sort of way.
-Jenni

A clean slate

A clean slate

Once again, I am starting over.
It seems to be a theme right now in my life, starting over. It is amazing how much can happen in the period of a week. My blog ended, my relationship came to an end, and it seemed like all stability in my life went out the window. But in the matter of a few hours this afternoon all that was restored.

Yes, Lummox and I broke up for a couple of days. It gave us a chance to gain perspective of what we really wanted from this relationship. Today, after a few hours of talking, we have decided to make it work. We called the discussion a board meeting. The meeting was to discuss the state of repair that was needed to save our relationship. I even took notes on points that needed work. We will work through it. I have faith in that.

I have decided to keep the blog open to anyone who wants to read, and comment...including Lummox. It was wrong of me to think that by keeping the journal private from him, that it would solve a lot of problems. Obviously it only caused more. So, the journal is open again...its just in a new place where not so many people have access anymore, namely relatives and friends. It's out of the "whats your story" spotlight too, and I think I like it better that way.

So bear with me, hope you don't think that I'm flighty and can't make up my mind...I'm just doing the best that I can with what I've got. It will all work out in the end.
-Jenni

Parting is such sweet sorrow

May 21
Parting is such sweet sorrow

Dear Diary,
The inevitable day is upon me. I knew it was coming; the thought has been there for a long time. Its so hard to make someone understand why your journal is on the internet, not for the purpose of thousands of random web surfers to read, but for the sole purpose of journaling your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I can’t verbalize my emotions out loud. Most times if I sit down and get into the moment and with no other distractions, I am able to get those emotions out on paper. Most people who are close to me believe that by putting those emotions out for the rest of the world to see, that I am shutting them out in some way, because I didn’t share it with them first. To me it isn’t about sharing my journal with the world, most times when I write; the fact that thousands of people may be reading isn’t even a factor in my reasoning. To the people in my life however, that fact looms heavy.

I have been self-editing a lot lately, mainly since mid-November when MSN and What’s Your Story decided to include me in their weekly series. I was so excited about the fact that my little blog was being recognized, that I didn’t think through the consequences of inviting the people I know to read. While it is a great honor to be featured by MSN, it is a double-edged sword. You want to share your excitement with family and friends, but you also want to keep your privacy from them. In my case, I didn’t stop to think.

Feelings were hurt and misunderstandings have taken place since then, and that wasn’t my intention at all. Sometimes you just have to keep things to yourself, when it comes to relationships, family or otherwise. You have to be very careful what you say because those are the people you cant afford to lose. I thought if I stopped self-editing in my writing, that I would feel better. But that has caused too many wounded emotions, offended feelings, and misinterpretations for me to continue writing here.

Going private will solve a lot of problems, hopefully, and make life a lot easier on my end. Having to explain myself all the time was getting exhausting and it shouldn’t be that way. Journaling is supposed to be therapeutic, not stressful and cause anxiety. Gosh…sooo much drama.

And so dear diary, our time here has come to an end. It has been lovely, and I am going to leave you right here. I hope that anyone who picks you up and reads you will understand why I have decided to abandon you. I will check in from time to time, and I will add lists and fun things, but I cannot continue to write entries here, for the sake of my personal life.

To my loyal readers: Thank you for so much laughter, and so many great new friendships. You have offered me so much great advice, and support. More than anyone could ask for. I appreciate your loyalty and encouragement.
Ce la vie. I'm off to walk Cody into the sunset.

Love always,
Jenni

So far down

May 19
So far down

mel•an•chol•y
n : a feeling of thoughtful sadness
Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom

Have you ever just felt like crawling under a rock somewhere, or hiding in a dark cave, just to get away from the world? One of those days that just seems like it will never end, from the second you opened your eyes in the morning; those days that you wish you had never gotten out of bed for. The day that you just want to be alone, not talk to anyone, and not have to answer to a soul; to just be emotionless.

Sometimes it feels like the world is against you. It seems like nothing and no one can make it feel better for you. Not even the most important people in your life can say anything that will make you feel like a normal person. It would be better to hide away from the outside world, than to pretend like you feel happy…no, wait… it isn’t unhappiness; its something deeper thats been drained from your soul and you can't put your finger on it.

