With no where to go but up...

December 30
With no where to go but up...

It’s going to be a good year- I can feel it.
I mean, there’s no where to go but up, right? Cheese and rice- 2005 was not a very good year. Neither personally or world wide. At one point I thought to myself, “maybe this is the Armageddon” It was the day the Pope died, I remember the feeling that came over me. After all that had happened already starting with all the bizarre natural disasters, I thought, “oh god, what more could go wrong this year?” Here I am spending most of the beginning of the year 2005 in an utter depression over the discovery of my ex boyfriend’s infidelities and lies, and there was so much more going on to be depressed about.
Tsunami
Mudslides
Hundreds of American Soldiers killed in Iraq
The terrorist bombings in London
Pope John Paul II dies
Train accident in Japan
Hurricanes
Flooding
Fires
Bird Flu
Earthquakes
Rosa Parks dies
Rioting in Paris
Tornadoes
And while we were watching all this happen on the nightly news, the men who we have been watching for most of our lives, The men who brought us these news stories every night -were stepping down:
Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel retire and our beloved Peter Jennings dies of lung cancer. I’m counting on the “new guys” to keep our minds racing with more great TV journalism, but those are some big shoes to fill.
I have noticed a pattern in my life. The good luck years for me personally are the even numbered years. I remember noticing this first in 1986, I was in 6th grade. And ever since then, it has held true in the timeline of my life. I was born in an even year. I graduated high school on an even year, college as well. I met the dreamer on an even year, and broke up with him an even amount of years later. Even though that sounds like it was a bad thing- it really wasn’t- because the break up itself wasn’t bad- it was the things I found out afterward. There’s no where to go but up and out of the hole that was 2005. So- Onward and Upward! Whew- what a ride it has been.
I am ringing in the new year- the evenly numbered year- with someone who I know really cares about me, and genuinely loves me. That’s what I call a great start to a new year.
The Lummox is at the airport in San Francisco as I am writing this, and we are both so excited to see each other again. Remember- last I saw him- he was boarding a plane back to Denver, and I hadn’t told him of my true feelings for him until he was already gone. We haven’t seen each other in person since then, so this is all very exciting for me. I am actually a little nervous! I know I don’t need to be, it’s just the Lummox, only now he’s not just my best friend- he’s my boyfriend!
Jenni and Lummox version 2.0 begins in T-Minus 5 and a half hours. I can not wait.
So- to all of you out there I wish you the most fantastical, super terrific, wonderfully glorious of New Years. I wish you all the best of luck and good health in this new year- and I will have you all in my hearts this weekend and send you all a midnight kiss in my thoughts. Ill be thinking of all of you when I watch the ball drop. I probably wont be online much *wink* so I will see you all next year!!!
PS- Today is my daddy's birthday. Happy Birthday Dad! I wish I could still be there to help you celebrate, but I made plans without really thinking- sorry about that. Ill call you tonight though!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

The Upside of Anger

December 27
The Upside of Anger

It’s all a process... So what if my process takes longer than most...
"People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.

Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm..."- Evan Rachel Wood as Lavender Wolfmeyer in The Upside of Anger

I watched The Upside of Anger tonight.
I recommend it to anyone who is still holding onto something that really isn't there anymore.
Sometimes the upside of anger is the person you become.
I think I'm just about there...at least I know who I'm not.
Funny how a simple movie can help you along the way.
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Ill be home for Christmas

December 22
Ill be home for Christmas

Merry Christmas Everyone!
I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas Holiday. Ill be at mom and Dad's (if anyone needs me) and I should be able to check in here a couple times. But if I dont see ya, have a great one!
I am super excited- The Lummox is coming to see me for New Years!!!! YAY!!
But I will surely talk to you before then. I just wanted to leave a note, so Until I see you- Have yourself a Merry little Christmas....
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Don't fall in love with a Dreamer