It’s the sort of dark gloom that can drag you under if you aren’t careful. If you allow yourself to stay in bed it will take hold. The sound of your own heartbeat is a disappointing sound when you awake wishing you had stopped breathing in the middle of the night. You find yourself cursing at the sun, the brightness in your eyes, the heat on your skin hoping for the clouds to roll in. It’s a sort of heaviness in your being that you can’t contain without becoming exhausted the second you try to pretend its not there. It feels as if something larger than life has hit you at full speed and has flattened you out.

The pretending becomes begrudging and you begin to become angrier and angrier at everything that is keeping you from just letting the darkness take over. You do everything in your used-up being to try and find a place alone, away from everything and everyone, so that you can just be. A place where no one can hear you pray to god that you don’t have to go through another day like this one, for fear someone might pick up on your façade. Because god forbid you have a day like that when everyone else in the world is acting like a normal person.

This kind of gloom possesses you like an infuriated spirit weighing down on the essence of who you are. A day you hoped the sun would stay buried so that you wouldn’t have to face it. What is worse than forcing a smile on a day you wished you had never opened your eyes… I haven’t experienced anything more awful.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. me

Chasing Cars

May 17
Chasing Cars

“Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive.
...Family, Love, Sex...
But we only need one thing to actually be alive,
We need a beating heart.
When our heart is threatened we respond in one of two ways.
We either run or we attack.
There is a specific term for this;
Fight or flight.
Its instinct, we can’t control it.
Or can we?”
-from Grey's Anatomy season 2 finale

Can you believe Denny died? I can’t believe Denny died! Poor Izzy, and after she let herself finally be happy and say yes to his proposal. I haven’t cried that much over a television show since Dr Green died on ER a few years ago. I am so neurotic about the show that I watched it, and taped it, and then watched it again last night to write down the narration. I thought the scene where they were all getting interrogated was pretty neat. Each one of them said something that perfectly summed up who they are, their personalities showing through. I specifically loved what George said:

“I can’t tell you what you want to hear. Which seems to be a theme in my life right now. Just cause you cant say something doesn’t mean you don’t want to, you can want to very much. You can be with a person and be happy with them and not love them. You can love someone and not be with them. You don’t need to love someone to want them, but that’s frustrating. You know when your brain tells you what you want and what you actually want don’t match up, its exhausting and well, complicated. But that’s life. And life...sucks.”

I also can not believe that Meredith left Finn on the dance floor and had sex with McDreamy again! He is just going to do the same thing to her all over again, what is she thinking? Mark my words- those black lace panties she couldn’t find will make a return next season. Ill bet Addison finds them in McDreamy’s pocket and leaves him. I like Addison, she deserves better.

Sarah called me a couple times during the commercials to talk about what had happened on the show. Then for the rest of the show we text messaged eachother on our phones.

"I hope Denny doesnt die"

"omg"

"NOooo"

"OMG"

"Oh no!"

"O M G!!"

"I cant stop crying"

My predictions for next season (which is switching to Thursday nights mind you) Meredith is left with McDreamy or Finn, and I think she will walk away from them both. I think McDreamy will leave Addison or vice versa. I think Izzy and Alex get back together, has anyone else noticed how much he has changed? I think Christina will break down some of her walls and stop being so stoic with Burke. Bailey, well she will still be a bulldog, but we all love her.

One thing I can always count on when watching Grey’s Anatomy, is the awesome music. At the end of the season finale I heard Snow Patrol singing. I’m a huge fan of Snow Patrol and I don’t think they get enough credit. If you get a chance- go get one of their albums, you won’t be disappointed.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

To the Doggie Fairy

May 16
To the Doggie Fairy

Thank you to whoever left the dog food.
This morning as I was leaving my house for work, I noticed something on my front porch. Now, I don't normally leave my house through my front door, I leave through my garage, so when notes and things are left on my porch it takes me a little while to notice. This morning there was an entire bag of dog food on my porch- unopened and new! Thank you dog food fairy.

Please dont take this as an insult, dog food fairy, but I don't think I will use the dog food you left for me. Lately in Austin there have been horrible people going around and poisoning dogs in the area. I watched in horror as a woman on the news last night cried her eyes out after losing her three dogs to anti- freeze poisoning. And the sacry part was, it happened right in her back yard. I am sorry dog food fairy but I just cant afford to trust that the food is safe to feed my dog. I love him too much to put him in danger like that.

It may have been just a nice gesture, and I my be completely wrong about the whole thing, but that is not a gamble I want to take with the animal I love most in this world. I hate to be this untrusting and cynical, but I have to be safe. There are terrible people in this world, and I have to protect myself and my dog. My dog is my baby, he is like a child to me, and if anything were to happen to him I just couldnt forgive myself. So thank you again, dog food fairy, but I'm going to pass this time.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni and cody

A very Mommy weekend

May 15
A very Mommy weekend

Happy belated Mothers day!

Mom and I had a wonderful weekend, relaxing and just spending time together. She came to stay with Cody and me for the weekend. I got home from work on Friday and she was there playing with Cody in the back yard. She spoils him so he loves it when she visits. She brought me the most amazing sunflower from her yard! She spoils me too.

We didn’t do much of anything but relax, but there were some outings too. On Saturday we had to shop for a new TV. Seems that mom accidentally fried my TV when she was watering the plant that I had above it. I just laughed when she told me the story. She waited until I had a couple of drinks in me to tell me: sneaky- that one.

“I did a bad thing,” she told me.

“What did you do?”

“I think I broke your TV today”

“What?” I laughed

“Well I was watching Oprah today, and was a little bored so I decided to water your plants for you. The one on the TV was so dry the water just came pouring right out the bottom of the planter!”

I just laughed as I listened

“I started to hear a hissing noise and I panicked and unplugged it as fast as I could, it was awful, its not funny Jenni”

“Its okay mom, its only a TV” trying to comfort her, I could tell she was upset, but I couldn’t help but laugh

“It was just like an I love Lucy episode, I swear I can’t touch anything without messing it up”

“Its fine mom…”

“We will get you a new one, you needed it anyway”

And so I have a new 20 inch Sony TV. It was another adventure trying to get that thing into the car. First of all the box was heavy and no one offered to help us to our car. Oh well, we can do it ourselves right? We wheeled it out to the parking lot in a shopping cart and both of us lifted it into the trunk, well not into, it was more on to the trunk, it didn’t fit. So I made mom back the car out so I could try and get it into the back seat. There we are in the middle of the parking lot, with the doors wide open and a shopping cart rolling down the road trying to shove this huge box into the door- and it didn’t fit. Great! All the while I can see these three guys on break in the foyer of the store, not one of them offered to help. Mom moved the car off to another location after we wrangled up the shopping cart again and got the box back in it, I wheeled over to the car in a more secluded location. We decided to take it out of the box, and put it into the back seat. It fit! You should have seen us, doing a little dance in the parking lot “We don’t need men!” I yelled, sweaty and out of breath. That thing is heavy!

Saturday night we went out to my favorite Mexican food place and had margaritas. It was nice just to sit and chat over dinner. Then Sunday we slept in and I wrapped up a painting I did for her. I painted a picture of our cat, BC, who passed away not too long ago. Mom was still sleeping so I left it at the foot of the bed for her. When she woke up she came in with it, and had tears in her eyes, I’m glad she liked it. Mom is a weirdo and always gives Sarah and I mother’s day gifts too. Her card made me cry:

“I’ve cherished these shared times with you lately! Haven’t had too many of them over past years and can’t ever get enough.

I know you wanted me to write something about being a mom for mother’s day. It has been a most wonderful journey, one I would not alter or change in any way, shape or form. Perhaps if I had the power Id remove the pain emotionally you’ve endured in the past few years, but probably not the occurrences and relationships you had because you grew so much through it all. And pain is after all a part of life, but so very hard for a mother to see a child endure, ever.

Most of all thank you and Sarah for making me a mom! You two are the best part of me, the best I’ve ever done and that of which I am most proud in my life. And I have to say “I done good!” cause look at what gorgeous, smart, strong, talented, generous, loving women you are now! I am so grateful you are my daughters. I thank you for making me the mom I am. You gave me my identity in this life. I created you, (well dad and I) and in a way you created me too. You are gods greatest gift in my life, besides your fathers love. Thank you for making me a mom, for giving me so much love and for allowing me to love you with an all consuming power and intensity that I pray someday for you to know too, as a mom. I felt this love the first moment I felt you move inside of me, the first moment I laid eyes on you, my little rosebud. That love will never change. Thank you.

Always,
Mom”

Return of the Mack

May 10
Return of the Mack

The white Mazda was back this morning.
I know I am probably being paranoid and ridiculous right now, but Im a tad worried. Remember in February when I called the police on that crazy man in my yard? (see Feb 10, 2006) Since that night he was arrested, I haven’t seen him or his car and I was not complaining.