December 20
Don't fall in love with a Dreamer

"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
~W.B. Yeats
One of the things that I love the most about the Lummox ~out of the bazillions of little things~ is that he understands me. He will listen to what I have to say, no matter what it is, and he will let me have my emotions. He gets me. I think this is because we have like minds, and we have shared similar experiences in our past relationships that have forged us into the people we are today. So when I had to talk to him about what has been troubling me these last few days, at first I hesitated talking to him about it, but then I realized he will understand and I shouldn’t keep this from him. So yesterday, I talked to him about this, and he empathized with me. That made me feel much better about being troubled over it.
A few days ago, I received a phone call to my cell phone. Now, those who know me well know I don’t answer the phone unless I recognize the number. This time, I only recognized the area code- 505. I instantly freaked out and had an anxiety attack. It was a bad one. A million things went through my brain in that instant. Oh my god the Dreamer is dead? They have called to tell me bad news about him. Or was it him calling from his home town? Who is it, no- I don’t want to know. So I didn’t answer it. Instead I found myself sitting in the bathroom in the pitch black until the ringing stopped. It may have stopped long before that, all I could hear was my heart beat in my ears. I came out of there with a sinking feeling, but there was no message left. My heart was still beating in my ears and I was sweating and crying.
I have no idea why I reacted like that. I guess part of me will always worry about him. He puts himself into dangerous situations a lot. Or he did when I was with him. Part of me wants to know what he is doing, wondering about him these days. And a part of me doesn’t want to know. The Lummox put it so eloquently; “our brains finish equations for them based on what we know of them”. It is so true.
And then the dreams started to come.


That night, I dreamt that the Dreamer called me. I recognized the number, but it didn’t make me anxious. I answered but instead of saying hello, I said “did you call me on accident?” In my waking life I haven’t heard his voice on the phone since, gosh forever ago, it’s been over a year. So this makes sense that I would ask this in my dream. He was silent, and then with an irritation in his voice said “why do you have to be like that?” This is totally something he would have said. The dream went on, and the more we talked, the angrier I began to feel towards his irrational impatience with me. I woke up annoyed.
I told myself not to dream about him again. That didn’t work.
The next night I dreamt that he was home from a trip and was exhausted. He was lying with his head in my lap and we were talking about his weekend away with his friends. I started tickling him, and he slipped up and said “oh don’t, Rose bruised my pelvis” and instantly I moved back away from him. I knew and I was instantly furious. I said “You slept with Rose?” and let his head hit the sofa as I got away from him. In my waking life I have no idea who Rose is. Suddenly we were in a car, and I moved to the back seat mumbling to myself something like “I can’t believe I fell for you again and you did this to me all over again” and I was tearing up, but not letting myself actually cry. I was fuming. Then Rose, whoever she was, she came up to him at the passenger window and I said to her “you can have him, I don’t effing want him anymore” and they did some weird little baby talk thing. I woke up annoyed.
Again, I told myself not to dream about him. Super.
I dreamt an actual normal dream the next night. (If you can call my dreams normal) but at the end, he called me! In my dream I had decided to go to nursing school and I was ecstatic about the possibilities. On the other end of the phone all I hear is a snicker under his breath. He was laughing at me. I woke up annoyed.
Then I broke down and talked to the Lummox about it all, and how it had been bothering me. But that didn’t work. There has been a dream every night since the stupid phone call. Last night I even dreamt about real frustrations I had when the Dreamer wouldn’t come to bed with me after a fight. He was on the stupid computer and I was waiting up for him to come talk to me. He never came. I woke up annoyed.
Did I mentally damage that part of my brain when I had the anxiety attack? Am I subconsciously reminding myself to dream about him, by telling myself not to? The last few days have been a very bothersome and disturbing, at least in my dreams. I wish it would stop. I’m tired of waking up annoyed, and plain and simple, I’m just tired. Dear god, make it stop!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

sarah in MI

Sarah and Nathan successfully made it to Lapeer Michigan yesterday early morning after an exhausting 18 hour drive. Unfortunately my sister took with her, our family bad luck. She slipped outside and chipped the radial head in her elbow. Originally they thought she had broken it but throughout last night the pain subsided. She is in a sling now. I guess that puts her chiropractic abilities on the back burner until she heals. What a great way to start a new beginning eh? Im not sure if she has told my parents yet~ If they read it here first- sorry! She says she can still adjust, but not the way she normally does. Poor thing. What Luck!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

buh bye

Some sad news today, my little sister is leaving Texas and moving to Detroit today. She’s packed up her car as full as she can, left room for her dog and her fiancé and she’s off for a long drive and a new life in Michigan. I hope she is okay driving in the weather. If you see a little blonde with a hyper dog and a full car on the side of the road- please stop and make sure she is okay! She won’t be joining us at home for Christmas this year, sadly. But we knew it would happen eventually. Be Careful Sarah and drive safely! Call me when you get there! I Love you!
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Update