Last night after I got of the phone with Lummox, I heard yelling and cabinets slamming in the other half of the duplex I live in. That is unusual because the women that live there with their sons, are very quiet people. I sat and listened for a while to make sure everything was alright, and it did settle down after a few more minutes. The unusual part was hearing a man’s voice coming from the walls next door. I let it go when it got quiet and went to sleep. This morning after looking out my window, I knew who the voice belonged to. The infamous white Mazda was back, parked in the same location it was the night I called the cops.

I remember his eyes vividly from that night, staring back at me in the dark and rain. It is haunting. When I left for work this morning I never expected to see those eyes, but there they were, attached to the man himself. I sat in my car for a minute while he crossed directly in front of me on route to his car, but he never once looked at me. I got out to close my garage door and he crossed once again, not acknowledging my presence. If he had looked at me I would have nodded at least, or said hey, but he didn’t.

After that night in February I was worried about how my neighbors would feel about me, since the man somehow belonged to one of the women who lives there. But they never treated me any differently, and I have had nothing but kindness from them since the day I moved in. My worries about them have since disappeared.

Now that he is back though, if he remembers our meeting in the rain, is he harboring any bad feelings towards me? He was so out of his mind that night though, it is possible he won’t even remember, but I am still anxious. If he had looked up at me this morning, I may have different feelings; since he didn’t I’m a little nervous.
He left this morning at the same time I did, let’s just hope that Mazda is not parked there when I get home.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Damage Control

May 08
Damage Control


“We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there; Doing damage to ourselves and to other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we’ve done, or that’s been done to us.

Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage. And sometimes the damage is something we can't even see.
Were all damaged it seems, some of us more than others. We carry the damage with us, and as grown ups we give as good as we get. Ultimately we all do damage. And then we set about the business of fixing whatever we can.”

-Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy episode 24 “Damage Case”

When people question my love for Lummox I guess I get a little, well, maybe the word is overly, defensive. What most of you don’t know is that he was the only person on this planet who actually knows what I have been through, and why I am damaged the way that I am. He was right there with me, holding my hand through it all while it was all happening. And for someone to love me even after seeing all that, and knowing right where my scars are- knowing I am scary and damaged- is still so amazing to me. I would never question a love like that. I love him infinitely more than words could describe.

I am sure from the outside looking in; it may appear that I am holding onto the past when I write about my ex etc. But you don’t see my journal like I do. You only have a tiny glimpse into my life. I use writing as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, I get it out, and then I don’t look back on it. Most of the things you see in here are not what makes up my life, they are thoughts rolling around in my head for a few minutes a day. 99% of my life is not written about, it is the part I am living. So when you see that I am writing about my ex, or my past it isn’t because it has consumed me, it is because this place is my outlet for a lot of the thoughts I don’t know what to do with. It is really easy for people outside the situation to say that I am still holding onto my ex. They are all wrong.

I have been really proud of myself for the last year and a half since I left the Dreamer, because I have gotten on with my life finally. He doesn’t occupy my thoughts all day and night like he used to last year. I have let go of all that, but I still have issues that I am trying to fix. I am far from perfect.

What do I have left after letting go of him? Anger. Lots and lots of anger that I do not know what to do with. I wouldn’t say that I am holding onto this anger, I am trying to let it go but I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I never got any answers from him. I never found out why he lied to me for all that time. Never found out why he chose her over me. Never found out why he won’t admit anything to this day. I am trying to get hold of the fact that I will probably never get any answers, and that just fuels the anger. My damages are almost completely healed and instead of consuming my life with it, it takes up a very insignificant portion of my life now. And I am proud of myself for that.

I am trying to fix what’s left to fix. It is far from being more than I can handle, that doesn’t make up who I am now. The rest of the 99% of my life is filled with normal things, and most of it is filled with a man who understands me and loves me like no one ever could, despite my imperfections. Lummox is my life, no questions asked.

The purpose of this entry you ask? It is more of a disclaimer for outsiders, than it is for me. I already know what my life is all about and it’s not found in the pages of this journal, it’s what’s in my heart. This is me standing up for my emotions.

Never question someone’s love for another; you don’t know the whole story.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Grocery Store Etiquette

May 05
Grocery Store Etiquette

Note to self:
Never shop for groceries when there is pms involved
There should be a contract that all people of the earth should have to sign before grocery shopping. Grocery store etiquette has gotten way out of control lately people! Todays grocery shopping experience was enough to make me want to hire a personal shopper so I don’t have to deal with the madness. Here are a few things on my personal grocery store etiquette list:

-Just because you drive a Hummer, doesn’t mean your shopping cart is bigger and better than mine. I have shopping to do also, and I drive my shopping cart nicely. Drive friendly people! Its only groceries not a race to the finish!

-If you decide you need to ponder which macaroni is really the cheesiest, make sure your cart is not parked in the CENTER of the isle. No one can get around you either way, and we don’t feel like watching you slowly sprout roots where you are standing. Park to one side or the other, preferably on the same side that your roots have sprouted so other people can pass you without having to bump into your cart or your bootie.

-When shopping in the produce department and have a sudden allergy attack, please at least cover your mouth, or a great idea- flee the area. I do not feel like watching your saliva and snot fly through the air and onto the grapes I wanted to buy before you contaminated them. And please use the hand you didn’t just cover with germs to squeeze the tomatoes, Id like to go home without your DNA if at all possible.

-If you bring your children, please pay attention to them. I don’t feel like chasing your four year old because he is threatening to eat the raw meat he snagged from my cart. I am not Captain Salmonella, but that can’t be healthy. If you decide to drive them around in the giant green car shaped cart, please be aware that people have ankles, and they do not enjoy having them run over. Once again, just because your cart is bigger and greener and shaped like a race car or a truck, doesn’t mean it is better than mine. See rule #1.

-If I am walking in the isles and you are following behind me, make sure you have ample room in case I decide to actually stop my cart and grab something. I do not enjoy being rear ended. Please pass to the left if you feel I am walking too slowly. Do not tailgate, it’s just not nice, and it makes me feel rushed.

-If I have ten items or less I use the checkout that is labeled quite clearly “10 items of less”. If you have 45 items, you need to go to a different checkout. I will be happy to help you count, but if I’m in that lane, I only count to ten sorry.

-Tapping me in the butt with your cart will not speed up the checkout line. Plainly there are other people in front of us, and it is not your turn yet. Be patient, or things could start to get ugly. Your warning will be a dirty look, after that I can’t promise there won’t be condiments thrown at you.

-If I am loading my items onto the conveyer belt, please wait until I have emptied my cart before loading your items in behind mine. I will signal you when I am finished by politely placing a plastic divider on the conveyer after my last item. If I have not placed the plastic divider yet, and I am still bending to grab items from my cart- that means I am NOT DONE YET. Please wait for me to empty my cart.

-If you are in front of me at checkout, and are about to sign your check, you are not allowed to go grab “just one more thing” before you pay. I don’t feel like waiting for you to find the panty liners you forgot. That is not my fault and I shouldn’t be punished for it. If you forgot something- too bad, go back to start, do not pass go-do not collect $200.

-And finally, just because you are a soccer mom and drive a Hummer does not mean that driving through the parking lot against the arrows is permissible. I don’t care how many kids you have and how many stickers you have for their teams on the back window of your SUV, the arrows are there for a reason.
It’s all about patience and politeness people! What happened to being polite and following the rules?
Dammit I forgot to buy Midol.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Suspicious Minds

May 04
Suspicious Minds


I still think he lies to me...

What is it about us women that we just can’t accept that our ex’s are doing well in life? What is the desire inside of us to want to see them to fail? I have become very cynical lately when it comes to my ex, The Dreamer. For some reason, no matter where he is in his life, I become skeptical at the details. I find myself hoping to catch him in a huge lie so I can call him on it. Don’t get me wrong, I wish him the best...kind of...but secretly I just want him to be a loser so I can feel better about my life and rub it in his face. I know that is evil, but that’s just the way it has evolved to be.

I was doing my quarterly check up on some friends, and decided to send him an email; you know, to make sure he wasn’t dead. Just a simple hey what’s new email, nothing more than one sentence to keep it safe. (and yes, I am fully aware that my need to make sure he isn't dead all the time is an irrational urge that I need to get hold of, just bear with me here) Normally he ignores me for a couple weeks, but this time he wrote back within a normal period of time for internet correspondence. The last time I heard from him was a couple months ago when he sent out a mass email about the restaurant he works for in NYC.