Update

My home computer is a time capsule.
I went home last night, eager to begin writing, but to no avail. I havent used that computer since 2001 or so and it was still running on Windows Millenium Edition. I had a lot of cleaning up to do, and you know what happens when these projects begin, they snowball. After I had installed Windows XP of course there were major problems and drivers that were no longer compatible. Alas, I spent the evening downloading drivers and restarting my computer dozens of times until things worked properly. I still cant use my printer. But I had good company; my friend Matt talked me through a couple of things and helped me keep my head on straight without blowing a gasket. THANKS MATT! I just love instant messenger. We shared music files after I figured out my outdated soundcard, and I discovered the time capsule that is my computer. The Lummox is away on a business trip, without a computer so I didnt get to talk to him yesterday, although he did send me a lovely text message on my cell phone. I sooo wanted to tell him about what I had found on my computer. Stuff about us- from our past.
Back in 2001 and 2002 was during the time the Lummox and I had just started getting to know eachother, and during the time when we first became enchanted with one another. There are still old emails back and forth between us, and the music we both shared a love of are still there, it was a virtual time capsule. I must tell you about the treasures I found, when I blew the dust off the innards of my computer. TO BE CONTINUED...
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

A Few of my Favorite Things

December 16
A Few of my Favorite Things

Christmas to me is about surrounding yourself in coziness
I love thinking back on all the memories of my family during the holidays. I can remember the excitement I felt as a child when my mom would pick me up from school on that last Friday before Christmas break. I loved being at home, with my mom and my sister not to mention not having to go back to school for a couple weeks! Dad would come home from work later in the day, and Sarah and I would run to his pickup truck and pretend to hide in the back as if we had been there the whole time. He would gasp and say “have you been there the whole time?” or “where did you come from, I didn’t know you were there”. And every single day my dad played along with the same gasp and surprise face never mentioning the fact that we had done the same thing every day since the summer. He would lift us out of the bed of his pickup and we would run back into the house to tell mom how we had tricked dad again. I remember the smell of baking in our house around Christmastime, and mom always let us lick the spoons and beaters from the mixer, that was the best part! I don’t know how many cut out Rudolph’s were made with the same red-hot candy nose over the years, but that seemed to be the favorite when making sugar cookies every year. My grandparents lived in Corsicana, TX, home of the world famous Collin Street Bakery so you KNOW what we got almost every year from them- a fruitcake! I think my mom still has some in the freezer. (Kidding mom) Mom would decorate the house every year and it was always magical to see. Dad would get on the roof every year and put the Christmas lights up in what always seemed like record time, he’s had a lot of practice over the years. We would go to a tree farm every year back then to pick the prettiest live tree in the lot. (We planted all those trees after the holidays were over and most of them lined our drive) Sarah and I would be in charge of decorating the tree; that was our job. It was always made entertaining with the sounds of the record player and a few mugs of hot coco. John Denver would sing his Rocky Mountain Christmas carols, and the Muppets would chime in somewhere between Jose Feliciano and Burl Ives. To this day, that job is held for me and Sarah, and it is a wonderful tradition. (Thanks mom, for handing down all those wonderful ornaments to me this year!) Sometimes dad would load us all up into the car and we would go driving to see the lights and decorations around town. We would all sing carols in the car and act silly. Christmas Eve was filled with so much anticipation and excitement, I still get giddy on Christmas Eve and I’m 31! We would get in our nightgowns and then mom and dad would let us choose one present to open that night before bed. It was always something small like an ornament from a friend or relative. The fire would be raging, the lights would be twinkling, and then it was our cue to hop into bed and try to go to sleep. I’m sure that was an adventure for our parents back then, to try and get us to stop giggling in our beds by threatening us with the old “Santa wont come until you are sleeping” trick. And we would abruptly get scared and close our eyes in hopes that Santa wouldn’t skip our house this year. (It wasn’t until later when I was a lot older that I discovered exactly what goes into the hours children are sleeping on Christmas Eve.) The next morning I can remember being awoken to the sounds of my dad coming into our bedroom with a huge bright light attached to a 8mm film camera. We were unable to open our eyes for a minute or two because that light had the brilliancy of the sun shining into our sleepy eyes. Those movies are funny to watch, it’s the same movie for every year; we squint at the camera and then it follows us down the hallway into the living room where Santa left us every toy we could have ever dreamed of and then we start running to the tree with huge grins on our faces. We spend the whole day opening presents in our pajamas. I think dad is the only one who gets dressed sometimes. This is a tradition still today. We have coffee and muffins, and take turns watching each other open a present and then the ribbon and paper is deposited into a huge pile, under which at least one of our animals is sleeping. (Funny how dogs love to do that). When the cleanup has commenced, and the presents are all opened, its time to prepare for dinner. When we were little we didn’t really help with this, but it was our job to clean the dishes afterwards. Sometimes we would get a sip of dads wine at dinnertime, and that would make us feel like pretend grown ups. (I still feel like a pretend grown up) Mom bakes the best pies and fudge and after the food coma has ended we fill what is left of the room in our bellies with pecan, apple, or chocolate pie and watch the specials on TV. Then we’d all go to bed, exhausted. I can’t wait to do all that again this year! *sigh* I just love this time of year.
This time of year to me is about comfort and surrounding yourself with your favorite things. These are a few of my favorite things:
The smell of baking
My Ugg boots (these Uggs are the oldest Uggs known to man, I think Ive had them since high school)
Licking the beaters
The crispness in the air vs. the warmth inside
Finishing the tree decorations and thinking every year that this is the best tree ever
Putting up Pooh bear and Eyore ornaments from childhood
Cheesy Christmas carols
Fighting with my sister
Laughing with my sister about dumb things
Old Christmas shows on TV
Staying up to watch the Pope on Christmas Eve
The way mom still sneaks around after we’ve gone to bed on Christmas Eve.
The oooing and ahhhhing on Christmas morning
My dad singing, “can you smell what I did” in the tune of “Do you hear what I hear”
The sound of jingle bells
Mom’s turkey dressing and pecan pie
Singing
Drinking Baileys in my coffee
Finally being “old enough” to help mom in the kitchen although she still worries when I use the big knife
Hearing my dad laugh at the squabbles between us girls
Emptying my stocking Christmas morning
The cheesy toast we do every year for the camera during dinner *cheeeese!*
Dad’s goofy jokes
Gramps’ stealing the remote
Going to see the “Griswold” house in the neighborhood
And mostly~ just being with my silly, goofy, lovely family.

the most wonderful time of the year

Angels are singing on high and golden shimmery light is beaming from the heavens
sing with me! aaaaaaahhhh!

Why, you may be asking?
I FINALLY...have internet access from home!!!

YAAAAAAAYYY!!

And with that, I leave you for the day as I ponder what to blog about tonight when I return.
Toodles!



(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Things that make you go hmmmm

Observation-

Popcorn tins are the new fruitcake.

discuss amongst ya-selves....

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Wednesday and the b*tch box

Wednesday and the b*tch box

I am a PMS Monster
Okay so this was something I thought was funny on Wednesday at work. The girl that works with me in the office, Steph and I were working to try and get caught up from work that has been piling up on us since before Thanksgiving. Personally, I can deal with these sorts of things normally. But that day, for some reason, I had the Rage. When I was younger, I used to get crazy PMS and this rage would build up inside me to the point that I could have probably killed anyone who did or said anything to trigger it. Over the years it has come and gone, but pretty much now it only rears its ugly head once in a blue moon. I used to have a little stuffed animal of the red monster from Bugs Bunny. Remember that one? The red hairy monster that lived in the castle and bugs bunny gives him a manicure? Yeah, that red hairy monster. Well I named my little stuffed animal the PMS monster, and when I was feeling full of rage, Id take him and put him out as a warning to people around me. He was the beware of Jenni sign. On Wednesday I really needed that PMS monster. I had the rage. I don’t know how to explain it. It is like an edge, an anxiety that has built up in me that is itching to get out in any way it can. It is not quite anger, but its somewhere between that and turbulence in my brain. It makes me feel like screaming madly at the top of my lungs and slamming doors all around me until people leave me the eff alone. Nothing in particular causes this to happen normally, other than a drop in hormones or whatever, but I cant ever put my finger on why it happens.
I guess Steph was feeling the same way that day, and I could hear her at her desk huffing and breathing curse words under her breath focused at her computer. When I noticed this, I told her that I felt like I had PMS or something and she agreed that was how she felt too. Yay, a bitch buddy. Suddenly instead of detesting the sound of her voice and cursing her existence in the office as I would have normally on days like that, she unexpectedly became a PMS partner in crime. Instead of keeping our frustrations under our breath we were both free to utter them loudly to whatever office supply pissed us off that moment. It got to a point where we became fixated on an empty box in our office. Every time she would get up, shed kick it across the room. If it got close to me I’d pick it up and throw it against the wall. It was so much fun! Boy did that make me feel better to just freely throw something without feeling bad about it. The violence we directed at that box continued like that for hours. It was great, it felt great and my rage was all aimed at the box instead of people or issues I had to deal with. A rage box, a bitch box, what a grand idea.
I’ve often wondered if the Lummox knows these things about me. I have a lot of little quirks that he may or may not know about, and I have told him some already that not many people know about me, and he’s accepted them. For example, I throw up almost every morning due to poor gag reflexes while brushing my teeth, and I am extremely bad at math. But then there are the really weird things like the rage, which I don’t bring up because it isn’t such a great thing to deal with when you are a boyfriend. Some of the men in my past haven’t really loved the fact that I am full of rage every once in a while, and some of them threw the rage right back at me when it was directed at them. I wonder how the Lummox will deal with these things about me. It has often gotten me into trouble, mainly because I don’t realize its happening when I’m in the moment. I take it out on people around me, and I only see that in hindsight. It’s a blinding rage I guess. I am hoping it was only because of the OrthoEvra patch I have been wearing for the last couple months throwing my hormones into a little tizzy. I hope it doesn’t come back every month like it used to. I can see it is not a good thing about me, and it is something I’m not proud of, but it happens sometimes. I may need to go find the PMS monster again. Anyone seen a little red hairy monster? Poor Lummox.
*you know something? I feel better now that I wrote something. Maybe it was the fact that I hadnt written that was making me feel bleh?*
(¯`v´¯)
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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Time Capsule 2002

Time Capsule 2002

I just love finding old memories
The Time Capsule has been opened…whhoooosh…. dust everywhere…
The year is 2002. I was working Denver with the Lummox at a flourishing company that shalt not be named. We had known each other only for a while, but were still in the getting to know you phase that wannabe friends sometimes go through. I was in a tumultuous relationship with the Dreamer and was extremely unhappy. I saw something in the Lummox that drew me to him; I wanted to suck his entire being into me. I needed it. I think that was when I really started to fall in love with him, but the Dreamer was still the only thing I could see. When I was with the Lummox, it was my escape from my own personal reality, and into a place where I longed to be. When I was alone, all I wanted to do was talk to him, get to know what made him tick.
When I hooked up my computer last night, I found a bunch of old emails between us. There were many music suggestions shared, as we discovered we both have a passion for music. There were personal questions asked, I noticed I tried way to hard to answer some of my own, because he intimidated me a little at first. I felt inadequate to his intelligence; I could remember feeling worried that he would think I was dumb. But there was this magic that was there, between us. It was like pure energy. It is still there. I feel it every time I think of him. Here are some of the memories I thought I’d put here, so the Lummox and I can reminisce.
An Email:
-----Original Message-----
> From: Jenni
> Sent: Wednesday, July 10, 2002 8:25 PM
> To: Lummox
> Subject: Re:
>
> I already love the lyrics...especially that part where it says: "its so
> quiet I can hear my thoughts touching every second I spent waiting for
you"
> that is so pretty. I can’t wait to hear it.

> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Lummox
> To: "Jenni
> Sent:
Wednesday, July 10, 2002 7:23 PM
>
>
> > You are going to love this song. The band is VNV Nation, the song is
> Beloved
> >
> >You can read the lyrics to Beloved here

Almost prophetic don’t you think?
And in return I shared a song I really liked:

Sway- Bic Runga
You can read the lyrics here.
I loved that song- it reminds me of the lummox to this day.
Then, a question was asked:
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
take heed; This is where I tried way to hard to answer…..
There are many ways to take this question:

where do you dream to be
what do you want to have accomplished
what do you wish for
all at this point in your life....

and they can all be answered differently....

I guess this is a bit much for just a question...I guess it evolved into a
lot more the more I thought about it. But I really want to get to know you.

If you were to ask me this question I would answer:

I dream to be: married, have kids, and be in love forever with the person I
married, and be happy with whatever Im doing

I want to have accomplished: happiness in my marriage, motherhood, the
closeness of a family that I have helped to create, total self confidence

I wish for: a family of my own, to settle down, in one place...to be
comfortable in every aspect of my life..and complete happiness in whatever I
am doing...and happiness for whoever is involved in my life at the time.

at this point in my life: I have not found any of this yet...maybe some
little glimmers of hope, I dont have any definite answers still, from anyone
or anything in my life right now.

I still have never talked about marriage or kids with (the dreamer), or at least Ive tried, but not got any response out of him...after 4 years of a
relationship...you'd think it would be clear...but nothing is. To this
point, it has been one sided...Im the only one who will talk about that kind
of future.

I’m having major deja-vu right now.....have I been living this moment over
and over again? Or is this just a reminder of the place I am meant to be in
my life? hmmmm

But I guess that is a totaly different question....deja-vu
and weve had that conversation before......deja vu? :)
Yes, Im having major Deja vu!
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The soundtrack to this time capsule shall be as follows:
1. Breathing-lifehouse
2. No Such thing-Jon Mayer
3. Amber-311
4. By the Way-Red Hot Chilli Peppers
5. The Sweetness-Jimmy Eat World
6. Complicated- Avril Levigne
7. Walking Away-Craig David
8. First Date- Blink 182
9. Too Bad- Nickleback
10. Blurry-Puddle of Mudd
11. Running Away-Hoobastank
12. Days Go By- Dirty Vegas
13. Video- Indea Arie
14. Peaceful World-John Mellencamp
15. How You Remind Me-Nickleback
16. Hella Good-No Doubt
17. Dope Nose-Weezer
18. In the Middle-Jimmy Eat World
19. Where are you going-Dave Matthews Band
20. Wasting my time-Default
21. Precious Illusions-Alanis Morisette
22. Things Ill Never Say-Avril Levigne
23. One last Breath-Creed
24. Goodbye-Michelle Branch
25. Ordinary Day-Vanessa Carlton
26. Out of my Heart-BB Mak
27. Heaven-DJ Sammy
28. One Day in Your Life-Anastacia
29. Love at First Sight-Kylie Minogue
30. Movies-Alien Ant Farm
31. Steve McQueen-Sheryl Crow
32. She Hates Me-Puddle of Mudd
33. Underneath it All-No Doubt
34. Zephyr Song-RedHot Chilli Peppers
35. Losing grip-Avril Levigne
36. Full Moon-Brandi
37. Favorite Game-Cardigans
38. Starry Eyed Surprise-Paul Oakenfold
39. A New Day Has Come-Celine Dion
40. I see right through to you-DJ Encore
41. Let me Down-Chris Isaak
42. A Thousand Miles-Vanessa Carlton
43. Everything-Michelle Branch
44. 7 Days-Craig David
45. Cant Get You Out Of My Head-Kylie Minogue
46. Rest of My Life-Nina Gordon
47. Island in the Sun-Weezer
48. Get this Party Started-Pink
49. Wrong Impression-Natalie Imbruglia
50. Soak Up the Sun-Sheryl Crow
51. Hands Clean-Alanis Morisette
52. Start the Commotion-Wiseguys
53. Standing Still-Jewel
54. Rapture-Lio
55. Answer the Phone-Sugar Ray
56. Whenever Wherever-Shakira
57. Fill Me In-Craig David
58. Sway-Bic Runga
59. Sweet Surrender-Sarah McLaghlan
60. Life Goes On-The Sundays
61. The space Between-DMB
62. One Big Love
63. Posession- Sarah McLaghlan
64. Where the Story Ends- The Sundays
65. Somewhere over the Rainbow-Hawaiian
66. Sleeping Satelite-TasminArcher
67. Don’t Know Why-Norah Jones
68. Summertime-The Sundays
69. Crash-DMB
70. Have a Heart-Bonnie Raitt
71. Leaving on a Jet Plane
72. Wild Horses-The Sundays
73. My Angel-Lionel Richie
All of these songs remind me of that time in my life- some good memories, some bad...but still I love them all.
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And then there was the side of me that was stuck…stuck in a place in my life that I remember thinking was going to be my reality for the rest of my life. I found a poem I wrote about being in the relationship with the dreamer. It was originally titled black and white, and I remember naming it Opposites.
I lost myself somewhere,
there between what was
And what is meant to be.
And it has become clear
that my life is now diluted
with drops of you.
Somewhere in the mix
is what I used to be,
and what I wanted.
I just have to find
my way back to the surface
or Ill sink too far down
to know the difference.
My heart has become heavy
And it pulls me below.
But the memories of
how we used to be
seem to lighten the load.
But when my face is to the sunlight
your shadows pull me under.
And the strength that's left over
from the fight to reach above
is keeping me balanced here
with nowhere else to go.
I want to be with you,
and to drink you all in.
The poison between us
is what keeps me wanting more.
Ill always be floating here
Until the end of time.
And I know that I found myself
I was here all the time.
Pretty sad, what blinding love will make you believe eh? I’m so glad that I fought back up to the surface, because I found what I wanted, and the Lummox was there the whole time, waiting to be my safe place to fall. Safe in the arms of love, four years later. Amazing.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Baby it's Cold Outside

Baby it's Cold Outside

...so I stayed inside by the fire!
You know its bad outside in Austin when they tell you to stay home from work and close the schools for the day. End of day Wednesday they let us leave work early because the weather was getting worse outside. Now, I was skeptical, coming from Denver and enduring the winter weather there, but it was cold here. It’s a different kind of cold here in Texas than I’ve experienced in other states, I’ve tried to explain it to people but the only thing I can think of to say is that it’s a wetter kind of cold that bites you to the bones. Add the wind chill and it felt like it was 4 degrees! Another reason that I was skeptical was because the last time they let us leave early it was raining outside, go home early for a little rain? Pshaw. Whatever! So I left with everyone on Wednesday thinking this is so cool! Ill be able to do Christmas shopping and get so much stuff done! Then I got in my car and tried to drive. It was just beginning to drizzle heavily outside and almost instantly it froze to everything it touched. They call it “freezing rain” here. In my 31 years I have never experienced a true ice storm, but the last two days in Austin broke me in. I thought I might not get home in time before the roads were just complete ice, but I made it home safely by 4pm. Not everyone was so lucky, and there were major road closures and accidents galore throughout the evening. I put all my firewood into the fire, because the heater wasn’t able to keep up with the chill in my house and I made coffee to warm me up. It was a lovely winter evening inside. The next morning we awoke to icicles and a quarter inch layer of ice covering everything in sight. I had gotten a call the night before letting me know work would start late Thursday, so I stayed in my jimmies waiting for the ice to thaw, but it never did. Eventually they just closed the office altogether and everyone was told to stay at home. Again I thought, yippee! I can go shopping! There was no way I was going to be able to get out of my driveway; it was a sheet of ice!
So, Cody and I had a nice day off, trapped in the house. I took him outside a lot; he tried to thaw the ice on the porch by licking it, and ended up on his butt since I haven’t taught him how to ice skate yet. He loved it, got excited and did that Labrador thing where he tucks his tail under his butt and runs as fast as he can around the yard and then suddenly stops and plops down on his belly with all four legs straight out on the ground, and lets out a bark as if to say “hey! Chase me you lazy human!” The grass was crunchy and this perplexed him a lot. He couldn’t quite figure out why it felt that way under his paws, so of course the answer to that is just bark at it. The funniest thing was what we call his “sockies” he has a bunch of dad’s old socks because he loves to chew on them and rip them to shreds. He had a couple of them in the backyard before the freeze and they were frozen solid. This was hilarious to watch, as his formerly soft sockies were stiff and covered in ice got thrown around the yard. One of them cracked and the ice fell off, that’s when he discovered you could eat the ice, so he spent most of his day eating the ice off things and then running around the corner to pee a lot. Ill have to add pictures, I forgot my camera today.
It was a nice day off; I kinda wish I could have driven to do some Christmas shopping, but I can do that this weekend I guess. So today, I’m back at work...in a bleh mood again. Not a bad bleh mood, just bleh. Gosh I havent written in a whole week! I haven’t had anything to write about the last few days, and I guess that makes me feel weird. I haven’t had a personality or brainpower enough to write anything of substance. I was going to write about something kind of funny that happened at work Wednesday afternoon. Maybe Ill write that separately...bleh. bleh bleh bleh....what the heck is wrong with me? I have no clue, I haven’t been drinking, I have been in bed by 10, and I feel great daily, but just have this bleh feeling in my head. Its like this sometimes when I get PMS. Hmmmm. Can it be that time again so soon? Maybe my birth control patch is throwing my hormones all into a frenzy or something. Who knows dude.
BLEH!
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni

Were all a bunch of misfits

Were all a bunch of misfits…December 2, 2005

You know it’s officially Christmas when the National Christmas tree is lit and you begin seeing those old 1960’s animagic shows. I must have seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at least as many times as years as I am old, maybe even more! I just love them; they remind me of my childhood, and of my love of Christmas. So the other night when I saw it was coming on I got all giddy with excitement and set myself up on the couch in my jimmies to watch. I guess I’ve never really paid attention to what was going on in this movie!!! What is up with everyone picking on Rudolph? He has a birth defect for pete’s sake! Even his dad can’t accept the fact that he is just different because of his nose, and makes him wear a fake one that makes him have a speech impediment! Poor guy, he can’t help it. Everyone calls him a misfit; I guess that was the PC way of calling him retarded back then. Even the coach is against Rudolph, and hurtfully calls him retarded right in front of all the other reindeer. He tells the other reindeer that they wont let him play in any of their games, How mean! And why is Santa such an ass? He acts like he doesn’t even want Christmas to happen at all! He has some sort of eating disorder, he starts out skinny and in a matter of one meal Mrs. Claus has fattened him up. One other thing that creeped me out was the fact Santa called her Momma, and she called him Poppa. Eeew. Then there is the issue of the elf that wants to be a dentist. Everyone gets down on him because he doesn’t want to make toys for the rest of his life, and I think that may have been his way of coming out to Santa. And then he gets ridiculed by the other fascist elves and they call him a misfit too! I thought Santa was an equal opportunity employer. And then the hot girl reindeer- Clarice brings up the question of teenage promiscuity, where are her parents? How come suddenly after the abominable snowman thingy gets his teeth knocked out, he becomes a giant oaf who can’t be strong or ferocious anymore? He just beat Rudolph nearly to death with an icicle, mind you. Now his teeth are gone and he’s mentally challenged? Apparently back in the 60’s if you had a birth defect they sent you to an island for misfits. Poor toys, how come no one just fixed them? And how come Santa can’t fly in blizzards? He can come down a damn chimney, he has friggin flying reindeer; have the fascist elves make you a headlight! Geez Santa, its not that hard, you only have to work one night a year, stop whining. This was just disturbing. Where did the magic go? I guess Ill have to wait for another one to come on. It just wasn’t like I remembered it. Maybe another one will cure my sceptical mind. So what are our children getting out of this movie? If someone is "different" dont play with them- unless you can exploit them, then its okay. Im really not this cynical, I dont know what has gotten into me! Cheese and rice...bah humbug...Ill cheer up when A Christmas Story comes on.

Okay I’m done with my rant.

You may be asking, did you go walking yesterday morning Jenni? And my answer to you would be ...um no. I have come to terms with the fact that for one, I am not a morning person, and for two, I am not an exercise person. These are both facts I’ve known about myself for my whole life...I just thought I could change myself. Not gonna happen. And you know what? I’m okay with that, because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me! So I’m gonna stay just the way I am. Besides, the only person’s opinion that matters to me is the Lummox, and he loves me just the way I am! Yay!

Update on mommy- she’s coming home today from the hospital. I went to see her yesterday and she was doing well, a few new scars and a lot of drugs, but she’s okay. Thanks for all your thoughts!

Also- Lummox and I are working on a project that has become a kind of neat thing. A lot of you have been asking us “so, what exactly is a Lummox anyway?” We plan on putting something together to answer that question soon. I think the Lummox is the best person to write it, so I will let you know when he has it complete. Hooray for Lummoxes! I love my Lummox.

(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•. jenni