First of all, when I heard he was working for that restaurant I didn’t believe him right off the bat. He was way too inexperienced for the position he was claiming to have, and of course here I am-still cynical about that. At the time, I did a ton of research on the restaurant. Yes, basically I stalked him. I don’t know why I do these things, so don’t ask. I know I am effed up in the head sometimes, but that is another Oprah. Needless to say, I didn’t find anything to call him on...dammit.
So today, before I even opened his email, I was already getting myself all worked up over what lies he would tell me today. Why am I like this? Shouldn’t I be thinking, oh that is great, good for him? Instead I am building up all this drama in my head that he is telling these huge elaborate lies to make his life appear to look better than it really is, and dammit I am going to be the person who uncovers it all and tells the world! Bwahahahaaaaaaaa!!!

Sadly, I think he may be telling the truth. However he claims that he is in line for a promotion...I’ve heard that one before and with The Dreamer that just translates into I am better than this position. He also claims to be the subject of a couple of articles in a wine magazine called Tasted. And yes, I have already stalked him today, once again to see if the magazine even exists. It does. I am sure he will send out another look what I can do email to the masses when the article comes out in July. Will I buy the issue when it comes out? *sigh* probably.
Drat! Foiled again!

Clean reading

May 02
Clean reading

This happened to me in the grocery store yesterday:
Me- standing in book isle reading the back of a Dean Koontz novel as an older woman in her 80’s walks up behind me.
Her: “Ohhh that is such a great book! You should definitely read it.”
Me: “really? That is great, I love Dean Koontz”
Her: “she is such a great writer you know, I’ve read nearly all her novels.”
Me: thinking to myself, hmmm isn’t Dean Koontz a he and not a she?
Her: rambling on and on about the book she thinks I’m holding
Me: “wow that sounds like an interesting book”
Her: “...and then the grandmother and her granddaughter join the same knitting circle and share their yarn and it is just so heartwarming...”
Me: turning over the murder and suspense thriller in my hand to make sure I’m not crazy
Her: “...and then the grandmother dies at the end and the granddaughter is so wrecked that she never revealed her true feelings...”
Me: discovering she is not talking about the book in my hand, but the book next to it on display
as the woman walks away I say “well thank you, Ill definitely take a look at it” even though she just ruined the end.
Her: walking away from me “...that is if you like clean stories”
Me: astonished. Did she really just say that to me?
I sat there laughing to myself because I started to think, what does she think, I am some pervert in the grocery store book isle looking for some naughty books? I looked up and met eyes with a man standing across from me laughing to himself too, so I didn’t feel so bad.
Me: furrowing my brow at him, “gosh, what does she think I was looking for anyway?” Him: looking across the display, over my shoulder and then suddenly pretended to chase after the old woman as he said “hey, you think she has some suggestions for dirty stories?”
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Tipping the scales

Tipping the scales

Okay, second entry for today...
I took a whole week off and “cheated” a lot while I visited Lummox. Although I wasn’t that bad, I did have ice cream and eat a lot of restaurant food however. It was hard to choose a salad for lunch, or fish instead of a pot pie or pizza, but I think I did a good job, and I am proud of me. Yay for me! Go me!

I didn’t gain a pound either. But I just can’t seem to get over this 5 pound hump. I lost five pounds, but I haven’t lost anything more. Why is that I wonder? I have heard that everyone has their own personal weigh barrier, if you want to call it that. And I have also heard that once you get past that barrier, the weight will come off faster. I am really looking forward to that. I’m tired of getting on that scale every morning and seeing the same weight!

I bought my scale at Tarjay, and it is super nifty. Not only does it weigh you, it memorizes your personal info like your height, gender and age, including what you weighed last time you stepped on. I got one that measures your body fat also, although I am still not sure how to use that information. All I know is that according to the chart in the users manual, by percentage of body fat is in the “high” range for women my age. I don’t doubt it; I haven’t been very active in the last few years.

When I was looking for my scale, browsing the isles at the store, there was a girl walking towards me from the opposite side of the store. We met at the same display, the scales. After a couple of giggles at each other because we were both aimed at the same destination, we discovered we weren’t the only ones after that scale. The store had none on display! She was nice enough to call for help, and while we were waiting for a department representative we played with the higher priced model scale.

Now, I am not one to judge, but I saw her body fat percentage and was surprised that even though she was a lot taller and “larger” than me, my percentage was pretty close to hers. Yet, still I am in the high range? I am a lot smaller than her, in height and weight, but I have almost the same body fat percentage as her? That blew me away. According to both scales, I am 36% body fat. Gross- no offense to said girl in scale isle.

Now what do I do with that number? Do I compare it to the “average” numbers on the chart and try to make it to that number? I’m just not sure what to do with that number, and if I even need to pay attention to it at all. I need to study up on body fat percentages I suppose.

I have noticed that changing your diet takes a lot of time and effort! I spend at least an hour every night just working out my meal plan for the next day, calculating the calories, documenting everything, not to mention making the meals. It is like homework for my new lifestyle. I figured out that in order to lose a pound a day, I need to consume 1250 calories a day. Some days though, I don’t think I even take in that much. How come I’m not losing weight??

It’s getting frustrating, but I’m not going to quit! Go me!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Censored

May 01
Censored

Congratulations to my friend Nicole for making the What’s your Story? list this week! It’s a grand honor that has been bestowed onto her, and just in time for her 32nd birthday! I was among the lucky ones to be invited to read her blog from the beginning. Before she started though, we had been pen pals for a while. When I was featured on Whats your story in November, she became a loyal reader and we began exchanging emails. We discovered that we have so much in common and before long, we became fast friends. She takes the most amazing pictures of her life, her babies (cats and dog) and Victor her hubby, and is very devoted to writing on almost a daily basis. I love reading her entries, because there is so much diversity in her writing. She can go from serious family matters, to funny humor about her animals or her gnomes. I just love her.
She was smart from the beginning. I wish I would have gone about things the way she did. When she was asked to be featured on MSN’s best of blogs list, she was excited beyond words, as I was, and she wanted to share the honor with her family and friends. I went through the same feelings. I wanted to tell the world that I was featured on MSN! I chose to tell my parents and my sister and a few close friends that I trusted with my private life and happenings. What Nicole did that I didn’t do, was to ask that her family and friends only read the week she was featured, and to respect her privacy after the week was over. She invited them to join her in her excitement, and trusted them with her private thoughts.
It’s hard to get people you are close to, to understand that you want your privacy when you are putting it all out there for anyone to read. I compare it to leaving your diary out in the open at home, and expecting that no one in your family will look inside. Blogs are more like leaving your diary on a popular street somewhere. You probably wouldn’t mind if someone you don’t know picked it up and read it, but if someone you know finds it- its hard to deal with. There are trust issues there. It’s hard because it’s a choice you personally make, and you expect that people will play by your rules. But it doesn’t work that way.
If I had thought more about the consequences, I would never have invited my family to read my blog. I find myself holding back a lot in my writing now that I know they read. I know it was like handing a kid a cookie and saying now don’t eat the whole thing, just take a bite, when I let them in on my blog. Honestly though, I didn’t think they would take the time to go back through my old entries and read EVERYTHING...but they most likely did. At one point I went back through some old entries and actually censored them to save my parents from worrying about me. I hate that I did that, because it is MY journal! I am fully regretting inviting my parents to read, because of the self censoring and PG writing I have changed to since being featured.
People have a natural tendency to wonder, especially parents with their kids. I fully understand their need to know, but I wonder if it is even worth it to them now that they are inside my head where I don’t want them to be. I am guilty of snooping in the past, where I wasn’t supposed to look, and found out some things that I was probably better off knowing in the end, but at the time I wished I hadn’t looked. I know they found my blog behind my back last year when I wrote on blogger.com, and that is the main reason I moved it to MSN. I didn’t want my parents to read my private journal. The difference is this time is that I invited them to look, trusted that they understood not to read before or after that week I was featured, I guess I was naïve to think they would respect my privacy after giving them access. Now instead of a blog that comes straight from my head, there are filters on my private thoughts, and it’s written for everyone. I want it back, the privacy I used to have. I wonder if the same thing will happen to Nicole this week. I hope it doesn’t because it will change a lot, as did with my blog. I hope her family respects her wishes and discontinues reading after her week.
One thing I learned with the whole experience. Sometimes you just need your privacy- from family, and need to keep your thoughts your own. Sometimes you need to have secrets for yourself. My parents definitely do not need to know everything about my life, but I know they want to. I invited them to read, that is my fault entirely and I do regret it. Some advice to fellow bloggers: keep your blog private from people that you know personally, you will be a happier blogger in the long run. But whats done is done, and I can't change it now. Hindsight is 20/20 right? Ce la vie.
Good luck Nicole, I hope everything works out. You are definitely still one of my favorite blog buddies. I am planning to vote for you as much as I possibly can this week!
(¯`v´¯)
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¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni